Financial aid thoughts

3362.50 in financial aid
2087.47 in financial liabilities.....


My car loan is now at 2,250.
My credit card is now 1397

my savings is at 700.

Pay 1000 to the car loan... makes that 1,250.
Pay 1000 to the credit card... makes that 397.

1362 left so let’s boost the savings back up to 1000...

That gives me 1000 left to add to my checking account.


Then I get to pay taxes and buy textbooks. Yay.

But first?

I NEES THE FUCKING REFUND TO HIT MY ACCOUNT

Happy

im happy. I think he’s happy.  We’re happy.

I adore him.

He’s so silly, put weirdness just matches.

Everyday is just fun and an adventure..

Today we run errands and I bet you it’s going to be a blast.

I feel sick

I feel sick. My body feels heavy like it’s made of lead, but I also feel hollow. I want to cry but I can’t. I want to scream but I can’t. I don’t have the energy to move out of bed and yet I can’t fall asleep.

I want to talk to Jimmie. I want to shake him. I want to hug him. I want to make him feel what I feel, but I can’t. I can’t even really put how I feel into words.

I haven’t eaten much today, 4 pieces of sushi, 4 chicken bites, a bowl of ramen and a bowl of miso soup. I have only had  3 glasses of tea to drink. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. My body has had enough and I feel sick. Feverish. My head hurts and all I want is comfort.

Sleep. Actually I’ll take sleep over anything else right now.

stupid mistake

i've fought with Jimmie. talked with Ayla. broken empty bottles and bludgeoned two defenseless packing boxes.

i have felt a roller coaster of emotions today. Betrayal. Intense anger. Regret. Sorrow. Fear. Irritation. Protectiveness.

now i'm just weary.

or am I numb?

Ive listened to people tell me how this entire situation is fucked up. How manipulative Jimmie has been. How hes a liar. A Coward. Selfish. How he treated us like chess pieces. objects. How both Ayla and I deserve better. I have debated leaving him and staying and leaving and staying...

and according to mike i'm about to make a big fucking stupid mistake.

Because as upset as i am with him, as angry as i have gotten, as hurt...

i still don't want to leave him.

however i am going to confront him about a few things.

• if its so easy for him to lie to her like that, several times, what prevents him from lying to me?
• As cruel as how he went about doing this.. Maggie says that he loves me and wants her, what he did was definitely wrong, but in a grey way because he did it for the right reason. I don't know if i agree with her
• the fact that he used me in a lie in such a way another person was hurt unnecessarily from it.    I. am. not. a. scapegoat.
• the fact that he was still trying to think of a way to keep us both despite the fact that i said i wasn't okay with it. It makes me think like he doesn't actually care or respect how i feel...

essentially.... how can i trust him and how can i be with him if he doesn't respect me. 

then there is the fact that i have to wonder.... will he even be content or satisfied with just me? Am i enough?

how he answers these questions will determine if i go to bed single or not. 

FUCK THIS

So I wake up this morning from nightmares. I know what them stem from. My anxiety over possibly losing my job at Foodlion and over the fact that Jimmie has t broken up with Ayla yet. On top f that none of my alarms went off and I was running late, when I see... Ayla texted me.


She said:  I’m hella sleep deprived and way to emotional to be messaging you this but Lisa. It has been a week. If you are not going to talk to jimmie I need you to talk to me. Remember this started as communication and I need to know what you are thinking because Jesus this is just stressful and straining to all of us. And it’s break time! Like I understand that emotions are not easy or soft for you but you should have talked to me about this before it was this bad. Drunk ayla can respect clear boundaries, and I’m sorry that it upset you but this is stressing all of us the fuck out.



Fuck this.

Jimmie wanted till the end f the week,  he had it. Now I’m acting. I have censored and not posted on my blog ALL WEEK because he asked me not to, in case Ayla read it. I had to block her from my Snapchat so that I could post about us seeing starwars because he didn’t want her to know.

Was that his grand fucking pan? Just say that I was giving the cold shoulder and he didn’t know what to do or how to act because I wasn’t talking? I didn’t know how he was managing to draw it out so long, she’s not stupid, I figured she had to have known it was coming... but no. He just kept her anxiously in the dark. That asshole. That poor girl.

I’m going to tell her everything. She deserves to know.

She deserves to know that Monday night everything was decided.

He chose me. Before I even started talking to him. I didn’t ask him to chose. I didn’t tell him I was going to leave. He just chose.

She deserves to know that I have been with Jimmie every day this week.
She deserves to know that he was keeping this from her.
She deserves the fucking truth.

I’m going to tell her my perspective from that night.
Explain why it hurt me so badly.

And goddamn it!!!

I am so pissed.

I should have just trusted my instincts and talked to her myself... but no. Jimmie wanted to do it at the end of the week. Week has passed and he didn’t do it.

So now I am.

And then after I have my conversation with her, he and I wil have one.

Fuck this. Fuck all f this.

And she needs to wake the fuck up and read the goddamned messages so that all of the air will be cleared.


I am so fucking pissed that she thinks I would be so petty as to be silent for a week over something like that. Of coarse I would talk about it as soon as I fucking calmed down.

Ugh. AND I HAVE SIX DAYS OF PENT UP EMOTIONAL ENWRGY OVER BLOGS I HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO WRITE AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A VOLCANO THAT NEEDS TO ERUPT ONLY I CANT.

Catch 22

I’m in a catch 22 situation. Or should I say Jimmie is?

The only way to ensure that Jimmie doesn’t have to chose one girl over the other is for me to leave him. Gods the thought of that makes me want to puke.

But this opened up a can of worms that cannot be closed again.
And he has the potential not not only hurt me, but destroy me. I’m talking about the same level Jake  did. Remember that? Took me over 2 years to recover.

My brain is telling me to protect myself. How? Leave before he can do it.

But that’s going to hurt. So bad. Both me and him. At least Ayla could comfort him.

On the other hand...

I tell him this. And he either agrees and I leave... or he breaks up with Ayla. This would hurt her, and hurting her would hurt him on top of the pain of losing her would cause. Causing him so much pain is going to hurt me. Plus he could grow to resent me for it. I don’t want that.


So either way both of us are going to hurt. It’s just a matter of who’s going to end up hurting more...

And I just feel guilty. And scared.

My chest hurts. But I can’t be a coward... I have to do it tonight. I will stress about it until I work myself into a frenzie.

Oh gods this is going to hurt.

Catch 22.

Guilty

I feel guilty about being upset with Jimmie.

I keep going back and forth between being mad at him and feeling guilty about being mad. I couldn’t look at him this morning because I was hurt and I didn’t want him to really see how hurt I was. I didn’t want to look at him because I was mad at him. And I didn’t want to look at him because I could see how bad he felt.

I snapped him from the hotel and wish I hadnt. He snapped back and his face looks the exact same. It’s his eyes. You know the look a puppy has when you spark it for doing wrong as it knows it’s been bad but it still wants to love you even after you smack it for shutting on the floor? Yeah. He has that look. He looks like a puppy I’ve kicked. He’s in pain because of me.

Mind you. I’m in pain too.

But I hate this feeling. I hate being mad at him and I hate that I’m hurting. I’m not going to make him choose. I refuse to be that person. It would hurt him to have to give her up when he has feelings for her and it would hurt him to hurt her.

But I’m not okay. Last night just made it too obvious to me just how much I’m not okay with what’s going on. I was doing a passing job of keeping things handled and closed up inside... but last night opened the can of worms and I can’t get them back in.

I honestly don’t know what to do. And I need to figure it out. Because I don’t think I can be around him while I’m feeling like this and I already miss him. I missed him as soon as I drove away this morning.

My heart hurts. I’ve caused so much drama and problems and now someone is going to end up really hurt. And it’s my fault.


I knew I would fuck this up and now I have.


But I don’t want to walk away.
Gods above what do I do.