Bad date

 Okay so this was probably the worst date I have ever been on (not counting traumatic ones). 

So next time I talk to him I’m going to upfront: 

I always give someone 3 dates before I decide if I want to continue seeing a person or not. I considered all 3 of our dates and have decided that I don’t want to keep seeing you. Thank you for letting me get to know you and good luck in your endeavors.

Not a lie, at all. I do give someone 3 dates. If he asks why: 

It boils down to communication. While the first date went great, the conversation was a bit awkward and forced the second and third date. The last date also showed a lack of clear communication of expectations about the date. 

When we agreed to a movie, I had expected to pay for my own ticket however you said you were buying the tickets, so I accepted that. I was going to offer to buy us a large popcorn in return but was going to wait until we were at the theater. Then you suggested we get dinner beforehand and provided the venue. I expected to pay for my own dinner because I never assume someone else will, however I was a bit taken aback when you asked for me to pay for both of us (since you bought the tickets). (And then we each pay for our own snacks)

This had not been communicated before hand and if I had known you expected this I would have declined dinner because I wasn’t expecting to pay for more than $20 for the night (the total for dinner was $45 after the tip). I would easily have agreed to just buy my own ticket if presented the option. I also was embarrassed to answer you when you kept asking why I wasn’t buying popcorn… because I couldn’t afford it. I had already spent double what I had allocated for the night. 

Then there was the awkward moment after dinner where you asked if I wanted to walk to the theater and I said I was too cold so I’d drive. I was confused and uncomfortable that you expected me to give you a ride to the theater when you had driven your own car to the date. 

Overall there seemed to be a lack of communicating expectations & not enough common interest to warrant continuing seeing you. 

——-

Bruh if it weren’t for the fact that I wanted to see the movie (dune 2, it’s awesome go watch it) so bad I would have just left after dinner. 

introduction

 The System

• Pixie - Praimry - volitile, anxious, hopeful, people pleaser, lonely, fear of abandonment, healer, inferiority complex, creative, bounces between empowered and disenfranchised, compassionate, spiritual, Human
• Fiona - Secondary - Controled, aggressive, cool anger, calculating, protective, doesn't feel emotions the same way as normal people do, nuturing - LOVES kids, confidant, dommy mommy & has an ego, dark goddess complex, spiritual, Fae. 
• Flower - childlike wonder, joyfuk, nieve & optimistic, playful, isn't a child but can be very childish, VERY social, sunshine personified, good at taking over in social situations when Pixie is too anxious but usually only once or twice, after that she looses interest. If shes bored - she will leave. Fae. 
• Siren - Playful, seductive/flirtatious, likes to preen like a peacock, warm goddess complex, she is all talk though -its rare for her to have actual interest. water nymph/siren. 
• Little - hidden - young child. Doesn't speak. Fear. Always crying. Always scared. Only comes out when we feel TRULY safe. likes to color. Whenever try to remember what happened with the boy she starts crying too hard and Fiona makes us stop. Whenever I try to bring her forward I am seezed with panic. human. 

My Gods

• Brigid - Life Patron - Healing, Protection/Hospitality, Inspiration/Creativity; Celtic
• Lilith - Personal Patron - Personal Power, Feminine Rage & Power, Independance, Sex for Pleasure; Sumerian/Spiritual Satanism
• Demeter - motherly, abundance, crops, diviniation
• Aine - Love, Romance, Healing from Sexual Trauma, Sex as something pure; Irish
• Maeve - Tough Love, Protective, Magic, Soverignty, Leadership; Irish 
• Lucifer - Education, Illumination, Personal Growth, Empowerment,; Spiritual Satanism/Roman (Phosphorus) ----- he helps me regulate my emotions. Ask me about Roe v Wade. 
• Cernnunos - God of the wild, chaos, nature, the hunt, the dead, The Wild; Celtic
• Bast - Protection, Joy, Song & Dance, pets; Egyptian
• Thoth - God of writing, education, knowledge; Egyptian
• Kuan Yin - Compassionate and Unconditional Love; Chinese/Everyone. 

Spirits:

• Ancestors
• The Fae
• Host of Friends - group of spirits of various types that help me (spirit guides)
• Svn - primary spirit guide/guardian Angel

My Religion in a nutshell:

I believe that there are 5 elements that make up all things: earth, air, fire, water, and spirit. Spirit is a universal life force that connects all things and are what give life. Spirit is what makes all things including the gods. I do not see spirit as a sentient being; however it is something that all living things can tap into, especially humans. As such I think that every being has divinity within it; its why we are able to heal with just our minds (placebo), manifest, have psychic abilities, etc. 

We are all divine; the gods are more powerful than us but we are not so humble and lowly in comparison as we are divine beings as well at our core.

Because of the divinity within us and the ability to tap into spirit and use it; I think that any god that has ever been worshipped exists. Now some gods may have many names, but all exist. 

This is similar to hinduism and Barhaman; the main difference (and why I am polythiestic, rather than monistic like hinudism) is that I do not see spirit as a sentient being but rather a force of nature. 

getting better but not there yet

Its so hard now to think of everything that is wrong with me, now that I've finally gotten my trauma back into a box and i'm stable again. 

No more cryng fits. 

The flashbacks had dropped drastically. 

The sleep issues persist but idk if thats just my adhd or general hyperarousal. 

I can still tell that Fiona is more present, as I'm still in a vulnerable mental state with my anxiety and trying to force myself to be social.

I've got a third date tonight with a guy that Fiona doesn't like and while theres nothing wrong with the guy I also don't think I will want to see him again after tonight. Already my palms are sweating at the thought of saying so. Fiona doesn't get it (my hesitation) and she's irritated. 

I know the fear is stemming from the flashbacks. This guy is not Tyler. He has NOTHING in common with tyler. But he reminds me of him and idk why.

I'm so lonely but its so obvious I am not ready for dating. But then I start to feel better and I want to meet people.... and then by the time the second or third date rolls around I want to run for the hills. 

I'm turning into the toxic person. 

Texting people is so much easier. Its safer. Theres no pressure. Once you meet in person though that changes. 

Its just dinner and a movie. I don't need to be so anxious. 

...

But anyway; I'm no longer walking on a tight rope mentally. I'm not having anymore suicidal ideation. 

I am able to actually be happy and social during the day. 

My anxiety can be triggered and I flip flop in an instand, but OVERALL i am in a much better spot than I was two weeks ago. 

I'm so friggin lonely though. 

slowly

so this anaology came to me the other day in a dialoue scene  (naturally I was in the shower and couldn't write it down, so this is going to be FAR less beautiful than it was in the moment) and in our introductory 

"When there is a gaping wound in the middle of a battlefield you slap on whatever you can to survive. In a war you want to heal as fast as possible, however that often traps the pain inside. It throbs and aches, even years later, and the scar tissue is sensitive to the hurts of the world.

But when you make it home, safe from the war, sometimes you have to re-open the scar and bleed out any festering and trapped pain. You force the injury to re-heal slowly, leaving you vulnerable for longer but ultimatley once fully healed you are stronger. 

Your mind has been forced to heal quickly, trapping the pain and pressure inside. I aim to be that saftey; I am here to protect you in that vulnerable slate so that you can re-open your wounds and take the time to heal slowly"

My new therapist said something similar and it made me think of the scene from last week. 

Its funny how the gods give us little signs. 

****I recieve messages from the gods and the fae through the dialogue daydreams that randomly come to me. Later, not too much later, i'll either do a reading or be having a conversation and the same message will show up. 

PTSD - A double Villanelle poem

You can’t breathe behind the mask you show

Having an unseen disorder is like blackmail, 

So you keep it in, no one can know. 

Drowning in shame, the longer you go. 

The screams bubble in your throat - free with one exhale;

You can’t breathe behind the mask you show.

In your career you grow and grow, 

If you crack they see you as nothing but frail, 

So you keep it in, no one can know. 

The flashbacks start, you can feel the echoes

Memories a blur of fearful chaos, there is no detail

You can’t breathe behind the mask you show.

The mask is slipping, quick - crack a joke

You go numb to the world or else you’ll fail

So you keep it in, no one can know. 

Its getting bad again, the madness’s creep slow

Naively you thought you could dodge the assail. 

You can’t breathe behind the mask you show

So you keep it in, no one can know. 

It eats at you, like acid on the brain

banishing away the semblance of rational thought,

playing out like ghosts reliving their death day. 

you’re back in its grasp, drowning in shame

You try to remember the tools you were taught - but

It eats at you, like acid on the brain

You cannot escape it, feeling insane

Their faces, their voices, they scream and taunt

playing out like ghosts reliving their death day.

Emotions, sights, and sounds overcome you in a hurricane

Concentration is lost on the winds they’ve brought

It eats at you, like acid on the brain

Fatigue devours your body, leaving you lame

Flashbacks whisper, stealing the peace you’ve sought

playing out like ghosts reliving their death day.

Constantly alert, unsafe and forever afraid,

Drowning in madness, you scream distraught:

“It eats at you, like acid on the brain!”

You are but a ghost reliving their death day. 

Therapy prep

 I always like to go into a new therapists office with some prep. 

Traumas to cover that I can list right off the top of my head:

• childhood abuse 
• physical & mental/emotional (mom & mary)
• memory loss from childhood... not a good sign. bipolar? osdd/fiona?
• my suspicion of molestation.... Little interferes every time I try to delve. 
• Sexual abuse, emotional/mental
• Corrie
• Emotional/mental abuse
• Lauren - learned the "you're broken and only I can love you" trope of manipulation....
• Emotional manipulation - the birth of my severe abandonment issues
• The foundary crew (Amy/Jimmie, Brooks/Maggie, Aaron); no relationship will ever last, everything is temporary, and they will always leave. 
• Emotional Abuse/single example of physical
• Jimmie
• "You're too much to handle, and not enough to satify" - burned into my memory. 
• Emotional/Mental Abuse
• Dalton - aka "Viking man"
• jesus christ how do I begin... 
• Sexual Assault
• Tyler

Triggers to fearful responses (freeze, fawn)

• raised voices
• displays of agression
• ignoring of physical boundaries
• feelings of abandonment
• pain
• anything dealing with sex

Triggers to anger reaction/fight responses (all verbal.)

• feelings of being dismissed
• feelings of being ignored
• feelings of rejection
• feelings of being humiliated
• being disrespected (roasting is fine. being talked down to is not.) - This has always been a trigger with my younger sister but now it is a trigger for any situation courtesy of Dalton. 
• feeling emotionally attacked/judged 

I have become a HIGHLY reactive person. I admit this. This is toxic and is a trauma response. 

However I disagree with the psychiatrist's "BDP" diagnosis because I lack a very key symptom. 

• When it comes to relationships I do not have the oscillation between extremes of “idealization” and “devaluation. I have seen this in EVERY SINGLE BPD person I have ever met. I do not have this. 
• While i do have intense/extreme anger very easily, I do not have EXPLOSIVE anger. 
• While I say that my bipolar has turned into a "new animal" and I have noticed that I can have mood swings multiple times throughout the day ON TOP of my drawn out episodes; I would argue that it is in connection to my anxiety/panic/hyper arousal. I don't go from hyper manic to deeply depressed in a day.  

While... yes... I do have a lot of symtoms of BPD... ALL of the other symtoms of BPD that I have are also symptoms of PTSD, CPTSD, and ADHD. 

I would also like to say that it is not uncommon for people with bipolar to also have BPD. 

Thoughts... I have copied over some differences between cptsd/ptsd and BPD. I will highlight the parts that apply to me. The parts that do not fit at all will be highlighted in red. Orange is very dependant on situation. 

• Although both conditions can lead to problems maintaining personal relationships, people with BPD tend to fear abandonment, whereas people with C-PTSD may avoid intimacy or relationships altogether because of ‘feeling somehow unlovable or undeserving because of the abuse they endured’. (I know I'm lovable... idk how to love myself though. not really.)
• People with BPD are more likely to self-harm, [My self harm is denial of basic needs. I do not cut myself.] than people with PTSD or C-PTSD.
• ‘While both those with BPD and C-PTSD struggle with emotional regulation and often experience outbursts of anger or crying, those with C-PTSD may experience emotional numbing, emptiness, or a detachment from emotions.’
• Someone with PTSD may be calmed by going to a familiar environment and being reassured that they are safe. This might irritate someone with BPD, who may respond more positively to being told their feelings are valid.
• People with PTSD are more likely to be triggered by a specific external trigger and think and behave rationally outside those triggers. For people with BPD, the triggers tend to be internal thoughts and feelings, which can be less predictable --> Both fit. 

Another source listed:

CPTSD

• Intrusive thoughts: Intrusive thoughts can include recurring memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and emotional or physical reactions to reminders of the traumatic event.
• Avoidance behaviors: People often avoid places or situations that remind them of a traumatic event. They may also avoid talking about anything related to the trauma.
• Increased arousal: Sleep problems, irritability, heightened anger or anxiety, and difficulty concentrating are a few common arousal symptoms.
• Emotional dysregulation: This is the inability to manage the duration and intensity of negative emotions. This may also include dissociation and disconnection from those around you.
• Negative self-view: Shame or guilt are more common with CPTSD than PTSD. With CPTSD, you may feel the traumatic events were your fault or caused by a defect in yourself. These emotions can lead to depression and suicidal thoughts.
• Difficulty in personal relationships: Trust is difficult for people with CPTSD because they tend to feel that people will inevitably hurt them.
• Loss of belief system: Your worldview or religious beliefs change.

... My faith (I'm pagan; polythiestic) has never weivered and is how I have survived everything. 

BPD

• view the world in extremes --> I feel like this depends on what they mean.
• quickly change values or worldviews
• have difficulty with impulse control --> ADHD symtom. 
• have impulsive behaviors, such as unsafe sexual intercourse, reckless driving, and spending sprees -- only when Manic or trauma flare ups. NOT a daily occurance. 
• fear abandonment and go to extremes to prevent real or perceived abandonment
• experience intense, inappropriate anger
• have suicidal thoughts and behavior -- ONLY when having a ptsd episode. not regularly. 
• have a chronic sense of emptiness
• experience dissociation -...... alters.?

brief - not okay.

 I'll keep it brief - I have not been okay. 

Since the year mark of tyler's assualt last november my ptsd/cptsd symtoms have been slowly cranking up the heat until it started to bubbled over about 3 weeks ago. 

it got bad. 

suicidal ideation bad. 

I did a micro-dose of mushrooms with new friends and it helped. a lot. I no longer feel like i am hemorrhaging madness inside my brain, however I also get the distinct sensation that it was a bandaid put over a gaping wound. 

I do not know how to process trauma. I go mad until something happens that makes me feel like i have a semblance of control and then thats usually enough for me to be able to stuff it all back into a box and not think about it until the next trigger. 

I am not able to fully stuff it into a box. I have tape on the box to keep it closed but its scotch tape - not packing tape. 

So I have therapy scheduled for next tuesday the 5th. To help me process the trauma. 

I am very nervous because I don't want to open the box that already took so much energy to close at all. If it all comes out at once I will drown. 

I was drowning. I'm treading water right now. I'm not ready to go under again.