Financial aid thoughts

3362.50 in financial aid
2087.47 in financial liabilities.....


My car loan is now at 2,250.
My credit card is now 1397

my savings is at 700.

Pay 1000 to the car loan... makes that 1,250.
Pay 1000 to the credit card... makes that 397.

1362 left so let’s boost the savings back up to 1000...

That gives me 1000 left to add to my checking account.


Then I get to pay taxes and buy textbooks. Yay.

But first?

I NEES THE FUCKING REFUND TO HIT MY ACCOUNT

Happy

im happy. I think he’s happy.  We’re happy.

I adore him.

He’s so silly, put weirdness just matches.

Everyday is just fun and an adventure..

Today we run errands and I bet you it’s going to be a blast.

I feel sick

I feel sick. My body feels heavy like it’s made of lead, but I also feel hollow. I want to cry but I can’t. I want to scream but I can’t. I don’t have the energy to move out of bed and yet I can’t fall asleep.

I want to talk to Jimmie. I want to shake him. I want to hug him. I want to make him feel what I feel, but I can’t. I can’t even really put how I feel into words.

I haven’t eaten much today, 4 pieces of sushi, 4 chicken bites, a bowl of ramen and a bowl of miso soup. I have only had  3 glasses of tea to drink. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. My body has had enough and I feel sick. Feverish. My head hurts and all I want is comfort.

Sleep. Actually I’ll take sleep over anything else right now.

stupid mistake

i've fought with Jimmie. talked with Ayla. broken empty bottles and bludgeoned two defenseless packing boxes.

i have felt a roller coaster of emotions today. Betrayal. Intense anger. Regret. Sorrow. Fear. Irritation. Protectiveness.

now i'm just weary.

or am I numb?

Ive listened to people tell me how this entire situation is fucked up. How manipulative Jimmie has been. How hes a liar. A Coward. Selfish. How he treated us like chess pieces. objects. How both Ayla and I deserve better. I have debated leaving him and staying and leaving and staying...

and according to mike i'm about to make a big fucking stupid mistake.

Because as upset as i am with him, as angry as i have gotten, as hurt...

i still don't want to leave him.

however i am going to confront him about a few things.

• if its so easy for him to lie to her like that, several times, what prevents him from lying to me?
• As cruel as how he went about doing this.. Maggie says that he loves me and wants her, what he did was definitely wrong, but in a grey way because he did it for the right reason. I don't know if i agree with her
• the fact that he used me in a lie in such a way another person was hurt unnecessarily from it.    I. am. not. a. scapegoat.
• the fact that he was still trying to think of a way to keep us both despite the fact that i said i wasn't okay with it. It makes me think like he doesn't actually care or respect how i feel...

essentially.... how can i trust him and how can i be with him if he doesn't respect me. 

then there is the fact that i have to wonder.... will he even be content or satisfied with just me? Am i enough?

how he answers these questions will determine if i go to bed single or not. 

FUCK THIS

So I wake up this morning from nightmares. I know what them stem from. My anxiety over possibly losing my job at Foodlion and over the fact that Jimmie has t broken up with Ayla yet. On top f that none of my alarms went off and I was running late, when I see... Ayla texted me.


She said:  I’m hella sleep deprived and way to emotional to be messaging you this but Lisa. It has been a week. If you are not going to talk to jimmie I need you to talk to me. Remember this started as communication and I need to know what you are thinking because Jesus this is just stressful and straining to all of us. And it’s break time! Like I understand that emotions are not easy or soft for you but you should have talked to me about this before it was this bad. Drunk ayla can respect clear boundaries, and I’m sorry that it upset you but this is stressing all of us the fuck out.



Fuck this.

Jimmie wanted till the end f the week,  he had it. Now I’m acting. I have censored and not posted on my blog ALL WEEK because he asked me not to, in case Ayla read it. I had to block her from my Snapchat so that I could post about us seeing starwars because he didn’t want her to know.

Was that his grand fucking pan? Just say that I was giving the cold shoulder and he didn’t know what to do or how to act because I wasn’t talking? I didn’t know how he was managing to draw it out so long, she’s not stupid, I figured she had to have known it was coming... but no. He just kept her anxiously in the dark. That asshole. That poor girl.

I’m going to tell her everything. She deserves to know.

She deserves to know that Monday night everything was decided.

He chose me. Before I even started talking to him. I didn’t ask him to chose. I didn’t tell him I was going to leave. He just chose.

She deserves to know that I have been with Jimmie every day this week.
She deserves to know that he was keeping this from her.
She deserves the fucking truth.

I’m going to tell her my perspective from that night.
Explain why it hurt me so badly.

And goddamn it!!!

I am so pissed.

I should have just trusted my instincts and talked to her myself... but no. Jimmie wanted to do it at the end of the week. Week has passed and he didn’t do it.

So now I am.

And then after I have my conversation with her, he and I wil have one.

Fuck this. Fuck all f this.

And she needs to wake the fuck up and read the goddamned messages so that all of the air will be cleared.


I am so fucking pissed that she thinks I would be so petty as to be silent for a week over something like that. Of coarse I would talk about it as soon as I fucking calmed down.

Ugh. AND I HAVE SIX DAYS OF PENT UP EMOTIONAL ENWRGY OVER BLOGS I HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO WRITE AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A VOLCANO THAT NEEDS TO ERUPT ONLY I CANT.

Catch 22

I’m in a catch 22 situation. Or should I say Jimmie is?

The only way to ensure that Jimmie doesn’t have to chose one girl over the other is for me to leave him. Gods the thought of that makes me want to puke.

But this opened up a can of worms that cannot be closed again.
And he has the potential not not only hurt me, but destroy me. I’m talking about the same level Jake  did. Remember that? Took me over 2 years to recover.

My brain is telling me to protect myself. How? Leave before he can do it.

But that’s going to hurt. So bad. Both me and him. At least Ayla could comfort him.

On the other hand...

I tell him this. And he either agrees and I leave... or he breaks up with Ayla. This would hurt her, and hurting her would hurt him on top of the pain of losing her would cause. Causing him so much pain is going to hurt me. Plus he could grow to resent me for it. I don’t want that.


So either way both of us are going to hurt. It’s just a matter of who’s going to end up hurting more...

And I just feel guilty. And scared.

My chest hurts. But I can’t be a coward... I have to do it tonight. I will stress about it until I work myself into a frenzie.

Oh gods this is going to hurt.

Catch 22.

Guilty

I feel guilty about being upset with Jimmie.

I keep going back and forth between being mad at him and feeling guilty about being mad. I couldn’t look at him this morning because I was hurt and I didn’t want him to really see how hurt I was. I didn’t want to look at him because I was mad at him. And I didn’t want to look at him because I could see how bad he felt.

I snapped him from the hotel and wish I hadnt. He snapped back and his face looks the exact same. It’s his eyes. You know the look a puppy has when you spark it for doing wrong as it knows it’s been bad but it still wants to love you even after you smack it for shutting on the floor? Yeah. He has that look. He looks like a puppy I’ve kicked. He’s in pain because of me.

Mind you. I’m in pain too.

But I hate this feeling. I hate being mad at him and I hate that I’m hurting. I’m not going to make him choose. I refuse to be that person. It would hurt him to have to give her up when he has feelings for her and it would hurt him to hurt her.

But I’m not okay. Last night just made it too obvious to me just how much I’m not okay with what’s going on. I was doing a passing job of keeping things handled and closed up inside... but last night opened the can of worms and I can’t get them back in.

I honestly don’t know what to do. And I need to figure it out. Because I don’t think I can be around him while I’m feeling like this and I already miss him. I missed him as soon as I drove away this morning.

My heart hurts. I’ve caused so much drama and problems and now someone is going to end up really hurt. And it’s my fault.


I knew I would fuck this up and now I have.


But I don’t want to walk away.
Gods above what do I do.

over reacting

we had "group night" last night. Or i guess i should say tonight since i havn't actually slept.

unlike the last two, i didnt drug myself this time. kind of wish i had.

we went to biggus's and played this new board game and it was fun. then when the game was over and it was time for us all to soak in the hot tub i didn't have the distraction of the game to keep away my feelings of discomfort. So as per usual i grew kind of distant.

we all soak for a few hours, make small talk, and i go inside because its 5 am and i have to get up at 12. i'm lightly dozing when Jimmie comes in. He was getting cigarettes but decided to check on me. We talk and he says sweet things... then pretty much calls me out on not being comfortable with the poly situation. I agree but tell him i don;t plan to make him choose. then he says more sweet things and goes back outside.

a little bit of time passes and they all come inside. Jimmie and Biggus talk about how he's afraid of hurting both me and Ayla and Biggus told him it was inevitable. damn fucking right. When Ayla comes in Biggus proceeds to coach her in how to be dominant with Jimmie... I could hear everything although i tried to muffle it out. So i leave the room.

Now i'm crying. It sounded like they were practically having sex, although i know they weren't outright. I barricade myself in the bathroom upstairs because i knew i didn't have anywhere else to go. Of coarse jimmie fucking follows me and stays outside the door. He tries to talk to me, i try to muffle my crying. " I didn't even really want what she was doing."

bullshit. Judging by the sounds he was making and his comments to biggus, thats bullshit.

I reached out to everyone i could think of to see if someone could come pick me up. but no.

so Jimmie drives me back to my car. He sits in the car with me while my windshield defrosts talking about how sorry he is, and how he didn't mean to hurt me. Swears that all they were doing was making out. Right. If thats the case then I still don't fucking appreciate them doing it while i'm "sleeping" four feet away. but my emotional response is over reacting.

Jimmie kept asking me what i wanted. What the hell did he expect me to say? I told hi i wouldn't make him choose her or me. I'm sticking by that.

Am i hurt? its irrational but yes.

Am i uncomfortable? yes.

will i be doing any more "group nights"? doubtful.

now i'm in bed, with Sweetpea hovering and Bia on my chest.

I was fine as long as I did't think about the two of them being together... doesn't really bother me that much if i don't think about it. Kinda hard not to think about it when its happening a few feet from you.

fuck you biggus for instigating and egging it on while i was there.

and i don't know what the fuck you were talking about when you said "and if that one wants to do things with that one?...." but that was never going to happen and you don't know what the fuck you are talking about.

as for whhy i'm so hurt?.... Jimmie was being submissive to ayla. Ayla is a sub... Jimmie was submissive to me only a night or so ago. saying "only for you"...

bullshit.

i've been awake for 24 hours. had almost no food. i'm emotional and at best going to maybe ger 3 hours of sleep before i meet maggie for mertyle beach.

i want to fucking forget this night happened.

plans for the future.....relationships

so. I'm thinking about taking another romantic partner.... having a boyfriend and if she's willing, a girlfriend. I think it would help my jealousy issue if i had a partner i didn't have to share. I think it would help my relationship with Ayla via my jealousy going down so our friendship would actually begin to work out.

because honestly, she's jimmie's other partner and as things stand now thats all she is to me. She's someone i get along with but i wouldn't call her a friend yet. There is no romantic attraction present, so theres really no point in trying to date her - although i have promised to take her out on  a date and i think it would be fun for us to have another girls night.


ayla would maybe be staying over at Jimmie's tuesday, thursday, and sunday nights (plus saturday which is group night) which means i would really only get to be with him monday and wednesday and friday night. which is fine.. i would still see him at work every other night.

however thats not factoring in her work schedule so it all kinda depends. but roughly thats what it looks like.


meaning i would have tuesday, thursday, saturday and sunday night with my other partner. (her and my schedule permitting.)

however i would also need to pick at least 2 nights to stay at my apartment so i don't end up neglecting my babies again.

and group night would just happen to include a fourth person, so it would be a group date night. maybe go to the movies or watch a movie. go out to eat or to the bar. play board games or cards, etc.

i have a person in mind, but i am just going to kind of wait a bit and see what life brings and just go with the flow.  Plus i don't even know if she would be open to the idea.

unspoken

then there are the thoughts which go unspoken and un blogged because i hate conflict and as much as i hate martyr behavior i am guilty of it to.

but with this i end the tirade of thoughts for the night.

brooks part 2 - sadness

after talking with amy and dakota for a while my anger disapated leaving me feeling sad and vulnerable, almost to the point of texting brooks.

because as angry as i am, its because i'm hurt. and i'm so hurt because while i did hurt him first it was unintentional and was an indirect consequence of me hanging out with maggie instead of him and amy. I apologized sincerley for it. didn't matter.

he proceeded to treat me like shit for the next month, intentionally hurting me. Lashing out to the point that it pushed me over the edge. I became suicidal. i had to draw a line and i can't go back over it.


and ironically as his anger went down mine grew. Now he is treating me like nothing happened while we are at work. and granted - its nice. its nice to not have to dread going to work. its nice to get to talk to him again.

outside of work is a different story. I will avoid being alone with him on the rare occasions i do see him. Because i know we would end up fighting and it would end in one of two ways.... it goes south and he turns into an asshole again. Or i would end up forgiving him.

and eventually i will forgive him. but i wont forget this. i can't.

and gods know how much i fucking miss him.
my anger developed as a way to stop me from missing him so badly while he was being an asshole.
and now he is being nice.


it doesn't make everything better. at all.
but it does make it harder to stay angry with him.

but i can't just let it go. as much as i want to deep down. because he intentionally hurt me. He intended to cause me pain. He set out to do it. He was spiteful and vindictive.

i can forgive when pain is accidental, but purposefully hurting me is different.

and all it would take is an apology.

but thats not how he is. He wouldn't mean it because he wouldn't see it as having done anything wrong.

i can't let myself be treated like that and i will stand my ground. I will stand up for myself. He pushed me away so i went away and will stay away.

but i miss him.

i miss him so badly.

All i want to do is run to him and hug him and cry.

but i can't and I won't.

and that makes me sad.

brooks part 1 - anger

this is a lot to type so i just took screenshots of the convo that pretty much sums how i'm feeling.

essentially in a nut shell.

shamanism post..... male energy

so to get into shamaism i need to balance my male and female energies. i will be safe when i engage i shamanism even though i don't have a teacher, and i willl learn when i need to know as i truly need to know it.


.... male energy...


so i need to form a connection with a mae deity who an help me balance myself. .... guess who?

Odin. at first i was like.... "but hes an asshole".... and he is. but he is also really good for shamans... and women... and women shamans..... so yeah.

but you know who is practically the human incarnation of Odin?........you guessed it.... your local asshole .

brooks.


which brings me to my next post.

so many thoughts

i have so many thoughts and all of hem different i feel like i can't put them all in one post. and if i had blogged even an an hour or two sooner the posts would be very different.

top 2 grad school research

Texas - Michner Center for Writers at University of Texas at Austin

• free tuition - no teaching
• health care - ??
•  27500 stipend a year
• 27500 / 12 (months in a year) = 2291. 
• one bedroom apartments: (still need to see distance from university)
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/GrandMarc-Austin/100031400/#information_section -> student living, furnished, pricing not listed....probably crazy expensive
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Balcones-Woods/2476/ -> furnished, $800, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/The-Manor/100015996/ -> A2, $825, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Balcones-Woods/2476/ -> Buemont, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Balcones-Club-Apartments/6377/ --> A1, 800, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Solaris-Apartment-Homes/8164/ --> 506, $710, washer and dryer
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/San-Marcos/Village-Green-Apartments/100011517/ --> chealsea, 699$, washer dryer facility 
• https://www.apartments.com/sterling-village-austin-tx/xch2d2m/ --> 619$ 
• so on average rent would be at least 800. lets say 825. 2291 - 825 = 1466. - 200 (health insurance?) = 1266 - 160 (car payments) - 1106 - 100 (cats) = 1006 - 160 (car insurance) = 946 - 100 (electric?) = 846 - 50 (phone) = 796 - 50 (internet) = 746... - 50 (savings) = 696.... yeah thats def enough money to live off of. 

Missisippi (to be continued)

date night

So.... date night was worth the wait. We went to a fancy Indian place and then got coffee and talked it wa great.


Still actually having coffee, update to come

Wasted

I feel like my entire day has been wasted.  I got out of class at like 1130, and wanted to cuddle with Jimmie. But he was still in class. So I waited.

Then he said he had an errand to run with his roommate Cory,  but that was only supposed to take 30 minutes.  Then from the car he asks if I want him and Corie to bring me a new dresser to use. So I got the room ready.

 Almost an hour later I’m still waiting.

 It is now 330 and I have wasted my whole day.

Waiting.

I could’ve gone on a walk.
I could’ve gotten lunch with Haley.
But no, I’ve been waiting.

 I am so fucking annoyed.


And I never got my fucking cuddles.

finals

soooo.....finals are here...\


already took the one for criminology today.... i think i maybe made an 80.

i take my sciology final today at 11

i take the fairy tales final on thursday at 12.

my mythology exam Friday at 11.

xmas dinner pt 2

things got better after the anxiety attacks.



for one, all the girls (amy, chasidy, and lexi) bambarded me in the bathroom and i was being smothered with hugs and being told how awesome i am. (aw. it was sweet). They figured with this being the first time me being out with ayla and Jimmie i was feeling self conscious.

and maybe i was, just a very little bit.

but i think it had more to do with the fact that i was calling ayla my girlfriend to everyone when in all actuality shes not. She Jimmie's other girlfriend and shes someone i'm kinda seeing/being friends with. And putting up faces for the sake of simplicity was getting to me.

i looked damn fine too.

things got better after everyone moved to the bar or outside to smoke, then it was just me and ayla and amy for a bit. I started dancing.... felt dumb but then started having some much fun i didn't care. I love dancing to lounge music. its the easiest and silliest way to dance and it put me at ease. I danced with ayla. I danced with Jimmie. I danced by myself mostly.... and it felt great.


i pulled myself out of my funk and panic and anxiety and emotions and just....danced. I didn't have to think anymore. didn't have to worry about brooks. Or jimmie. or Ayla. just move my body to the sound of easy and happy music.

and i felt better.
.... the double shot of frangelico probably helped just a smidge.

Xmas dinner

I’m at the bistro Xmas dinner and gods above help me.

I’m half a glass of wine in and I’m drowning.

So many thoughts.
So many emotions.
Seeing everyone together again....


I wish I could hug brooks. He’s actually been nice to me yesterday and tonight. Almost like before the fight. He’s looking into my eyes when he talks and there is no malice...

But I won’t let my hopes get up. I won’t fall for it. The other show will drop and he’ll go back to being an asshole.

Then it’s out first function out as a poly group. For simplicity sake I’m saying she’s my girlfriend but I just want to scream.

Brooks is talking to me like nothing is happened. I want to scream.

My brain is on overdrive and all I want to do is scream.

Ayla talks to me - wanna scream
Jimmie stands near me - wanna scream.
Brooks breathes - wanna scream.


I just want to just curl up in a ball and be held by Amy.



Just just just. Cut it all off.

Goddesses

So the two goddesses that possessed me on Sunday:


- Naginidevi:
Psychologically, Nagas symbolize spiritual seekers. Magickally, they come to the aid of other beings, who are sincere seekers, helping them discover the hidden treasures of the spirit. Nagas will help keep sincere beings on their spiritual path. - protector of women and benevolent until offended. Seen as goddess of fertility and protector of family and marriage. Found at fresh water. 



- Xochiquetzal

was a goddess associated with concepts of fertility, beauty, and female sexual power, serving as a protector of young mothers and a patron of pregnancy, childbirth, and the crafts practised by women such as weaving and embroidery. In pre-Hispanic Maya culture, a similar figure is Goddess I. - kidnapped by Aztec god of war whom was often made blood sacrifices, which may be why she wanted or expected blood as an offering. 

- last night I got visited by Bast. She needs no explanation. 

Goddess

So Sunday I did shrooms. It was life changing.

If I know one thing, it’s that yes - shamanism is my thing.

During my trip I had visions of the core of magic. Saw ancient symbols as glowing blue glyphs behind my eyes. I became raw energy. My soul left my body at least 3 times, if Jimmie hasn’t pulled me back I’m sure I would have died.

I was possessed by several animal spirits including bear (after which I wa able to be with a baby bear as he was dieing. He has been hit by a car and was scared and alone somewhere north where it was snowing and I could smell evergreen trees.) there was also snake, and fox and one other animal I’m not sure who it was.

Then there was the goddesses. The first spirit I channeled was snake, this opened me up for the Hindu/Buddhist goddess Nagini to take over my body. I was also possessed by an Aztec or Mayan goddess - and she was interesting and terrifying. Nagini was powerful and dangerous but actually had no intent to harm Jimmie - just the opposite, she wanted to keep him forever; although she might have picked up on my feelings for him. The other goddess wanted blood. Either his or mine - she didn’t care but she felt she was owed blood. I was able to take control over my body out of fear for jimmie - but she still was with me.

Jimmie, being the empath that he is took one look at her/me and asked if she wanted blood. All we could do was nod; and he pointed out that she had already been given blood - my menstrual blood. as soon as he said that she was gone.

Both goddesses left and didn't return, but they left me with a gift. Every person had divine masculine and feminine energy.... they left me with the ability to access my divine feminine energy. After they were gone, i became a goddess on my own as divine feminine energy coarsed through me. It was peaceful and euphoric and chaotic and demanding and i felt more alive than i ever had before. It was similar to the other two goddesses but it was my own energy, not the energy of another. Jimmie saw it all. He says he can't unsee it and that he still sees me in that way... and he seems truly sincere when he says it. His eyes get more green and take on an almost humbled look.

when the trip ended i was worried that i wouldn't be able to feel that way again without the aid of mushrooms, but last night in my sleep i felt the divine energy take over me and i felt like a goddess again. I felt at peace again. I felt powerful despite my human body. the feeling lasted for hours before fading just before i had to get up for the day.


I would also like to point out that i have not had a single suicidal thought nor felt the desire to die since sunday. I actually have a desire to live. its a new feeling.

Group night

td group night tonight... which means cuddles and feel good times... and gusss who’s out?

Me, fae.

I hope the percentages change and lean in Lisa favor because I’m not feeling warm, cozy, and cuddly.
And I’m not in the mood to fake anything. I’m feeling blunt  and honest.

Ayla has only heard about me being frisky. Poly girl doesn’t know me and of Lisa has her way she won’t.  I’m not in the mood for any of this.

Who do you think told Lisa to go hermit?

Gods above let the percentages shift.
But if I’m out then that means I’m needed.

I am not pleased nor am I in the mood to please.
I’m in the mood to be feared and appeased.

I’m on the hunt. Beware.

Hermit week itinerary

• Cats - flea treatment ASAP, cut nails
• Research - faery shamanism, GRE, Grad schools 
• Self care - eat in and eat balanced, mask, baths, vitamins, remove claws, meditate, get tested
• Reflect - blog, readings, make decisions 
• Reconnect - go for walks in nature center, Amy, writing, meditation 
• Catch up - pay for the rest of the cruise, school work I’ve missed

The hermit

The hermit card: Just like with the Strength card, you may even more so be in the frame of mind that you need some time alone - don't be afraid to take it. Even if it's just a five minute walk around the house so that you can clear your head. This is also very much a card about "trying very hard to do the right thing." Just make sure that "doing the right thing" includes doing what is right for you personally, and not just worrying about the wants and needs of others.

It’s time for me to be the hermit. I need some alone time to really process what is going on, how I’m feeling, where I’m going.... I need time to reflect. 

And yes. I’m being a coward at the same time. I’m fighting my instincts which are telling me that yes, this is going to hurt me and out of self preservation I need to run. Run fast and far.

But I’m not going to do that. 

I’m going to take some time for myself, by myself, and reflect. I’m going to research and delve into spirituality for a time.

Starting Monday then hermit begins. 

Goddamn it.

I keep ducking up.

So I’ve been in a shit mood since Jimmie and I have driven back to Greenville after visiting his family. And bless his heart, he put up with it.

My brain really doesn’t make sense. I was upset over a single ducking word.

He’s been talking to this girl Kate. Which I’m okay with for the most part. He asked if I minded if he has a fling with her, and I took that as just sex. A friend, with benefits so to speak. Fine.

But then in the car he was talking about waiting and putting off having a relationship with her until things with me and Ayla are solid and settled.

I got jealous over the word relationship. Because to me that involves emotions and it made me jealous. And not my usual cold jealous which manifests as anxiety, I got hot jealous which manifested as me getting mad.

And he could tell. The con of dating an empath is it’s almost impossible to hide something from them. So of coarse he asked what was up.

Then I had this whole arguement in my brain about Wether to tell him or not, except both voices in my head sounded the same. One said to tell him and the other said there was no point since he literally just said he WASNT going to have a relationship with her (...yet) and that I was getting jealous over nothing. I don’t know which voice was mine and which wa fae but I ended up not talking And just feeling like crap.

And he could tell. But it’s just insecure girl brain. And the second voice was right.

I had a slight inclination to talk to Ayla about it but she’s asleep and I don’t think it would have done any good.

Truth is I’m a coward and don’t want to admit to having a problem because of coarse I’m going to be the one to fuck everything up.

The most important thing in any relationship, especially a poly one, is communication.


And I suck at it.

And of coarse I know I’m being irrational. Which I why I didn’t want to say anything. So I blog about it and then ignore it or bury it. Like the proper self destructive person that I am.

And when I think about it, I don’t get jealous of Ayla because I’m dating her too. Ayla has other partners but from what I gather they are almost purely sexual. And I don’t get jealous over Ayla because I haven’t had the chance to get as emotionally attached to her the way I have with Jimmie.


What if I can’t do the open poly? I’m going to fuck everything up.

Goddamit. Every time.

juggler

i'm bad at juggling.... i keep dropping balls and i need to at least see what balls i have,

1. school - classes, planning for grad school maybe. idk. 
2. work 1 - foodlion
3. work 2 - bistro 
4. social life - both partners, steadily shrinking friend group
5. self care - eating, sleeping, taking my meds, showering, etc
6. responsibilities - bills, cats, taxes, etc.
7. spirituality - my inner circle,readings, meditation, gods, looking into shamanism. (more on that last one in future blog posts)

i can tell you right now that both 2 and 3 aren't bringing in enough money for 5 and 6. 

the balls ive been dropping the most?

5 and 7.i'm not taking care of myself physically, mentally, or spiritually. 6 too, the cats need flea treatments; poor things are getting eaten up. I’ve been neglecting them and I feel bad. 

gods above i need more hands.

I think I might need to be a hermit for a week or so.

Fae got to play - sex post

So..... last night fae got to play.

Jimmie came over last night. We fooled around and I finally made it up to two fingers..... ow. But I did it. If I can do it a few more times then I might finally make it to actual penetrative sex. Scary but exciting. With Jimmie the fear is receading.

So we fooled around and then he gave me a “sex Ed lesson” in which I touched his penis.... and then when he started to have reactions to what I wa asking.... fae came out. and She gave him a blow job. Mind you it was something that I wanted to do, and it was more practical than constantly licking my fingers, but I let fae drive because she wasn’t as nervous as I was.

And then afterward she was fading and I was taking the wheel again.... until Jimmie said she was like a goddess.  Suddenly fae has the wheel and pretty much attaches him..... I’d jimmis thought I was aggressive when I made out with him, fae is doubly so.

Fae is a total dim, I’m a sub that likes to have dominance taken from me. He seduced her and then pretty much has to hold on and enjoy the ride because he set her off.

Then when she has her fun again I got to be me, got sweet goodnight kisses and then slept amazingly well.

But good lord. Frannie, brooks, and Bigus were right. When I do fully awaken sexually I’m going to be a monster....

However this also helps because faeriw magic is sensual and sexual.

And boy is fae ready.

Thruple

So I guess..... I’m in a thruple.

This girl that Jimmie has been talking to also happens to be interested in me. Her name is Ayla and she and I get along great.

Well I guess we are a thruple. And while she has had multiple sex partners, this I her first time Actualluy dating anyone - and she’s dating a couple.

Granted I’ve already felt mild jealousy, and I’m concerned with making sure she doesn’t get uncomfortable. Like I hesitate to kiss Jimmie infront of her, I don’t want her to feel left out.
I also just need to become more comfortable with her; friendly reminder I am actually shy.

But like I’m also scared that a he will end up liking her more and leave me.... and I have become emotionally invested in this thing we have. Like I just have this sneaking anxiety.

I’ve always been curious about poly, and now I’m actually experiencing it. It’s new and I’ve got a lot to learn.

But for the time being I’m having fun and just  going with it.

I have a male partner
I have a girlfriend

I’m in a thruple.

Maggie

So Maggie sent me. Song called “Bastards” by Kesha. It’s dqwwr and made me cry. Then aha sent me this;

“Seriously, just let it go. You are too good to be treated like shit. I used you as a punching bag and I shouldn’t have. You really deserve better.

You need to realize though that pain is no excuse. It was literally inexcusable. Just like what you’re going through now. No excuses. All I can do is make it up to you.

I’m sorry for the pain you’re in.”


And now we are talking about birthday plans to mertyl beach.

I love her. I’ve missed her so much.

I really needed to hear this

Hard

gods above this is so hard. Fighting these thoughts. It would just be so easy. So simple. By the time I finished writing goodbyes and sending them the pills would kick in and I could just go to sleep.
No more pain or worry or anger or hurt or anything. Peace.

Saying no is so hard.

One foot than another.
Give a smile.
Keep breathing.
Fake it till you make it.

But by the gods if These waves don’t stop I’m going to break.

Drowning

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Tread water . Keep your head above the waves. Just keep swimming. Just keep breathing.

Just keep walking. Left foot. Right foot. Breathe.  Again. Left. Righ. Breathe. Again.

This will pass. Give it a few hours.

This will pass. Just give it a few weeks. 

The pain after that will pass too.

Just keep swimming. 

Lungs burning.

Limbs tired. 

Just keep swimming.

Just keep swimming. 

Please.

Cutting myself down

Brooks am sure I are the hanged man..... well I'm cutting myself down.

Brooks wants to push me away then fine. I'll leave. I'm done trying. I'm done holding out the hope that he will get over himself . He will never apologize but I was hoping his anger would at least dissipate. But no. And I've had enough.

I've been like a yoyo with him. He pushes me away and I come right back. I'm not a you and this time I'm not coming back unless he actively tries to pull me back. But he won't. He said tok prideful and spiteful.

But missing him and caring so much, holding out how and being disappointed every time I see him has been making me suicidal. I've written two notes, almost gone through it twice in the past week.

He's not worth it. I love him so much it hurts me and it needs to stop.

When you get gangrene in your foot you chop it off.

He has isolated me, I'm gong to lose most of my friends by doing this but I have to. Self preservation.


No longer will I be the hanged man. I'm taking action and cutting myself down.


And it hurts. So badly.

um...update?

so ive been seeing this therapist. mondays, this is our third session.

generally they see people for 4 or 5 sessions before referring them to someone else for long term help.

i don't need long term help. i mean, i enjoy therapy, i forgot how much it makes me feel better, but its not something i need. i'm not about to start paying 60-70$ a month for 30 minute sessions again.

however my pill dr, who happens to be a psychiatrist (he does't do the therapy part tho), works at the student health center and my therapist is going to reach out so that i can see him here for free instead of paying 50$ every 3 months.

i'm thinking about asking to up my bipolar meds dosage.

te ups and downs latley even though ive been taking them like i'm supposed to it getting rough.

i'm manic for like 4 hours and then i crash.

i get really low and then fae takes over.

i wrote 2 suicide notes the other day.  was going to OD on my anxiety pills. took a nap and woke up with fae in the drivers seat until i went to work and started feeling better.

my episodes aren't lasting days the way they use to. they are lasting hours and then shifting or leveling off.

it wierd.

and i need to let my Dr know.


ugh.


but that also means Dr Wright is about to find out about fae from the lady therapist ive been talking to.

oh boi.

mending friendship spell

needed:

• 2 candles, pink or white - perhaps a deep blue
• pink: Positive self love, friendship, harmony, joy
•  white:Destruction of negative energy, peace, truth and purity
•  blue: Meditation, Healing, Forgiveness, Inspiration, Fidelity, Happiness, and opening lines of Communication
•  sigils 
•  
  
  

• something to carve into candles
• paper and pen

1. carve the sigils onto the candles

2. write names of the friends who are fighting on a piece of paper 

3.place candles over names 

4. light candles and recite spell:

"A friend and I have had a fight

I need some help to make things right

I truly want to stay good friends

So help me, then, to make amends"

allowing the sigils to act over the people. 

OR

1. write names on candles

2. draw sigil on paper

3. place candles over sigil

4.. light candles and recite spell

"A friend and I have had a fight

I need some help to make things right

I truly want to stay good friends

So help me, then, to make amends"

allowing the two candles to become one over the sigil. 

Original Fairytale: The kelpie and the girl - needs revision

***i did some minor editing

The girl is three years old. She is precious, the kelpie thought as he followed the boat. The tiny little girl sat on her mother's lap as the father moved the oars back and forth through the river. Her sing song voice told her parents about the pretty black horse hiding in the water. The father just laughed but the mother looked somewhat uncomfortable. As well she should, the Kelpie thought. It had been years since the woman had returned to her family home in Scotland, she had all but abandoned her heritage for the american man she now called husband. Oh what fun it would be to pull him beneath the water's surface... watching his breath leave him in a parade of tiny bubbles.

"Can I pet him?" asked the child, eagerly pulling away from the mother towards the edge of the boat.

"Sure sweetie," the father said through his chuckles, "But let's get to the shore first." He smile fell a bit when he caught sight of his young wife's stern face.

"No." She said firmly. She turned the child to face her, holding the little face in both hands.  "You must never pet the black horse in the water. Kelpies are not nice." She looked deeply into the little pools of amber on the now pouting face, eyes that matched her own. She released the girl  satisfied that the child understood. The husband on the other hand, did not.

"What's the big deal?" H asked, his tone held slight irritation.

"When my father bought this land, he was told it was cursed. Over twenty people had drowned in the river that ran across the property and no would go near it. So my parent being as superstitious as they were, did research and came to believe a Kelpie guarded the area." Her unease pleased the kelpie, it meant she remembered everything.

"What is a Kelpie?" The husband asked, his tone implying she was foolish to believe in whater it was.

"Its a nature spirit.... a faerie of sorts." The husband snorted, interrupting her, but she continued on. "They appear as black horses and live in lakes or rivers. They are known drown people and eat them." At that the husband laughed outright, seeming unaware that his toddler was staring past him intently, smiling at the dark creature directly behind her father.

"Faeries? Don't tell me you believe in the-" He grunted as one of the oars was almost ripped from his grasp. "Must have hit a rock...." He muttered. He looked at the alarm on hi wife's face. "What?"

"Don't disrespect them. My family owns this land, as such the kelpie is less inclined to harm us... but if you insult it then-"

"Nothing." The husband cut her off, seemingly fed up with the conversation. They breached the shore and he got out, pulling the canoe deeper into the sand. "Nothing will happen. They don't exist and frankly i never knew you were so superstitious." His tone conveyed his disdain and disapproval so the wife didn't continue. She merely looked out over the river anxiously, holding her wiggling daughter closer to her. Stupid man.... thought the kelpie, but he was glad that the young woman hadn't forgotten about him. Looking over her mother's shoulders, she waved happily to the black horse waiting in the water.

-------

 The girl is now a few years older.

Despite the wishes of her father, her mother had continued to teach her to respect it, lest she anger the kelpie that lived there. She often enjoyed the late night stories of faeries and elves. Still young, she didn't understand why her father would get so mad at her mother for telling her stories. She loved to hear of how the kelpie killed the evildoers who had harmed her mother’s family in the past, although it had been years since the last.

“He’s the guardian of these lands; he will protect what is his.” Her mother would say solemnly.

One day she and her mother had been walking along the riverbank when they found some trash that had been thrown in… one of her father's bear cans. He had been napping at the picnic area and they took the time to enjoy the quiet, but seeing the litter agitated her mother.

"Remember love," her mother had said as she waded into the river, her pants rolled up to her knees. "Don't throw trash into the river. Always put it in the trash can." She grabbed the can from the water and made her way back to the girl. With the can in one hand, and the other holding the child's, they made their way back to the picnic. Suddenly she had a thought.

"Mum!" She said, hastily grabbing the picnic basket and running for the water. Before her mother could stop her she threw the entire thing into the water. Hearing her call out, the father awoke from his nap. He blinked in confusion and then grew angry, as he usually did after drinking.

"Why the hell would you do that?" He roared, getting up. Quickly the wife stepped in front of the child and tried to calm down her husband.  "Shut up." He grunted.  With his full angry gaze on the child she began to cry. Quickly the mother dropped down and held her.

"Why did you throw the food in the water?" She asked her daughter gently.

"The kelpie... you said it eats people but no one had drowned in years, so I thought that he might be hungry." She sniffled. The wife embraced her, half to comfort her and half to shield her from the rage she knew would come from her husband.  That night the air was full of the sounds of whimpering and the sound of flesh striking flesh.

Her father was found dead only days later.

The girl thinks about how the funeral had been over very quickly. She looked out of her bedroom window to the river that had claimed her father's life. She was sad, angry, and grateful for the river. A knock on the door brought the girl out of her reverie and back into her room as her mother entered. Without waiting to see what her mom wanted to say she blurted out what she had been questioning since she first heard about her father's death. 

"Did the kelpie kill him?" she asked.

The mom's face froze and she bent her head in shame. Without a word she nodded. The girl looked at her mother, who seemed more guilty than sad. She wanted to ask why, but although she was still just a child, she could sense that it wasn't something her mother would be able to answer at the moment.

That night she snuck out of her room and went to the river. Although she had never seen the kelpie after the first canoe ride, she remembered him very clearly. Her mother had been afraid but she didn't see why. She tried to conjure up his image, wondering if he was watching now.

"Kelpie!" she called, hoping he could hear her. She didn't want to wake her mother but she had questions and figured it was better to go to the source. When nothing happened she rolled up her pajama pants and walked into the water. It was cold against her ankles but she liked it. Because of the kelpie she wasn't allowed to be in the water alone, but she now she and it wasn't scary at all. She began to splash around, loving the way that the water made waves where her feet landed.

She heard a sound behind her and turned. Nothing. There was only the river, quietly continuing on its course. Having remembered the picnic beforehand, she pulled out a sandwich and tossed it as far as she could. Maybe food would make the kelpie come out?

child, what are you doing? a voice floated through her head. It wasn't a voice she heard with her ears but she heard it nonetheless. Looking around, but she couldn't see anything.

"Hello?" she asked, suddenly a little scared. She stopped splashing, and stood very still. Squinting her eyes she tried to see where he was. Her mother had taught her that even though they were horses, kelpies could talk. Since she heard his voice she knew he had to be close by. When she never got a response she walked a little deeper into the water. It was up to her knees now, and her pajamas were starting to get wet.

Your mother will be cross if she find you out here. He said amused. He looked at the girl, she was so small... he tilted his head when he saw her shiver. He was half tempted to stand next to her, so that his body heat would warm her, but decided against it. 

It was clear the girl had come for a reason, to prevent prolonged exposure to the cold climate he bluntly asked, What do you want child?

"Why did you kill my father?" she asked, her voice shook from fear, but her stance was defiant. The kelpie felt pride, and then puzzlement. Why did this girl stir such emotions within him? He wanted her out of the cold water so he answered her without remorse.

He angered me. He said matter-of -factly. The girl didn't know what kind of response she was expecting, but the hurt and anger she felt overwhelmed her. She never thought to ask how her father angered the kelpie, if she had then he would have told her about the bruises he had seen on the mother. The girl knew her father was an angry drunk, but the kelpie knew him to be a violent one. In her innocent ignorance, the girl kicked the water in grief and ran back to the house. The kelpie watched her go, pondering the feelings of grief. All things die... why was it so hard to part with them? The girl did not return to the river for several years.

-----------

The girl is now a teenager. She is celebrating her sixteenth birthday with her boyfriend and several friends. In the thrall of the party, she and the boy sneak off by the river. At first they are kissing and laughing and all is well. The kelpie sees them but feels no indication to interfere or make his presence known. He remains a bystander until he hears the girl's tone of voice change. She sounds agitated so he comes nearer, his curiosity turning to rage when he hears her voice turn fearful.

"I said stop!" The girl cried, her boyfriend roughly holder down on the river bank. They had both been drinking and she knew he wasn't thinking clearly, but still she felt afraid. He simply grunts and wrestles to get on top of her. She struggles but knows she is no match for him. She closes her eyes and feels tears slip down her cheeks when suddenly his weight is gone. Instead she hears a choking sound. Opening her eyes she sees a naked man infront of her, holding her drunken boyfriend off the ground by the throat.

He is a beautiful man. His build is tall and firm with the well defined muscles of a swimmer. He has a mop of black wavy hair and strong, sharp jawline. He turns his gaze from the struggling boy in his vice like grip, and looks down at her. His eyes are black and as deep as the river they are beside. She can see deadly rage there, in the black pools, and yet the soften when they meet her own. She knows immediately who this man is; the kelpie. Faeries, kelpies included, had the ability to appear human for short amounts of time. She had seen, nor heard, from him in years since her father's death and yet in a moment of crisis he appeared to her aid. The moment the realization hits her, all feelings of fear disappear.

"Go back to the party, child." He says, his voice strong and eerily familiar. She can hear his anger and knows instantly that the boy wriggling and gasping for air was not long for this world. She cast a hesitant look to the boy who only moments before would have violated her, wondering if she should say something to save him. "Go back, child. Forget what you have seen." The kelpie’s  voice sounded in her ears and she knew she should obey.

The boy's body was found a day later down river. Although the cause of death was drowning, the coroner was puzzled at what kind of scavenger had gotten a hold of the boy's corpse. Although he had only been dead for a day, half of his body had been eaten by some sort of animal. Despite half of the skin missing, the fear was still frozen in the glazed eyes.

After that, the girl was considered cursed. Within a short time, she was soon without many friends and found herself very lonely. Not knowing why, she found herself standing on the riverbed, her toes sinking in the sandy mud. She knew she wasn't cursed, nor was her land. All the death and drowning had come from the kelpie...and yet she could not feel anger towards him. She had long since gotten over her father's death and this new killing had been done in order to save her. She smiled, and timidly called out to the creature. She never saw him, but it took only a minute for him to breach the water's surface to hear her.

Her days were soon filled with school work and stress from finding a job. She remained lonely but found solace in talking to the kelpie. He never spoke back, but she still continued to talk at him, day after day. It crossed her mind, that maybe he was as lonely as she was; this thought overcame her doubt and insured her daily return to the water's edge.

--------

The girl is now a young woman. Her mother is ill and on her deathbed, tucked softly into bed, yet she can find no comfort. calling the girl to her, she says that she must confess something. When the girl asks what she is referring to, the mother makes her promise not to interrupt. Confused, the girl agrees.

"I....killed your father." The mother's now old feeble voice squeaks. "He was a very angry drunk, and he drank quite often. One night, after you had gone to bed he hit me. When he did it again, i went to the river and begged the kelpie for help." She tried to talk quickly, her guilt rushing to be released,  but had to gasp for breath. A single tear fell from her old amber eyes and the girl gently wiped it away. "If...If you ever need help.. got to him." She wheezed.

 The girl was confused; all her life the mother had told her to stay away from the kelpie and that he only brought death and bad luck. The girl said as much and was quieted by the painful look that crossed her dyeing mother's face.

"He...brings death." She said, her voice much quieter now. "But... he protects all those who he considers to belong in his territory." She closed her eyes and held her daughter's hand. "He saved my brother from drowning... he killed your father... life and death. Promise..."she huffed, her breathing growing shallow. The girl began to cry but promised. Nodding, the mother said she loved the girl and within minutes all was quiet; the old hand that held the girl's grew limp.

They buried the mother next to the father. The grief at losing her mother chased the girl away from her family home and she did not return for ten years.

-----

The girl is  now a mother and a successful business woman. She has married and had two children, a daughter and a son. Although in America, the girl made sure to teach her children all about the faeries and their tricks. She even told them about the dangerous but mysterious kelpie. Her husband, soon jealous of her success, left her to raise both children alone. After the divorce the girl returned to Scotland, eager to set eyes on the home and the river of her childhood.

The girl was nervous to approach the river, after having been gone for so long. Holding the hands of both her children, she crept to the water's edge. Calling softly to the kelpie, she prayed he would see her. It took almost no time for the kelpie to figure out who the beautiful woman was, although her face was older, he recognized his precious child. He held little resentment for her absence, although he had missed her greatly. Beautiful younglings, he said as he approached. He knew she could not see him, but the youngest child, the boy of maybe two or three, did. The boy had his mother's amber eyes and the daughter had her long red hair; both children were beautiful to him as they reflected pieces of the girl.

Once satisfied that the kelpie had accepted her children she resettled into her childhood home. Unlike her mother, the girl taught her children to respect, but not fear the kelpie. She made a pact with the creature; in exchange for never leaving Scotland again, he would never harm her children or descendants.

It was a summer day when the girl was making apple pies to surprise her children. It was her daughter's birthday and she, with friends, had been playing outside in the yard. While making the dough she had the sudden urge to check on the children. When she left the door way she was greeted by her daughter, who wore a look of pure terror.

"What is it!?" the girl snapped, fear seizing her heart. The daughter burst into tears and sobbed. Her younger brother had wandered away from the group while she was playing and had disappeared.

Barking orders for all the children to go inside, the girl ran to the river. Calling out for he son, her frantic eyes scanned the river bank. She ran down, calling out, tears almost drowning out her screams. She cried for the Kelpie to take her to her son.

It wasn't until the heard a smooth deep voice say, come, that she allowed herself to breathe.  Running down the riverbed she found her boy playing in a shallow pool fed by runoff from the river.

"What have you been doing!?" she shouted, scoping him up in her arms. Her tears of relief ran freely as she hugged him to her heart, the boy sounded confused but answered his mother happily.

"I was playing with the horsie..." He giggled and waved behind her. Turning sharply, she scanned for any sign of the kelpie. Although she knew she would not see him, her eyes still searched. Quietly, her shaking voice thanked him.

The kelpie looked at the girl, his precious girl, and smiled. He could not allow her son to drown. Although he had been trying to call one of the daughter's friends to the river, it was the boy who heard him. He resembled his mother to such an extent that the kelpie couldn't resist and allowed the boy onto his back. He almost regretted causing her such pain and worry, yet it had granted him sacred moments with her. He watched them return to the house, and resumed his tempting of the local children to his waters...

-------

The girl is now an old woman. Surrounded by loved ones, she smiles. Both of her children had brought home beautiful families. Her son, and his children had decided to move into the family home and she knew that the kelpie would continue to look after them. She knew she was dying, as did her family. They had all gathered, far and wide, to bid her farewell. Feeling more loved than she had her entire life, she waited until all were asleep under the blanket of nightfall to slowly make her way out of the house. She glanced back at the home that had brought her years of joy and many tears. Her wonderful children would carry on its legacy and she would miss them terribly. With a tired sigh she made her way to the river.

"Kelpie." She called, her voice barely audible. It took a few more calls before he heard her. Rising instantly he faced her and knew her time was short. 

Child? He asked. For the first time in many years, his heart grew heavy as he looked into her beautiful amber eyes. Her red hair was now more gray with streaks of faded rose water. He still found her lovely and precious. She blinked and when her eyes opened she gasped. Before her was a noble black horse, with a mane that looked as thick as river weeds but soft as the water's surface. Just like when she was a babe, she had the urge to pet him.

Her feeble legs carried her further into the water, the current causing her to lose her balance. Before she could fall, the strong neck of the kelpie braced her and eased her back into balance. They stared at each other for a long moment and both knowing she would be gone soon. Her breathing was already labored as she struggled to remain upright. Bending down, he made himself as low as possible, allowing her to ease herself on top of him. Her hands griped his thick mane and he slid back into the deeper water. He carried her in the water, smiling and even laughing as she rode him, until she was silent. He felt a piece of his heart break when her hands went limp and her body floated off of his back.

For the first time ever, the kelpie felt loss. The girl was dead. Her passing was peaceful and he took comfort in knowing she had seen him one last time before her soul parted with his. As per her will, when the family retrieved the body, the girl was buried with her mother and father. Ten years later, when her body had time to decay but her bones remained; she had wished them to be cleaned and returned. Her faithful son, who beheld her amber eyes, carried the bones to the river.

"She loved you." He said, his voice thick with emotion. He hoped that the kelpie had seen him and was watching now. He shook his head. His mother had always told him about the black faerie horse that lived in the river, yet he had no memory of him. His mother had wished that her bones would be returned to the kelpie and the river would unify them. Setting the bones down in the sand, he cast a final look at what once was his mother and returned to the house. It wasn't until nightfall that the kelpie approached his precious girl, and carried her into the river with him. There they remained for the rest of his days, together.

halt

things with jimmie have pretty much come to a halt.

i was doing so good experimenting and making steps forward...

but then boom. anxiety.

and when i say that i mean

BOOM ANXIETY.

the last several times weve hung out we've cuddled. maybe a few kisses here and there but cuddled. Ive actually gotten sleep over the past week.

i'm frustrated because i was doing so well.

but with a single word ("toys") the anxiety was triggered and now i don't want to be touched.

we started out with baby steps and started sprinting..... moving too fast....and now we've come to a screaming frustrating halt.


hopefully he'll be patient and wait until i can start moving again

hanged man

brooks and i have reached the hanged man.

he sees me as an enemy now and i don't know how it spiraled this far out.

all i did was visit maggie instead of going to D&D, missing a single session, and now suddenly i've betrayed him and am the enemy.

aparenlty i am nieve (i am. i know i am) and i want everyone to be just like me and i only see what i want to see.  He says i don't care how he feels - only how he perceives me.

of coarse i care how he feels. how could i not? hes my brother. but any time i get within a foot of him he expels distrust and hatred and anger and accusation. Its almost like a physical wall - how can i get through that?

i can't.

and now i am on this list with maggie and whoever else.

because i won't officially pick a side.  (although he claims that i have.... i see no sides. i only see people i love and support.)
because i won't jump on the bandwaggon of just accusing someone of breaking into his house without definitive proof.
because i chose to see friends who i hadn't seen in a while over going to a game that we have every week.

it wasn't even like i canceled on a time to sit and talk. it would have been them high off their asses, maybe him drinking - maybe not, and us playing the game. no deep conversations. no getting our feelings out. it would have just been the game.

but no. apparently i blew off important plans to consort with the enemy - now i am one too.

fuck him.

i love him so much this hurts to badly. I can't handle this level pain so i'm not. 30-70 me-fae.

she is pretty much running the show right now. i'm just curled up in the fetal position crying.

we have reached the hanged man and i can't breathe.

no guilt

i'm not feeling guilty about jimmie anymore.

granted i do feel like i have betrayed amy, but she swears that she is okay with it.

but it was Bast.

Jimmie and i were cuddling and he shifted my bast necklace.... and i was suddenly struck with how Bast would approve of what was happening. She would't be judging me, she would be proud.

so i stopped and let go of the guilt.









except now brooks knows and i think Jimmie is mad at me.

kinda anxious about that.

a lot -> warning sex talk

A lot has been happening.

Things are better with maggie. Things are much worse with Brooks.
Things are weird with amy...


its like i'm caught up in a chaotic shit sorm of a civil war.

but .

since its out now - ive been messing around with jimmie.
we started out with just cuddling for comfort since he as in so much pain. then it moved on to kissing and making out.


it has since progressed. (as of october 30th)

cunnilingus.
havnt done full penetration but used fingers.


and maybe might progress more.


i have never been this comfortable with a man before.
he is patient and gentle and understanding.

and hes helping me overcome the damage that corie did.

i'm starting to let go of the fear and the guilt.

i'm learning things about my body.


and yes - i'm still asexual. I dont see people in a sexual way; that hasn't changed.

but i'm learning to be less anti-sex.

Spiraling again

the worst part of how I cope with things? It doesn't always work. I bury things. In this case it's the anger and panic and depressive thoughts and emotions that are caused by the fact that my world was tossed into chaos and I had no control over anything.

So I disassociated a bit. I buried it all. I kept it buried for 3 weeks about.

It's rising up and the problem is is that fae isn't holding everything in check. I'm dealing with the aftermath of wha I've been doing while disassociating. I'm having to face all these emotions.

And now I'm spiraling. I havnt been completely me for several weeks and suddenly now I am.
I don't like it.

spiraling in thoughts and urges and emotions.

Round and round and round I go.

One second I'm fine. The next I'm panicking. Then I'm fae. Then I'm a pathetic weakling.
One moment I'm 100% me. The next I'm her. But then I can't even tell anymore at times.

Where I'll stop nobody knows.

But if I give in to more of these bad thoughts and urges I'm headed to a dark path.

I don't know if I can step off or if I even want to.

What do you get when you mix mania and depression together at the same exact time?

Chaos. Spiraling chaos.

That's what I am.

Who's next?

"You look a thing me differently. I could tell since you walked in today".

Yes Brooks.

I look at him differently. I have for over a week now.

But you know what? I look at everyone differently. I'm waiting to see who is next.
Who is going to turn on who next?

Maggie turned on me.
Brooks turned on jimmie.
I'm being isolated and left out of the covens activities.
B told Amy something i said in confidence.

I just don't trust anyone anymore.

So yes. I'm looking at everyone differently.

Jimmie

I've offered/asked jimmie to move in with me. Hallie really does want to move out and shes already found a place to go to. HE has until december to decide if he wants to or not.

It would be much better than Cory moving in with him...

the rent is the same. I know the electric bill would go up because he plays video games.... but I think living with Jimmie would be good. for both of us.

now there are thing i would have to buy....

• pantry
• 2 dressers
• the other half of the coffee table or hallie would buy it from me and i just go get a full one
• hallie would have to buy the other half of the TV from me - jimmie has a TV
• a tv stand
• towels
• dishes, pots and pans
• vacuum
• swiffer/broom
• shower curtain

thats all i can think of t the moment

Spring 2018 Final College Semester notes

okay. so. here goes.


Register: Monday Nov 6th at 3:30

or Tuesday nov 7th at 9:30 am

Pin:342161


All I have left for my major and minor:


Anth - chose one

• Anth 3050 - Ethnographic field methods MWF 10-10:50
• Anth 3077 - archeological field methods
• Anth 4400 - human skeletal analysis 

Creative Writing - chose one

• Eng 3330 - early 20th century drama not offered
• Eng 3340 - contemporary drama 
• Eng 3410 - introduction to poetry T/TH 9:30-10:45
• Eng 3831 - plays from writers POV
• Eng 3835 - poetry from writer's POV
• Eng 3861 - nonfiction from writers POV
• Eng 4930 - film from writers POV

Elective options:

• Anth 3200 Women's Role Cross Cult Persp T/TH 2-3:15
• ENGL 3820 Science Fiction MWF 1-2 or 2-3 (wouldn;t let me work at FL)
• Soci 3325 sociology of human sexuality T 6:30-9:30
• Psyc 3375 abnormal psychology MWF 9-9:50
• pscy 3300 psychology of personality MWF 11-11:50

**sign up for both.... i feel like i would end up dropping 3375

Schedule:

MWF

• psyc 3375 9-10:50
• Anth 3050 10-10:50 
• psyc 11-11:50

T/TH

• engl 3410 9:30-10:45
• soc 3325 6:30-9:30 (only T) -> carpool with cory

Work Schedule 

Tell Bistro i can't work tuesday nights. (mon, wed-sat)

foodlion: 

• mon, wed, fri 12:15-4:15 (4 on friday)
• Tues 11:30-5:30
• sat 7am-4
• sun 12-12

**I need to buy a parking pass for on campus.... so like... the 400$ one. 

Shocking return

i somehow tripped and fell into a different dimension. One in which everything thatvwas constant in my life suddenly is falling apart in front of my eyes.

That is the only explanation for this week.


Maggie is gone.
Jimmie and Amy are breaking up.

If jimmie and Amy couldn't make it work then I don't see how it's possible for anyone to. I just. I could tell something was up. And then after being insanely anxious about it last night Amy finally told me. I don't know very many specifics, but she's unhappy and is leaving out of self preservation.

Holy shit.

it hit me like a truck. I'm still mourning over Maggie and couldn't handle it so I kind of went comatose and dissassociated. I honestly couldn't handle the news enough to fully process it... the thoughts that came along with it just were too much. I checked out.

And fae checked in.
Oh yeah. Guess who's back?
I doubt for very long, but nothing strikes her fancy like some good ol' pain and grief.

Ball

I feel like I have a whole in my chest. I feel heavy. My eyes burn. I just want to sleep. And sleep. And sleep. I want to be alone but I hate to be alone and I'm terrified of being alone. the only tie I didn't feel like I have a hundred pounds on my chest is when I was hugging Brooks.

I know he isn't guiltless in the break up.  No one ever is. But he swears he won't leave. He swears he loves me. (He loves me for this moment. At least.) and in my vulnerable state (because goddamned do I feel fragile and scared and I'm down right pathetic) he makes me feel safe.


I just want to curl up into as small and tight of a ball as I possibly can and be held. Preferably by Brooks.

But he's hurting. I can't really show him how much I'm hurting because I don't want to add on to his pain. If he sees me upset he might feel guilty or get angry. I don't want to do that to him. But it seems like he's the only one that really seems to be able to comfort me.

Fucked up

tonight has been fucked up.


For one: I think the pharmacy gave me the wrong meds. The pills don't look right. They are bigger and shaped different. The color is wrong. I took it anyway because I need something but I'm a bit concerned.

Two: Brooks and maggie broke up. Maggie wants nothing to do with me now. I was one of the only people rooting for hem to stay together. I tried reaching out to her and she refuses to talk with me. Now she says she doesn't want t talk and she doesn't want my support.


I knew from the beginning that everyone will leave me. I just didn't expect her to be the first one.

It hurts. So badly. This was trial 3. And it sucks.


Everything is fucked up.

triggered

So i was authentically triggered today. We were talking about rape in class, my 9 am, and when the professor shared the story of her daughter's rape it hit me hard. She said that her daughter didn't fight back, because she knew she wasn't in danger of her life and that she wanted it to be over as fast as possible so that she could get as far from her rapist as possible.

"Just get it over as fast as possible and run away"

thats what i thought that night with Corie. I pretty much froze in fear that night until fae took over and got me out of there.

i was hit with flashbacks of the fear, distinctly remembering the situation. the fear i felt then was back. the shame that i gave into the fear was back. It was almost like i was back in that moment.

i held it together for the duration of the class but afterward i fell apart. anxiety attacks. Only i didn't have a safe place to hide and cry and be told that i was safe and okay.

instead i went to the flannigan computer lab and prayed it would be empty. it was. I curled up into as tight a ball as i could and i cried. I tried to cry out the fear and shame and anger but it didn't work. I ended up calling a friend to pick me up and take me away from campus.

I was scared to be alone. I couldn't meet anyone in the eyes. I stayed afraid. weak.

so fucking weak.

I calmed down after Jimmie came and got me because with him i knew i was safe, he could protect me. logically i knew i wasn't in danger but thats not how it felt.

he calmed me down. held me for a minute. distracted me with youtube videos and lunch.

went to see mom and finally told her about that night.

felt better after talking to her.

still feel weak. I'm exhausted.

Its never affected me this way before...

but it was her daughter's words that did it.

they triggered me.
I just pray it never happens again.

TESTS

Midterms are here.... fuck.

• race, gender, class - already taken - 78
• classical mythology - 90
• Grimm's fairytale -  
• 1000 E 5th St Greenville, NC 27858 
• (252) 558-8475
• jlrohrbaugh800@my.pittcc.edu
• Sunday Oct 8th 12-1:30
• $10 fee, plus pay for parking.... $1 per hour

•  Criminology -?

choices

so i have choices...

apply and go to grad school, get first book maybe published but definitely written. swamped with deadlines and pressure and stress for three years. i what i should do. is responsible thing to do. but i don't want to do it.

i want to run a business. I want to stay with bistro and maybe ultimatley buy into it. I want to open a witchy book and tea store with amy (maybe aaron and dakota too but def amy). I want to open the bed and breakfast with my mom. The bistro i work at, the owners want to retire soon and actually sell it over to employees and make it an employee run and owned business.

I feel like i'm destined to run my own busniess.

so.... i've decided im not going to grad school.

i'm going to work and pay off student loans. I'm going to open/run a business. and then i'm going to write.

but yeah. choices.

fairy tale class

use to study for grimms fairy tale class

https://quizlet.com/214311360/forl-2680-final-exam-complete-flash-cards/

stable mind..... but the weather isn't so sound.

so the depression seems to have passed. *whew*

but this hurricane.... i'm low key terrified.

apparently it is definitely going to hit florida..... and its already the SIZE OF florida.  So its clear we are going to get a shit ton of rain regardless of where the storm goes. which means flooding...

my mom is in a flood zone.

and if the hurricane actually hits us?

Where is she going to go? with 7 cats? I could beg hallie but i don't think she would agree to let them come.

mom would probably tell cara to stay with a friend.

I'm almost tempted to drive out and be with mom, it would be more dangerous but at least she wouldn't be alone.

but then i would have to take my cats again.

fuck.

and even if ii stay at the apartment and my mom magically finds somewhere to go....

i don't know how to prepare for this fucking storm.

I wonder if this strom is going to be trial 3 or 4.

because gods above we are all fucked if it hits.

Not off the deep end yet

So due to unforeseen circumstances and a hectic  schedule  I have missed many, if not most, of my doses of meds this past week. It's hitting me. Hard. Tuesday I had to leave work early, an s since somone was being petty it ended up ugly. Then last night it was chaotic at bistro and although I kept it together until I got off, I fell apart. My anxiety is telling me I'm going to get fired. And then last night I was suicidal.

If it was ever a question it is now clear to me that I def have not outgrown my need for my meds.  But I havnt hurt myself (thank the gods for my self control) or anyone else (which is an even bigger miracle).
 I havnt gone off the deep end. Not yet. And it can only get better from here since I've gotten to my meds again.

grad school thoughts again - EDITED

guys...i might actually have to go to iowa..... i don't know if i could afford online grad schools..... but:


https://the-artifice.com/genre-fiction-university-writing-programs/
http://www.sfwa.org/2013/01/mfa-programs-and-you/

**** MORE OPTIONS!!!!!!!

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/08/where-great-writers-are-made/306032/
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/08/the-best-of-the-best/306049/

Residencies

• http://mfaenglish.olemiss.edu/
• fully funded AND pays you stipend WITHOUT requiring you to teach.
• does it allow popular fiction - ?
• Accepts 5-6
• https://lsa.umich.edu/writers/graduate-students/prospective-students/frequently-asked-questions.html
• fully funded. monthly stipend for rent and living expenses. 
• they are critical of genre fiction, but say if it is your thing, then send it in. 
•  Accepts 12
•  https://michener.utexas.edu/program/fiction/
• each admitted student receives a Michener Fellowship of $27,500 per academic year, plus remission of all required tuition and fees. 
• does it allow genre fiction - ??
•  Accepts 6-8 (poets and fiction... so 3-4 each)

https://writersworkshop.uiowa.edu/graduate-program/graduate-program

•   $4,713 per semester - but there are lots of financial aid options that could cover up to all of the tuition, some do even more!
•  https://writersworkshop.uiowa.edu/graduate-program/financial-aid
• Accepts 25

online:

• https://www.setonhill.edu/academics/graduate-programs/writing-popular-fiction-mfa/
•   $734 per credit https://www.setonhill.edu/admissions/tuition-financial-aid/graduate-programs/tuition-fees/
• financial aid? - fafsa

• https://usm.maine.edu/stonecoastmfa/popular-fiction-stonecoast-0
•  "e tuition" price for only online $491.00.... but idk if thats what i would pay because of the week long residencies? so $1,063.00 per credit hour
•  http://usm.maine.edu/student-financial-services/tuition-and-fees
• fafsa and 3 other options to apply for. http://usm.maine.edu/scholarships#quicktabs-scholarships_qt_block=3

• http://www.western.edu/academics/graduate/creative-writing/genre-fiction/course-sequence
•  700$ per credit hour... 8400 per semester. 
•  fund raising??? so the amount they can help with is unknown
• http://www.western.edu/academics/graduate/graduate-programs-western/graduate-program-creative-writing-low-residency-mamf-14
• http://www.western.edu/academics/graduate/graduate-programs-western/graduate-program-creative-writing-low-residency-mamfa-8

• http://www.wcsu.edu/writing/mfa/MFA%20letter.asp
•   $12,607.50 - the financial aid its kinda...iffy? need to read further. 
•  http://www.wcsu.edu/registration/grad-tuition/
• http://www.wcsu.edu/writing/mfa/MFAScholarships.asp

Past few days

okay so in the past few days:

• I passed the test and now officially work as a server. And foodlion. Yay.
• I pulled a tendon in my hand and acquired $400+ in medical bills to get it checked out.
• I found out that my cruise mate aparently forgot that I sent her the information she needed back in July and hasn't made a single payment towards her half of the cruise. Ah also just got fired from her job. I might have to pay both halves and go alone. 
• Hallie turned 20.

And that's about it I think. 

textbooks fall 2017

amazon- all bought

• sophocles tragedies
• bloody chamber
• odessy

chegg - all due in december 

• classic myth
• theogany and work
• great fairy tale traditions
• taking sides crime and criminology

Not a dude

so future match is not a dude. Just a chick who is more masculine energy than feminine and who's strong god is cernnunos. Yay.

Run down

let me give you a run down; since it's been a while.


I got a second job because foodlion is wearing on my mental health. If I can memorize the menu of this second job and pass the training then j actually have the job. I start training on Friday as a preliminary type thing. When I get the job I will essentially be making wife what I make at foodlion for half the hours; which is perfect for school.


There is some big bad event coming up in my future, sometime between now and winter break that is going to pretty much rock my world and make me really look into who I am. It's going to solidify me spiritually but it's going to really hurt emotionally. But... once I start healing fro whatever event this is? I'm going to meet the jet actual "love" in my life. Not a relationship - lord knows i havnt actually been in love with most of my relationships - but my next actual love will come once I begin healing and strengthening my spirituality. Kicker? It's gonna be a dude. A witchy dude that sees me and accepts me faerie faith.

But yeah this big bad event is essentially a sucker punch I'm not going to see coming even though I know it's coming?

So; good news and bad news, and good news again.

But I've been busy. Moved into apartment; Hallie's an awesome roommate. Been working 40 hours a week. I'm always tired. mentally wearing thin. Spiritually starting to grow. Honestly just want to cuddle right now.

That's what you missed last episode in Lisa's mundane life.