2 important updates - update 1

 Two Updates to report. 

The First:

Friday I was given notice at work; I've made too many mistakes and I've been too off task. One more mishap and I will be let go. 

I have a lot of feelings about this. 

1) Panic. Pure Panic. I have never been fired before. I don't know how this will affect my future. I'm moving in 3-5 months; what kind of job will hire me for that?

2) Irritation; on one hand if they actually gave me enough tasks to be "be on" then I wouldn't ever be off task. I'm sorry I can't sit and do nothing but stare out of a window for hours on end. If they think me going back to staring out of a window for hours is going to reduce my mistakes they are mistaken - it will in fact do the opposite. (Without enough to do, I hyperfocus. When I hyperfocus but get interrupted [ by the phone - it's always the phone] my brain goes blank and THAT is where I make mistakes. But If I am constantly busy, then I multitask and don't hyperfocus. 

NOT TO MENTION that they moan about needing someone in bindery, experienced or willing to learn, yet every time I ask to be taught or if I can help in bindery I get told "no, we need you up front". OBVIOUSLY I don't seem to be doing that great upfront!

3) Rage; yes I have been making mistakes lately. But I know one of the major contributing factors is that there was a REALLY big order that we had to do for free because of miscommunication and bad time management... the miscommunication was NOT on my end as after I took the initial order and initial graphics new information and graphics were sent to another person, and I was no lumber connected to or had anything to do with the order other than being notified that everything was then being sent to this other person. But guess who everyone found a way to blame it on. 

4) Indignation; I should have fucking left them when I had the chance. But they were/are suffering and floundering ever since Matthew, and let's face it - Madison, left. I didn't want to screw them up anymore than what was already happening, especially because if I left another coworker said she was going to leave. She probably still will leave when I'm fired and she has to do what I do as well, since I have to help her through taking orders and understanding how to write certain things up. 

5) Annoyance;.... Really? I will move in 3 months. You can't wait 3 months? You say I'm too important to take away from the front but can't wait just 3 months to fire me?

...

So I have applied to a call center; I won't feel bad about leaving that in 3-5 months. 

I've applied to a bank teller job here in greenville; it will at least pay me better than what I make here (which I desperately need) and I should be able to transfer to another branch after I move. 

I also applied for a bank teller manager position in Wilmington; I really hope I get that one because ideally I would train at and then work a regular teller job in a greenville branch and then have the higher job when I move. 

I've also got Mary Beth's mom going through her network to see about finding me a cheaper place to live in Wilmington/Leland which would be a godssend. 

Because even just having my rent as low as 750 instead of 850 means I could get approval for an apartment while making only 27000; although I would aim to make more. That's $520 a week to get approval for a place to live. Anything lower than that in rent and I would be golden. 

But yeah, that's update 1. 

DID OR OSDD: DOES IT MATTER? by Carolyn Spring | 5 August 2020

I just read an article about OSDD and DID, the differences, and similarities... and I can only say that it was one of the most reassuring things I have read. 

 here is the link if you want to read it. If you are an important person in my life, then I would appreciate it if you would take the time to read it. 

https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/did-or-osdd-does-it-matter/?unapproved=1631176&moderation-hash=7a8651e9eeca0184139b271ed446e9f6#comment-1631176

I have been made by others to feel invalid. I have struggled with placing my alters because there is less distinction between them than some of the others I have seen in people. 

I've recently learned that I have more selves/alters than I thought, as before anytime I felt someone who wasn't 100% me, I just grouped in with Fiona. I know now that is not the case thanks to the help of some other friends who have OSDD as well. 

i am a spectrum. A scale. 

One one end I have a self that Fiona calls "the flower child". She herself has not taken a name. 

Both my friends and several other people I have met online have named their systems so I feel its fair to do so as well. 

The Court System

Seelie Court/Unseelie Court

100/0 - Flower Child

90/10 - Flower Child

80/20 - Flower Child

70/30 - "Seelie Lisa"

60/40 - ***This is my natural state most days  ------

50/50 - *** this is a natural state most days.          II- Lisa

40/60 - ***this is a natural state most days.     ------

30/70 - "Unseelie Lisa"

20/80 - Fiona **Fiona's usual state. 

10/90 - Fiona

0/100 - Fiona and I have VERY fuzzy to no memory. 

Fiona is very distinctly different from me. Flower Child... she is less strikingly different but she is different enough that I can tell when I'm her, my thinking changes, and I sometimes don't recognize my own name. Fiona and I have cohabitation for so long that she can pretend to be me so well almost no one can spot her. 

There is also a "little" inside me who doesn't ever come out and who doesn't speak. My friends brought her out once and she was scared. No distinct age, but younger. She had very bad handwriting and didn't like being in the spotlight. 

90% of the time I am me. Generally the farthest I get is Seelie/Unseelie Lisa; Fiona goes in and out of "sleep" as she is mostly preoccupied with threats, danger, and survival. She was asleep for most of my relationship with Dalton, as she entrusted my safety to him. She is awake now. 

mixed feelings

 Mixed feelings

It is not uncommon for me to question my attachments when I make new friends as to the nature of my affections; is this a squish (when you REALLY like someone in a platonic way) or a crush (when you REALLY like someone in a romantic way)? Generally all I am aware of is that I feel really affectionate for the person in question. 

It becomes even more of a question as to how I feel when the new friend is queer. 

It is so odd that when I make queer friends that i just absolutely love, I want to kiss them or feel comfortable with the idea of it. It's not sexual in nature at all. It's not like I want to jump into bed with them, although i'm not sure how I would react if that was poised. #thankyoutrauma 

But I've recently grown really close with 3 queer friends, like really close. Especially with 2 of them. One I really enjoy just cuddling with and holding hands, platonic love is there. If they wanted kisses? For sure would provide, but it is definitely a platonic love/attraction. 

The other has an energy about them that has caused me some confusion... I experience sensual attraction to them that makes me question if it is a crush or just a squish. 

I get along with the third and I feel more of a platonic affection for them, although depending which alter is fronting that can change to a sensual attraction as well. 

Confusion. 

Platonic is blatant friendship. 

When sensual attraction gets mixed in... it's still a friendship for sure, but then I do not know if I am developing a crush or not. I am in confusion. 

I don't think I am developing romantic feelings but I definitely have a lot of love for them. I am comfortable with the idea of cuddling, kissing, etc. but I still feel platonic affection at the moment. It could also be a power dynamic thing too... this person is a dominant and its been a while since I had someone I could be bratty with even platonically and just for fun. 

lots of mixed feelings. 

Haunted - PTSD Poem

 Haunted

I remember blackening vision... freezing cold, my skin exposed.  

my body still as the fear took hold,

my lungs aching as they begged for air

and I could not inhale to provide it. 

the ice radiating from the cold appliance that she ran up and down my legs

before prying them apart;

Tried as I might, my frozen body watched helplessly as they fell to the side and 

I lied there open; my mouth sewn shut, invisible thread and chains holding me hostage.

I begged to leave this place, unable to watch it happen, a broken mind complied and all goes dark.

Now as I lay beneath a warm body, in raptures, 

the heat of their touch welling up inside me as it grows to fruition, 

I feel a prick of pain and my world is once again cold and dark, 

I am back in chains and ice. 

I will my haunted mind to exorcise the memory, 

let me lie with this love. I am safe. 

But no longer is it their gentle hands that are inside me, 

she has clawed her way from the shadows and possessed me once more. 

The cat holding my tongue with sharp claws sunken deep into the flesh

hissing that if I open my mouth to cry out

"something is wrong" "I need to stop" "this hurts" "i don't want to do this anymore!"

I will have ruined everything and it will all be my fault. 

My mind screams silently, salt water burns my eyes like acid as I bite down.

I try to hide my wimpers of pain into the pillow and will my body to comply. 

I love this person, I can't ruin this. The heat of pain and pleasure is too much, but

it is only as my body violently shakes, racked with sobs, that I force the word out of my mouth.

"venus!"

I lie there trapped between worlds, 

the warm embrace of a lover pulling me back to the land of the living 

while my mind is stuck in the past. My eyes see everything and nothing. 

I've ruined it. They will leave now, and once again I will be alone in the dark

chained in ice with her ghost. 

Unsure of whether it is safer to die in the darkness, 

my body shakes and my soul struggles to break free. 

At last I see light and warmth returns to my limbs, 

I move trembling fingers, encircling them in the ropes of my lover's hair,

burrowing, I breathe them in; their presence giving me life. 

"You're okay. I'm right here. You are safe." 

The warm and gentle words caress my ears, wrapping my mind in a weighted blanket. 

my eyes pleadingly search their face, still needing proof that not all is lost.

"I'm not mad."

Those words banish the remnants of her from my mind and body.

limp and quiet, I remember the promise from my goddess

no longer need I fear the hands of a lover,

Still I wonder, how long will I be haunted?

*********

i am so incredibly frustrated. This poem came to my while I was doign some bindery work and was unable to write it down as the words presented themselves. This is but a hollow attempt at recreating what I could remember. I wish I could have spoken and recorded the poem in its original diction but my boss was meeting with customers in the same room. 

so so so frusrating. 

Raleigh temptation

 I REALLY don't want to move to raleigh... 

but food for thought. 

They provide full benefits and multiple pay raises. PTO, awards and incentives when complemented. 37.5 hours a week. 

Jesus its a good gig. 

https://jobs.jobvite.com/buildersmutual/job/oYEhgfwT

and it looks like it starts anywhere from 45-50K a year. 

That HELLA tempting. 

Burlesque Debut

 AYYYYYYYYY

GUESS WHO IS OFFICIALLY GONNA MAKE THEIR DEBUT AS A BURLESQUE DANCER FOR ELLIS'S QUEER PERFORMANCE GROUP!!!!!!

THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!!!!

I will be Underground Present's first burlesque baby and I am SO EXCITED!!!!!

I plan to dance to "she calls me daddy"; It will be a simple look; dark overcoat (omg I need to get my purple coat from Brad, if he still has that i won't need to buy a new one), silver slip, black thigh highs (i'll use the ones I already have but just put them inside out so the red bow doesn't show, black gloves, purple lingerie, and black cheeky lace undies I will need to find. White fan prop! 

Outfit Cost: Black gloves, Slip, Lingerie, (underwear $6?) , FAN = $55

Not only that, but before even making my debut I've already been booked for a second show in September. That's 2 shows and 3 (maybe 4?) dance numbers! 

For my first I will simply be dancing to a single song, but the second performance I'm going to mix in a few things I've seen done by drag queens.

I'm gonna make song mixes. 

The September show theme is animals. 

So I will be doing a Marie from Aristocats number, starting with scales and arpeggios song where i'll just kind of be cute and innocent, dancing and interacting with the crowd, then the dialogue of marie saying "Ladies don't start fights, but we can finish them", then it will switch over to Little Girl by Cady Groves, and that's when I'll start taking off the costume. For Marie I won't be taking much off, robe, gloves?, white skirt, slip, and underbust corset.  I will remain in my teddy bear lingerie and white undies the whole time. 

Outfit Cost: : Already bought most of it. Slip and white thigh highs = 27$

*check glove prices at party city

The second number for that show will be a peacock. I plan to have a belly dancer top and belt underneath a corset and skirt, gloves, high heels, and use a big fan. I will enter the room to the sound of snow white singing to the birds and them singing back, then it will shift into Bird Song by Juniper Veil for most of it where I will dance with the fan, and then its gonna burst into peacock by Katy Perry and that's when I do most of the shedding of clothes. Probably go down to pasties. 

Outfit Cost: corset/skirt, belly dancer outfit, FAN, = 78$

Cut cost: 

compare price of gloves at amazon vs party city. See if they have a belly dance outfit? It's a long shot. See what party city has that could be used for peacock and compare price to amazon?

IF the Animal show requires a third act:

If I have to crank out a third number I want to do a snake. I'm thinking something kind of belly dance-esque, minimal clothes shedding. I'm thinking Large temporary tattoo to be put on my belly and back? Outfit: tube top, snake stockings, body jewelry top ,belly dancer's belt for jingles, the tie around sheer skirt under that, and a snake print cardigan. I would first shed the cardigan, shed the tie on the sheer skirt, Slip off the body jewelry, untie the jingle skirt, and be left in just the tube top, stockings, and snake print undies by the end of it. I would do this to Serenity by Godsmack. Maybe look into gold isis wings as prop?

Outfit Cost: $68

ways to cut cost: look in the mall for snakeskin undies that are cheaper than 11.50. Check party city for belly dance belt? Maybe see if I can borrow one from someone. 

Despite the high cost of everything... I can reuse a lot of it for other numbers. 

July update

 Monthly update:

• I am alive lol
• I lost my rent money (lost money order) and am stressing until i get it refunded. Pray for me. I can't afford to just lose 500$. 
• I did a cord cutting with Viking Man; we are still friends and I still have lots of love for him, but I am not in love with him anymore. I do not feel as strong of an attachment; if he wants to sleep with other people it won't hurt so bad now. 
• Aaron moved to New Orleans. 
• I have really grown close with new friends I met through the D&D Game; Ellis and Cyrus. 
• I have choreographed my debut dance number for Underground presents (the queer performance group Ellis runs). I will be debuting as a burlesque dancer with the stage name "Ace of Hearts". 
• We have a drag show tomorrow, I am a tip kitten, that's Disney themed and I am super excited. I'm being Marie from Aristocats. 

honestly I have kind of forgotten what it feels like to be surrounded by a overtly queer community... how safe and light it feels even when discussing heavier, darker matters. It's just relaxed, loving, and supportive. I feel really lucky to have met them.

• Still Planning to move after December but its looking like for sure wilmington. I still really want to go to Cleveland but I think I have to wait a few years until I pay off my car. I might fly up there over the next few years to check it out... but after Wilmington it will either be Cleveland or Florida. As is, I look forward to Wilmington a lot. 

I think I may give up the 9-5 business life. While having steady pay is nice, I am going stir crazy. I miss having freedom during the day, I miss the excitement and hustle of bartending. I may transition back to being a bartender/server when I move to wilmington... it's the right city for it. Tourism keeps it booming in the summer, the students keep it booming the rest of the year. I may be a full time bartender and then offer readings on the side through one of the witchy shops. Or I may jump on the fast food train and become a manager of a fast food chain like cookout. 

Or I will stay with the steady 9-5 M-F so I can at least keep my weekends... be like a receptionist at a doctors office or something.  Steady and reliable pay. Safe. And who knows maybe I'll find a place that keeps me occupied or will let me read when it's slow. 

I will need to make $16 an hour at 40 hours to be comfortable. Or roughly 640 a week through various means. 

• I am cat sitting for Cara; her cat has injured mine and thankfully i was able to get the infection to drain so no expensive emergency vet bill. He constantly bullies Smokey for his food. Randomly attacks and chases Humu. His behavior improved  after she came to visit him (something I had to ask her to do) and he more or less got along with my boys. He is attacking them again and I got into an argument with her about her needing to visit him again. Even if its just for 10 minutes - and preferably when I am not home. 

 Why when I'm not home? Because during her last visit, while eating the food I made for their lunch she proceeded to say that I am unstable and only one step away from killing someone, therefore I should never be allowed to have a gun. 

She said this because when I was a fucking TEENAGER with RAGING HORMONES I actually wrote in my blog about wanting to kill her. EVERY teenager experiences a rise in aggression... mine just happened to be backed by bipolar. This was before I got stable on my medication. I was a KID. Does she take into account the almost decade of stability I've had? The clearance from therapy? The coping mechanisms I have now for my anger that I didn't have before? No. 

Do I still have violent thoughts? Yes. Am I tempted to act on them? 99% no. When I am tempted all I have to do is walk away - its that simple. I was tempted to slap the shit out her when she said this to me but I didn't. I was tempted to put her cat in her arms and kick her out right then and there. but I didn't. 

Because I'm a fucking stable adult. 

but no. 

To her I will remain as unstable as I was when I was a fucking kid just starting treatment for an unchecked mental illness. 

So yeah. After she moves into her new apartment and takes her asshole of a cat back, I'm done. No more favors. No more feeding her. No more walking her through things that require a simple google search that she apparently doesn't know how to  use. I'm done. 

I don't need that in my life. 

•  So yeah. Final Update: all but cutting off/out my toxic little sister who can't seem to admit she has a drinking problem, and in fact blatantly brags about not having one despite having two parents who are an addict. Apparently spending rent money so you can binge drink and party isn't a drinking problem. Ok sure. but you know what? Not my problem to worry about. not anymore. She can lie in the bed that her skewed priorities makes, and I will no longer be available to help her out of it. 

After all, I wouldn't want her to fear for her life anytime she's near me.