worst case scenario

 you know what? Student housing loan split by 12 months is about $820 a month. 

If shit hits the fan and I realize that I can't keep this job and go to school full time. Once this lease ends.... I restart. I sell my desk and all of my computer stuff. I sell my cat tree. I sell my bed and frame, all of my drawers. sell my table and chairs. pretty much sell EVERYTHING except my clothes, my books, my laptop, my movies (which I would condense into a CD binder). I would condense most of my things into like.... 4 storage bins. 

Take out extra student loans to pay off any personal loans. 

Buy a camper - the mortgage on it will be at like half rent. Find someone willing to let me set it up on their land (Star, Rachael, Jeramie and Mary Claire etc.) and live out of that off of my student loans and part time work. I am happy to have a comfortable nest egg here in my apartment.... but I could do with even less. If I needed to. If I could make a studio apartment work, I can make an RV work.

IF I can find a roommate... I could "upgrade"  to a 2 bed, 2 bath unit at my current apartment. They increase the rent every year so I know its going to go up in price so we would each end up paying $800each (i'd even be willing to do $820/ $780 to have the master bedroom). But utilities, food, and internet would be split down the middle.  This would be my preference, and I guess I'll just have to find a damn roommate (who is okay with having a day bed as a couch)

Could alternatively sell Majority of my stuff, put the rest in storage (like a tiny one), and rent a room somewhere that would allow 3 pets... 

Bruh. I might have to move back to freaking NC since the only people I know would be cool with that are there. Maybe Rachael (work) will be open to renegotiating living with her... 

Jesus christ idk what I'm going to do. 

at the very least - $820 in rent can be paid with student loans. idk what kind of part time job (or maybe full time job thats just less stressful?) would pay me enough to stay afloat. 

I have to stay in this job. But idk how i'm going to manage my time. I'm going to have to return to micro managing my time. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm hoping by the end of this lease My debt will be significantly reduced. 

1. I'll still need like $380 for my car insurance and payment. 
2. my misc subscriptions add up to like.. $40. I'll keep them. (Might have to unsubscribe to audible. Will talk to rach about KU)
3. 100 for debt because I know I'll still have some
4. Health insurance would probably be a lot lower so we'll say $100?
5. Still paying off the personal loan as well so $300
6. $100 for my freaking Roth IRA. 
7. phone will be paid every year in december on credit card because thats freaking $500
8. $300 groceries. Will try to keep it lower and reach out to food banks. 
9. $200 gas a month because idk what it will look like. 
10. $50 savings.

Okay I get $5000 each semester. goes towards rent. 

so thats $1000 each month. thats $400 at 28% APR, $2.5K at 22% APR, $4.1K at 18% APR, and my personal loan is 9K at %15 APR. It would make more sense to pay off my CC debt first because higher APR. I already budget for $280 to go towards the personal loan. Put the full $1000 towards the CC each month, add an extra $100 to the personal loan that would have gone to credit. 

Overall I pay 

$1100 in rent & fees

$280 in personal loan

$130 estimated for CC.

---------

1510 

$1100 towards CC (- > 7 months

$400 towards PL --> $2600 in 6 months

thats 6,400 after the 6 months. 

- 1500 for 3 months (4.5K)

-------------------------------

1.9K left in personal loan after this lease ends. so... Next Summer. Which I can put on the CC and close out the personal loan, to be split up into smaller payments each month. 

Alternatively could pay rent normally and do big deposits on the credit... but by paying rent off that allows me to move money around month to month if i need to. First things first. I need to move my 28% APR to my 18% APR... and hide my 22% APR card. 

Honestly... I'm half tempted to label my freaking cards once I get them down. 

1. Groceries and Gas (SAMS card)

2. Emergencies (22% APR)

3. Misc. (18% misc) to be hidden once I hit $1000. 

I can't close them - it will tank my credit. 

Release

 Okay so I am coming to terms that a lot of what is holding me back spiritually... is fear and resentment. 

Fear

I fear the repercussions of fully devoting myself to spirit - because then how the hell am i going to pay my bills? In all honesty. I am so overwhelmed with work and the idea of doing this AND school? I don't know how i'm going to do it. I really don't.

I want to deep dive into spirituality right now. I crave it. But when I do I know that I'm going to become even more unfocused on the practical side of life (...my job...) and I can't afford that right now. 

What I need is time to focus on myself. I need time to reflect, time to focus on my body (gym), time to connect to spirit, time to be expressive (sing, dance, write), go to class, do my school work, and manage to be social at least once a week. 

But instead I am so stressed with work that the moment i'm off work I want to disassociate from it all and enter escapism. I want to read. I want to watch TV. 

I like my job well enough. But I don't have the mental capacity to focus on other things the way I want to with as much mental energy I spend at my job. 

As much as I want to delve into the non corporeal... I'm scared of the corporeal repercussions.  

Then there is also the fear of shame. 

This one is a big one for me. Its why I have stage fright. . Its why I can sing and dance freely alone but the moment someone else is around... I am stiff and pitchy. Its why I am scared to talk to new people.. the shame of being rejected or seen as awkward. 

Its why if I am not instantly good at something I give up rather than dealing with the shame of being a failure... and that includes spirituality. 

Resentment

I hold a lot of resentment in my body. 

I resent myself for my humanity - although its not my body's fault I was born a human. Loving humanity is the lesson I am meant to take away in this life. 

I resent the Christian church for a lot of the programming in my brain that I am having to un-do. Seeing myself as less than, being taught shame, a childish fear of hell (which I don't believe exists), knowing that there are people that truly believe I would go to such a place just because I am different than them and the fact that it can be said to my face (as a fucking child) with a smile out of "love".... there's no hate like Christian love. 

I resent my own weakness of mind and spirit. My lack of discipline and impulse control - which seems to get WORSE with age. 

I resent the military for taking away my affectionate and loving sister and turning her into someone cold and self righteous with feelings of superiority... that thankfully she has outgrown. the more she turns back into my loving sister the more she distances herself away from the military.  I feel like it stole my sister from me - and I don't mean the physical distance. But I am getting her back so that resentment is now misplaced. 

I resent my younger self for all of the mistreatment that I went through. 

Release 

I do not know how to release the fear of losing my stability in life by shifting my focus to the spiritual. That will come with time, guidance from the gods, and from community, to which I do not have right now. If I was back in NC maybe.  Part of me still feels the incredible impulsive desire to get rid of 90% of my home stuff (I should just put it in a storage unit. that would be wiser.) and sell my car and buy a camper - drive down and park it on Rachael's property.  When this first year of school is up maybe I will talk to her about it and actually consider it. Or talk to Star about it and go back to NC. idk. it would be a lot to financially figure out and take on. 

like I said. I will need guidance from the gods and community. I'll deal with that later when the stress of it all puts me under. 

But what I can release? 

I can release my fear of shame. 

Shame is just a preconceived judgment that I pass on myself. Do I judge people for not being instantly good at things? No. Why should I judge myself? Do I judge others for doing things they enjoy even if they do it badly? No - in fact I admire them. Why do I think the judgment of some would out weight the admiration of others? I should admire my own bravery and confidence of living for my own joy and not the opinions of others. 

I didn't go to the gym all three days I was supposed to? Why feel ashamed? My body needed the rest. I listened to my body. No shame in that. 

All I need to do to resolve my fixation on shame, is to be kind to myself. Easier said than done... but its a simple task. Simple - not easy. 

This won't be something I do over night... but its a realistic goal I can work with. 

I can also release resentment. 

The resentment I hold against my body will take time and hard work. I partially resent my body for how much maintenance it requires - its exhausting thinking about having to stretch every day? how often I need to eat? to drink? Human bodies require a LOT of mental and physical energy to upkeep and I do resent that.

 The biggest reason I resent my human body is because I blame it for how disconnected I feel - but in all honesty I know that's not my body's fault. Its the focus on money, the limited energy, the limited attention span. Connection will improve when my stress levels go down. When spiritual connection stems from peace - its hard to reach when you are always in fight or flight. I need to release my resentment for my body. 

My body is my home. My body lets me connect to people in the way I wish to connect to spirits. Spirits cannot connect to us the way that I can connect to other people - that is a blessing of being human. I can touch and be touched. I can comfort and be comforted. I can listen and be heard. My body may not be the ethereal beauty of spirit but it is beautiful in its own way. I know my beauty will only grow as I learn to release shame as well. 

I can release the resentment I hold against Christianity - it is not the faith that should be resented, its the people who corrupt it or who use it as a smoke screen for corruption. I know there are good Christians who actually follow the teachings of Christ. I know that the religion itself is not evil or bad in the same way paganism isn't evil or bad. Every faith will have assholes. Any corrupt person with power can use ANY religion to manipulate and control. I need to realize the resentment I feel isn't the church itself, its the people who warped it. It was the youth pastor. It was the preacher. It was the bullies. It was the politicians. Mind you... there are whole denominations who are corrupt and warped... but it, again, is a reflection of the people. not the faith. 

 I need to learn to release the resentment I have for my own weakness. I have been battling mental illness for 20+ years. My mind is tired. I'm not truly weak... I am just tired. 

As for the impulsiveness? It honestly makes sense. As I am slowly learning to love myself and allow myself to enjoy things, coupled with the fact that I am constantly to mean and harsh to myself, that in a moment of "fuck it - I want to feel good/I deserve to feel enjoyment" I indulge myself to counter the rigid cruelty I usually aim at myself. If something will bring pleasure/enjoyment my body and mind jump at the chance. If I can learn to be more kind to myself - give myself pleasant experiences in moderation and constantly, then I won't feel the need to be reckless and impulsive. 

I also need to realize that it is a side effect of mania. I repeat from above... I've been dealing with this shit for 20+ years and I am so fucking exhausted. My control slips. I am not ashamed of it... but I need to let go of the resentment.  

I can let go of the resentment I feel towards the military. In much the similar fashion to Christianity - its not the military itself I should resent - its the people who run it. Its the policy makers. Its also not meant for everyone. The military is designed to break the uniqueness and create cohesive consistency. How people react to it is on them. The military did not take my sister - she turned into someone I did not like based on her experiences. I couldn't resent her so I resented what I perceived to be the culprit. She mellowed out and she is once again someone I like. It was never the military's fault. There is also a lot of good that the military does. 

I have my own ritual I plan to do for releasing this, as I suspect it is needed for my future happiness. 

Finally... I can release the resentment I hold towards my younger self. She didn't know how she deserved to be treated because no one had ever shown her. She was doing the best she could. She loved deeply and she was afraid of being alone so she told herself it was love that kept her there. When we got hurt, she didn't fight because her body told her to fight was too dangerous. 

My younger self did what she thought and felt and convinced herself she needed to in order to survive. And you know what? She did. She is the reason that I am here today. She is the reason I am wiser now. She is the reason I have such a strong passion to help others - helping them is my way of helping her now that I can be someone she needed. She was bound by fear and shame and compassion. I will break those bindings for her. None of it was her fault. 

Ho'opomopono

I'm sorry - to my body for blaming you for things that were not your fault. 

Please forgive me - to my mind for my cruel words and refusal to understand 

I love you - to my past self for doing what you could at the time to take care of me 

I thank you - to my current self for continuing to do what you can to take care of me. 

Food and Nutrition

 Alright so my trainer (only see her once a month) has asked me to keep a food journal - not to go indepth with like... mcaros and calorie counting, but just in general to see what I eat and what nutrients I am getting. 

Honestly i think its going to help me eat more. 

So I want to put more thought into what I eat since I know its hard for me to eat a lot. 

Jazz sent me this video that helps identify areas where I am not getting enough nutrients:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqLuyop6Xtc&ab_channel=Dr.EricBergDC

So it looks like I need:

• zinc - possibly 
• Vitamin D - I have so many symptoms lol... I'm supposed to take prescription strength vitamins. 
• Calcium - especially at night
• Vitamin C - leafy greens
• Vitamin A /Retinol  - (causes night blindness!!!)

Things to add to diet:

• Nutritional Yeast? (helps with the B vitamins - which can help with mood, overthinking, & anxiety)
• Liver/egg yolk (Vitamin A)
• Fatty Fish - Salmon, tuna, sardines
• Vitamin D fortified Cereal (CHERIOS <3 or OJ)
• Mushrooms
• Leafy Greens (Kale & Spinach for salads as opposed to lettuce) 
• eggs. (Custards are good - made with the yolks and not the whites)
• Oranges 
• Cantaloupe, mango, and apricots are good sources of vitamin A. Orange and yellow fruits are also a good source of beta-carotene, an antioxidant that the body can convert into vitamin A

So What I'm seeing...is 

1. I need to get some fortified OJ and have at least once glass a day, especially at night. 
2. Get a kale salad mix every grocery trip (bi weekly) 
3. eat more eggs (boiled, grits, quiches)
4. start buying cantaloupe/mango with each grocery trip (bi weekly) 
5. Move to cheerios for my cereal.

I might also switch to heavy cream instead of buying milk. It will be more expensive but a whole LOT less waste, and a whole lot more nutrients. 

So now I will biweekly buy:

• Heavy Cream
• dozen eggs (any from the previous dozen will be boiled for snacks)
• Fruit (pick 2): Cantaloupe, Mango, honey dew, strawberry, blueberry
• Kale salad mix
• Frozen spinach
• Frozen veggies (as needed) 
• at least 1 bag mushrooms maybe 2
• Premade beef roast 
• Enriched OJ (which I will take with my meds every night)
• Rye bread for sandwhiches?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meal Ideas because I am so bad at it I might start rolling a D20 die

Easy Meals/Crock pot night before:

1. Ramen (add mushrooms and an egg)
2. Grits and eggs
3. Shrimp and grits
4. eggs salad sandwhiches/add potatoes and just eat it. 
5. Seafood boil
6. Salad (with grilled or microwaved salmon or chicken or shrimp)
7. Cereal (with heavy cream)
8. Premade Beef Roast with rice & (microwaved) veggies
9. Poke Bowl (go out and buy it or just cook the shrimp, add the fruit & kale) 
10. Sushi (buy it)
11. Chx nuggets with slaw & mac and cheese
12. Gnocchi + additives (spinach or kale & msuhrooms)
13. Chicken pot pie
14. Clam chowder (from a can) 
15. Crock pot: Broccoli/Green bean casserole + chicken or turkey; can also be made easy with cream of mushroom soup and frozen veggies
16. Crock pot: Beef Stew 
17. Crock pot: Tascan Pasta
18. Crock pot: Simple Coq au vin
19. Crock pot: Curry & Rice- lentil or chicken
20. Crock pot: Chili (turkey, chorizo, etc)
21. Crock pot: Spaghetti 

A little more effort :

1. Quiche - add ham, spinach, mushrooms, peppers, onions, etc - Mom recipe 
2. Liver and onion sandwhich
3. Dirty Rice (liver, giblets, turkey)
4. Garlic Parmesan pasta - add chx or Greek Halibut especially - Mom Recipe
1. sub pasta for cous cous
5. Cream Cheese Tuna/Salmon/Chicken pasta (with spinach, tomato, mushroom, etc)
6. Taco Bowl (shredded beef - crock pot recipe)
7. Shrimp etouffee 
8. Cauldron of joys/pork belly cubes- rillons- D&D recipe
9. Zombean attack/Black Bean Antojitos
10. Garlic-Studded Pork (chopp or tenderloin) - D&D recipes
11. Meat Pie - D&D recipe or Mom recipe 
12. Corn Soup/Maukshew (add okra)
13. Shrimp Saganaki - Mom Recipe
14. Honey Ginger Shrimp - Mom Recipe
15. Cajun Shrimp Pasta 
16. Brisket (many meals & freeze) - Mom Recipe
17. Meatloaf
18. Roasted Acorn Squash + topping (Quinoa, shredded chicken, etc)
19. Japanese green beans
20. Asian Glazed Salmon in Foil - added to Mom recipe book

In general my next grocery list:

Walmart:

• heavy cream
• kale salad
• corn on the cob
• Gnocchi
• White wine single servings
• clam chowder (can) 
• Mango fruit cups?
• Mandarin orange fruit cups
• Premade curry sauce packets
• honey pot bath bombs (ph balance)
• shredder and can opener :( 
• Quinoa 
• Enriched OJ

Wait until it is absolutely dire - then make a sams order. 

• 2 imitation crab meats (poke bowls and seafood boils)
• box of chicken pot pies --> could also buy cleaner and get from festival?
• 2 boxes of wet cat food
• Salmon fillets
• Tialpia (instead of halibut) 
• 1 cooked shrimp
• 1 uncooked shrimp
• 1 thing of happy worm vitamin gummies
• Chicken nuggets
• Enriched OJ? Sale on bulk?

Manifest Love - Poem

 Today I manifest love. 

I manifest a love that inspires, 

imbas taking over and forging words painted on the page

 or dancing on breath between loving lips.

I manifest a love that dives deep

 discovering the wonders of the mind and the world, 

discourse of the soul and a hunger to know more.

I manifest a love that sees beauty

honoring the journey of my body, the curves and scars that tell my story

and meets it with sincere awe and compassion.

I manifest a love that laughs

Joy spilling over, with easy smiles, and a playfulness

that soothes the inner child each and every day.

I manifest a love that is patient

with a kindness that never ends, spilling over to each and every soul

seeking to understand all with empathy .

I manifest a love that protects

surging forward with a fierce fire that burns away any threat

and a warmth that comforts after the fact .

I manifest a love that grows

over time and through every journey, growing in strength and depth

changing with the seasons and staying steadfast.

I manifest a love that comes to me

eagerly racing forward from the heart of the one who is meant for me

but most importantly, from within myself.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Compatibility

 Hey guys, this has been on my mind since the other week when we all “hung out” at MC and J's house and it turned out to be a dooms day prep meeting. 

I don’t know if I’m as compatible with you as you guys think I am. 

Yes, there are some things that align for sure like: our views on spirituality, hallucinogenic medicine, a deep desire for connecting to the people around us with empathy and kindness, and I am very interested in the music festival culture. You also opened my eyes to the semi-nomadic way of life which i LOVE the idea of and totally plan to do when I can. 

However:

1. If I had known that “hang out” was going to be about dooms day prepping, I would not have come. In fact I felt super uncomfortable the whole time and was actually a bit irritated I hadn’t been warned (which was not on you guys what so ever, but was just how I felt at the moment in general). You guys seemed so happy that I was there but I wasn't there knowingly - I’m not a prepper. I do not think there is going to be some catestrophic societal collapse brought on by a secret society. Every theory I have ever heard is filled with confirmation bias and paranoia, only adding unneeded stress to people who are already stressed enough. 
2. While, yes, I want to live in a tiny home with solar energy and well water - and if I can actually manage it a small greenhouse - the desire does not come wanting be off grid... it comes from wanting to live more sustainably. I don't mind being on grid at all, I would just like to use more natural resources if I can, plus it would honestly save me a lot of money in the long run so that I can live a lifestyle more aligned with me.
3. I like urban living and want to always live near a city, with access to nature anytime I want. 
4. I’m actually against anti-vaxing, unless medically necessary. This is actually something I feel fairly strong about. 
5. I’m not bothered by fluoride in the water or against processed foods. Yes I would like to eat cleaner in general but I’m also not intending to cut all processed foods from my diet. You guys are so passionate about what you eat and I almost feel a bit judged because of the level of vehemence in your voice when you talk about people who aren't bothered by it (which would be me). Energetically I check out whenever this topic comes up. 
6. I am not opposed to the 9-5 life. While I felt utterly trapped in the business industry, that was before I found out I could leave it and persue a career in spirituality. I do plan to one day open my own business/travel "church" and teach seminars on spirituality, but I know that is probably about 10 years down the line. 
7. If I were to date you guys I would probably continue to want to swing. I have love for you, how I feel goes beyond normal friendship, but it is also not an all consuming love that would make me only have eyes for you. I am drawn to you, I love many of your ideas and goals, I do feel a deep connection to you... I also feel a disconnect. 

My point is that I am still more "plugged into the matrix" than you guys are and I am concerned that you guys may not realize how much.  

Since you guys have voiced that you have actual feelings for me I want to make sure that what you feel is actually for the reality of me and what I am. A intimate friends this would be less of an issue, as I have several friends who I chalk up "thats just how they are" and I am disconnected from it. If I were to actually comitt to you as a partner, then thats a different story. 

Questions for processing

 Questions to answer based on my conversation with Demeter. 

• There is a difference between choosing to not have kids, being unwillingly sterile, and choosing to be sterile. Why do you subconsciously think choosing this is going to make you less than? 
• Who are you so afraid of disappointing by becoming sterile? 
• Even if you were to “change your mind” anbout having kids - there are other options to have a child - even a biological one. You know you don’t want to become pregnant, so why hesitate? 
• What happens to the eggs during menstruation after the ligation? Can they be harvested at a later time? 
• If your future partner insists on having you carry a child, even given the risk, would it be more expensive to harvest eggs for a surrogate or to reverse the ligation? How would you prevent another pregnancy - have him get a vasectomy? 
• You do not wish to raise a child full time. You do not wish to give birth. Why do you feel you are betraying the sacred feminine? There are many roles for women - Mother is just one single option. 
• Why do you fear the judgment of others when the decision is made for the betterment of your health and safety? Would you allow someone to point a gun at you just so you wouldn’t be judged by them? Why fear rejection for protecting yourself - if those who reject you have shown they do not care?

Ligation

 Okay so an update: I’m going to get a tubal ligation/“get my tubes tied”. 

Here’s why: 

• My desire to have biological children disappeared when I made a deal with Lilith & Demeter to transfer any fertility I have to Racheal so that Ellie would make it into this world. I don’t *want* to give birth. If I am meant to be a mom then there are other ways a child can come into my life.
• A pregnancy would be dangerous for me. For the safety of the baby I would have to be off my meds the entire pregnancy. If I was barley holding on at 2 months without meds. Going on 8-9 months of unmedicated bipolar would be literal hell. Not to mention however long I breastfed. Plus with bipolar I would be very susceptible to post partum depression. Which could be catastrophic when coupled with a bipolar episode UNMEDICATED for me and baby. 
• Condoms and spermicide only works so well; and there will always be slip ups. (Like with Evan and I slept together half asleep and he didn’t tell me he was coming so I didn’t get off of him in time). 

I don’t have any sure fire birth control methods. None of the hormonal birth control actually acts as a contraceptive because of my bipolar pills. Changing my bipolar pills is almost pointless because it would either be to another anti seizure medication and have the same problem, or an antipsychotic. 

I will NOT be on an antipsychotic. Even if I did get on one, I would have to get off of it for the pregnancy and the same risks would follow - only I’d run risk of a fucking psychotic break on top of it the same way I almost had on last time I took antipsychotics.

I know this needs to happen. It’s the safest option. But part of me feels sick at the idea of permanently changing my body. (Although, yes, it can be reversed for like $15K+). Stripping away one of the most sacred things a woman can do. Just like when I first figured out I like women.. there was a (short lived) moment where I felt like it made me less of a woman. I will be permanently separating myself from one of the blessings of the divine feminine. 

There’s almost a sense of grief, even though I don’t want to be pregnant. As a child and young adult one of my worst fears was to find out I was infertile, the baby fever was so intense that although I was terrified with every pregnancy scare I was also a little excited. Now finding out I’m pregnant is one of my biggest fears. Because if I am pregnant? I will get an abortion. There is no doubt. 

Now… if I were to by some miracle get pregnant AFTER the tubal ligation then I would take it as a sign and I would not question it, although it would take an entire village to make sure I (and the child) make it through alive. 

Theres also the fact that… I met my daughter’s spirit a few years ago. I also had a feeling that she was already born, or that she would be born, to someone else not too long after that. Part of me wonders if it was Ellie. Part of me wonders if my future life partner has a daughter. Part of me wonders if it’s a future niece. 

(Racheal is my identical twin so any of her children, share my DNA)

But a small part of me may always wonder if, at some point I was meant to have a daughter?