Selkie

 I take my messages from the Fae. 

and there's 2 lessons (at least) you can learn from a Selkie:

1) Don't let someone who claims to love you be mean to you. 3 strikes and their gone. 

2) Don't feel forced to fill any particular role or wear any particular hat/mask. Embrace your authenticity. Step out of who are you as *insert role for other people* and be free. 

Evan is about to learn that the hard way. 

We reconciled and decided to pick up where we left off. He does have things I really like and look for.. but he has a fucking mean streak. Not subtly abusive.. just... not nice. 

He doesn't believe in tipping well.  - this may not be a big thing to others but this is a borderline deal breaker for me. 

And then in regards to me.. 

1) He doesn't compliment me. I know its because he thinks I would be more attractive if I lost weight... but still. I can count on one hand the number of compliments I've gotten (honestly I think its either 2 or 3). I don't want to be smothered in compliments... that's a turn off. but when I am feeling cute and OBVIOUSLY showing off and preening for a compliment...compliment me godsdamnit.  "Nice Drip" barley counts. I compliment him all the time and he loves it. I've spoken to him and he knows I like compliments. 

2) He's mean about my slight OCD. I have to have things even. If you kiss on cheek, I need the other one kissed. If you do something to one hand, I need it done to the other. Last time I saw him he bit my shoulder and my neck playfully but with some force (awesome). But then when I showed the other side he backed off and made a joke about it. Sure. I get it. saying no at first to see me squirm can be fun. But after a minute its uncomfortable. 

It bothered me the WHOLE time I was there. to the point where when we were cuddling I brought it up and asked him to fix it and make it even... he said no. He wasn't going to feed into it. I had asked slightly playful, trying not to make it awkward. I waited a few minutes. Then I asked him more seriously to do it. He just went "hmmm" and didn't respond. Basically ignoring me. That's when I got upset. As soon as the movie finished I pretty much jumped away from him and got ready to leave. He could tell I was actually unhappy so when I hugged him goodbye he *finally*  bit the other side. 

However, he even acknowledged in that moment that he bit one side hard enough to leave a mark that was still visible. Him making it even? His teeth barley grazed me. It was still fucking uneven. It bothered me all the way home and I had to seriously distract myself to I could get to sleep because my body FELT UNEVEN. 

Was it something super bad? no. Was it mean? yes. 

Thats two. 

He has one more instance of being mean and I'm cutting him loose. 

and a new deal breaker will emerge. 

I won't date atheists... and moving forward I won't date sadists. 

But I also won't commit to Jazz and Isaac wholly either. 

I will once again let myself be bound to no one, I will just let myself be free. 

Listen to the Selkie. 

camping out

 Well we are under a tornado warning, the sirens have gone off twice so far (my boss says that never happens) so me and the babies are camping out in the basement. 

Update; in the span of 3 days I applied for a job, interviewed, and got an offer. Then I had a come to Jesus talk with big boss jack. I am now staying, got a small raise (roughly a dollar), and he had a talk with my direct manager to get her to ease off of me a bit. 

Pretty much said the write up was more so to cover their rear ends in case I mess up too bad and for me to put it out of my head. So I will. 

I would prefer to stay at this job, I really would. All the way through school. 

I hope that really happens. 

changing jobs

So it is becoming abundantly clear that I will need to find another job. The work life balance preached here is so back and forth.... I do't check emails over the weekend and my boss says thats a problem. I do check emails over the weekend and thats a problem. 

but I have ADHD. My brain moves super fast. That means I will occasioanlly mis read an email... or have to make a double trip because I didn't realize i needed two of something instead of one. 

But I got written up over it. "failure to communicate up to standards" and whatever else they put on the paper that I didn't get to read. 

$0 rent --> use student load to pay off starting august (can start new job in september/october)

$55 internet 

$100 utilities -- I will pay for electric only but idk what that will look like. 

$400 personal loan 

$400 credit ($200, $200, $50)

$70 Joint membership 

$235 car payment

$90 car insurance 

$15 renters insurance

$376 health insurance

$117 student loans 

$70 pets

$25 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space,7 peacock)

$80 gas 

$50 savings 

$75 Roth IRA

$300 Groceries

$50 - liquidatable investiments

$100 - misc

----------------------------

2518/x = 80/100

31475.5 before taxes x 12 = 37,770

so 39K a year minimum for a new job. So about 20 an hour. 

But that would't be doable until I got my refund in September. 

$1095 rent --> until sept. oct?

$55 internet 

$80 utilities -- I will pay for electric only but idk what that will look like. 

$270 personal loan 

$150 credit ($80, 30, 40)

$70 Joint membership 

$235 car payment

$90 car insurance 

$15 renters insurance

$320 health insurance (change in jobs would lower it?)

$100 student loans (change in jobs would lower it?)

$70 pets

$25 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space,7 peacock)

$80 gas 

$50 savings 

$75 Roth IRA

$200 Groceries

$50 - liquidatable investiments

$100 - misc

-------------------------------------------------

3050 x 80/100 = 

3812.5 x 12 = 45,750 = 46K minimum. 

I need to look for something that has less moving parts or requires less "critical thinking" since aparently thats where I'm fucking up.... so looks like going back to customer service. 

In the event that I have to take on an even lower paying job...

$0 rent --> use student load to pay off starting august (can start new job in august)

$55 internet 

$100 utilities -- I will pay for electric only but idk what that will look like. 

$270 personal loan 

$400 credit ($200, $200, $50)

$70 Joint membership 

$235 car payment

$90 car insurance 

$15 renters insurance

$320 health insurance

$100 student loans 

$70 pets

$25 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space,7 peacock)

$80 gas 

$50 savings 

$75 Roth IRA

$200 Groceries

$50 - liquidatable investiments

$100 - misc

--------------------------------------------

2305 x 80/100 = 2881.25 

2900 x 12 = 34,800 = 35K or 17 an hour. 

but that would be in october...

Can I make it that long?

 

bruh wtf

 My boss has been a great landlord. He really helpe dme out by not making me pay a deposit when I moved. I was in a month to month lease - just had to give 60 days notice. 

I gave more than 60 days notice. 

I am fully moved out June 10th. 

He's making me pay a full month's rent for June. Only if someone moves in by the 15th will he refund me for the second hald of the month.... HOW IS THAT LEGAL????????

Like what the fuck?????

I will now have to pay two whole fucking months rent PLUS a full month's rent as a deposit in June. 

$1250 - June rent to my boss

$2082.50 - move in costs 

$45 gas for the move; I will be making so many trips at 32 miles round trip that it will be about a tank

----------------

$3377.5

BRUH. 

I have the move in costs in my savings but this will completley liquidate it. I was counting on only having to pay 10 days worth of rent to my boss. 

What the actual FUCK. 

What is this?

 I need to identify this emotion. 

It’s not frustration 

It’s not disappointment 

It’s not sad 

It’s not angry 

It similar to all of them. 

It’s sits in my rubs and burns up into my chest or down into my stomach.

Makes me feel lethargic. 

It’s not depression or grief - those are colder emotions. 

This is a hot emotion. 

It’s not anxiety although that may be the closest? 

I can tell that I’m feeling reclusive. I’m agitated and lonely and agitated that I’m lonely and agitated at the idea of being around people. 

I want to be alone. I’m mad but I’m not mad. 

I’m just filled with this emotion and it makes me want to lay down and do nothing or scream or go numb. 

I’m definitely headed into a depressive episode. 

Fucking asshole. 

Withdrawl

 I can recognize that I'm feeling withrawl symptoms from the consistent nuerotransmitters I was getting over the past month from gamer boy. 

Its the feelings of withdrawl that make me freaking stupid and want to reconnect. (He has no way of contacting me, but I could easily meet up with him if I wanted to, since it was me that always went to his place or met him at the gym)

I need to find otherways of getting the brain chemical hits that I am craving because my initial addiction is rearing its ugly head (downer pills). I need to be very freaking careful because last night I took 2 of my anxiety pills (to counter the adhd med induced insomnia) and the pleasure I felt when they hit.. reminded me why i'm a fucking addict in the first place. 

so lets look at the culptrits in question:

"Love" (oxytocin) + "pleasure" (dopamine) + "happiness" (serotonin)

Non drug or dating related ways of getting them:

• Oxytocin
• Listening to music and singing
• Cuddling with friends
• Petting and cuddling animals
• Exercise can release it
• Charity work/helping others
• Social activity
• Dopamine
• Sleep
• Singing
• exercise - dopamine seesaw eefect - also protects dopamine receptors
• eating protien
• Gut health = probiotics
• Serotonin
• Eating specific foods like: eggs, pineapples, poultry, oatmeal, chocolate
• exercise 
• GI tract health  = probiotics
• at least 15 minutes of sunlight
• sleep
• Social Activity 

Okay so going that actually explains why people go to the gym when depressed/break up  - scientifically it provides all the same brian chemicals as being in love & addiction. 

• Gym/mandatory walks/mandatory dancing
• Actually fucking sleeping
• Singing. I need to sing. Make myself sing in the car, in the shower, etc. 
• Make myself be social. 

bye bye gamer boy

 Well that was nice while it lasted. 

His toxic trait, which he swore he never engaged, came out to play about my biggest insecurity: my weight. AFTER I told him it was an insecurity of mine. 

He wanted to see pictures of the goth makeup I use to do so I sent him photos; but this was from YEARS ago, from before my thyroid said fuck you. So I was noticably skinner. He kept comparing me to back then, saying I looked like a totally different person. Then proceeded to start unsolicited gym advice on losing weight to try to get back to thar size. 

So I sent this:

"Weight has always been an issue for me. Back when I was that skinny I *wanted* to gain weight but couldn’t because I had an insane metabolism. I hated how skinny I was. Then because of BC my thyroid basically gave me the middle finger and I gain a lot of weight very quickly. Suddenly I hated how “fat” I was - in retrospect I really wasn’t that bad. But I got asked almost daily if I was pregnant because of how quickly I gained the weight. that obliterated my self image. 

Once I got that regulated I was able to drop the weight a bit but stayed in the 130-140 range, with it fluctuation by about 10 pounds off and on. Then I got hurt and stopped being active, gained more weight again. (160’s) 

Then after a while I started burlesque dancing as a way to help myself love my body instead of hating and punishing it. Through that I was able to realize that I was beautiful, even if I did jiggle a little. Most people in fact loved it. When I wasn’t performing I was working as stage crew for shows and was constantly moving; and that’s how I spent most weekends for about 2 years. 

The number didn’t change; I still stayed in the 160’s but I gained more muscle and slimmed down. During slower months I got a little softer; busier months it slimmed again. 

Then I moved here and I’m still consistently in the lower 160’s but I’m soft from basically hibernating all winter. once I start moving consistently again, the number will again probably stay the same but I’ll slim down. 

I  wouldn’t mind slimming down, but I know my body does that  naturally. it fluctuates like crazy but it’s all contingent on how active I am. I have forced myself not to look at the number and focus instead on how my body carries it. 

I don’t ever want to be as small as I was. I look back at those photos and 8/10 times I cringe at how thin I was. every now and then, when I’m feeling bad about my current body I’ll feel wistful but overall I do not ever want to be that tiny. 

I totally understand if that’s a turn off for you though."

His response:

"Full disclosure I think you were more attractive in your older photos since were on the subject, which I’m sure isn’t easy to hear. I don’t expect you to change your entire lifestyle for me or anything, nor do I expect you to change anything really. These are just the standards I set myself by. I definitely find fitness and healthy, consistent habits very attractive. Having that drive to make yourself be better for yourself is beyond attractive. It’s not all about looks, but we’re on the subject now so here’s my honest thoughts on it."

My response:

"There's a few ways I could respond to this, I'm trying to decide which way to go - regardless, tthat could have been worded with more tact and was uneccesarily mean. 

1) I said this was an insecurity of mine. 

2) you already said you prefer petite women. I'm not stupid. I can infer that you prefer me when I looked like a skeleton. 

So please tell me why you felt the need to open and close with that? What was the purpose other than to intentionally hurt my feelings (which you aknowledge "I'm sure isn't easy to hear")? Because that whole response you gave? Your toxic trait is showing. 

And if you want to talk about healthy consistent habits that promote growth and bettering yourself? Those skinny pictures of me were from when I was at my most unhealthy. I was drinking, suicidal, addicted to drugs, and in an abusive relationship with no backbone and no self esteem. The other two photos I had the exact same body I have now. And compared to all of those photos in terms of habits? I am considerably more healthy now than any of those times. 

There are ways of making onself better for the sake of growth that do not revolve around fitness. I'm not trying to sell myself to youbut I also won't down play how mcu I activley work on myself constantly. I work towards my career goals, my spiritual goals, my mental health, and although my physical health comes last, I am still working on that as well."

----------

I will say I was a coward and as soon as I saw he had read it and was typing a response I deleted him. I honestly didn't want to see what justifation he had - I more so wanted to point out how he was disrespectful and point out how narrow his views were. 

For the record: my weight is not unhealthy. I am just below the national average. I am beautiful. I am so beautiful in fact that people pay me money to see me and my body. So he can go kick rocks. 

I put up with rude comments like that (and worse) for about 5 years between Jimmie and Dalton/Viking man. I was not about to tolerate it from some new guy. He had balls of brass. 

I will miss the sex though. He was also a top notch cuddler.