Thoughts about Marriage

TLDR: I feel like I'm already married to Viking Boy and yet the idea of a legal marriage scares the sh*t out of me.

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So lately I have been very claustrophobic about the idea of marriage. Almost like it's an expensive legal trap. Divorce can be a nasty process and there is always that chance it would end.

Three months into dating with Viking Boy I knew I was in love. At the least heavily infatuated. But I did admit out loud that if he proposed I wouldn't say no. with Racheal Eloping and several of my friends getting engaged I got swept up in wedding fever. 

And then after my last bad episode I wondered if I would ever get married because of how much of a legally binding contract it is. It is the legal aspect that scares me. 

But Dalton and I were talking and there are a lot of legal benefits. Mom brought up the legal benefits involving his son. Honestly being married would make it easier to be a foster parent or adopt. 

We discussed what we would do financially if/when we got married... depending on how much money we make compared to the other how bills would be divided vs leisure, etc. 

And honestly.. as much as my emotions go up and down when it comes to him, and my nervousness around marriage.. i think I would still say yes if he proposed. It would be a minimum of a year's engagement because now I am convinced that until two years together has passed, getting married is rash. You never know.

But with jimmie I wanted to get married. With Viking Boy.... I kind of just know we will? Like I have this calmness in my chest and I'll look at him and just think "thats my husband" as if we already are married. 

If we were back in time in Greece we would already be considered married, simply deciding and agreeing to it. In some african tribes, not in modern times, all one had to do to be married was declare that you were and move in together. 

I feel like in my heart Ive already married him. In my mind I think so too. It's just the legal aspect that worries and scares me. But I feel like that will fade with time? And who knows i may feel totally different once I actually have a ring on my finger and know that he isn't going to leave me. I really don't foresee me leaving him... unless he pulls a 180 out of nowhere. 

I do love him. My constant ups and downs are my own problem and often come from misunderstandings and insecurities within my own mind and my innability to talk about them. Which comes from issues in the past that i'm trying to work on. Its not his fault and even the thigns hat trigger my ups and down based on his behavior... i need to learn to say something immediatley.

Dalton is a lot like my mom.... i have to be blunt, upfront, and speak up right away otherwise when the moment has passed they don't know what i'm talking about. Where as i am a talk about it when ive cooled off kind of person.

So a. lot of my own issues comes from communication which can be learned. Once I learn to communicate properly then the issues will be less frequent. But i also need to break mself of always looking for a way out and having back up plans. I need to trust that Oshun and Aine lead me to the right person. Because i really think they did.