New beginnings and fights

I don’t have anyone to talk to so once again I’m using this blog as a one sided conversation/rant.

So it’s official. We signed the lease Monday.
I’m feeling relaxed, I don’t have to stress about finding a place. I’m not stressed about money because I have my share of everything.

Or so I thought.


I haven’t seen Jimmie very much because he’s been busy with studying for certification tests. So I ask him to come over and cuddle. We get talking and he tells me that I’m paying my pet deposit completely.

Now normally this wouldn’t upset me except that he assured me that I wouldn’t when we first talked about getting a place together.  He said that he and Cory didn’t see it as a “we each pay our respective parts” (me with the whole pet fee, him having all of his 495$ deposit transfer) but rather just the whole sum and divided by 3.

Now he’s gone back on that. He and Cory don’t feel Comfortable paying the pet deposit. And then he argues that in a way he has because of his deposit transferring. Whole sum divided by 3 my ass.

I’m not mad about the money although it would have been a hell of a lot nicer to know as soon as things had changed so I could change my spending habits accordingly. It’s not the money. I’ve done the math. I should be good even with the increase.

No I’m mad that he lied about how things would get split. Granted we did have to pay less of a deposit because of his transferring. But we already planned for that. Or rather I was going to pay mine and his share if it didn’t transfer and he was going to pay my first months rent. Either way the deposit was going to get covered and used in all of our favor.

So we’re done arguing. I’m facing the wall he’s on his phone beside me on the bed. I’m still mad but I still miss him and want cuddles. I tell him so. He actually turns me down. “How about pets?” And then pets my head in what feels like  condescension. When I shrug his hand off we just stay in silence for what feels like forever.

I’m waiting for him to just fucking leave because I asked him over for cuddles. He refused. No need for him  to be there if all he was going to do was keep me up and play on his phone - I can’t go to sleep until he leaves because I have to lock the door behind him. He can play on his phone to who knows when at home. Im waiting, I can’t bring myself to actually tell him to go because I fucking miss him. I’m now counting down how much sleep I can possibly get, sit up to set an alarm, and Smokey jumps off of him. This spurs him to leave and  I try to go to bed. Angry thoughts circling in my brain and no one to talk through them with. So I’m blogging.

Maybe now I can get some fucking sleep.

Not likely.

pantheon

So i feel like my pantheon is starting to work itself out.

Some people like to follow the archetypes.... some examples:

Goddess Of Springtime/Harvest
God Of The Sea
Grain God/dess
God Of War or Battle
God/dess Of Love
Dark Goddess
God/dess Of The Hunt
God Of The Underworld
Father God
King Of The Gods
Solar Deities
Crone Goddess
Earth Mother
Mother Goddess
Lunar Deities


Others go by elements

Earth
Air
Fire
Water
Light/sun
Darkness/moon
Magic/Spirit/Soul

My pantheon:

Gia/Mother Earth: Mother Goddess
Cernunnos/Horned God: father God, God of the Hunt, god of death/comforter of death
Bast: Protection, Solar, Fire, Warrior **Patron Goddess**
Demeter: mother goddess goddess of harvest and abundance, earth
Thoth: God of writing, education, creative energy, air
Queen Mab/Maeve: Faerie Queen goddess, magic, dark goddess, earth,
Venus/Aphrodite ( dependong on what i need help with): love, self esteem, relationships, water
Psyche: goddess of the soul



Gods i'm looking to research and possibly add:
Epona: Goddess of Horses, Travelers & Dreams, bringer of dreams and nighhtmares
Anubis
Hel: goddess of one of norse's many underworlds, those sent to her are the ones who die from sickness or old age to live in comfort - supposedly if i were to die because of my bipolar, it is with her that i would spend my R&R time.

official!

i will officially be getting a 3 bedroom with jimmie and cory.


top available right now:

1. Wyndham
1. http://www.pinnaclepropertymanagement.com/listing.php?id=72#!prettyPhoto
2. when available? how much is pet fee?
2. Tilley - 1205 Forbes st - 750 and ceiling fans
3. Tilley - 115 A-B Stancil - 825 and hardwood floors
4. Mead st - 700 in rent and hardwood floors
1. call: (252) 814-8326
2. https://www.trulia.com/p/nc/greenville/address-not-disclosed-greenville-nc-27858--2172334755
5. Shereton Villiage - Russel
1. 700$
2. by the big walmart

THIS EXCLUDES ALL WAINWRIGHT because they aren't guaranteed to be available

options... pt2 or 3?

okay so...

options; should cory be okay with it: I go sardine it up with jimmie and cory. I put half my stuff in storage, jimmie puts some stuff in storage, and we go halfies.  we all split rent and utilities 3 ways until....

either cory leaves (and i maybe talk jimmie into getting a new place) or...

we all 3 get a place together.

which i'm cool with.

it took me 2.5 hours but i made a new spread sheet and color coded it. I feel like i should be frothing at the mouth.

i need sleep.

I have work in 5 hours.

Bad day

Today started out rough... and got worse. It turned into a really bad bipolar day. 

I almost quit my job. Twice. (Foodlion)

I almost attacked a girl for just doing her job. 

I had to give my lorazepam to Jimmie so that I would stop being tempted... I don’t know if I would have taken all 20mg... but I probably would have taken 2mg of it and had a minor overdose like last time. Anything to make my brain stop. 

But I didn’t. I gave them to him so that I couldn’t. I still kind of want to. 

And that kids is called an unhealthy coping mechanism and is how addictions start. 

I made a rune for stability and drew it on my arm. Kinda helped.

I just feel physically/mentally/and emotionally exhausted.

Whenever people asked what was wrong I would just say I was t feeling well. Which isn’t a lie. I was /am having a flare up from my chronic illness. Fiona stayed dormant so I was left to handle and fight it all on my own.

Today was a bad day.

I want to feel better.

Where I’m at

im at this weird point in my bipolar where I’m not going to take the entirety of my bottle of lorazepam (although the idea is hella appealing and my brain has been repeating the idea for the past 3 days) but I also wouldn’t move if I was about to get hit by a car.

I’m on day 3 of this. I tried to cheer myself up last night by having a spontaneous date night, but that backfired. I thought I had today off from Foodlion, but I didn’t. So here I am at work with no fucks to give and already tired of people asking if I’m okay. No, I’m not. Stop asking. I know you care - that does t make me feel better.

Instead I just tell people I don’t feel well. Which is true - my chronic illness is flaring up.

I want to go back to sleep so I don’t have to deal with anything.

I Won’t actively try to kill my self but I also wouldn’t do anything to prevent it either.
Kinda hope I get hit by a car in the parking lot.
That’s where I’m at.

Can’t stay

Well I can’t stay where I’m at. Hallie wants to live in her own - when u mentioned that I might not be moving out she said “okay I’ll start looking for other places” and there is no way I ca afford this place on my own.

Looks like I’m moving my stuff back to my Mom’s. Whether I go with it or not has yet to be decided