Say it with me:

 Say it with me:

You are getting ahead of yourself and I am uncomfortable with the way this conversation is headed

Post Assault pre therapy

 It comes in the quiet moments:

Stupid. 

How could you have been so stupid. 

I was stupid for going there already tipsy. 

I was stupid for not leaving when I realized he wasn’t honoring his own rule. 

I was stupid for going to his home. 

Stupid.

Stupid.

Filthy. 

I felt his penis. 

Stupid. 

Nieve, not stupid. - F

It was squishy as he tried to ram it inside me.

Stupid.

I want to barf.

“Not my fault” - my fault. 

I showed up tipsy. I got drunk. 

I let him do the other things.

That’s why he thought he could do THAT.

Not your fault. - F

He didn’t ask. - Flower 

You didn’t know. - ???

Not our fault. - Siren

It’s okay - ??

He didn’t have a condom. 

I wouldn’t have done anything without a condom. 

I felt his penis. 

I want to barf.

Dirty

Defiled 

Lucky I got off so easy. 

Stop it - F 

Someone is crying. Maybe it’s them. Maybe it’s me. 

Stupid.

How could I have been so stupid?

Tyler - Trigger warning: assault

He had a firm rule: nothing sexual would occur if alcohol was involved. 

She knew better than for a first meeting to occur in the man's own home, with no one else present. But after he told her of his firm rule, something he didn't budge on unless he had been with someone for a length of time, she felt safe. 

As a safety net, she made sure to mention that she had been drinking that night. In fact she was bringing alcohol with her to come hang out, simply so they could talk and get to know each other. See what kind of vibes were present in person, since speaking virtually was going so well. 

Things went well. They both drank, the conversation did cover a few sexual areas of hypotheticals and different preferences, but it mostly lingered at heavy flirting and light hearted conversation. Which was why she found herself shocked when he put his hands down her pants. 

Now at this point, she was fairly drunk and some light petting wasn't a deal breaker - in the moment. She knew she would regret it sober but that was for her future self to deal with. But when things moved forward, she again was shocked. He had said he made a point to always ask before doing something new with a new person, and before she knew it her pants and underwear were off. His head was between her thighs. 

She froze. Let it happen. Let it happen and it will be done soon. She tried to ignore the unease she felt and the red flag at how reluctant he seemed to be to kiss her but how eager he was to get her pants off. She was drunk, she didn't say stop. This was consensual... so long as this was the farthest things went. She refused to let it go past this, even drunk. 

But she wasn't comfortable. Naturally.. she had a panic attack. To his credit, he backed off and comforted her. She indicated that perhaps it was best that they call it a night, although he kept insisting she could stay the night. She knew - if she stayed the night, he would do something while she was asleep. She knew. So she held her ground, it was time to go. She began to put on her pants but he made her stop, insisting that he wanted to try "just one more thing." When she asked what he just guided her to the wall, her pants at her knees, and pinned her there. Her breath whooshed out of her in a grunt as his body weight pinned her in place, and again she froze as she felt a pressure between her thighs. 

Shock and nausea rolled over her as she realized he was trying to force himself inside her. At this point her body had shut down, and her vaginal muscles had tightened to form almost a seal. Frustrated he jammed his fingers in, in an attempted to open her up so he could try again. She winced at the pain but breathed a sigh of relief when he backed off of her, frustrated and unsuccessful. She stood in shock for another second and then hastily pulled away from the wall and pulled up her pants. They hadn't discussed having sex that night. There was no warning he was planning on doing that. He wasn't even wearing a condom. She tried to remember how to breathe and plastered a smile on her face. She needed to leave. 

Immediately she let it get wiped from her mind; the incident in its entirety had taken less than a single minute.  She would talk with him tomorrow about things moving too fast. But for now she just needed to GET OUT. She stayed a few more minutes, fully clothed and they made small talk. The wall incident thoroughly stuffed the back crevice of her mind, she focused on the good parts of the night and snapchatted some friends. 

Afterall, he showed her with his hands alone that she was not broken, and indeed was capable of intense orgasm. That was a good thing. Thats what she focused on - although a talk about pacing was much needed because she was not comfortable about going all the way to oral on the first time seeing eachother. 

He handled her talk about pacing the next day well, although his complaint about how tight she was almost triggered her and she didn't really understand why. 

Afterall, at this point one alter was holding the emotional turmoil over the incident and another was holding the memory itself.

It would take over a month for the alters to loosen their hold. The emotional turmoil came first. She began having issues sleeping. Nightmares. And then in a wave of shock that made her sick to her stomach she remembered the rest of that night. She tried to shove it down... 

but two nights later, wine drunk and talking with trusted friends, she blurted out: "So... about a month ago, I was.. kind of assaulted." She was an emotional wreck for the rest of the night and most of the next day before, once again she began to disassociate from the memory. Unable to cope with the shame. She had let it happen again. 

Fucking tower moment

 okay so we started the move into our new unit... and it has one if the worst roach infestations I have ever seen. 

There is no way that we can stay there. The only other unit that would work for Ellis and I at all really doesn't work because we both refuse to take a huge downsize to our bedrooms. 

So I emailed the property management company.

Let them know that this location was unacceptable. Ellis wants to be let out of his part of the lease completely. I am willing to stay with them and transfer to a different location all together (although now I'm paranoid that they all will have roaches). If that unit is no longer available, I want out of my lease all together as well. 

If they try to fight me on this I will call code enforcement. I will not live in a pre-infested apartment. Just fuck no. 

So Option 1: Sterling Pointe

- 2 bed 1.5 bath  

- $850

- 1040 sq ft

- drive to work:

- https://www.pinnaclepropertymanagement.com/rental/3909-sterling-pointe-2-bedrooms-1-5-bathrooms-available-now/

Option 2: Brighton Park

- 1 bed 1 bath

- 895 / 970

- 650 sq ft

- drive to work:

- https://www.apartments.com/brighton-park-greenville-nc/1pzw096/

 (keystone within my budget without discount) -  I'll send out an SOS email to all of these properties letting them know the situation and seeing who has something ASAP.

Option 3: Barret Place

- 2 bedroom 1 bath

- 800 sq ft

- $745

- drive to work:

-https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/barrett-place-apartments

Option 4 : Blue Ridge (top of budget)

- 1 bed 1 bath

- 800 sq ft

- $975

 - drive to work:

- https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/blue-ridge-apartments

Option 5 : Lakeside ( VERY TOP, ALMOST TOO EXPENSIVE)

- 1 bed and 1 bath

- 750sq ft

- $1000

 - drive to work:

https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/lakeside-apartments

Option 6: cherry court

- 1 bed and 1 bath

- $850

- 760sq ft

 - drive to work

- https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/cherry-court-apartments

Option 7: Cypress Pointe

- 1 bed and 1 bath

- $850

- 650sq ft

 - drive to work

-https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/cypress-pointe-apartments

Option 8: Keswick

- 1 bed and 1 bath

- 725 sq ft

- $875 

- drive to work:

- https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/keswick-apartments

OKAY SO. Game plan.

Monday 

- Call Pinnacle at 10:30 to confirm they saw my email and discuss option for lease transfer. Go in person during lunch if I have to. 

- Set up storage unit for bed frame, room furniture, most clothes, freezer, washer/dryer, and couch. 

- Text Nathan at 4:30 to tell him to meet me at the roach nest. Load up what we can, drop off at storage unit. Come home, start packing more things, store my boxes in my room. 

Tuesday:

- try to find a new apartment. View any options on lunch break. 

- pack. try not to panic

Wednesday

- repreat. 

I release myself

from instagram:

*image that reads: I release myself from the versions of me that I created to survive*

More #reflection posts lol. I was talking with my therapist the other day about this very thing. How as a survival mechanism I am #hypervigilant about social standing & pecking order, & usually I place myself towards the bottom. Taking up as little space as possible. Being meek & small, muting my energy. So predators don’t notice me & protectors step in when needed. I energetically castrated myself, bcuz I began to believe myself to be as small & weak as I pretended to be. I either had to be hard & brutal or small & meek. I can be both. I can be loud. I can take up space. I don’t have to apologize for existing. I don’t have to water myself down for others, my worth is not defined by how much service I can provide to the people around me. #iamenough . I am #vibrant … & I can #forgivemyself for how I learned to survive & realize that I can let that go. I can stand out & May my vibrancy become my #aposematism

Progress; looking over the last year.

 Ya know… when I think about the things I still have to overcome and the things I’m missing in my life, I get sad. Almost hopeless. 

But then, I look back over this year. I went from a job that made me insane amounts of money but made me want to commit suicide... to a job that recognized my leadership ability and promoted me to manager after 3 months. 

I recognized my issues with co-dependency and how I no longer had a true identity as a person, and I’ve started reconnecting to things that made me, me. I have a VERY long way to go, but I’ve started therapy again, and this time I’m not going to give up on myself. 

I’m reconnecting to my gods. I’m not where I want to be spiritually, and I have to get past my fear of failure and issues with self worth that Christianity instilled in me… but I’m trying. My gods love me and I’m so grateful for their patience. The spirits that I work with are equally by my side. I’ve started developing the desire to connect to my ancestors. It’s slow work, but no matter how slow, I’m doing it. 

 Am growing as an artist. I had long given up my dream of being a writer. And while I doubt I’ll ever finish a book or get published, I’m rediscovering the joy it brings me. I’ve been developing myself as a burlesque dancer, and I’ve really begun to use performance art to help me process trauma and heal. My growth as an artist is easily one of my biggest accomplishments this year. 

I went from being isolated and alone, basing my identity and whole social world around a single person (who didn’t deserve the responsibility of that and ) who was incapable of supporting or loving me the way I needed to realizing my codependency was a crutch. I’ve stepped back from dating and started to finally give myself the love I desperately threw to others. I’ve reconnected and deepened friendships. I’ve found a family and developed a support system I thought I would never have. 

Moral of the story…. Life is funny. You go from being convinced you’ll marry someone to choosing to be alone. You’ll discover your worth. Realize your flaws and accept that it’s okay to need help to heal them. Discover community. So much progress and growth can happen in a year. Imagine what could happen if you actually have yourself a chance for A lifetime. 

 Don’t focus on how much you still have left to do, everything you are lacking. Focus on how far you’ve come. Be it a step or a mile. want everyone who actually read this to know; no matter how dark and hopeless life seems now…. Life can change. It can be so gradual you don’t notice until you’re halfway out of the pit. Don’t give up. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on life. Give yourself the chance.

I’m back baby

 Okay so I’m going to try to get back into blogging. 

I’ve kind of turned my instagram into a blog so I’ll probably post on here what I post on there lol

So there is a lot to catch up on. Some of this may be a repeat but it looks like I’ve been super slack in this. 

I left the call center and got hired as an assistant property manager for a student living complex. Things seemed great at first but then the work environment grew very toxic because of my manager. I had 2 options:

1) stay quiet until she made me quit or she got me fired

2) go to her manager for help.

In the past I would have gone with option 1. But, and this is on growth, I went with option 2. We had a mediation session and things improved. But everyone could tell the peace wouldn’t hold up so my manager got transferred to another location (for multiple reasons). 

I was left as interim manager until the next one arrived. However the day after the new manager was supposed to start, and my 90 day milestone, I was told I had impressed them when I stepped up; they offered me the job. So now I am a property manager. 

As of two weeks ago, I’ve gotten back into therapy. The current goals are to address my lack of self worth and self love, which is an umbrella for a lot of things, a big one being my codependency. I’m also hoping to get some clarity on what I want for my future and what I want my life to be like. 

And now that I’m back in therapy…. I’ll be doing a lot more reflections. Which I love. Because when I’m reflective I’m happier. So, sorry I’ve been gone so long. 

I’ll be blogging more regularly now.