Family

 Family

Last night I dreamed about Family. 

I dreamed that I went out to Christies with Dalton, and when I looked out on the patio I saw my families sitting at tables next to each other.  My drag Family was at one table but I noticed that Jimmie was sitting at the corner and I felt uncomfortable. A little sad that I couldn't go sit with them. 

at the other table, for some reason everyone was in town; Momma, Otis, Racheal were sitting together. I was super excited and about to grab the door to come out when cara arrived and I stopped. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable and knew that if I went out there and sat with them that she and I would end up fighting. She had also taken up the last free chair at the table. 

Sad and deflated I took a seat at the bar and watched my families laugh and joke from afar. Dalton sat beside me, telling me to go out there anyway and not to let anyone stop me, but I didn't want to cause fights. If I wasn't going to fight for my place in the family, then I needed to start one of my own.

I woke up reflecting on this. 

Now I'm not saying it means starting a family in the sense of having children. I know I'm not ready for that. And I have started a family... or rather joined one through the drag troupe. I don't know... I guess I'm feeling alienated from both families. I feel a bit alienated with the drag family since i'm the only burlesque dancer and not a  drag performer. I worry that they don't see me as one of them, despite the assurances they give. My drag auntie did reach out to me and say congratulations for being a booked performer now, so that was nice though. I love Twixie <3

I really want to talk to my mom but she's been super busy.. and part of me wonders if she is mad at me for finally cutting off cara. Which would be a bit hypocritical but understandable from a mother's perspective. That could just be paranoia though... I don't know how Cara may have twisted things. She's very good at playing the victim. Maybe it's just the distance... with momma and Racheal being so far away. I don't know. I miss my family. 

With Aaron and Cecilia gone and Amy back in school and about to start her own family... I feel like she is about to get pregnant soon... My original witchy family has sort of fallen/drifted apart. 

I don't really know what to do. 

change

 Okay so...

I went on 3 dates with Princess and even casually I don't think we are compatible enough to keep seeing each other on a romantic basis. She's cute and sweet but there just isn't enough in common. SoI need to figure out how to communicate that. 

Jo (another person I've been on a date/hangout with a few times, has a lot more incommon with me. I don't feel any kind of spark but i do feel really comfortable with her, so I might see her once a week depending....

on my new job! 

That's right folks. I'm starting a new job. 

A few weeks ago I was put on notice for mistakes I had been making (and being blamed for) and for being off task - which is ironic because for the most part I rarely have a task to be on. Well I panicked. I applied to and inquired about over 30 jobs and they have started reaching back out to me. 

I was given an offer in a sales call center; with base pay + commission I will be making 15+ an hour overall, after 60 days I qualify for benefits including health insurance and PTO. I will have a varied schedule of any day of the week ranging from 8am-12am (with 2 15min breaks AND an hour lunch), which is nice, their dress code doesn't seem to prohibit colored hair and is a casual dress code (any leisure/lounge wear must have a tunic length shirt to cover the rump)  AND... the kicker... after a few weeks they want me to apply to be a supervisor. which means a higher base pay on top of commissions. 

The company culture there is AMAZING. people seem GENUINELY happy there, everyone had a smile on their face, and they are especially inclusive and welcoming to the queer community. 

I feel super guilty about leaving my coworkers... I'll really miss some of them. But I'm also super excited about this change. 

Princess

 Princess

Okay so hear me out... I matched with this girl on tinder. Lets call her... Princess. Well Princess didn't start out flirting with me like most tinder matches do; instead of calling me cute or telling me i'm pretty every other sentence (which I hate) she actually had conversations with me. So I invited her to my BURLESQUE DEBUT (WHICH WENT AMAZING - THE CROWD LOVED ME) and she couldn't make it. However she was smooth... "I don't think I can make it tonight, but if you're free tomorrow we can grab coffee and you can tell me all about it?"

So I did. 

And we talked for 3 hours like it was nothing... the only reason I ended that coffee date was I had to feed my cats and I had made plans to go swimming with Ellis and Cy. So I invited her to that as well because neither of us wanted to end the date yet. 

We ended up talking for another 3 hours. It was awesome. 

Overall she is definitely someone I could see myself hanging out with more; maybe super casually dating, but idk if I could see myself with her long term. There were things I really liked about her, some things that were cute, and some things I was like "eh.."  - But def would help me finally move on from Viking Boy once and for all - and become JUST friends with him without the benefits. Potentially. I'm not ready to pull the plug on that yet, I only just met Princess. 

Also, i call her princess because she works part time as a disney princess for kids parties - she's also obsessed with disney and wants to work there after she graduates. Which is awesome - she wants to do event planning or like convention planning there; she's getting her BS in hospitality management. 

I feel like she would also be a good person for me to experiment with to try and get more comfortable with interacting with women.. physically, as she is also very inexperienced and has similar trauma to me. So I don't have to worry about needing to go slow, because so would she (IF it were to progress. Again, I have only just met her.) She also thinks she is on the ace spec (She thinks she falls closer to demi) so we were able to relate to eachother in our lack of interest growing up and have similar views on things. 

She knows nothing about kink or bdsm, so I think I will introduce her to a few concepts simply because they helped me a LOT when I was first experimenting with sex. (mostly the use of safe words and knowing that it's okay to stop, slow down, etc. I personally found being submissive to be stress relieving but that isn't something I think I would start out with seeing as we are both newbies in this field. I think I'll mostly bring in safe words and active communication generally used before scenes.) 

Shes more of a comedy, fantasy, and adventure kind of girl when it comes to media; so that means teen drama shows or comedies like brooklyn 99. She LOVES fantasy though so that means we can watch siren, witcher, and some other shows too. No dark crime shows or scary movies (sad) unless they are monster flicks - but thats what I have my clowns for :3 

Shes got potential to be a really cool casual partner, but again - I only just met her. 

It was just a really good date. 

bdsm theory

 Ya wanna know a theory I have? 

I feel like most burnt-out overwhelmed/underwhelmed former gifted kids who grow up to develop a praise kink/dom-sub dynamic... do it because being told "good job/girl/boy" "well done" and completing schooled tasks and receiving a reward... gives the same feeling and dose of serotonin that getting a good grade on a test use to give us. 

I just want that A. only now, instead of getting an A on a test for studying and working hard... I earn a beer or a night out at the bar. 

"You've more than earned it" 

That just made me illogically happy and feel good about myself. 

Sorrow and Rage

 Lex's mother has been murdered. 

It wasn't out of the blue.

It wasn't random. 

It could have been prevented. 

Her Landlord has a son who recently was released for rape. 

He took an interest in Lexi's mom and began to harass her. 

Then he started threatening her and her daughter that was still living with her because she wouldn't give him attention or meet up with him. - she had proof of that. 

She went to her landlord for help and they told her to just do what he wanted. - she had proof of that. 

She went to the police for help and they turned her away saying there was nothing she could do. 

She went to the magistrate to try to get a restraining order. 

She did everything she was suppose to. 

He killed her last night with her daughter locked in the bathroom calling 911. 

As a friend I am full of sorrow at the loss my friend is going through. I am helpless in that there is nothing I can do but love her through this. 

As a daughter I am horrified for the children she leaves behind. 

As a sister my heart shattered when I learned the daughter who was there didn't find out until today that her mom died from the shot. 

As a woman I am enraged that in our justice system this was able to happen. 

she did everything she was suppose to. 

She was killed because no one would do anything. 

Domestic Violence and Harassment victims are turned away... and then when they are murdered suddenly "if only she had done this..." She did. 

Fucking useless. The justice system is fucking useless. 

No one is going to help you when the time comes. 

I need to get a gun. A bat. Something. 

I need to be ready. 

I hope her murderer, who tried to blow his brains out when the police FINALLY arrived, lies and makes it through. I hope he is in severe pain the rest of his miserable life. I hope he rots in a cell and is beaten daily. 

I hope the landlords are arrested and charged as well. 

I hope the police who turned her away lose their jobs. 

I wish them all the suffering that they have caused. 

I am full of rage and sorrow. 

Depressed and On a Schedule

 So... because I have hit a depressive episode that I can no longer be in denial about (hopefully won't last long) due to the stress and uncertainty of work, finances, being lonely, and the debilitating uncertainty of my future... I need to make a schedule to be functioning and pull myself out of it. Almost like a lifestyle prescription. And yes - this is for a bdsm dynamic; a friend has offered to take on a dom caretaker role until I come out of my depression to make sure I follow the schedule. 

(Ironically I have a rigid schedule I keep when feeding the cats but can't seem to do it for myself)

Daily Schedule/Requirements

- Meals:

     - 2 meals a day (one main and one side - popcorn is not a meal!)

     - at least one vegetable - will require proof (picture)

     - and one fruit (water with lime as a substitute) - will require proof (picture).

     - Have at least 2 glasses of water - will require proof (picture). 

- Take medication - will require proof (picture)

- Read for 30 minutes a day 

- Light deity candle 

- Shower/Wash my face on days I don't shower. 

- Exercise once a day 30 minutes (Dance, walk, swim, yoga) probably after work and before I hang out or before bed.  - Walk on the weekends (with amy? Dalton and the pup? borrow Val?)

- Sing at least 2 songs a day (can be in the car, shower, etc)

- Errands (will need to be asked what is needed each day and run to the store after work before coming home. Groceries, Walmart, goodwill, etc.)

Weekly Schedule/Requirements

- Chores:

      - Cat litter (tuesdays) 

      - Trash (Mondays minimum)

      - Dishes (mondays minimum - even if not a full load; Thursdays if monday is missed)

      - Sweep (Thursdays before D&D)

     **All chores must be done within an hour of being home from work. 

- Create Menu for the upcoming week (Fridays with Brigid - provide proof)

- Meal Prep if needed (make rice, boil eggs, wash fruit, etc) - Demter

- Work on a writing prompt or journal once a week. (With Lilith)

- Do a reading once a week minimum - with the host, for tiktok, for friends, etc. (With Maeve)

- Do a weekly sigil (sunday night/monday)

- Light candle for each deity once a week each day(will need to make a schedule). 

- Bathe 2-3 times a week. (let's say... saturdays and wednesdays minimum)

- Self care day - Once a week I must have a day devoted to self care (facemask, bubble bath, groom,  fully moisturize. Can do it on Aine's candle day.)

** As long as weekly requirements are met on/by Friday I can still receive a reward. 

Rewards:

- TV (the goal is to replace some of my TV time with creative activities, so if i want TV I must meet daily requirements)

- Drinks! (earn a beer when hanging out if I meet daily requirements or a night out at the bar if I meet all requirements for the week)

- Cuddles/Video Games with Dalton (Fridays after drinks at the bar)

So Far: 

Sunday - Demeter

- Meal Prep/Grocery store

- Make sigil to manifest for the week

Monday - Lilith

- Trash

- Dishes

- Journal 

Tuesday

- Cat Litter

Wednesday - Maeve

- Card readings

- Bathe (bath or shower)

Thursday

- Dishes

- Brigid's Candle after 7 pm .. or... 

Friday - Brigid 

- ... Brigid's candle before 7pm

- Menu Planning

- Drinks!!! Weekly Reward!

Saturday - Aine

- self care - groom, moisturize, face mask

- bath/shower with salts or bubbles

Crystal Mirror Prompt

 Reflective journal/shadow work

Who or what is triggering you? What is it in you that they are triggering?

- Cara - even though I have all but removed her negative influence from my life she is still a trigger for me. I feel shame at how I treated her when I was younger and unstable, and anger that she used that shame to hurt me even after we had talked about it and put it in the past. The fact that she wishes failure on me and was excited to see me fail still hurts me, her manipulation and venomous countenance still bites at me even though i'm no longer open to hear it. 

I also mourn the relationship that I thought I would have with her; there was a period of about a year where we actually seemed to be doing better. I got my hopes up about - not being *close* but at least having a relationship with her. I am sad that it never got to be. I'm also proud of myself for finally closing myself off from her toxicity.

 As much as she hates my grandmother she is a lot like her. From how my grandmother treated Cara and my mom, Cara demonstrates a lot of it. Verbal and emotional abuse/manipulation, chronic victim syndrome, narcissistic characteristics (although caras is followed by deep pits of low self esteem which leans more toward histrionic personality disorder than full narcissism), neglect (my grandmother neglected my mom, Cara neglects her pets). They both say hurtful things for the sake of hurting the other person and feeling powerful/better about themselves. Both brag about being able to cut off family members. (I'm still laughing at how Cara thought cutting me out of her life would be a punishment.) I may have inherited my grandmother's mental illness; but Cara inherited some of her toxicity too. 

- Jimmie - Seeing Jimmie at the drag show and him now knowing I work at them has triggered some of my ptsd symptoms. I have become hypervigilant. I am depressed. I found something that brought me genuine joy and now it feels as though it's been tainted. I feel angry that my safe space has been invaded. I feel rage that he continued to make a point to show he wanted to talk to me; giving me the kicked puppy look that actually makes me want to kick him in the face. I caught him aiming his phone at me when he thought I wasn't looking; it was in the opposite direction of the performer. Anytime I would go outside it seemed he and his group would too. When I came back inside to avoid him... low and behold they would too. His very presence there makes me want to scream. 

- Viking Boy - I am not in love with him anymore; the cord cutting worked. I am still sleeping with him on occasion but I do not crave intimacy with him the way I used to. While the cuddling we do seems to be more sincere than before, the intimacy from sex feels hollow. It makes me lonely. Being around him in a friendly capacity is fine, but when things become more than platonically intimate it feels nice in the moment but leaves me feeling empty. I miss being in love, and the love I use to feel for him nt being there while our actions seem to mimic it makes me sad. I long to have a partner. FwB works better for us than dating ever did; and I am fine with that. But it just reminds me why fwb situations never last for me. I miss that connection. I go through phases where I'm fine with how things are and then again I'll feel lonely; then I'm fine again. This is just a lonely phase.  

With seeing Jimmie more often, I seem to see him driving around town all the time now, and dealing with my rollercoaster of emotions with Viking Boy, I keep revisiting the best and worst part of my relationship with both men. It leaves me with a strong desire to find something that keeps the best parts but is better even during its low points. I have strong desires for certain things in my next relationship and yet I feel utterly hopeless at finding it. I can't picture myself with another ma - in fact most men make me want to just run the other direction;  I can't picture myself with a woman; I can't picture myself with anyone... and I know some of this is the depression talking but as important as romance is to me.. it's just an empty hole right now. It hurts and there is no way to fill it. 

- Work - I am miserable at my job. If I have learned anything from working at PIP its that while I enjoy financial stability; I hate having a 9-5. I like having a regular schedule but I miss having varied timed shifts. I would rather work 3 12 hour shifts, or 4 10 hour shifts and have more days off. Or I'd rather work earlier in the morning/later at night and have more time off during the day. I miss interacting with a wide spectrum of people and developing relationships with them. I miss the freedom of working in the service industry. If I could get assurance that I would make enough money to get by and be comfortable I would return to bartending in a heartbeat. I am very very tempted to apply for a bartending/serving job at a burger joint rather than take the comfy bank job. The bank job would give me more stability and my weekends off but the bartending job would give me more time during the day and the freedom to be more relaxed and true to myself in my appearance. In either case I will be doing burlesque. 

But the 9-5 jobs make me feel stuck, suffocated, bored, and miserable. I want to actually WORK when I'm at work... not sit and do nothing for 3-6 hours a day. I would rather be overworked than understimulated. I don't need something complicated to do, but I need SOMETHING to do. At least someplace that lets me read or write or research in my free time without threat of being fired. 

I feel like there is no happy medium, I have an ultimatum... choose a job that will provide greater happiness or choose a job that will provide financial stability. There are no in betweens .. not in Greenville, anyway. 

- Location - I want to leave Greenville. This mostly stems from the desire to  not be one of those people that never leave their hometown and the fact that I feel stuck here. I feel like the people here are limited; I have limited opportunities for finding a relationship that actually suits me, I feel like I'm stuck in bad habits and changing locations could help me break them. It's like I'm stuck in an endless loop while I'm here and I want to break the cycle. I also love the water and ocean and the idea of living on the coast. I want to find a more accepting and varied community. I want more queer folk. I want more pagans. I want more kindness. I am so tired of all the ignorance here - although I know it's an issue that runs deep in America, not just this city. I long for a more progressive environment.. It's stagnant here. And now all of my money I had saved up to move to Wilmington is gone. 

I know things happen for a reason. Either I am not meant to move to Wilmington or it was the wrong time for it. But without a plan to leave I have no plans for the future. My present moment seems hopeless, chaotic, and lost... the future is what I was clinging to. Although I suppose it was naive and romantic of me to think that just changing locations would help me overcome my undisciplined lifestyle issues with my health and spirituality, I also hoped maybe finding others like me would help me get better. Greenville is so limited. I don't know how much longer I will stay here so I don't know what plans to make. I'm just lost. and it's triggering hopelessness within me. 

What part of you longs to be witnessed? 

This is a loaded question and I do not yet know how to answer that. It will require greater reflection.