New beginnings and fights

I don’t have anyone to talk to so once again I’m using this blog as a one sided conversation/rant.

So it’s official. We signed the lease Monday.
I’m feeling relaxed, I don’t have to stress about finding a place. I’m not stressed about money because I have my share of everything.

Or so I thought.


I haven’t seen Jimmie very much because he’s been busy with studying for certification tests. So I ask him to come over and cuddle. We get talking and he tells me that I’m paying my pet deposit completely.

Now normally this wouldn’t upset me except that he assured me that I wouldn’t when we first talked about getting a place together.  He said that he and Cory didn’t see it as a “we each pay our respective parts” (me with the whole pet fee, him having all of his 495$ deposit transfer) but rather just the whole sum and divided by 3.

Now he’s gone back on that. He and Cory don’t feel Comfortable paying the pet deposit. And then he argues that in a way he has because of his deposit transferring. Whole sum divided by 3 my ass.

I’m not mad about the money although it would have been a hell of a lot nicer to know as soon as things had changed so I could change my spending habits accordingly. It’s not the money. I’ve done the math. I should be good even with the increase.

No I’m mad that he lied about how things would get split. Granted we did have to pay less of a deposit because of his transferring. But we already planned for that. Or rather I was going to pay mine and his share if it didn’t transfer and he was going to pay my first months rent. Either way the deposit was going to get covered and used in all of our favor.

So we’re done arguing. I’m facing the wall he’s on his phone beside me on the bed. I’m still mad but I still miss him and want cuddles. I tell him so. He actually turns me down. “How about pets?” And then pets my head in what feels like  condescension. When I shrug his hand off we just stay in silence for what feels like forever.

I’m waiting for him to just fucking leave because I asked him over for cuddles. He refused. No need for him  to be there if all he was going to do was keep me up and play on his phone - I can’t go to sleep until he leaves because I have to lock the door behind him. He can play on his phone to who knows when at home. Im waiting, I can’t bring myself to actually tell him to go because I fucking miss him. I’m now counting down how much sleep I can possibly get, sit up to set an alarm, and Smokey jumps off of him. This spurs him to leave and  I try to go to bed. Angry thoughts circling in my brain and no one to talk through them with. So I’m blogging.

Maybe now I can get some fucking sleep.

Not likely.

pantheon

So i feel like my pantheon is starting to work itself out.

Some people like to follow the archetypes.... some examples:

Goddess Of Springtime/Harvest
God Of The Sea
Grain God/dess
God Of War or Battle
God/dess Of Love
Dark Goddess
God/dess Of The Hunt
God Of The Underworld
Father God
King Of The Gods
Solar Deities
Crone Goddess
Earth Mother
Mother Goddess
Lunar Deities


Others go by elements

Earth
Air
Fire
Water
Light/sun
Darkness/moon
Magic/Spirit/Soul

My pantheon:

Gia/Mother Earth: Mother Goddess
Cernunnos/Horned God: father God, God of the Hunt, god of death/comforter of death
Bast: Protection, Solar, Fire, Warrior **Patron Goddess**
Demeter: mother goddess goddess of harvest and abundance, earth
Thoth: God of writing, education, creative energy, air
Queen Mab/Maeve: Faerie Queen goddess, magic, dark goddess, earth,
Venus/Aphrodite ( dependong on what i need help with): love, self esteem, relationships, water
Psyche: goddess of the soul



Gods i'm looking to research and possibly add:
Epona: Goddess of Horses, Travelers & Dreams, bringer of dreams and nighhtmares
Anubis
Hel: goddess of one of norse's many underworlds, those sent to her are the ones who die from sickness or old age to live in comfort - supposedly if i were to die because of my bipolar, it is with her that i would spend my R&R time.

official!

i will officially be getting a 3 bedroom with jimmie and cory.


top available right now:

1. Wyndham
1. http://www.pinnaclepropertymanagement.com/listing.php?id=72#!prettyPhoto
2. when available? how much is pet fee?
2. Tilley - 1205 Forbes st - 750 and ceiling fans
3. Tilley - 115 A-B Stancil - 825 and hardwood floors
4. Mead st - 700 in rent and hardwood floors
1. call: (252) 814-8326
2. https://www.trulia.com/p/nc/greenville/address-not-disclosed-greenville-nc-27858--2172334755
5. Shereton Villiage - Russel
1. 700$
2. by the big walmart

THIS EXCLUDES ALL WAINWRIGHT because they aren't guaranteed to be available

options... pt2 or 3?

okay so...

options; should cory be okay with it: I go sardine it up with jimmie and cory. I put half my stuff in storage, jimmie puts some stuff in storage, and we go halfies.  we all split rent and utilities 3 ways until....

either cory leaves (and i maybe talk jimmie into getting a new place) or...

we all 3 get a place together.

which i'm cool with.

it took me 2.5 hours but i made a new spread sheet and color coded it. I feel like i should be frothing at the mouth.

i need sleep.

I have work in 5 hours.

Bad day

Today started out rough... and got worse. It turned into a really bad bipolar day. 

I almost quit my job. Twice. (Foodlion)

I almost attacked a girl for just doing her job. 

I had to give my lorazepam to Jimmie so that I would stop being tempted... I don’t know if I would have taken all 20mg... but I probably would have taken 2mg of it and had a minor overdose like last time. Anything to make my brain stop. 

But I didn’t. I gave them to him so that I couldn’t. I still kind of want to. 

And that kids is called an unhealthy coping mechanism and is how addictions start. 

I made a rune for stability and drew it on my arm. Kinda helped.

I just feel physically/mentally/and emotionally exhausted.

Whenever people asked what was wrong I would just say I was t feeling well. Which isn’t a lie. I was /am having a flare up from my chronic illness. Fiona stayed dormant so I was left to handle and fight it all on my own.

Today was a bad day.

I want to feel better.

Where I’m at

im at this weird point in my bipolar where I’m not going to take the entirety of my bottle of lorazepam (although the idea is hella appealing and my brain has been repeating the idea for the past 3 days) but I also wouldn’t move if I was about to get hit by a car.

I’m on day 3 of this. I tried to cheer myself up last night by having a spontaneous date night, but that backfired. I thought I had today off from Foodlion, but I didn’t. So here I am at work with no fucks to give and already tired of people asking if I’m okay. No, I’m not. Stop asking. I know you care - that does t make me feel better.

Instead I just tell people I don’t feel well. Which is true - my chronic illness is flaring up.

I want to go back to sleep so I don’t have to deal with anything.

I Won’t actively try to kill my self but I also wouldn’t do anything to prevent it either.
Kinda hope I get hit by a car in the parking lot.
That’s where I’m at.

Can’t stay

Well I can’t stay where I’m at. Hallie wants to live in her own - when u mentioned that I might not be moving out she said “okay I’ll start looking for other places” and there is no way I ca afford this place on my own.

Looks like I’m moving my stuff back to my Mom’s. Whether I go with it or not has yet to be decided

thinking things out.

just putting some thoughts down

i could easily stay here. Either on the lease..... or just secretly pay hallie rent until Cory moves out.
so thats 2 options.

Theres the two options involving my mom - move in with her or just keep my stuff there and live with jimmie and cory.

I have another month to figure it out...kinda. because if im not staying here now.... We kinda need to let Overton know.
either way:
ultimatly move in with jimmie.

only thing is... the utilities and rent would go up for me. Rent with Jimmie would be 275, and because of the gas heating the utilities are a lot higher. :/


i might be better off just staying here

got back to me

Morgan and cole got back to me, they are deciding to try for a one bedroom. They're going for it and i wish them all the best.

so that means that i need to figure out what i'm going to do.


stay here or move?

options

So i waited until today to send  a message about this new place to morgan and cole, to give them more time to settle down after their flight back.

6/4/18

first attempt.

I will try to reach back out in another 2/3 days.

but i know for a fact both of them have been online, and neither of them have opened my messages.
i'm sorry, am i the only one taking this seriously?

if we lose this place we will pretty much be shit out of luck.



and heres the thing: even though i am the one putting in all of the work, given an almost impossible budget to work with, and trying to cater to two other people while still making sure the move is worth the money spent on my end - i am going to be seen as the bad guy if this falls through. nevermind that i have tried to reach out. and will continue to.

and that sardine can of a place morgan wanted to apply for as our new option? the one i absolutley hated? its not even vailable anymore.

so really this is our only option.

heres the thing: they don't have very many options. On their budget there is no way they can afford a one bedroom. They are either going to have to wake up and work with me or they will have to stay in student living and hope that they don't reported for having two people in a bedroom.

I have several options.
for one - i could just stay where i am at. Its affordable. Its close to everything. the bedroom isn't as big as i would like but it works.
two - i could move back in with my mom for a few months until cory leaves, then move in with Jimmie.
three - move all my stuff to my moms and move my cats to jimmie's place. I would just have to go to my moms to get changes of clothes and stuff. So i could live with jimmie and cory, until cory leaves and i would move all my stuff in.

I have options.
I am going to be okay regardless of what happens.

but it kills me that if things don't work out with morgan and cole i'm going to get blamed and labeled the bad guy.

Obligation

I am a slave to obligations. They rule my life. I cannot break them... why? I don’t know. Maybe because I’m use to people I depend on have disappointed me enough that I can’t stand the thought of disappointing others.

I feel obligated to move in with Morgan and Cole. Why do I feel obligated? Because I agreed to. Do I want to, honestly? No. I would much rather live by myself, but I can’t afford it.

So get a better job.

Well there is really only one option and it’s not even a 100%  guarantee; a bank teller at BB&T.

Why not go for it?

I feel obligated to the Bistro. Why do I feel obligated? Because I said that I planned on staying for at least a year when Mrs heather asked me about it.

I can’t break obligations. I am ruled by them.

Why didn’t I leave the witchy group after it grew toxic because I was dating Jimmie? Obligation. For one, I cared about them. But mainly because I felt obligated to stay. Why? Because I said I’d never walk away - I promised not to abandon them. They walked away from me, thus freeing me of said obligation.

But I’m not free of my current obligations. I’m moving in with Morgan and Cole - if we can move our asses andget this place.

I’d feel a guilt at leaving bistro  so intense that it makes me debate wether swallowing a handful of lorazepam would be better than disappointing Mrs Heather.

And honestly I just want to check out instead.

Didn’t plan on making it this far to begin with.

I wasn’t suppose to graduate college. I wasn’t suppose to have to deal with all this.

I was suppose to be dead by now.

And honestly wish I could be at times.

But you know why I’m not?

I feel fucking obligated to live.

I promised Dr. Knox and Dr. Bunger that as long as I knew them I wouldn’t try to kill myself.

I fucking feel obligated to live because I don’t think my mom would be able to handle me leaving. It’s one of the fucking reasons I didn’t go to Georgia for school. It’s one of the reasons I can’t kill myself.

I feel obligated to live because I love Jimmie and don’t want to cause him pain.

But mostly I’m obligated to live because of my cats. I am obligated to take care of them because unlike any other reason on this list they depend on me for survival.


So yeah. My life is run by fucking obligations.

Compromise

i have decided to compromise on space when it comes to finding a apartment...

If Morgan is willing to compromise on storage.

We looked at the gables west before but ruled it out because it’s less than 800sq ft.

But again. Compromise.

Late July move in. They might have to crash on my couch and put their stuff in storage for a week or two if it’s after the 17th, but *shrug*

Rent would be 599$ plus internet and utilities...

Or

750$ for all inclusive. But I’ve heard we would need to get our own internet because theirs sucks. (Plus has a 150$ cap) so 795$

All inclusive would probably be cheaper as long as we didn’t go over the 150$ cap.

But it has washer and dryer included.

If we don’t mention Cole then I would be willing to pay Morgan’s application fee.
I know they don’t come and inspect very often, so we wouldn’t have to mention the cats.

Deposit is full rent or 1/2 rent depending on credit.


But they are at a funeral and won’t be back until Sunday.

But then I will present this place (again, because we looked at it before) to Morgan.