Compatibility

 Hey guys, this has been on my mind since the other week when we all “hung out” at MC and J's house and it turned out to be a dooms day prep meeting. 

I don’t know if I’m as compatible with you as you guys think I am. 

Yes, there are some things that align for sure like: our views on spirituality, hallucinogenic medicine, a deep desire for connecting to the people around us with empathy and kindness, and I am very interested in the music festival culture. You also opened my eyes to the semi-nomadic way of life which i LOVE the idea of and totally plan to do when I can. 

However:

1. If I had known that “hang out” was going to be about dooms day prepping, I would not have come. In fact I felt super uncomfortable the whole time and was actually a bit irritated I hadn’t been warned (which was not on you guys what so ever, but was just how I felt at the moment in general). You guys seemed so happy that I was there but I wasn't there knowingly - I’m not a prepper. I do not think there is going to be some catestrophic societal collapse brought on by a secret society. Every theory I have ever heard is filled with confirmation bias and paranoia, only adding unneeded stress to people who are already stressed enough. 
2. While, yes, I want to live in a tiny home with solar energy and well water - and if I can actually manage it a small greenhouse - the desire does not come wanting be off grid... it comes from wanting to live more sustainably. I don't mind being on grid at all, I would just like to use more natural resources if I can, plus it would honestly save me a lot of money in the long run so that I can live a lifestyle more aligned with me.
3. I like urban living and want to always live near a city, with access to nature anytime I want. 
4. I’m actually against anti-vaxing, unless medically necessary. This is actually something I feel fairly strong about. 
5. I’m not bothered by fluoride in the water or against processed foods. Yes I would like to eat cleaner in general but I’m also not intending to cut all processed foods from my diet. You guys are so passionate about what you eat and I almost feel a bit judged because of the level of vehemence in your voice when you talk about people who aren't bothered by it (which would be me). Energetically I check out whenever this topic comes up. 
6. I am not opposed to the 9-5 life. While I felt utterly trapped in the business industry, that was before I found out I could leave it and persue a career in spirituality. I do plan to one day open my own business/travel "church" and teach seminars on spirituality, but I know that is probably about 10 years down the line. 
7. If I were to date you guys I would probably continue to want to swing. I have love for you, how I feel goes beyond normal friendship, but it is also not an all consuming love that would make me only have eyes for you. I am drawn to you, I love many of your ideas and goals, I do feel a deep connection to you... I also feel a disconnect. 

My point is that I am still more "plugged into the matrix" than you guys are and I am concerned that you guys may not realize how much.  

Since you guys have voiced that you have actual feelings for me I want to make sure that what you feel is actually for the reality of me and what I am. A intimate friends this would be less of an issue, as I have several friends who I chalk up "thats just how they are" and I am disconnected from it. If I were to actually comitt to you as a partner, then thats a different story. 

Questions for processing

 Questions to answer based on my conversation with Demeter. 

• There is a difference between choosing to not have kids, being unwillingly sterile, and choosing to be sterile. Why do you subconsciously think choosing this is going to make you less than? 
• Who are you so afraid of disappointing by becoming sterile? 
• Even if you were to “change your mind” anbout having kids - there are other options to have a child - even a biological one. You know you don’t want to become pregnant, so why hesitate? 
• What happens to the eggs during menstruation after the ligation? Can they be harvested at a later time? 
• If your future partner insists on having you carry a child, even given the risk, would it be more expensive to harvest eggs for a surrogate or to reverse the ligation? How would you prevent another pregnancy - have him get a vasectomy? 
• You do not wish to raise a child full time. You do not wish to give birth. Why do you feel you are betraying the sacred feminine? There are many roles for women - Mother is just one single option. 
• Why do you fear the judgment of others when the decision is made for the betterment of your health and safety? Would you allow someone to point a gun at you just so you wouldn’t be judged by them? Why fear rejection for protecting yourself - if those who reject you have shown they do not care?

Ligation

 Okay so an update: I’m going to get a tubal ligation/“get my tubes tied”. 

Here’s why: 

• My desire to have biological children disappeared when I made a deal with Lilith & Demeter to transfer any fertility I have to Racheal so that Ellie would make it into this world. I don’t *want* to give birth. If I am meant to be a mom then there are other ways a child can come into my life.
• A pregnancy would be dangerous for me. For the safety of the baby I would have to be off my meds the entire pregnancy. If I was barley holding on at 2 months without meds. Going on 8-9 months of unmedicated bipolar would be literal hell. Not to mention however long I breastfed. Plus with bipolar I would be very susceptible to post partum depression. Which could be catastrophic when coupled with a bipolar episode UNMEDICATED for me and baby. 
• Condoms and spermicide only works so well; and there will always be slip ups. (Like with Evan and I slept together half asleep and he didn’t tell me he was coming so I didn’t get off of him in time). 

I don’t have any sure fire birth control methods. None of the hormonal birth control actually acts as a contraceptive because of my bipolar pills. Changing my bipolar pills is almost pointless because it would either be to another anti seizure medication and have the same problem, or an antipsychotic. 

I will NOT be on an antipsychotic. Even if I did get on one, I would have to get off of it for the pregnancy and the same risks would follow - only I’d run risk of a fucking psychotic break on top of it the same way I almost had on last time I took antipsychotics.

I know this needs to happen. It’s the safest option. But part of me feels sick at the idea of permanently changing my body. (Although, yes, it can be reversed for like $15K+). Stripping away one of the most sacred things a woman can do. Just like when I first figured out I like women.. there was a (short lived) moment where I felt like it made me less of a woman. I will be permanently separating myself from one of the blessings of the divine feminine. 

There’s almost a sense of grief, even though I don’t want to be pregnant. As a child and young adult one of my worst fears was to find out I was infertile, the baby fever was so intense that although I was terrified with every pregnancy scare I was also a little excited. Now finding out I’m pregnant is one of my biggest fears. Because if I am pregnant? I will get an abortion. There is no doubt. 

Now… if I were to by some miracle get pregnant AFTER the tubal ligation then I would take it as a sign and I would not question it, although it would take an entire village to make sure I (and the child) make it through alive. 

Theres also the fact that… I met my daughter’s spirit a few years ago. I also had a feeling that she was already born, or that she would be born, to someone else not too long after that. Part of me wonders if it was Ellie. Part of me wonders if my future life partner has a daughter. Part of me wonders if it’s a future niece. 

(Racheal is my identical twin so any of her children, share my DNA)

But a small part of me may always wonder if, at some point I was meant to have a daughter? 

Selkie

 I take my messages from the Fae. 

and there's 2 lessons (at least) you can learn from a Selkie:

1) Don't let someone who claims to love you be mean to you. 3 strikes and their gone. 

2) Don't feel forced to fill any particular role or wear any particular hat/mask. Embrace your authenticity. Step out of who are you as *insert role for other people* and be free. 

Evan is about to learn that the hard way. 

We reconciled and decided to pick up where we left off. He does have things I really like and look for.. but he has a fucking mean streak. Not subtly abusive.. just... not nice. 

He doesn't believe in tipping well.  - this may not be a big thing to others but this is a borderline deal breaker for me. 

And then in regards to me.. 

1) He doesn't compliment me. I know its because he thinks I would be more attractive if I lost weight... but still. I can count on one hand the number of compliments I've gotten (honestly I think its either 2 or 3). I don't want to be smothered in compliments... that's a turn off. but when I am feeling cute and OBVIOUSLY showing off and preening for a compliment...compliment me godsdamnit.  "Nice Drip" barley counts. I compliment him all the time and he loves it. I've spoken to him and he knows I like compliments. 

2) He's mean about my slight OCD. I have to have things even. If you kiss on cheek, I need the other one kissed. If you do something to one hand, I need it done to the other. Last time I saw him he bit my shoulder and my neck playfully but with some force (awesome). But then when I showed the other side he backed off and made a joke about it. Sure. I get it. saying no at first to see me squirm can be fun. But after a minute its uncomfortable. 

It bothered me the WHOLE time I was there. to the point where when we were cuddling I brought it up and asked him to fix it and make it even... he said no. He wasn't going to feed into it. I had asked slightly playful, trying not to make it awkward. I waited a few minutes. Then I asked him more seriously to do it. He just went "hmmm" and didn't respond. Basically ignoring me. That's when I got upset. As soon as the movie finished I pretty much jumped away from him and got ready to leave. He could tell I was actually unhappy so when I hugged him goodbye he *finally*  bit the other side. 

However, he even acknowledged in that moment that he bit one side hard enough to leave a mark that was still visible. Him making it even? His teeth barley grazed me. It was still fucking uneven. It bothered me all the way home and I had to seriously distract myself to I could get to sleep because my body FELT UNEVEN. 

Was it something super bad? no. Was it mean? yes. 

Thats two. 

He has one more instance of being mean and I'm cutting him loose. 

and a new deal breaker will emerge. 

I won't date atheists... and moving forward I won't date sadists. 

But I also won't commit to Jazz and Isaac wholly either. 

I will once again let myself be bound to no one, I will just let myself be free. 

Listen to the Selkie. 

camping out

 Well we are under a tornado warning, the sirens have gone off twice so far (my boss says that never happens) so me and the babies are camping out in the basement. 

Update; in the span of 3 days I applied for a job, interviewed, and got an offer. Then I had a come to Jesus talk with big boss jack. I am now staying, got a small raise (roughly a dollar), and he had a talk with my direct manager to get her to ease off of me a bit. 

Pretty much said the write up was more so to cover their rear ends in case I mess up too bad and for me to put it out of my head. So I will. 

I would prefer to stay at this job, I really would. All the way through school. 

I hope that really happens. 

changing jobs

So it is becoming abundantly clear that I will need to find another job. The work life balance preached here is so back and forth.... I do't check emails over the weekend and my boss says thats a problem. I do check emails over the weekend and thats a problem. 

but I have ADHD. My brain moves super fast. That means I will occasioanlly mis read an email... or have to make a double trip because I didn't realize i needed two of something instead of one. 

But I got written up over it. "failure to communicate up to standards" and whatever else they put on the paper that I didn't get to read. 

$0 rent --> use student load to pay off starting august (can start new job in september/october)

$55 internet 

$100 utilities -- I will pay for electric only but idk what that will look like. 

$400 personal loan 

$400 credit ($200, $200, $50)

$70 Joint membership 

$235 car payment

$90 car insurance 

$15 renters insurance

$376 health insurance

$117 student loans 

$70 pets

$25 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space,7 peacock)

$80 gas 

$50 savings 

$75 Roth IRA

$300 Groceries

$50 - liquidatable investiments

$100 - misc

----------------------------

2518/x = 80/100

31475.5 before taxes x 12 = 37,770

so 39K a year minimum for a new job. So about 20 an hour. 

But that would't be doable until I got my refund in September. 

$1095 rent --> until sept. oct?

$55 internet 

$80 utilities -- I will pay for electric only but idk what that will look like. 

$270 personal loan 

$150 credit ($80, 30, 40)

$70 Joint membership 

$235 car payment

$90 car insurance 

$15 renters insurance

$320 health insurance (change in jobs would lower it?)

$100 student loans (change in jobs would lower it?)

$70 pets

$25 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space,7 peacock)

$80 gas 

$50 savings 

$75 Roth IRA

$200 Groceries

$50 - liquidatable investiments

$100 - misc

-------------------------------------------------

3050 x 80/100 = 

3812.5 x 12 = 45,750 = 46K minimum. 

I need to look for something that has less moving parts or requires less "critical thinking" since aparently thats where I'm fucking up.... so looks like going back to customer service. 

In the event that I have to take on an even lower paying job...

$0 rent --> use student load to pay off starting august (can start new job in august)

$55 internet 

$100 utilities -- I will pay for electric only but idk what that will look like. 

$270 personal loan 

$400 credit ($200, $200, $50)

$70 Joint membership 

$235 car payment

$90 car insurance 

$15 renters insurance

$320 health insurance

$100 student loans 

$70 pets

$25 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space,7 peacock)

$80 gas 

$50 savings 

$75 Roth IRA

$200 Groceries

$50 - liquidatable investiments

$100 - misc

--------------------------------------------

2305 x 80/100 = 2881.25 

2900 x 12 = 34,800 = 35K or 17 an hour. 

but that would be in october...

Can I make it that long?

 

bruh wtf

 My boss has been a great landlord. He really helpe dme out by not making me pay a deposit when I moved. I was in a month to month lease - just had to give 60 days notice. 

I gave more than 60 days notice. 

I am fully moved out June 10th. 

He's making me pay a full month's rent for June. Only if someone moves in by the 15th will he refund me for the second hald of the month.... HOW IS THAT LEGAL????????

Like what the fuck?????

I will now have to pay two whole fucking months rent PLUS a full month's rent as a deposit in June. 

$1250 - June rent to my boss

$2082.50 - move in costs 

$45 gas for the move; I will be making so many trips at 32 miles round trip that it will be about a tank

----------------

$3377.5

BRUH. 

I have the move in costs in my savings but this will completley liquidate it. I was counting on only having to pay 10 days worth of rent to my boss. 

What the actual FUCK.