Merciful one... again?

Okay so...

Whatever important event or THING that is coming which will help me move forward in my path, that I also run the risk of overlooking and letting it pass me by... is approaching.

I got a hint if it over a year ago. A few months ago. A few days ago.

And then the merciful ones message today was that a type of death is approaching and I need to meet it with respect and let go of what once was.

What else am I letting go of?
I let go of my romantic relationship with Jimmie.
I let go of my hope of us getting back together any time soon as well as my anxiety of him dating another girl. I still think of him as my future husband and I will not worry myself over what happens in between my time with him. If we have other relationships before getting back together (which we will) then we do. Lessons to learn. Growth to be had.
(I think I almost understand how Aaron must have felt about Dylan now...)

What else must I let go of?
I actually think it might not be in the love area of my life.

But I have no idea what else? I don’t have any big transitions going on in my life...

School? I’m use to school. No big transition there.

Work? I mean Bistro is on its last leg but I already know that.

Spirit? If I have a spiritual change coming up then it’s no wonder I don’t see it coming.

I have no friggin clue what area to pay attention to.
All of these are in my day to day situations (or will be soon)
I am not ashamed to admit that I am oblivious. If there is a chance that I will miss this opportunity because I’m not paying proper attention? Then I will miss it. But if I just had an idea of where it’s coming from, I could better keep my eye open.

Is it a opportunity?
Is it a person?
Is it an event?

I have no idea.

Timeline

I recently got asked about my goals in life.

And we were talking and I realized that...
In an ideal world I would like to be engaged by 25, married by 30, and hopefully a mom by 34.

But life is all unwritten and the ideal hardly ever happens.

Honestly as long as I’m married by 30... and I don’t think I’ll have kids after 35.

Dragon lady

Notes from the convo with dragon lady

- stop indulging immediate happiness for the sake of procuring long term happiness?
- pay attention to day to day things because something is coming (cards also say this) and I have a good chance of missing it if I don’t pay attention. ->???????


And that’s about all I actually got and understood from her.

Also... I am not good at channeling. Makes my head go empty and I am pretty much just a empty space.

Purgatory

It’s a weird feeling giving up on something that you love.
I’m not really giving up... I’m just.. taking a step back.

I’m not waiting.
But i cannot forsee myself ever saying no if he wanted to try again.

I can’t bring myself to delete the photos I have of him.

He’s still my phone back ground.

Hanging out with him is as natural as breathing.

So I have this mixed mentality...
Where I know we aren’t going to get back together, a part of me still hopes for it even if it is years from now, and I have so much love for him.

I hope, maybe in a few years that we can actually come back to each other.

But I’m now also at the point where if we meet other people then... that’s okay too.

The future is not set in stone and no one knows what’s going to happen.
I know that he and I aren’t getting back together.

Anytime soon.

We will be friends, hopefully best friends, moving forward... and just see what life throws at us.

I don’t know how to feel about him.

I think I’ve always been a little in love with him. And I will always be a little in love with him.

I don’t think that will ever fully go away.
So I’m at this cross hairs where I’ve accepted that we may not be a couple again in the foreseeable future and I will eventually be open to having a relationship with someone else... but I still have hope for us.

Not to say that I would enter a relationship and see them as a place filler for him... I wouldn’t do that. If I open my heart to another it will be sincere. I am open to the idea of finding a life partner that isn’t him.
But I also have this stubborn hope.

I feel like I’m in purgatory.

The heart is ducking weird man.

processing

I take time to process things. I process in stages.

Input data. Experience emotion. Process and think through emotion. Make a decision. Move forward.
then repeat.

I thought about how i feel about jimmie.
made the decision that i would wait for him.
moved forward.

Repeat:

Step 1 - Input data: Jimmie and I are not going to get back together.

it was an outcome that i wanted very much to happen, but i can feel in my gut that its just not going to be. I will NOT be closed to us getting back together.. but honestly there is no point in waiting for it.

Step 2 - Experience emotion: bitter fucking sadness.

Step 3 - Process and think through emotion:

I really wanted it to work with him. He showed me what a healthy relationship looked like. What it was like to be with someone who cared and supported and put in the effort to help me heal and grow.
He showed me how good it can be in a relationship.
I thought I was going to marry him.
I designed the ring.
contacted the jeweler.
got the price.

it was ready for me to make the first payment...

I was ready to be with him.

to finally admit and accept that.. that is over?

fucking sucks.

But.

He is still in my life. I havn't lost him the way ive lost all of my other ex's.
Just because the romantic relationship is over doesn't mean i have to lose the connection i have with him. The level of physical intimacy.
We can be friends.  Maybe we can be friends that have sex.
- at least for a time.

While i do not crave the actual act of sex, I have begun to crave the level of openness and comfort that comes with it (when done with a kind and caring partner). Jimmie is safe and he is familiar. I love how open and carefree i feel after being physically intimate with him and i love that feeling of connection. I love that level of closeness with him, because of how much i love him.

There were so many positives from our time together, I would NOT consider our relationship a failure. I was happy with him. I really was. Which makes me sad to see that aspect end.

But I know that with enough time, he will be ready to have a romantic relationship and when that happens I will be happy for him. Perhaps a little nostalgic and sad... but by the time that happens the pain of the current situation will be just a memory.

Step 4 - Make a decision:

For as long as he is willing I want to be friends with benefits with jimmie.
and should he decide that is not what he wants....then I will be friends with jimmie.

I am determined to keep him in my life, in whatever form is most comfortable with him.
Jimmie was my friend before my lover. Then he became my romantic partner.
I... want to keep that intimate connection, even if it isn't romantic in nature.

and if I am wrong and we somehow come back together romantically (years from now) then we do.
But as of right now I know that a romantic reunion is not likely and i tearfully accept it.
I've lost the man i thought would be my husband, but I don't have to lose my closest friend.
and I want to remain as close to him as I can because I love him.
In just a month I could feel my love for him changing. I truly know that this friendship will work.

I just don't want to lose him.

Step 5 - Move forward. 

Waiting

Yes. I am waiting.

I am waiting for him to be ready to be in a relationship again.
I will wait for his mental health struggles to get balanced and settled.
I will wait until he has found a balance between work and school and free time.

I am waiting... but I am not waiting idly.

I have goals of my own to focus on.
I have hobbies I want to redevelop and new ones I want to bring in.
I have my own list of things I want to accomplish.

And they aren’t just petty distractions.
They are thins I want to develop as a part of who I am; I want to grow as a person while he does the same.

So, I lied. I lied every time I told someone “no, I’m not waiting for him. I just have my own things to focus on”.
Every time I said that I was thinking “yes, I’m going to wait for him to get things figured out. AND while I do that I am going to focus on myself”.

So this is my confession.

I will wait until he is ready and able to be in a romantic relationship again.
I am happy to do so, because it gives me time to become a stronger, person.
I will not worry about him falling in love with another girl because I trust him.

I trust him to tell me if a reunion is no longer his desire.
I trust him to tell me if he finds someone else.

Until that time I trust him.
I will no longer devote energy into worry over him,  I will only devote energy into growing my mind, body, and spirit.
When he is able to be with me again, it will be with a more sure, independent, and powerful me.

I am not in a hurry.
I am not rushing him.
I am not idly waiting.

I am actively waiting....
With patience, and a full and trusting heart.

He has time to grow... and I’m using that time to grow myself as well.

6/19/19

It’s been a month.

Mixed feelings.