Electo Divina - The Return

 "We looked at each other and I could see the fear in her eyes, she could see the rage in mine."

This line in chapter 6 "the return" marks the moment that the author's grandmother got her power back after years of abuse and trauma. It really resonates with me. One of the things that made my voice within go quiet throughout my life was fear. Growing up in an abusive household made me afraid to speak my truth, it made me small, quiet, anxious. As I grew older I began to connect with the divine via spirit guides and different gods, and through them found that voice again, and found strength. 

Likewise, each time it was dimmed I was living in fear. Toxic relationship after toxic relationship, wounding friendships, where I conformed so I would not be left alone and afraid. I cut myself apart to fit the shape of what people around me wanted, out of fear of isolation because I was afraid of the world. 

Different gods helped make sure that I never fully lost that voice within me, but there was a wall of fear that would not evaporate and finally, one of the most benevolent goddesses in my pantheon directed me to another goddess that I had felt called to quietly at random points in my life: Lilith. 

Lilith helped me tap into what was under my fear - rage. All my life I had been told to hide my anger, I had to be sweet to be liked, and be the innocent girl so that people would be more inclined to help me when in trouble... but it also bound me and made me easy prey. And I was angry. So angry. 

I was angry at the abuse. I was angry at the expectations thrust upon me. I was angry at the world. I was angry at myself. I was both the woman with fear and the woman with rage. The fearful woman who kept my voice quiet and traumatized needed to die and the strong woman with the sacred rge inside her had a voice that would sing. and scream. and curse and cuss and stand up for herself and fight for justice. 

---

part 2 - recovering people pleaser

Working with Lilith saved my life. By tapping into that sacred rage, I tapped into a strength inside myself that only existed within the shattered pieces of consciousness. Once I allowed that rage to exist, I welcomed her out of the shadow and into the light, I was able to break that fear apart and let it burn within the fire of my heart. After about a year of being a living volcano of fire - fires of inspiration, passion, and rage - I began to level out and truly heal. 

But there was still some fear; it now just existed no louder than anything else. My cptsd treatment was finally starting to work and I was cleared from therapy. I was burlesque dancing and standing in the light of who I was - despite the fear. I am still anxious - and lately I have been growing more quiet, more dim, and I think about how Lilith would encourage me to shine and fight for what I want in life. 

I am the one silencing myself this time, I am letting the fear back in... because my rage has gone quiet. I have fallen in love and my nervous system is no longer in fight or flight - that rage is now just strength. I am embers, not dancing flame and as long as I do not allow myself to evaporate into smoke I know that the cycles of life will let me burst forth again.  What keeps me bound now is living in a system that does now feed my soul, forcing myself to maintain a lifestyle because I do not yet have the resources to creak the chains that bind me. 

But soon. Soon I will have the freedom that I crave. That rage is quiet but it has not disappeared. Instead that warrior inside me, the one who would strike the flesh from another if it meant freeing myself to live in my purpose, waits. Like in the Quran where it says not to engage in violence unless it is in the defense of self and one's spirituality, I still possess that rage and violence within me. I just know now, that it can only be tapped in the most dire of circumstances. But I have proven I am capable in the past, I am capable in the present, and should anyone try to bind me again I will be capable in the future. 

My pain and trauma opened the door for sacred rage to reforge who I am. I can now be soft - not weak - and I can be warm and friendly, without being a doormat. I am not non-violent, but I am only violent when necessary. I am a protector of me and mine, I will protect my freedom and the freedom of the people I love. To do that I must let myself be dimmer for a time until I can burst forth with power and bask in the light of my authenticity.  I am not quiet because of fear, I am quiet because I lie in wait.