Loud

 

Days like today are when I describe my current state as Loud. 

I have so much stress physically held in my body that sex alone wasn't enough. I think I need to find some way for my body to truly relax... so i can cry. And i don't mean the leaky eye thing I did with Amy in the car. I mean... Screaming. Body wracking sobs. I need to cry until the stress has literally left my body through my eyes and voice. 

I've tried alcohol. Either I haven't had enough or it doesn't work the way i need it to. 

My emotions are loud. So many emotions. 

My thoughts are loud. 

I want pills. 

I want the sweet numbing of the brain. 

The drug induced relaxation that will allow my shoulders to un-tense and maybe the massive knots to release. 

The lowering of my emotional intensity. 

Calm.

Warm. 

Soft. 

Comfortable.

Thats what I want. Its what i need. 

I am struggling to stay sober. 

Instead. Partially to my determination to remain sober (and my momma didn't raise a quitter) and partially to the fact that I don't want to blow money on pills....

I'm going to find a new drug of choice. 

Adrenaline. 

My body is stressed. I need to scream. I need physical release...

how do I do that?

Roller coasters. 

I know this is a global pandemic. But for the sake of my sobriety and mental health - goddamit I need release. 

So I impulsively bought a year pass to busch gardens. 

I can go as many fucking times a year as I want. I get 10% off on food. The events they have are limited in time to 4 hours. I can literally take a day trip every weekend if I need to. 

I'll go by myself if no one else can go with me (although tickets are only $35 and I have free parking). I need to learn to be more independant anyway. Plus I have WANTED a pass for a while but was always reluctant to go by myself and so I havn't been for 3 years.

I won't wait on other people anymore. 

I am going to take care of myself. 

I am going to survive and get through everything no matter what the doctors say. 

I will go to different doctors if these ones won't try to help me. 

I will deal with the emotional stress and make up for the lack of daily long walks by walking miles at the park. 

and in the meantime?

I'm going to drink. 

I am going to write poetry. 

I am going to scream into the voice and sob in my car. 

I hate when my brain gets loud. 

Aine

 Aine. 

I remember the feeling of my body in flight...

followed by the harsh landing, wrists aching from trying to catch myself

as I realize the table corner was barely an inch from my skull. 

I remember the fear that crept in,

scared to move not knowing if in his drunken stupor he would follow me across the room he just threw me.

He wasn't even aware he had touched me. But that's no excuse. 

I remember, years prior,

to feeling the same levels of betrayal at the hands of someone who claimed to love me. 

The emotional and sexual abuse from a woman who thought she could cure my sexuality if she could just force me to cum. 

The PTSD still haunts me from the shadows. 

I remember words from them both, chasing each other around in my head like a merry go round. 

"You are too much to handle and not enough to satisfy me." He said it his eyes void of any emotion other than resentment. 

"If you loved me, you would let me do this. Why can't you trust me?" she said as she pried my legs apart. 

But then I met you. 

It was you who saw my tears and told me that no longer would I be the victim of abuse. 

It was you who led my way to the path of healing. 

It was you who helped me to see my own beauty and appreciate the body that I have been given in this life. 

It was you who helped me accept myself. 

It was you who helped me reclaim my right to sex and love and acceptance for myself exactly as I am. 

Your fire burned away their cruelty, your waters calmed my fears and hurts. 

I remember who it was that pulled me from the darkness 

and into the hands of those who would see me for who I am and tell me that I am enough. 

Those words, for once, came from my own lips. 

It was you. 

Heart

 My freshman year of undergrad I finally spoke up about the heart palpitations I had been having for as long as I can remember. I had known that something was wrong with my heart since I was in middle school and I found out what a palpitation was (i finally had a name for what I experienced) and that it wasn't normal. In highschool I knew something was wrong with my heart because it would literally feel like it was about to burst when I would run for tennis - it was painful but I shrugged it off. But no, I experienced excruciating pain while calmly sitting in class to the point I wondered if I was having a heart attack - after that I told my mom about the heart palpitations. 

We went to a heart specialist. I got my heart ultrasound (hella cool) but no mermer was found. It looked healthy. Rather than try to find the source of why I was having palpitations regularly, he dismissed it as anxiety and caffeine and sent me on my way. I was a scared 18 year old girl. I was nowhere near anything remotely like an adult. I was 18 but I felt 12. My mom didn't look satisfied, but how could she argue with a doctor? A specialist? 

I was hurt. The doctor didn't take me seriously and brushed me off. But I knew. I knew something was wrong. Every palpitation after that I tried to convince myself I didn't feel it. I got so good at it that I honestly forgot about them as soon as they happened. But over the past 6 months I have noticed them getting worse. No longer were they small enough to ignore. I even mentioned it to my mom, who encouraged me to go back to the doctor. I didn't. 

Here's the thing... because of that one experience? I hate going to the doctor. Every time I can feel that something is off or wrong in my body - I am too scared that a doctor won't believe me. I am terrified of the words "it just happens''. That's what I have been telling myself about my vertigo for over a year. 

Are you ready for the kicker?

I was right. I sent in my DNA for genetic testing for health... and I have a heart condition. I have SQT syndrome (short QT) - which causes arrythmias (palpitations, racing heart, skipped beats). It has some connection to sudden cardiac death (your heart just stops beating for a moment) but that is more often found with Long QT syndrome so I am less at risk. However, arrhythmias increase the risk of stroke. However this is not the condition connected to sudden death or heart attacks. I literally just have an irregular heartbeat randomly. 

Unfortunately it does not seem to be connected to my vertigo - so no answers there. Although I do go see a specialist about that next week. I know my palpitations are connected to stress. But with the stress of finally acknowledging my vertigo... my heart has been flaring up too. My palpitations have been stronger, longer, and more uncomfortable. I've started to have chest pain outside of the palpitations. 

I told my doctor.... and I'm going in for an EKG today. Didn't doubt me. 

I could cry.

I have been carrying  so much hurt and frustration and confusion for 8 years... the validation mixing with those emotions are overwhelming. I keep having crying fits over it. And now, without missing a beat (pun intended) my current doctor/nurse was like "come in. let's look at this"

Seriously want to cry. 

I hope the ear-nose-throat doctor is more like my primary physician and less like the cardiologist. 

The semester workload planning

* I know this is sure to change... 

Every week:

- a poetry assignment due by monday night. 

- Discussion boards due before monday night 

- 140 pages of reading each week for Policy & Planning (read 4 days a week 35 pages each... or divide by article?) 

- Weekly Summary Policy & Planning (500+ words...thats only a page... thats good.)

Every other week:

- Case Study (research and 15 minute presentations)

*Module 3 has 3 fucking case studies. 

- Opinion Paper on Module (only 1500 words. thats what... 3 pages?)

Weekly schedule General (each week will vary because of how I have to break the modules down)

Wk 1

Monday: P&P Reading + Recharge the spell

Tuesday: Poetry Class & Any Poetry assignments for the next week. 

Wednesday: P&P Reading + Recharge the spell ritual 

Thursday: Walk or Gym. Take a Breather. 

Friday P&P Reading + Recharge the king

Saturday: P&P reading (light) & weekly summary. Any Poetry DB comments needed. D&D <3 Gym/walk?

Sunday: P&P (light) maybe. Take a day to breathe. 

Wk 2

Monday: P&P Reading + Recharge the spell

Tuesday: Poetry Class & Any Poetry assignments for the next week. 

Wednesday: P&P Reading + Recharge the spell ritual 

Thursday: Walk or Gym. Take a Breather. 

Friday P&P Reading & Case Study + Recharge the king

Saturday: Opinion Paper & weekly summary. Any Poetry DB comments needed. D&D <3 Gym/walk?

Sunday: P&P (light) maybe. Take a day to breathe.

*** Try to do the summaries at work as I read? See if I can do any of the reading while at work sneakily? 

*** Try to research for the case study presentation at work. That way I only have to actually make and record the presentation on friday. 

terrorist attack

**I wrote this a two days after the attack and edited it since I am posting it almost a week later. Forgive me if I missed a time marker. 

Can we just stop and talk about the fact that last week there was a domestic terrorist attack and now its like it didn't even happen?

Wednesday, January 6th, President Donald Trump incited a mob of his supporters to attack the Capitol Building in DC to stop the electoral college votes from being counted, confirming Biden's win, and demand that the presidency be given to Trump. He insisted that the victory was stolen from him and that he had blatantly won. When he in fact blatantly lost both the electoral college vote and by popular vote. He insisted them to storm the building and stop the legal transfer of power. 

The mob of supporters rushed the capitol building, broke through the barley present defences of the capitol police, TOOK SELFIES with some of the officers when they breached the inside of the building, and proceeded to riot inside. Confederate flags were put up inside the building, along with Trump flags, and even a nazi flag... after tossing the American flag to the ground. These were the people that Ivanka Trump called "Patriots". 

Congress members and supporting staff who were not able to evacuate in time had to huddle together, lie on the floor with gas masks, and pray for their lives and safety as the police guarding the doors aimed their guns and waited. One woman trying to break in through a window was shot, and later died - she served as a member of the air force and died a traitor. 

Somehow those that were able to breach the building ransacked, destroyed, and vandalized the building and offices managed to go in and come back out to brag about it to the rest of the horde without consequence. While overall there was little physical violence other than the terrorists fighting DC police with bats, flag poles, and pepper spray - the fear and threat were clear as day. This was a blatant attack on the democracy America is known for. This was a spit in the face of an actual fair election. This was a trump-supporting cult deciding they wanted to start a "revolution" and take the country's leadership by force for the man they idolize and blindly follow. Donald Trump knew exactly what he was doing, did, and only slightly retracted his stance when he saw that this coup attempt would not work. Overall multiple pipe bombs were found, along with molotov cocktails, and illegal guns. 

This was not a protest. This was not a riot. Those things I can understand. 

This was an attack on the legislative branch of the government. This was an attempted seizure of power by force. This was a show of power and intimidation, with words from Virginian Senators and overheard conversations from the mob by the press, insinuating this won't be the last one. This was a start. 

This was a fucking terrorist attack, not a protest. 

The fact that this was handled as anything less fills me with both rage and fear. Rage that extreme violence was brought on those who marched and protested peacefully (and after the violence started turned to riots - INSTIGATED by police and trump supporters taking advantage of causing chaos to slander the enemy) but the most the terrorists met was pepper spray and a little bit of tear gas. Most were able to get away with no consequences. 

Nothing was done to discourage another attack or show of violence and sedition. That's what I am afraid of. They will run off, lick their wounds, and come back worse. This country, which has been going down the shitter since Obama was first elected and the racist and hate filled folk began to make their presence more known. Once Trump was elected in 2016 I knew it was too far gone. Now, even as he has lost this election the IDEA of what he embodied is still going strong and may now only grow stronger as they feel they are facing injustice. 

I need to get my passport and seriously consider moving to another country. This is actually doable for me with my degree, I just have to make sure I have enough saved up to allow me to gain entry; getting a work visa shouldn't be too hard. 

Places to Consider:

US Territories:

- Guam - Visa Needed -  BIG military take over, LGBT safe, BCBS is accepted there.

Am. Samoa and the CNMI are not LGBT friendly nor would I be able to get my meds. 

Majority English Speaking Countries to Whittle Down:

- Austria * - amazing healthcare. Very cold winter but decent summer (think NYC), LGBT safe (https://www.internations.org/go/moving-to-austria)  30-80

- Australia *41 low - 91+ weather. good health care. LGBT safe.

- Denmark  - 20F-80F

- Gibraltar - economy based on tourism!? (civil union, but safe), health care... Ehic like autria?

50F-80+

- Malta - big on tourism, Ehic like austria? 40F-90+F

- Netherlands - universal + private

25F-80

- New Zealand - public - inland 20F, but most is moderate 40F-80

- Norway - once you hit a certain amount, the rest is free. 25F-65F

- Republic of Ireland - public + private - generally stays around 50F year round. 

- UK - universal - 40F - 65

Healthcare, LGBT rights, and Weather are used to whittle this list down at first. 

Capricorn Dominance Taking Over (money talk)

TAX INFO

Form I will need:

- W-2 tax document for work avail: Mid Jan. 

- 1098-T tallies expenses paid to the college or university, -- Pirate Port avail: Jan 31 (fuck)

- 1098-E summarizes student loan interest payments - Great Lakes Avail: Jan 14

- 1095-A Health Insurance --- Healthcare.gov: already available. 

okay so.... I can't file my taxes until Jan 31 at the earliest because of school. 

and for the stimulus check I DIDNT FUCKING GET

"Taxpayers will see unclaimed stimulus funds referred to as the Recovery Rebate Credit on Form 1040" (https://abc11.com/stimulus-check-payment-status-not-available-irs-get-my-working-recovery-rebate-credit/9403280/)

So it should... show up there? I don't know if i need a form for it or not? "page 2, line 30 - draft version" (https://www.thetaxadviser.com/issues/2021/jan/claiming-recovery-rebate-credit-2020-individual-returns.html)

That should be $600. I swear to the gods if it shows less I'm going to have a goddamned panic attack. 

Expenses to claim on school refund: 

Textbooks spring & fall 2020

1003.45

------------

Money going out:

Why am I stressing this right now? Because all my fucking expenses compounded all at once. 

In the last 3 days of Dec and the first 4 days of January (so basically all of this in a single damn WEEK) has been paid/left my account:

- Car inspection - 25

- Car taxes - 275

- unexpected medical bill - 196

- Tire replacement - 96

- rent - 475

- phone - 49

- health insurance - 97

----------------------------------------

thats a total of  1213 in the past fucking week. 

I AM STRESSED. 

Granted, the rent was expected, as was the inspection and taxes. 

usually my phone bill comes out later in the month. I forgot that my health insurance went up almost $40 bucks. the unexpected expenses.... 

So I was surprisingly hit with $381 in expenses that I was not prepared for. 

My bank account is FAR lower than I find comfortable. 

While I do get paid tomorrow, I also have to pay my utilities bill by the 12 ($85 but I think I can try to get that lower next month), internet bill $45 as well as my car payment and insurance ($300) are due on the 15th. 

---------------

Money Coming in: School Refund Money 4400

- Option 1

4, 400.

-856.75 to Josh's mom to pay her back for fixing my car. 

- 1000 go to savings 

- 500 to credit (My credit balance is 950. that will bring it down to 450)

-350 for new tires on my car goddamn it. 

- 1000 back to the student loan co.

- 193.25 to Cara to help her. 

- 475 month ahead in rent. 

-----------

25 left over for just my account. 

- Option 2:

 

4400

- 856.75 to josh's mom.

-1425 (3 months rent) (This will allow me to pay $200 a month on credit = 600 off of credit and bolter up my account)

- 800 to savings (but will be able to add an additional $100 for those 3 months)

- 1000 back to the loan people. 

- 118.25 to cara. 

- 300 for new tires. 

-------------

0

Or should I be more responsible....

- Option 3:

4400

-856.75 josh's mom repayment 

-800 savings

-1500 back to loan co

- 100 to help cara

- 300 new tires

- 475 for a month ahead in rent. 

- 368.25 to credit.  (bringing it down to just over 500)

-----------------

0

New Years

I have seen a few of these so I figured I could do one myself. 

2020 Recap for me:

- was in a happy relationship with Viking boy

- Death of a friend

- Covid 19 robbing me of the summer with friends and being out and about. 

- Viking boy dumped me. 

- stalked and almost attacked 

- shootout at the apartments, found dead body

- formed a new dynamic with viking boy rather than cutting him out of my life that SO FAR has worked

- Moved into a place all on my own for the first time.

- Started working with Lilith and trying to develop a new approach to life. 

- realized I have a vertigo problem and actually went to the doctor about it

- very sad holiday season.

What I will leave behind:

- My dependency on being in a relationship and being against "flings"/casual dating. 

- My dependence on roommates to help my financially

- letting myself be uncomfortable/ putting myself in situations i don't want to be in. 

- remaining silent on things that bother or upset me 

- letting people cross boundaries

- fear.avoidance/giving into ptsd symptoms... which means i need to start going for walks by myself again... in the light. 

What are some things that I know are coming for me in 2021:

- Financial Independence 

- Stronger friendship bonds

- Graduation from Grad School

- Hopefully a direction I want to go in as far as career and where I want my life to go moving forward. (emphasis on the WHERE... where will I move in 2022?)

- a healthier lifestyle. I need to start cooking more again. It's just so strange cooking for one person. I want to go to the gym but with the pandemic I know my coworkers would not be okay with that. 

- A laissez faire approach to dating. What happens, happens, but I'm not going to be expressly looking for a person. It's pretty much been decided that what i need is an undefined relationship... doesn't need to be classified as casual.. but also doesn't have big future plans. I literally need a person that everything is taken day by day with but still forms the emotional attachments and such with. It could have the potential to be long lasting or the potential to be a fling... the point is not to worry about it. also min of 3 months together before agreeing to a relationship if that were to happen. which... given that i am trying to leave the state... a serious relationship wouldn't make much sense. 

- Hopefully I will develop some discipline when it comes to spirituality.... My spiritual direction right now is self improvement. I need to actually work on that. I need to be out in nature by myself more. Meditate in it. Read books in it. do readings in it. I need to BE OUTSIDE, and focused.