here is the list of grievances I will add to my final fairwell letter that I will give when I pick up my final paycheck.
- withholding requests until I ask in my “sugar baby voice;” a high pitch whiny/pleading voice.
- endless counts of “I like when you beg” “you look good on your knees”
- endless counts of “you need to be spanked” “you deserve a sparking” “I ought to spank you”
- touching my butt while receiving a hug - twice
- giving me money to buy new bras to service his lingerie fetish - once directly putting the money in my bra
- asking for pictures of said bras he told me to buy
- giving me money to buy “new work pants; preferably a size too small so I can stare at your cute butt”
- isolation behaviors to keep the servers away from me at the bar so he can make his inappropriate comments.
Monday, October 28, 2019
Sunday, October 27, 2019
Natural
So Viking boy met my mom today.
It was so... natural.
We got there almost at 11 and didn’t leave until about 8pm.
I havnt seen my mom click with someone I’ve brought home that much in years.
She almost had a water fight with me... which... is big.
She brought out the childhood photos for a while. They talked about some similar things they both have in their past.
To my surprise she talked more with him than she did me.
I love that they got along so well.
And Smokey freakishly likes him... for now ;)
He has resting bitch face which makes me nervous because I struggle to interpret people’s body language and facial expressions as is (yay cptsd)... but now I’ve gotten comfortable enough that if I can’t tell if he’s upset or not I’ll do something silly - which then he smiles and I know everything is fine. And that’s one thing I love about being around him... I can be as silly and weird as I want.
It’s playful and happy.
And while I suppressed feelings for jimmie long enough that when I was allowed to feel that I fell ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE with him very quickly... things with Viking boy are going slowly... and it bothered me at first because I didn’t have that intense emotional response.
But now it doesn’t. It actually makes me feel like I have more control over the situation and I feel more relaxed. I’m not getting the daydreams and fantasies... but I feel like this could grow to be a much more stable relationship.
I won’t worry about the future when it comes to him... going day by day seems to work and I’ll stick with that. It feels natural that way.
It was so... natural.
We got there almost at 11 and didn’t leave until about 8pm.
I havnt seen my mom click with someone I’ve brought home that much in years.
She almost had a water fight with me... which... is big.
She brought out the childhood photos for a while. They talked about some similar things they both have in their past.
To my surprise she talked more with him than she did me.
I love that they got along so well.
And Smokey freakishly likes him... for now ;)
He has resting bitch face which makes me nervous because I struggle to interpret people’s body language and facial expressions as is (yay cptsd)... but now I’ve gotten comfortable enough that if I can’t tell if he’s upset or not I’ll do something silly - which then he smiles and I know everything is fine. And that’s one thing I love about being around him... I can be as silly and weird as I want.
It’s playful and happy.
And while I suppressed feelings for jimmie long enough that when I was allowed to feel that I fell ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE with him very quickly... things with Viking boy are going slowly... and it bothered me at first because I didn’t have that intense emotional response.
But now it doesn’t. It actually makes me feel like I have more control over the situation and I feel more relaxed. I’m not getting the daydreams and fantasies... but I feel like this could grow to be a much more stable relationship.
I won’t worry about the future when it comes to him... going day by day seems to work and I’ll stick with that. It feels natural that way.
long overdue.
This post has been long overdue.
I am trying to leave my job because my boss sexually harasses me.
There.
I said it.
It all started out as innocent, albeit unprofessional, conversations about kink and bdsm - which came about after explaining that i give lectures and talks about it for the sociology program. Then it grew to discussing personal kinks and basic relationship discussions after work, where he went from being my boss to my friend. Talking about those things did not make me uncomfortable, they were very matter-of-fact and objective. Unprofessional - but acceptable and comfortable. And I realize that because of this, the situation is my fault. I opened up the topic.
Somewhere along the way, many months ago, I jokingly made the comment that if my relationship with Jimmie didn't work out I would consider being a sugar baby. This statement seemed to have triggered a domino effect; what was once unprofessional changed to inappropriate - especially after we broke up. Anytime I asked for something at work, if no servers or guests were around, he would make me ask for it in my "sugar baby voice" - which made me highly uncomfortable. Jokes about my romantic partners needing to spank me, which already caused mild discomfort, grew to jokes about me needing a spanking for almost anything I did while at work - or him spanking me himself which caused extreme discomfort.
However, even that was worth dealing with because the job was so valuable to me. I had dealth with sexual arassment through comments in the workplace in a previous job - I would bite the bullet again for a few more months until the restaurant closed. What pushed me to desire to leave was when he crossed a line. One night after work he gave me money to buy a new bra because he preferred seeing that i wore bras to work because of his lingerie fetish. Unprofessional - but whatever...IF that was all.
What was inappropriate was the fact that he put the money directly into the bra i was wearing. Then he asked for a hug... and he touched my ass. Rubbed it gently before allowing me to leave the hug. Although disturbed I chalked it up to him having too much to drink that night and tried to shake off my intense unease. His comments continued after that and I hoped nothing more would ensue... however after kindly offering to let me have my therapy session at the restaurant so that he could be there in case I had a panic attack, he crossed the line again. When I told him that the session went well and that I was totally fine, I gave him a small hug to say "thank you for being willing to be there for me". I was still in an emotionally raw state, even if it was positive, and wasn't thinking clearly.
He touched my ass again. Patted it. However it was with enough force to make me remember all the comments he made about spanking me and I wanted to run away as fast as I could. So I pretty much did. Not long after that I came to work wearing the loosest of my work pants - pants that I had been wearing for the past several months. He was in a fine mood until I refused to tell him details about my sex life with my new partner - then he grew cross and told me my pants were not fit to wear to work and that I knew better. He was in an ill temper with everyone that night and he crossed another line. He gave me money and told me to buy a pair of new work pants "preferably a size too small so I can look at your cute butt" and another new bra. He also said he wanted pictures.
I was highly distressed. I felt like I couldn't say no and I repressed panic. I felt weak and by taking the money I felt dirty - like I was selling myself. I was so distressed that when I went home that night and I finally broke down and told someone that I couldn't stop crying. I went to leave, to be with a friend who was going to comfort me, but was crying too hard to see properly and I slipped.
I fell down, my foot and ankle caught in the stairs, and landed fully extended on the cement knee first.
I ended up with a sprained ankle and knee. I used the money he gave me to buy braces for them and to repay my friends for taking me to the ER.
He also has engaged in mild isolating manipulation. He intentionally tried to isolate me from my coworkers by refusing to let me help them with side work and setting up - saying that "at game night you can be buddy-buddy but here you have to be the bitch". This caused tension between the servers and me.
For all of this... I no longer feel comfortable working there. I want out. He gave me an opportunity to speak up, asking me:
"Am I mean to you? Do I not treat you well?"
I wanted to be honest. I wanted to say that he made me uncomfortable all of the time and that he crossed a line. But I was worried, with his already foul mood, that it would cost me my job. Instead I told a truth.
"You are not mean to me, you look out for me," which was not a lie. He actively scheduled me for nights he knew I would make money. He and the chef had given me money for groceries when things were tight financially. He constantly inquired about my mental health. He even payed for some of my sessions ($10 in cash which I used for gas money since the payment plan for my sessions hadn't been set up yet).
But I wanted to cry. To scream. To throw all o f the shitty and inappropriate comments in his face. Instead I bit my tongue.
But I want to leave. I dread going to work. I dread the nights where he does't hide in his office the entire time... I dread the thought of him staying at the bar the entire time.
He has even started making comments to the servers that he hates it when significant others come to the bar and sit there all night to visit because its "distracting" - and yet he was totally fine if the SO was female because as he made it clear to me he has a wlw fetish. But since everyone working that night had male partners he suddenly had issues with it - ( I had earlier joked about viking boy coming to visit me).
What once was a job that served as a haven away from my stressful life, one I enjoyed with a boss I respected....has turned into yet another place I need a haven away from. It breaks my heart because I love that place and the chef and my coworkers. But I need to leave.
I am trying to leave my job because my boss sexually harasses me.
There.
I said it.
It all started out as innocent, albeit unprofessional, conversations about kink and bdsm - which came about after explaining that i give lectures and talks about it for the sociology program. Then it grew to discussing personal kinks and basic relationship discussions after work, where he went from being my boss to my friend. Talking about those things did not make me uncomfortable, they were very matter-of-fact and objective. Unprofessional - but acceptable and comfortable. And I realize that because of this, the situation is my fault. I opened up the topic.
Somewhere along the way, many months ago, I jokingly made the comment that if my relationship with Jimmie didn't work out I would consider being a sugar baby. This statement seemed to have triggered a domino effect; what was once unprofessional changed to inappropriate - especially after we broke up. Anytime I asked for something at work, if no servers or guests were around, he would make me ask for it in my "sugar baby voice" - which made me highly uncomfortable. Jokes about my romantic partners needing to spank me, which already caused mild discomfort, grew to jokes about me needing a spanking for almost anything I did while at work - or him spanking me himself which caused extreme discomfort.
However, even that was worth dealing with because the job was so valuable to me. I had dealth with sexual arassment through comments in the workplace in a previous job - I would bite the bullet again for a few more months until the restaurant closed. What pushed me to desire to leave was when he crossed a line. One night after work he gave me money to buy a new bra because he preferred seeing that i wore bras to work because of his lingerie fetish. Unprofessional - but whatever...IF that was all.
What was inappropriate was the fact that he put the money directly into the bra i was wearing. Then he asked for a hug... and he touched my ass. Rubbed it gently before allowing me to leave the hug. Although disturbed I chalked it up to him having too much to drink that night and tried to shake off my intense unease. His comments continued after that and I hoped nothing more would ensue... however after kindly offering to let me have my therapy session at the restaurant so that he could be there in case I had a panic attack, he crossed the line again. When I told him that the session went well and that I was totally fine, I gave him a small hug to say "thank you for being willing to be there for me". I was still in an emotionally raw state, even if it was positive, and wasn't thinking clearly.
He touched my ass again. Patted it. However it was with enough force to make me remember all the comments he made about spanking me and I wanted to run away as fast as I could. So I pretty much did. Not long after that I came to work wearing the loosest of my work pants - pants that I had been wearing for the past several months. He was in a fine mood until I refused to tell him details about my sex life with my new partner - then he grew cross and told me my pants were not fit to wear to work and that I knew better. He was in an ill temper with everyone that night and he crossed another line. He gave me money and told me to buy a pair of new work pants "preferably a size too small so I can look at your cute butt" and another new bra. He also said he wanted pictures.
I was highly distressed. I felt like I couldn't say no and I repressed panic. I felt weak and by taking the money I felt dirty - like I was selling myself. I was so distressed that when I went home that night and I finally broke down and told someone that I couldn't stop crying. I went to leave, to be with a friend who was going to comfort me, but was crying too hard to see properly and I slipped.
I fell down, my foot and ankle caught in the stairs, and landed fully extended on the cement knee first.
I ended up with a sprained ankle and knee. I used the money he gave me to buy braces for them and to repay my friends for taking me to the ER.
He also has engaged in mild isolating manipulation. He intentionally tried to isolate me from my coworkers by refusing to let me help them with side work and setting up - saying that "at game night you can be buddy-buddy but here you have to be the bitch". This caused tension between the servers and me.
For all of this... I no longer feel comfortable working there. I want out. He gave me an opportunity to speak up, asking me:
"Am I mean to you? Do I not treat you well?"
I wanted to be honest. I wanted to say that he made me uncomfortable all of the time and that he crossed a line. But I was worried, with his already foul mood, that it would cost me my job. Instead I told a truth.
"You are not mean to me, you look out for me," which was not a lie. He actively scheduled me for nights he knew I would make money. He and the chef had given me money for groceries when things were tight financially. He constantly inquired about my mental health. He even payed for some of my sessions ($10 in cash which I used for gas money since the payment plan for my sessions hadn't been set up yet).
But I wanted to cry. To scream. To throw all o f the shitty and inappropriate comments in his face. Instead I bit my tongue.
But I want to leave. I dread going to work. I dread the nights where he does't hide in his office the entire time... I dread the thought of him staying at the bar the entire time.
He has even started making comments to the servers that he hates it when significant others come to the bar and sit there all night to visit because its "distracting" - and yet he was totally fine if the SO was female because as he made it clear to me he has a wlw fetish. But since everyone working that night had male partners he suddenly had issues with it - ( I had earlier joked about viking boy coming to visit me).
What once was a job that served as a haven away from my stressful life, one I enjoyed with a boss I respected....has turned into yet another place I need a haven away from. It breaks my heart because I love that place and the chef and my coworkers. But I need to leave.
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Hm.
Viking boy is growing on me.
Sad to think my emotional attachment depends on my mental bipolar state.
I was already suspicious that my nonchalance was due to my depressive episode but as I’m slowly coming out of it I find myself more and more warm to him.
There is def room for improvement as we continue to learn each other but while I fell asleep away from him holding Smokey, I woke up curled up in his arms.
And it’s so easy to just be silly and relaxed with him.
I love that I can just be a goofball and he thinks it’s cute.
Sad to think my emotional attachment depends on my mental bipolar state.
I was already suspicious that my nonchalance was due to my depressive episode but as I’m slowly coming out of it I find myself more and more warm to him.
There is def room for improvement as we continue to learn each other but while I fell asleep away from him holding Smokey, I woke up curled up in his arms.
And it’s so easy to just be silly and relaxed with him.
I love that I can just be a goofball and he thinks it’s cute.
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Suicidal ideation post
Reasons why I’m fantasizing about refilling my lorazepam prescription, drawing a hot bubble bath, and taking the whole bottle:
- I’m being sexually harassed at work. What use to be my haven from everything has become what I need an escape from.
- I’m stressed about money. All the time. Always.
- My best friend isn’t talking to me and I don’t know why.
- I’m still in love with Jimmie, and as long as I don’t think about it or him I’m okay but every time I do I want to collapse in tears.
- I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to drink.
- I’m always hungry and thirsty.
- I’ve got this great guy who seems to have been sent to me from the gods who ha this almost child like adoration for me... and I can’t filly open myself to him because of ^^^. I feel ungrateful. Guilty. It took him 2 times seeing me for him to know he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He seems innocent and sincere when it comes to me. I feel ashamed.
- I’m going to school for something I have no interest or passion for. Doing the homework makes me want to scream.
- I have no real goals or dreams for the future.
- The one thing in life I’ve always wanted was love... and I can’t have it. While it is there, it is out of my reach leaving me cold and miserable. I turn away so I can’t see it and I feel it’s absence. I look and try to be around it and it hurts me more than I can put into words.
- Self anger and resentment about my abusive relationships. I am weak. Which is also why I won’t kill myself.
Things I have to live for
- my cats; although others can easily take them in and care for them
- my mom; she would be a mess if I died. My sisters (and friends) would miss me, sure, but my mom would be wrecked.
- Aaron; id leave him in a hard spot come July.
- Lauren; she doesn’t have many in her support system-I don’t want to break it even further.
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Bad day
Woke up today and instantly knew I was in a depressive phase.
I didn’t want to get out of bed.
I wanted to cancel every plan I had made for this week.
I made myself cook but can’t make myself eat it.
I don’t want to be here.
I have no motivation to do my school work.
I don’t want to be alone but all my friends are busy and I have no one to haunt.
I feel lethargic.
Apathetic.
I felt it yesterday but it wasn’t full force... it is today.
I don’t want to stay cooped up in my room but my knee hurts too much to go for a walk. My laptop won’t charge downstairs for some reason. I don’t have enough money to run errands.
Fuck.
I didn’t want to get out of bed.
I wanted to cancel every plan I had made for this week.
I made myself cook but can’t make myself eat it.
I don’t want to be here.
I have no motivation to do my school work.
I don’t want to be alone but all my friends are busy and I have no one to haunt.
I feel lethargic.
Apathetic.
I felt it yesterday but it wasn’t full force... it is today.
I don’t want to stay cooped up in my room but my knee hurts too much to go for a walk. My laptop won’t charge downstairs for some reason. I don’t have enough money to run errands.
Fuck.
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
Stuck part 2: Hung up
So... things with Viking boy are going well. He’s met most of my friends who give their approval.
He meets my mom on Sunday.
I’ve met his grandparents.
He’s charming, and cute, and he likes similar music. He’s a father who obviously loves his son and niece. He’s fun. He’s great. I was so gung-ho about him...
What is wrong with me? It’s like I plateaued.
I keep comparing things to jimmie... things I miss that he use to do in the relationship. Granted I havnt given Viking boy much time to emerge patterns and such that might sweep me off my feet.
But I miss jimmie. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.
I like Viking boy. But I’m still hung up on my ex... and I think it’s preventing me from really opening up my heart to him.... mainly because someone else still has it.
I feel like I’m being unfair. Viking boy makes me smile and laugh. Makes me happy. I just need more time... he’s already introducing me as his girlfriend which... doesn’t bother me to be honest because I don’t really do dating without the labels. Sure it moved fast but it’s not like I was talking to anyone else really nor do I want to.
VB is great... but I’m still stuck.
I’m just not sad like before.
He meets my mom on Sunday.
I’ve met his grandparents.
He’s charming, and cute, and he likes similar music. He’s a father who obviously loves his son and niece. He’s fun. He’s great. I was so gung-ho about him...
What is wrong with me? It’s like I plateaued.
I keep comparing things to jimmie... things I miss that he use to do in the relationship. Granted I havnt given Viking boy much time to emerge patterns and such that might sweep me off my feet.
But I miss jimmie. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.
I like Viking boy. But I’m still hung up on my ex... and I think it’s preventing me from really opening up my heart to him.... mainly because someone else still has it.
I feel like I’m being unfair. Viking boy makes me smile and laugh. Makes me happy. I just need more time... he’s already introducing me as his girlfriend which... doesn’t bother me to be honest because I don’t really do dating without the labels. Sure it moved fast but it’s not like I was talking to anyone else really nor do I want to.
VB is great... but I’m still stuck.
I’m just not sad like before.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)