I miss you

I miss you.

While I may see a glimpse of you everyday and hear your voice,

I miss you.

I miss being able to touch you without a thought;
I miss being able to kiss you whenever I want,
I miss your touch and I miss your scent.
I miss the carefree and the tinder moments.

I miss the ability to love you up close,
I miss the ability to love you out loud,
I miss being able to love you openly.

Now I must love you from a distance.
My love must now be hushed and quiet.

And I will love you from a distance,
My love will not diminish with time and space
until the day you decide to move beyond my range
Or come back to me.

Maybe with time,
My lips may touch another’s and perhaps my heart will too.
But I will still miss you.

Tears will undoubtedly flow from my eyes,
As I watch you move farther away,
With pain and hope that you’ll come closer one day.

I miss you and I will continue to miss you
Until my heart tells me to do otherwise.

Let go pt 2

Maybe I need to let go of the stress.

Don’t think about the future I hope for.
Don’t think about the future I dread.

Mindfulness.

Be in the moment.

Let go of the stress of the future.

I don’t have to give up my hope.... just stop holding onto it. Let go.

I’m using it as a crutch. I need to let go... it’s not the same as giving up.

Just let go of the future.

Let go of the stress?

Expectation

Fine. I’ll let go of the hope.  Bring on the pain.

They say hope for the best and expect the worst.

So I have my expectations.

I expect that I won’t hear from him when I move out. I won’t see him anymore because we don’t have that many mutual friends anymore. I don’t expect him to come to my social gatherings, although I will always invite him.

I don’t expect us to have movie nights like he says we will.
I don’t expect him to invite me over for dinner the way he says he will.

I expect that when I move out I will be moving out of his life.

I hope for otherwise but if it’s Hope I have to let go of... then I’m only left with expectations.

Let go.

I keep getting the oracle card telling me to let go. That deaths and endings are a right of passage.

I get that the break up is a right of passage so to speak. He needs to grow alone and I need to grow alone. I get that.

I get that our past relationship is over.  I’ve let go of that. I’m moving out and even if he and I were to suddenly get back together tomorrow, I would still move out in August.

So what do I need to let go of? The hope that we will get back together? I don’t think I can honestly let go of that until I move out and it becomes clear that there is no hope.

So what is it that I’m suppose to let go of right now? Let go of the sadness I feel? I don’t know how. Let go of te anxiety that he will find someone else when I leave? Let go of the fear that I’ve lost the man I thought I was going to marry? Just tell me how and I will let t all go.

I’m tempted to do a card reading on our future because if there is no hope of us getting back together I want to know now so I can  cauterize the wound and move on. But if there is hope... I will continue to bleed until all lessons have been learned and we get back together.

I just wish I knew. I don’t know how to heal and I don’t know when to let go.
August is so far away, and it probably won’t be until September until I finally accept that he and I are done completely if he drops contact with me.

I don’t know what is sincere and what is just pacifying.
And if he is sincere now, it may change when I move out because out of sight out of mind.

So doing a card reading now would be pointless anyway.

I just want to know. I don’t know what it is I’m suppose to let go of... or to what extent.

Figuring this out.

If a relationship is a house....

I left and when I came back the locks had been changed. This was no longer my house. It remains empty for now... and I can enter in temporarily, but I’m still figuring out how to act when inside.

Cuddling - yes.
But the level of cuddle varies and I’m still trying to learn to read the situation and figure out the allowed level of cuddle. If others are present, only slight snuggling is permitted. He initiated cuddling tonight but I got overzealous and cuddled too much and irritated him.

Holding hands - when cuddling only and only when no one is around.

Kissing - occasionally, only when alone and in the absolute right situation. Rare.

It’s okay to kiss others, even though I don’t *want* to kiss others. The only reason I kissed that girl I hung out with was because I was drunk. I want to kiss everyone when I’m drunk.

Doing things together is still expected/encouraged?

Too much isolation is seen as odd behavior.
But too much interaction is bad.

I’m still trying to figure this out. How to act when around him....

It will be easier when I move out. Only 2 things can happen...

1) he does as he says he will and we still remain in contact and see each other somewhat often.
2) we lose contact and each other.

Either way, how I can behave will become much more clear.
And how I allow myself to heal will become much more clear.

At the moment I am keeping the wound open, I allow myself to still love him and it hurts. It’s a slow healing process.

But when I move out, if #2 occurs then I can cut off the emotions and heal much faster.


I am not waiting for him to grow and figure out where he wants to be before we *possibly* get back together.  (I say possibly because I don’t know if he is sincere about his desire to get back together)

I have my own goals to work on.

And I simply don’t want anyone but him. At least for the time being. I’m not against the idea of something light and casual but they would have to be pretty fucking amazing to actually catch my interest.

I’m still in love with him. And until that stops I don’t think I can honestly love another person... and until I move out and see his actual intentions I can’t make myself stop being in love with him.

There is the risk of someone moving into the house before I can move back. And it scares me.

I’m scared I will lose him forever.

He is no longer “my dork”.

I’m still in love with him.
And I’m still trying to figure this out.

My whole life

Everyone has dark moments.

Especially lately, with my good and bad days.

But just because in a moment I want to just stop existing...

I’m not throwing in the towel.

I’m a survivor. I’m a fighter. I am going to have a full life.

Wether Jimmie and I ever get back together and get married, or not....

I will not be alone forever.
I am a strong and spiritual person.

I have so many achievements ahead of me and so many lessons to learn.

And I have my whole life ahead of me to do so.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I do not want to experience this.
I do not want to feel this.

And when things are hard my go to thought it I want to die.

But I realized.... I’ve used my lorazepam correctly too often... I no longer have enough pills to kill myself. If I took what I have now I could cause organ failure... a slow death... but not a go to sleep and never wake up death.


So I put the pills in jimmies room.
No temptation.

This sucks.
I don’t care if something better is just around the corner.
I love him. This hurts. This sucks. I don’t know how to let go.

And my go to reaction is.. I want to die.


I don’t want to die.

I wasn’t to not exist. Not right now anyway.

I just want to not. At all.

But this is life. There is no pause button. There is only movement forward...

As slow as it might be.

The cards said I had a new beginning headed my way.
I just can’t see it. I loved him so much. How can I do that again:
I can’t spend my life alone. I can’t spend it with him.

I just want to spend my time alone in about. To sleep. Form a crysis and sleep until a new me can emerge.

But that’s not how life works. So tell me.
What do I have to learn before this pain goes away?
Before I can learn how to breathe again?

What do I have to do to get past “I want to die”?