Ive decided.
He needs time to reflect on what he wants without me there influencing him.
What if he doesn’t miss me when I’m gone?
What if he finds he likes not having me there?
What if he decides not to move forward with me?
I’m going to be heartbroken.
I’m going to try my hardest to make it work with him living separately. I’m not going to just give in because of an obstacle. If we have to start over then we start over.
I just don’t want to start over with someone else.
I want him. I want to be with him. The thought of leaving feeling like this, if only for a week, makes me want to cry and upsets me to the point where I can’t eat.
But I also deserve to be with somone who doesn’t think I’m too much. Who doesn’t think that I’m not enough. Who doesn’t base the most controversial issue in a relationship on appearances.
So this little break is needed. For him to figure out what he wants and how much I’m worth to him. And for me too, to remind myself what I’m worth.
... but I am so scared. There is a real possibility that he may figure out that he’s just not invested in this relationship the way he thought he was. Or that maybe it all really is too much.
He could decide to live separately from me but he could also decide to just end our relationship with the lease.
I can’t read him. I can’t tell what he genuinely wants.
I just want him happy. And I want to be happy.
But I won’t compromise on myself to keep him.
But gods above I don’t want to lose him.
Tomorrow I leave so that he can think and reflect.
For however long it takes for him to figure out what he wants in terms of us and our relationship.
Could be for two days, could be for a week.
Tomorrow the waiting begins.
I don’t want tomorrow to come.
Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep
Monday, May 13, 2019
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Note to write
things to reflect on while I’m gone:
- do you want this relationship to continue despite it being monogamous?
- do you want this relationship to continue despite my inability to fit the “perfection” mold?
- are you content to continue this relationship with me, as I am. No more pressures to be one way or another?
Keep in mind most of our ups and downs have been caused by external influences; like influences from roommates, medication changes, and drug mishaps.
- you regret dating me so soon.
- you regret moving in together so soon (despite having roommates)
- you havnt been ready so far in the relationship. Do you feel ready to move in and have it just be the two of us? Are you ready to move the relationship into the next stage?
If yes: then when the lease ends we get a two bedroom place with just you and me. We finally start our lives together.
If no:
- continue the relationship as is but live separately.
- discontinue the relationship because you feel we just don’t work as a couple and can’t make each other happy.
You know my feelings and I hope that you seriously reflect on your own so that you make the decision that is best for you.
torn...
logically moving out would make the most sense. I would solve all the problems brought up yesterday. Would give him the space he wants/needs. allow him to decide when hes ready to actually live together. Would put the ball in his court and let things go at the pace he needs, since mine is too fast.
but part of me thinks/knows... If i move out I might as well say goodbye to him. I don't want to lose him and what we have.
i'm honestly fucking torn. Its a rock and a hard place and I don't know which to settle on.
but part of me thinks/knows... If i move out I might as well say goodbye to him. I don't want to lose him and what we have.
i'm honestly fucking torn. Its a rock and a hard place and I don't know which to settle on.
to reference later
- Eastern Property Man
- http://easternpm.com/rentals/gables-east - 1 bedroom: ask about all inclusive (probable like 650). flexible lease terms, rent washer and dryer (or laundry at moms)
- http://easternpm.com/rentals/dockside-duplexes - its 315 per bedroom... but thats still not bad. i could lock the cats in my room at night, wouldn't be the first time and at least i'd get cuddles. allows 6 month leases!
- http://easternpm.com/rentals/ivy-court - 425, flexible lease length
- Connelly Property Manegment
- http://connellync.com/2903-e-fifth-street-greenville-nc-27858/ - brookside east
- http://connellync.com/801-peed-dr-greenville-nc-27834-2/ - summerfield
- http://connellync.com/1092-cheyenne-ct-greenville-nc-27858/ - cheyenne court
- Wainwright
- gladioulus - 440
- Brookridge - if with a roommate
- Russel Property Manegment
- Rent by the bedroom...
- https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/170303983889922/ - 315!
- https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/717993811891319/ - 350 avail. december
- https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/2070458139716533/ - Leon!! - 300
- https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/296268834337378/ - 350
If I find a roommate more options are available.
backwards
I didn't think that relationships were ment to move backwards but... to each their own pace I guess.
I saw the next stage of my relationship with jimmie being us getting our own place, just me and him. Starting our life together. The idea of which has gotten me through the past several months and helped me to hold my tongue on a lot of shit.
but apparently thats not what he wants. He's content to keep roommates until he graduates with his bachelors... hopefully no longer than that.
He doesn't want to have a place that is just the two of us.. which to me says he doesn't feel as committed to the relationship. He's not ready. so... we move backwards.
Everything happened too quickly for him. we moved in together too quickly and apparently the idea of having a place together after almost 2 years together is too fast also. So.
now what?
stay in this awkward situation where I want it to be the two of us and he doesn't?
or
I move out when the lease ends. I look for a place I can afford on my own ( most likely will have to rent a room or find a random roommate and get another apartment) and when he feels like he is ACTUALLY ready for us to live together we try again.
because we are OBVIOUSLY at different points in how we feel about the relationship.
which hurts, i'm not gonna lie.
But i'm trying to think with logic and reason and not let my emotions get the best of me.
holy shit i'm back at square one and time is ticking. I know what i'm going to be doing for the next several weeks.
I saw the next stage of my relationship with jimmie being us getting our own place, just me and him. Starting our life together. The idea of which has gotten me through the past several months and helped me to hold my tongue on a lot of shit.
but apparently thats not what he wants. He's content to keep roommates until he graduates with his bachelors... hopefully no longer than that.
He doesn't want to have a place that is just the two of us.. which to me says he doesn't feel as committed to the relationship. He's not ready. so... we move backwards.
Everything happened too quickly for him. we moved in together too quickly and apparently the idea of having a place together after almost 2 years together is too fast also. So.
now what?
stay in this awkward situation where I want it to be the two of us and he doesn't?
or
I move out when the lease ends. I look for a place I can afford on my own ( most likely will have to rent a room or find a random roommate and get another apartment) and when he feels like he is ACTUALLY ready for us to live together we try again.
because we are OBVIOUSLY at different points in how we feel about the relationship.
which hurts, i'm not gonna lie.
But i'm trying to think with logic and reason and not let my emotions get the best of me.
holy shit i'm back at square one and time is ticking. I know what i'm going to be doing for the next several weeks.
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Beltane
So it’s beltane.
My second year out on my own and I still don’t get to celebrate it.
I want to dance to pagan music around a bonfire.
I want to get drunk and walk the greenway, feeling the veil between worlds all but disappear. I can smell the world of the fae.
I want to celebrate (a few other ways)
But I am distinctly reminded that I am alone.
I have no group to hold festivities.
I have no waking companions to experience the veil shifts with.
I really suck as a solitary pagan.
One day I’m going to hold a beltane celebration that will be fucking awesome.
One day.
My second year out on my own and I still don’t get to celebrate it.
I want to dance to pagan music around a bonfire.
I want to get drunk and walk the greenway, feeling the veil between worlds all but disappear. I can smell the world of the fae.
I want to celebrate (a few other ways)
But I am distinctly reminded that I am alone.
I have no group to hold festivities.
I have no waking companions to experience the veil shifts with.
I really suck as a solitary pagan.
One day I’m going to hold a beltane celebration that will be fucking awesome.
One day.
Frustrated
So... I’m not sexually frustrated.
I’m frustrated and it involves lack of sex but it’s nothing to do with sex drive or feeling “horny” and unsatisfied.
I’m frustrated because sex provides a variety of benefits and I could really stand to use them.
I get it, bad mushroom trip fucked with his head and he lost his sense of sexual attraction and desire. As someone who also lacks sexual attraction: I get it.
But I’m also tired of the insomniac episodes.
I could really stand to gain some of the happy neurotransmitter and I’m not going to list the other psychological benefits.
I’m so tense I feel like I’m made of hard lead.
I’m cramping.
I’m tired of having nightmares and unrestful sleep.
I’m tired of feeling disconnected from my boyfriend.
And frankly: I’m bored and sex is a decent way to pass the time.
Sex isn’t a primal need for me.
It’s a learned habit that I’ve grown accustomed to...and learning to break a habit is not always pleasant. Not to mention it’s frustrating to have something with a loved one and then out of nowhere it’s just gone. Feels like there’s just this hole between us.
It’s not his fault...
I’m just so very tired.
And frustrated.
And probably need sleeping pills.
I’m frustrated and it involves lack of sex but it’s nothing to do with sex drive or feeling “horny” and unsatisfied.
I’m frustrated because sex provides a variety of benefits and I could really stand to use them.
I get it, bad mushroom trip fucked with his head and he lost his sense of sexual attraction and desire. As someone who also lacks sexual attraction: I get it.
But I’m also tired of the insomniac episodes.
I could really stand to gain some of the happy neurotransmitter and I’m not going to list the other psychological benefits.
I’m so tense I feel like I’m made of hard lead.
I’m cramping.
I’m tired of having nightmares and unrestful sleep.
I’m tired of feeling disconnected from my boyfriend.
And frankly: I’m bored and sex is a decent way to pass the time.
Sex isn’t a primal need for me.
It’s a learned habit that I’ve grown accustomed to...and learning to break a habit is not always pleasant. Not to mention it’s frustrating to have something with a loved one and then out of nowhere it’s just gone. Feels like there’s just this hole between us.
It’s not his fault...
I’m just so very tired.
And frustrated.
And probably need sleeping pills.
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