Spiritual direction for myself

For context:  I personally believe that Spirit makes up everything - our souls, the gods, the spirits of everything. We can tap into Spirit to do magic, develop our spiritual gifts, and do amazing things- we are of Spirit and so we are divine. When we struggle to connect to this inner divinity we can petition the gods or spirits for help - they lack the limitations we do. They act as teachers and intermediaries who guide us through the process of finding that connection to self divinity and our purpose in life. Naturally they can also help nudge and guide us through life and keep us on course. Same with ancestors. Spirits. all can be guides, all can be friends, and all can aid us in our work because the only real difference is that we have physical form. 

I began to go to shamanic retreats as a way to seek spiritual direction without realizing thats what I was doing. It has turned into a dedicated space to let myself connect - when the connection actually clicks. It doesn't always. I was hoping that I could learn to journey and it would bring me closer to my gods and my guides; that I would feel closet to them, see them, hear them, feel them more. It seems to have done the opposite. Despite this, they have become an essential part of my life providing a designated time for myself - almost as if I need permission - to connect spiritually, they provide me with a sort of community, and I really have had life changing realizations because of them. After completing a foundations course this past month, I will actually be starting to learn how to assist with specific shamanic practices next year (such as soul retrieval, which is the first one I'll be learning in the spring). 

Why I think i need some spiritual direction... my thoughts are so discombobulated that i sort of did a stream of consciousness writing to help just get it out. I have ironically felt so disconnected from my own self as a spiritual person, despite being able to help others spiritually, that I don't really know where to begin. There are multiple things going on that just seem to braid themselves together in a sea of racing thoughts. I am so sorry. 

•  I feel strong desire TO DO SOMETHING (i don't know what) - but my cards said i don't need to deep dive and try to figure out what. it will come
• craving change, a shift,... job and housing. Why this would be good vs why this would be terrible. - struggling with change but craving it. knowing cycles need to end but being scared of what comes next. 
• energetic build up and not knowing what it is or where its going
• struggling to live in the present - i am craving to be shot into the future. But the frustration of where i am and how far away or impossible it feels. 
• i know my gods, spirits, ancestors are there. I am starting to get their messages in physical signs  yet i FEEL disconnected. like everything is quiet. Is it waiting or solitude? 
• I am changing spiritually and i don't quite understand it. There is resistance and fear to it but also an eagerness.
• I think I am having internal friction between the ecstatic/shamanistic practice i am learning and the clash with what i use to do as my practice. My pantheistic brain and polytheistic brain are fighting and causing some internal tension that seems to make me dumb, blind, and deaf to the gods and spirits around me. I am getting more nudges and signs, seeing more direct messages than I am through intuition and working with the gods. Im not sure how i can accurately describe it... its like the low buz of electricity that comes from the refrigerator ; you hear it so often that you stop "hearing" it but the moment it stops you notice. The fridge is still there but the buzz is gone. I feel like there was a low buzz i was spiritually hearing that has gone quiet. 
• I feel almost like a kid learning to ride a bike -  suddenly alarmed that i don't feel my parent's guiding hand on my back. I feel almost as if the gods have left me. Like the child, I know the training wheels are still there (my ancestors, the spirits i work with, my shamanic community that is growing) but i feel alone and unsure. Its like the more i try to open myself up to connecting to Spirit directly, the more disconnected or disassociated i feel. 
• But i KNOW my gods have not left me. Cernnunos has sent me signs to do a reading three times over the last few months. 
• I am both SO READY for change that I can physically feel coming but i also feel so unprepared and I'm not ready. Its manifesting in every facet of my life. its like i KNOW I can do things (channel through poetry/writing/song - sort of as a form of clairaudience i think) but i don't believe it. I can't feel who to channel from, who is there for me to hear. Its like a bow and arrow - i feel the tension of pulling back the string - or the desire to - but i don't know where to aim and 
• I constantly see those around me in my spiritual community and they are so advanced i get defeated. Scared that i will never live up to the expectations and desires I have for myself. I can't do the most basic of things (i struggle with energy work, I don't have "the sight", I can't sense the individual presence of the unseen the way i use to be able to).
• I struggle to find the time and space to devote myself to spiritual practice. Outside of someone seeking direction themselves and my shamanism retreats - I do not sit with Spirit regularly. I sometimes remember to do my affirmations (and i see results when i am able to actually be consistent with them) and i say my nightly prayer... but the prayer feels like i am going through the motions. There is no connection. I've lost connection to the spirits (Gods, spirit guides, nature spirits around me). I have felt this before  - during solar eclipses. Its like i am permanently stuck in the energy of an eclipse. Like the veil between worlds is getting stronger and thicker, even though i feel my own energy is getting stronger. 
• I miss my gods. I miss praying and feeling them hear me. I miss feeling the presence of the spirits I work with. I miss feeling like the prairie and the creek i visit actually greeted me when i approached. I've stopped singing to them - although I do still acknowledge them when i walk by with a verbal greeting or a kiss. 
• I feel as if I am the one invisible, unable to reach out. But i also feel my own capabilities when i focus my energy via witchcraft. My sigils hold power. My affirmations and glamour magic hold power when i am consistent. The charm i am planning on making is going to be hella powerful, I already feel the energy for it building. The few times i feel inspiration for poetry - there is power in the words. But i no longer daydream (which was a primary way the spirits would reach out to me). I feel alone. 
• I cannot seem to make myself engage in the acts that can connect me. I found out I can channel through drumming. I have always known I can channel through poetry. My clairaudience comes in when I write and mark the page. I can't control when I journey/connect with Spirit and receive messages - I am almost pulled into it.
• I am hoping that a rite of passage will help me release a lot of these doubts, strengthen my confidence in myself. That if I keep peddling the bike, unsure as I am, I'll round the corner and find them all waiting to join me again. 
• Why am I so good at providing care for others, but not myself? Why can't I follow my own damn advice. What is holding me back?

Forgive the chaos of the thoughts. They have been compounded for a while and for the first time in a long time I was still and open enough to let them emerge.