open

so i talked to Corie.

she pretty much said w had 2 main options:

1.Break-up
2. Have an open relationship

now..Corie isn't one to have sex with strangers/one-night-stands. Which means there will be emotions involved. which would either lead to a poly-relationship or me and her breaking up.

if i'm being open.. i don't think i can do it.

I'm not a jealous person. And i think its because i trust the person i'm dating and don't worry about it.

but sharing her? in a relationship?
just thinking about it makes me jealous....

which would lead to us breaking up.


not going to lie, as soon as i pulled away from her apartment i almost started crying.


but i talked to my mom.

she suggested that i get my hormones checked. she said "its like you're stuck in a twelve year old's body when it comes to that" and i agree.

so i'm going to try to figure out how and when to get my hormones tested.
if they are unbalanced.... i'll see about fixing it.
if i'm balanced and "normal".... then my life just got a hell of a lot harder.

seriously...

if corie and i do end up breaking up?

if i see a girl, there is a 50/50 chance she is into other girls. then 1/2 that because she may be in a relationship.  then 1/2 that for her chance of liking me and 1/2 that for the chance i like her.

thats 6.25% chance.... THEN half that to see if she is ok with an almost sex-less relationship.
3.125% chance of me finding a potential mate.

fml.

spectrum pt 4: corie

how do i explain this to corie?

i mean... she knows that my bod is "weird" and "odd".
she knows i don't really crave sex the way she does.
she is learning to read me/my body to know when its ok to do stuff (or, she is trying to)

do i even need to tell her that my weirdness has a name?
would it help her at all?

do i need to tell anyone?

I mean... mom and cara already think i'm weird. they, like corie, know i don't really have an interest in sex.

i tried to explain to them what asexuallity is, it came up in conversation, and they both had negative reactions. pretty much a thats-weird-is-that-even-possibly-that-makes-no-sense-those-people-need-help kind of way.

so...aside from this blog.... should i even bother to tell anyone?

Maybe Kenzie... she is an asexual who likes sex. funny how i know 2 asexuals.

idk.

i think its ok that i keep saying i'm a lesbian....

for now.

i'm a grey sexual lesbian?


*** moment of panic just hit me

oh gods....oh god oh god...

what if corie breaks up with me because of this?
she is a highly sexual person.
i'm definitley not.

its caused tension before..

i've already said i think it will cause her to leave me.

now that i know i'm not the only one like this, i will grow more confident in myself.
i'll stop beating myself up over it (ha thats a lie... i'll just get through it like i did when i realized i like girls.)

but my confidence will grow...

what if it causes more tension?
and she breaks up with me because of it?

SHIT.

spectrum: I'M NOT ALONE (Grey - A)

i'm not alone in this.

i'm not the only one who feels this way about sex.

i messaged my asexual friend and she told me to look somethign up... "Grey-A" or grey asexuality.
its on the asexuality scale.

i pulled up some articles:

• But where do gray-sexual people really differ from sexual people? “Personally when I am in a  sexual relationship, I notice that I never initiate, my partner can physically arouse me and then I’ll go with it but before that happens it just doesn’t really occur to me” http://www.thefrisky.com/2011-11-22/what-it-means-to-be-gray-sexual/

Q: What is Grey-Asexuality?  A sexual orientation on the asexual spectrum in which one experiences sexual attraction rarely, only under specific circumstances, without libido, or not strongly enough to act on. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=graysexual

Grey-A is a term that describes a broad range of folks who DO experience sexual attraction, but they have "asexual-like" traits, such as a low sex-drive, a lack of desire to act on sex, or limited attraction, among other things. https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120716181740AAp6J18

Asexuality and sexuality are not black and white; some people identify in the gray (spelled "grey" in some countries) area between them. People who identify as gray-A can include, but are not limited to those who:

          -do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes
          -experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive
          -experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them
          -people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific                circumstances http://asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A

• How can someone be “Gray”?  You’re either asexual or you’re not.  :  Is it clear where you fit if you’ve only felt sexual attraction once in your entire life, then never again?  Is it clear where you fit if you occasionally feel something that could potentially be sexual attraction, but it’s so weak that a passing breeze is enough to make it stop?  Is it clear where you fit if you’re sometimes sexually attracted to people and you like sex, but don’t feel any drive to seek it out and would be fine without it?  Is it clear where you fit if you’re not sure what sexual attraction even is, let alone whether or not you’ve felt it?  Gray-asexuals live in this land of confusion. http://www.asexualityarchive.com/under-the-ace-umbrella/

guys.

this is me.

it makes so much sense.

i want to cry.

spectrum thoughts continued

this post branches from my last.

since i'm already talking about how weird i am in the sexual sense...

i don't understand why people are so into it.

i don't see the appeal.

i don't see why people crave it.

i don't see why people feel the desire.

i just don't get it.

i get that it feels good...

but so does a hot bath.

if its the physical connection, then why is it any better than cuddling?

i just don't understand it.

at all.

i get that its something that is good for the body.

and if conditions are right, then yes my body craves it...i guess.

but its not some insatiable urge, nor is it hard for me to shut it off.

i can go from "turned on" to "off" very quickly. in a matter of seconds. while in the middle of having sex.

it has happened.

i don't intend to, but it just happens.

i don't see why people want to cause that kind of reaction in others.

has horrible as it sounds.... i don't really understand it, unless its a power thing.

I don't mind doing something to my partner because its something they want.
i don't particularly feel the desire to do anything sexual with them without prompting.

but.

as horrible as it sounds...

sex can be used to manipulate.

certain sounds, looks, and behavior cause different reactions in the other person.
knowing what to do or say to bring that other person pleasure is a powerful thing.

being able to bring about the reaction that you want, gives you power over that person.
having an effect on the other person, gives you power.

thats the only way i can understand it.

ok... so say that this is the way that person A thinks.
person B enjoys pleasing others.
A can manipulate things so that B feels in control and is getting their desired results.
that fact that B feels that way is the desired result of A.

its all a mental thing to me.
sex is manipulation.

thats the only appeal i see in it?

this isn't how a normal person is with sex.

from what i gather most people want sex because it feels good to them and they want to make the other person feel good.

i get that... but i don't. i understand the logic of it but i don't particularly feel the same.

why.
am.
i.
so.
fucking.
weird?

sexual spectrum

they say that sexual orientation really isn't "this" or "that". its a spectrum.

i've been thinking over it...

ive mentioned multiple times that i have a very low labido. i don't crave sex. i don't get turned on/horny unless someone does something to trigger it and even then its iffy.

I am attracted to women... = lesbian
i have the potential to fall in love with anyone = panromantic
low to non existent sex drive = asexual???

now i know i'm not asexual.

But i'd say that maybe i'm borderline.

i don't crave sex
i don't really like to hear about it, although learning about it is interesting (from a academic POV)
although i wouldn't say i dislike sex...well... its complicated.

it feels good. but its so intense.
i almost feel like its more work than its worth.

honestly.

which would i rather:

cuddling vs sex = cuddling
kissing vs sex = kissing
(hug vs kissing = hug
cuddling vs kissing = depends, but usually cuddle)
movie vs sex = movie
swinging vs sex = swinging <3
watching anime vs sex = anime
hot make out vs sex = just a make out sesh.
school vs sex = school

i don't dislike sex.... but see a pattern here?

sex isn't a bad thing... but its not something i would go out of my way to experience on a regular basis.

it just happens in a mature relationship. because its something my partner likes.

its this mentality that makes me think on the spectrum of sexuality i border between lesbian and asexual.

i have an asexual friend that i kind of want to talk to about it... but kind of like me, sex really isn't something she likes to talk about and i don't want to make her uncomfortable.

now while i'm on the topic.....

Hannibal S3 Ep8 THE RED DRAGON

i think this one might be the last episode of the season....

WHHHAAAATTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ugh. i dislike the red dragon.... now i can add this to the list of why,.

what the hell is this guy doing? oh. he's jst working out.

oh look...tattoo tool.

sweet kid. ahhh it must e from hannibal's memory palace.

3 years later? my goodness.

bloom? what in the word....

ah. congrats.. you won't be killed because you plead "insane"

"enough people have died" "you didn't" "a promise in waiting... one you intent to keep" "i always keep my promises"

Hannnibal.... let her live.... i don't wanna see alana die.

ugh. red dragon... you bore me.


ohmygod.... was that his blood or his victim's? or was that a vicitm?

oooooo.... saying hannibal is no longer interesting...
ahh they are talking about "the tooth fairy" ... which is the red dragon.

oh! Alana! you run the baltimore hospital! and you have short hair?
hehe. hannibal wrote something to tear down chilton xD

ah. chilton wants to ensight competition between dragon and hannibal...

dude. what the hell. <--towards the dragon

aw... thats right... molly and parker... Will has a girlfiend and she has a son... <3

will has more dogs... <3

jack, he last time you said that (to alana) he ended up in prison nearly insane.

wait wait wait... will. is that a WEDDING RING on your finger???

OH SHIT that letter was for will from hannibal!! and he's actually being a friend... aw <3 and who says sociopath's can't care.
buuuuut that also mean hannibal knows where will lives.


see...the red dragon kills kids. Hannibal doesn't. i really don't think he could, because of mischa. he likes kids. at least his character does..idk if they will come up in the show. hm.

but most damage was to the parents. the children were disposed of quickly.

poor will..

note to self: never have a glass back door.

DAMN PAPA BEAR that paternal instinct is amazing.

"obnoxious flame haired woman who was trying to take pictures" - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH THATS PRECIOUS. Freddie.

ITS THE BOYS <3 *que "they boys are back in town" * and they're special agents! <3

oh. i resist the urge to gag at the eye part.

"snaggletooth" HAHAHAHAHA.

ugh. dragon...can they go ahead and catch you please.

i love all the intense imagery of this show.
oh coarse he notices the dog.

"i have to see hannibal"

DUH DUH DUHHHHH

i love his mind palace. always so beautiful.

****** THIS IS NOT THE LAST EPISODE <3
they are just airing the episodes on saturadays xD so i can watch it sunday!

welcome to elfland

i. want.this.CD.

it isn't out yet... they are only giving it away at their shows...that i know of. so idk how i will egt it...


but this band.

is all about the fae.

omg.

watch their interviews...

their vlogs...

their music...

i'm in love.

SeeD <- thats the band.

they are amazing.