Monday, August 31, 2015

court date

so my court date on my ticket is not there...as in the ink is not there... the pape is faded and nothing is legible except for my court fees....ironically...

i was able to find my court date from the calander on the court house website...THANK YOU THOTH FOR YOUR HELP.

its the 25th of september.

i have until 9/25 to go to the DA's office with the letter saying the guy i hit has been paid in full.
i called today and the letter was written and sent in for processing. as soon as it is processed i will have it emailed to me and i will have it mailed to me.

all i have to do is print it off, and find a time between 8:30 AM - 2PM to go to the DA's office with my $250 fee...

and then i just go to the courthouse:

Pitt County Courthouse
PO Box 8185100 W. 3rd Street
Greenville, NC 27835-8185Greenville, NC 27858

and hand everything over.... aparently....

but when to do it?
depending on if i get my letter by then maybe tomorrow morning? i don't have class until 2 and if i go early enough there won't be much of a line?

thoth i need your help to get through all of this.

feels like a monday

ugh.

shakweek started with bloating and pain.
its raining and i'm wearing a white shirt.
i really need to wash my hair because it looks like shit.
i was running behind this morning so i am not wearing any make-up.
i still need to call the insurance place and get a copy of that letter BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEN MY COURT DATE IS because the ticket is fucking faded as shit. and i'm starting to panic.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

caribou cafe notes and vocab

sonya - main character in part 1 who lost her key
Macky - sonya's little brother
Ama - a friend of sonya
Lalo - a boy who tried to see sonya's underwhere
Mrs. Availa - gives sncks to the children
Roul - dark boy in sonya's class, called "sponge head"

Paulie - 35/36 year old but looks like an old man. acts all jumpy and scares other customers
Delia - woman with 2 different sized breasts. hangs around Paulie.
crazy lady and her 2 kids - i think its sonya dn her brother and mom. calls macky "short order"
Nell - owner's ex wife
Jojo - his son


Geraldo - the son? of the narrator, he is five years old - macky?
 Maria - sprads gossip that soldiers are eating the brains of their victims
Tavo - the washer woman's nephew



vocab:
Tijuana
La Migra
"chewing the fat"
La Llorona
contras

from what i gather.... the washer woman is a greiving mother and she finds sonya and macky (who are missing)- confusing macky as her lost son geraldo. they are in the carriboo cafe and the cook recognizes the missing children. he calls the cops who come to claim them, but the washer woman refuses and fights them thinking they will kill and take her son - who is not her son. in the end they shoot her in the head.

Friday, August 28, 2015

NOTES ON SWEDEN

OK!!!

based on physical characteristics SG (in my head) looks like he would be from Sweden..
behaviorally? no.

so i'm thinking.... dual nationallity.
things from swedish behavior (mom):
- straight forward
-will accept your first answer and move on
-not very quick to talk to strangers
-doesn't have to talk to you every second your together - enjoying silence
-fashionable
-can hold his liquor
-punctual!!
-eager to help/get to know you but you have to approach him first  (thats kind of a combination trait)
- doesn't do compliments/humble
- only pays for his share
-prefers people to be straight forward with him... if you offer something, he will accept (to pay the bill for example.)
-respectful
-doesn't say excuse me "oops"
-SHY until het gets to know you...then let the teasing begin.

American (dad):
- loves rock music
- although he is well dressed he doesn't jusge others based on their dress...too harshly
- he is very freidnly once you've initiated the conversation..  h won't make the first move.
- dad has thought him chivalry... pay for the girl unless she offers. Pull out chairs.. open doors. - very different from sweden
- If a girl is into you and you don't return the interest - tell her. gently.
-


notes:
http://www.umu.se/english/education/student-handbook/umea_-sweden-and-the-swedes/characteristics-of-the-swedes

http://theimpudentobserver.com/world-news/are-swedish-men-dull-and-boring/

http://hubpages.com/hub/What-characterizes-a-Swede-and-the-Swedish-mentality-some-unwritten-laws-on-how-to-behave-in-Sweden


 had a scene for a short story flash in my mind while walking and thinking about him.


the scene:

The weather feels great! i closed my eyes for a breif second to soak up the sun when i heard a panicked "Hey move!" my eyes flew open as i felt myself get jerked to the side and a skateboarder flew right through the place i was standing not even two seconds ago.

With wide eyes i turned to thank my hero and was for a moment i was struck dumb. He was beautiful

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Serenity's Reading for Anna Grace

Basically she is doing a general reading, Anna;s question is "What does my near future hold?"

Anna -death
serenity - empress
4 cards around them
-  Fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality - the sun
- Unified love, partnership, attraction, relationships - 2 of cups
- 3 is a crowd - 3 of cups reversed
 Good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, a turning point - wheel of fortune
4 card path -
- a "knight in shining armor"  - knight of cups (he saves her from getting caught after killing birth mom by killing the guy she bought the cocaine from)
-  Soul-searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance - Hermit
- Betrayal, deception, getting away with something, stealth - 7 of sword
- judgement, rebirth, inner calling, absolution - Judgment 

Serenity is surprised because she did a reading for herself (asking how her relationship with Anna would evolve ) and Anna was death, and serenity was the empress... then ending card is  the 5 of swords: Open to change, past resentment = a change will happen based on past resentment, but the card before her said a great sense of peace would come.


she later does a reading about Connor

gets:

7 of sword - dishonest
king of cups reversed - Emotional manipulation
knight of cups - Romance, charm, ‘Knight in shining armour’, imagination = con-man  = his identity
Magician reversed - manipulation




white rose in symbolism of Tarot:

death:  a white rose which hearkens back to themes of purity, clarity and transparency of intent. Jumbled up with the other symbolic edicts of the Death card, we can also interpret the presence of the rose as a conveyance of impermanence. "Nothing lasts forever" says the old adage. Rather than take that fatalistic stance, I like to consider things in cycles - to everything there is a season, and the rose in the Death card features the idea of transition - moving from one phase of life to another. Death is just a doorway, and the white rose prompts clear understanding about that entrance into new perception/existence. -----> THIS IS HOW SHE DECIDES TO LEAVE WHITE ROSES AS HER SIGNATURE

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

english notes

Some Notes on Immigration and Ethnicity in the US
This is a collection of statistics from a variety of sources intended just to give you a sense of trends. If you look around, you will find that numbers vary widely according to source, methods of gathering and categorizing information, and purposes for which the information was gathered.
Immigration
Since the 1700s, there have been three major waves of immigration:

  • 4.8 million (mostly Irish, German, English, Scottish, Scandinavian)
  • 23.3 million (mostly from Europe)
  • 1968-present 33 million (primarily from Asia, Caribbean, Latin America)

1880-1924 over 2 million Russian Jews and Eastern European Jews emigrated to the US
to escape pogroms and discrimination.
[This is the background for Yezierska’s “Soap and Water,” as well as for the Disney movie An American Tail, set in 1885; I find it very interesting to look at this movie in terms of how US immigration history is presented to children.]
12 million immigrants came from Europe during the same period.

1924 Congress restricted immigration severely
1890 86 % of immigrants came from Europe
1960 75 % of immigrants came from Europe
1999 51 % came from Latin American
27 % from Asia
16 % from Europe

These dramatic changes have, of course, resulted in changes in the percentages of ethnic populations living in the US, changes which continue to occur rapidly in the present.

Ethnic Populations



Total US population

White
Black
Indian/Native Alaskan
Asian & Pacific Islander
Hispanic


2000 census

281,421,906

75.1%
12.3%
.9%
3.7%
12.5% (½ white; ½ other)

2.4% gave more than one “race”
2010 census

308,745,538

72.4%
12.6%
.9%
5%
16.3%

2.9% gave more than one “race”



The percentages on these charts add up to more than 100%, because Hispanics may be any race, and can be counted in more than one category. The media made quite a fuss over the fact that the 2000 Census showed that Hispanics had outdistanced African Americans as the largest minority group in the US; the fact that these categories are not really equivalent makes direct comparisons questionable. However, there is no question that the percentage of Caucasians in the US is decreasing and the percentages of minority groups, especially Hispanics and Asian Americans are increasing.

The Harvard Encyclopedia of American Ethnic Groups (1980) catalogues well over 100 different ethnic groups in the US; you can browse the table of contents at http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/THEHAR.html?show=contents or see the table below extrapolated from it to get a sense of the range of ethnic categories listed in 1980. I would imagine that both the names and numbers of categories have changed a great deal since that time.

Class
Issues of class difference are important factors in reading American ethnic literature. This information was taken from an essay by Gregory Mantsios, “Rewards and Opportunities: The Politics and Economics of Class in the US,” published in Rereading America (Bedford/St. Martins’, 1998). They are probably different now, since the gap between rich and poor has been widening rapidly during the past several years.
The wealthiest 20 % of the US population holds 85% of household wealth and owns 7/8 of all consumer goods and financial assets.
50% hold 3.5 % of household wealth.
14 % of the population live below the poverty line. (15.1% in 2010)
¼ of all children live in poverty.
3 mill. people are homeless and as many as 12 mill. have been homeless at some point.

Your chances of being poor in the US vary widely depending on your ethnicity and gender:
If you are white (both genders) your chances of being poor are 1 in 11; if you are a female head of household and black or Hispanic, your chances of living below the poverty line are 1 in 2!!! This illustrates what is known as “double jeopardy” for females.

White M/F White F (head) Hisp M/F Hisp. F Black M/F Black F

1 in 11 1 in 4 1 in 3 1 in 2 1 in 3 1 in 2

I find it very interesting that despite our myth of the “ideal nuclear family,” currently only about 20.2% of the US population lives in a nuclear family arrangement with two adult parents present.

According to the US Census Bureau, in 2010, 46.2 million people (15.1%) live below the poverty line; 22% of children under age 18 live below poverty line (http://www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/income_wealth/cb11-157.html).

In the early 20th century, social theorists thought that ethnicity would decrease in importance as modernization, industrialism, urbanization, and increasing emphasis on individualism rather than community produced an American “melting pot.” To the contrary, ethnicity and nationalism have grown in importance in the US, especially after World War II, and we have had to conceptualize ethnic relationships as more of a “salad bowl” or “mosaic.”

One terrible set of statistics that illustrates the ever-increasing importance of “ethnicity” and “race” is the growing number of hate crimes in this country. In 2010, the FBI reports that “Of the 6,624 single bias incidents, 47.3 percent were motivated by a racial bias, 20.0 percent were motivated by a religious bias, 19.3 percent were motivated by a sexual orientation bias, and 12.8 percent were motivated by an ethnicity/national origin bias. Bias against a disability accounted for 0.6 percent of single-bias incidents.” (http://www.fbi.gov/sandiego/press-releases/2011/fbi-releases-2010-hate-crime-statistics) It is important to note that reporting by law enforcement is voluntary and it is widely believed that hate crimes are seriously under-reported.

The word “ethnic” has its root in the Greek word “ethnos,” meaning “heathen” or “pagan.”
By the middle of the 19th century the term began to refer to racial characteristics. However, more recently, “race” is understood to be a cultural construct, not a biological one. [In general there is about .2 %--that’s 2 one-hundredths of a %--difference in genetic material between any 2 randomly chosen individuals. Race accounts for about .012 % of this difference. See the 2004 PBS series on race, Race: The Power of an Illusion, for a recent treatment of changing concepts of “race” in the US. Joyner Library has copies you can check out if you are interested. The series would be suitable for use in high school and college classes.]

Ethnicity” has come to be understood to refer to aspects of relationships between groups that consider themselves, and are regarded by others, to be culturally distinctive based on commonalities of national origin, history, religion, cultural practices, and/or language.
Appendix

Harvard Encyclopedia of American Ethnic Groups

Stephan Thernstrom, Editor

Harvard UP, 1980

Groups and Definitions

Acadians
Afghans
Africans
Afro-Americans
Albanians
Aleuts
Alsatians
American Indians
Amish
Anglo-American
Anglo-Saxon
Appalachians
Arabs
Armenians
Aryan
Asian
Assyrians
Australians and New Zealanders
Austrians
Azerbaijanis
Bangladeshi
Basques
Belgians
Belorussians
Bosnian Muslims
Bulgarians
Burmese
Canadians, British
Cape Verdeans
Carpatho-Rusyns
Central and South Americans
Chinese
Copts
Cornish
Cossacks
Creole
Croats
Cubans
Czechs
Danes
Dominicans
Dutch
East Indians
Eastern Catholics
Eastern Orthodox
English
Eskimos
Estonians
Ethnic Heritage Studies Program
Filipinos
Finns
Foreign Stock
French
French Canadians
Frisians
Gentile
Georgians
Germans
Germans from Russia
Greeks
Gypsies
Haitians
Hawaiians
Hispanic
Hungarians
Hutterites
Icelanders
Indochinese
Indonesians
Iranians
Irish
Italians
Japanese
Jews
Kalmyks
Koreans
Kurds
Latvians
Lithuanians
Luxembourgers
Macedonians
Maltese
Manx
Mexicans
Mormons
Mother Tongue
Muslims
Nordic
North Caucasians
Norwegians
Oriental
Oriental Orthodox
Orthodox
Pacific Islanders
Pakistanis
Pennsylvania Germans
Poles
Portuguese
Puerto Ricans
Race
Romanians
Russians
Scotch-Irish
Scots
Serbs
Slovaks
Slovenes
South Africans
Southerners
Spaniards
Spanish
Spanish-Surname
Swedes
Swiss
Tatars
Teutonic
Thai
Tri-Racial Isolates
Turkestanis
Turks
Ukrainians
Welsh
Wends
West Indians
Yankees
Zoroastrians

finances

ok...

i bought the CD
i bought 2 omnia things
i went to the expo...

and now i have 3600.

take out 1000 for my new savings
and 500 to help towards mom's glasses

thats 2100
now -500 towards my car.

1100.
-100 towards savings?

1000 left.

ok i need to calm the fuck down with my spending.

but i still have xmas presents picked out from online to get.... if i don't order them now, they might not get here in time.

thats 100 right there...

down to 900$

ack.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Notes from today

** my English book is out... Check back everyday
** check email to see when my rented books are in... Cuz they weren't in yet.
**spanish room is 1 hallway away from where it should be.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Hanibal S3 Ep11

oh joy... more eating.

the dragon wants her? as in....it wants to kill her? or what?

whats it gonna be...the girl or the dragon?

I KNEW IT. Hannibal is jealous of Will's family...so if he send the dragon after Will's family... then its possible the family will die and Will will surley kill the dragon.

wait....he kills the pets.. ALL THOSE DOGS. Will will kill him.


oh hannibal... you sure have a way of manipulating things...Will... he is litterally TELLING YOU THAT YOUR FAMILY IS NEXT

momma bear senses something.
WAY TO GO MOMMA BEAR!!!!!! you're shot, but you made it away!!!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!

he just beat the hell out of himself...damn...

he's gonna kill her...

you did the right thing dragon. you did the right thing.

and there is the mask... Alana is cracking down that whip!!! bye bye "comfort"...

keeping promises... i don't want to see Alana die....

and will and hannibal end the scene.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

for tomorrow...

OK tomorrow.
I have to get up at 7am... leave by 7:30...

i'll get to campus at like.. 8:15.

go to the computer lab and print off my schedule.

get my books.

if i have time, go back to my car and drop off extra books.
if not... keep them with me during spanish (all i need is the textbook, notebook, and my laptop to look at the syllabus )

then go drop off books.


i have class from 11- 2

then lunch.

then from 3-4 i have short story (i'm kinda nervous anout that one... the teacher got horrible reviews....  from all but 2 people..and one sounded like she would have wrote it herself...) but! POSITIVE MIND. HAPPY THOUGHTS KIND WORDS.

then i have to drop off mom's envelope at SS.
then drop off laptop charger for cara...

then go to Will and Kenzie's apartment to make DnD character :3 #3...

its all going to be fine. <3

stone bag

so i got some stones at the epo, and a bag to put them in. its small, almost the size of a medicine bag. i want to put it on a chord and wear it as a necklace....

here are the stones inside:

Angelite - light blue sphere - aids our connection to our spirit guide and angelic helpers
calcite - orange sliver - acts as a battery for the stones around it, aids digestion, and amplifyies joy
onyx - black stone with white spots -walk in sacredness, helps remove headaches, gently grounds
Agate - white with small green/black specks, a patch of orange/brown and a grey patch - helps bring self confidence, self-acceptance, and inner strength
infinite - small square shape light grey/green - amplifies spiritual gifts, makes you aware of new ones
tanzanite - small black and grey, kinda smokey - great 3rd eye stone, aids in stral travel
Howlite - white with grey lines and cracks - great for the mind (really good for students)
carnelian - clear and orange, very smooth - helps with reativity, sexual energy centers and being happy with having a body.
perifot/chhrusolite -agood luck stone, and great for courage.


and when i got it, i got a free reading from the guy who was selling the stones. not going into details, but he is the real deal. and he is very kind and genuine.
he gave me his info card, not something he gave to everyone, and told me he could do phone readings... if you had seen the way he looked me in the eye.. he wants me to call him.

buuuuuuut i'm a chicken shit, and plus i don't want anyone at home to over hear me on the phone.

so i'm going to emial him... which is pretty much just to set up a phone ession....

but i also don't know how much it would cost.

but i'm going to contact him!
and after the expo..i've decided i'm not going to let fear keep me from going into the faerie woods.

*****

added for my birthday!

Lapis Lazuli - Dark deep blue with golden shimmery stripes - increases psychic ability, communicating with higher self and spirit guides, opens, third, eye, increases self expression, cleansing, aligns spiritual bodies, thought amplifier, healing, love, fidelity, eases depression, protection, courage, anxiety and restless tension, increases mental clarity, and illumination

Azurite/Malachite - sky blue and multicolored forest themed colors - aids in meditation, dispels conceit and arrogance, calms anxiety, protects, attracts love, promotes inner peace, attracts busniess success, promotes tranquil sleep, magical power, self confidence, mental clarity, stimulates creaitivity, compassion, friendship, dreams, health, healing, intuition.

Blue goldstone- black with blue sparkle- 
http://mycrystalpedia.me/b/blue-goldstone/



Saturday, August 22, 2015

Beautiful soul


This is a painting of my soul. Done by a gifted artist who paints what she is shown. 

It has a lot of things but here are the main things:

Glitter - coming from the sun are the blessings raining down on me from above.
Glitter - raining down from me represents all of the love, kindness, and goodness I put into the world.
Trees - are protection. As you can see... There are a lot of them. I am well protected in the spirit world.
Faeries - I am important to the fae... I don't annoy them the way I thought I did. They like me. 
Garden - the affect I have on someone. Apparently I leave people with a better atmosphere wherever I go.

And there is more symbolism with the colors but that's the gist of it. 

Everytime I would thank the artist she would say "no thank YOU for letting me paint you"

Everytime I would say "it's beautiful" she would say "yes you are"

Granted it was expensive... But well worth it.

I truly have a beautiful soul.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Hannibal S3 Ep10

OK dragon what are you up to?

oh lecter how you flatter people..

Bedilia! <3

damn will... you got rejected!

i want to pet a tiger...

way to go dragon xD

ohhhhh hannibal~~~~
Will. don't be a dick... i kinda agree with Bedilia on what hannibal does.

HAHAHAHAHA bedilia ships will and hannibal just as much the fans do xD

WHY THE HELL  WOULD YOU WANT TO CRUSH A BIRD? naturally she wouldn't do it, but thats her first thought. hm.
._. what the hell bedilia... you did try to save the dude...
hm. this is interesting... idk how i feel about the situation.

WOOAHHH blind lady is the woman clothed in sun!

oh is this where he eats the painting? oh its watercolor and chalk? i would have thought oil.
yup. he eats the painting. which i understand...

DAMN DRAGON tossed will like a rag doll.


Availability reality

So.. She'll only work me 7-11:30 let's be real. And probably 4-9 anyway. And in Friday about 6 hours. Saturday and Sunday are in the air. That's :

4+4+4+4+6 = 18

Now I will work at least 5 days so let's add another opening shift on a weekend? 22 hours. 

Shit.

Now before I get pessimistic.. I just need to wait until things smooth out and a pattern emerges. I can't freak out at the beginning. 

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

textbooks!!!

haitian voudou was purchased used.
Oscar  was purchased used.

idea of the holy was purchased used.
RAM and his deciples was purchased used.
Nuer religion was optional - so i didn't get it.

Imagining America was actualy cheaper to buy used than to rent...

VISTAS SPANISH was bought new
Spanish dictionary was bought used.

= 342.88

Renting:

Cuban revolution
parish behind god's back
8 theories of religon
oceanography

= 194.51

thats 537.39

so... 600$

"help"ing cara

So Cara has waited to the VERY last minute to do her school project.

she asked me to help her and for my advice.

when i informed her that she left out important information she told me that the readers should be able to know something because of what she said before.

she is assuming the readers can make the connection on their own, but in order to do that they have to have read the book.

when i gave an example of somethign to say she said that she can't use that because her past writing has sucked and i looked at what she had i said "i can tellt".

i'm not going to sugar coat anything, ESPECIALLY after she told me she was ok with half assing the project since she only has a few days.

SHE IS OK WITH DOING MINIMAL WORK.

if she is ok with doing bad quality work, why can't i say that it is bad?
i agreed with her. and it hurt her feelings.

but why sugar coat something? it sucks.
i tried to help her and she tuned me down, and then she insulted her own work and i agreed.

her feelings are hurt.

she takes after racheal in the way that she writes.

leaving gaps and defensive about criticism.

lost debit card

i lost my debit card....

somewhere between checking out at the store, giving some money to Lary, and getting in my car i lost it.

no one has turned it in.

i can't find it in my car.

i can't find it in the house.

i can't find it.


so it has been frozen....

i'll see if mom can find it when she gets home... if not i'm going to go through and cancel it.

for the time being i'm going to use the debit card mom has to my account.

something HAD to go wrong today...

Monday, August 17, 2015

ITS FINALLY COMING

MY MONEY IS COMING IN 5 DAY!!

so thats.... the 22! thats saturday!!!!

so i'll actually have money for the expo! ill make sure not to spend more than 250-300.

and then:
TEXTBOOKS
i have recieved emails that i need:

-  “Essentials of Oceanography, 11th edition” by Trujillo and Thurman, 2014, published by Pearson Publishing, and MasteringOceanography BUT i can get the etext version and code for 72$ which is a hell of a lot cheaper than a hard copy.... AAAAANNNNNND i could actually rent an older copy of the book, i just have to get a new code...which is 41 bucks....

- VISTAS: Introducción a la lengua española, 5th edition, by Blanco and Donley, 2016.
Hardcover:   ISBN 978-1-62680-675-7 Textbook AND Supersite Plus Code (w/ WebSAM + vText + Practice App)



ok and now a look at my professors:

Spanish - Ann Borisoff : she seems good. aparently she speaks sloly and clearly while in spanish and is very helpful. aparently she is hot too.  NOT an easy class... but class average is an A. i am very glad.. from what i read, as long as i do my work, participate, and study i should be fine.

Anthr of Religon - Dr. Bunger :3 - i already know i love him and the way he teaches

Bio Anth Lab - Dr. Loudon - he's hard, but he's awesome

Oceanography - David Mallinson - attendance not manditory but he gives extra points for it (like loudon),  homeowrk answers found online. tests come with a study guide (a long one but still) and are curved.

Short Story - Su-Ching Huang  - shit. picks favorites. LOTS of work. hard tests and exams which are essay and multiple choice. shit shit shit.... idk if i should drop it. majority of people put in their comments: NEVER TAKE HER CLASS. umm.... thoth help me.

Cultures of Caribbean -  Holly Mathews - all the revieews were from her intro anth class, not this one...well seeing as this is her first time teaching it... but what i gather: READ READ READ and visit her during office hours.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

FALL AVAILABILITY updated

in order to remain a customer lead and not go back to cashier, i had to open up my availability for school.

i now am open

  • 7-1 on tuesday and thursdays - which could be DND days (tuesdays will be days i crack down on spanish homework) = 5 hours each day = 10 hours
  • 4-11 on monday and wed.  = 6 hours each = 12 hours
  • 1-12 on fridays = 11 hours (she'll only work me 7) = 7
that right there, not including weekends is 29 hours. 
i usually work 5 or 6 days a week...

she'll either give me both weekends off or will end up giving me a day off during the week, 
idk. lets see how this goes shall we?



school calculations UPDATED

OK.

4000 back from school.
-700 for books
-500 for my car....
-200 for the court fee with my ticket
-1000 for another savings account (10 year goal...)
-500 for my current savings acount
-200 for wheels for my car

thats...
900$ left.

-75 wish shopping list
-20 for the elfland CD
-150 for boots

thats
655 left.

lets say...

-250 at the expo (if i get my fucking money by then)
-150 for a tune up for my car ...idk how much that will be

255 leftover for tests on my hormones.

Monday, August 10, 2015

car accident #2

so i got in a minor car accident today... my fault.

damage was minimal, and no one was hurt. however... it will cost 500$ out of my pocket to fix my car, insurance will pay the rest.


ugh..

and i have to get a letter from my insurance to take to the DA to get the ticket dismissed so it doesn't go on my record. AND my insurance will go up... although i'm not sure by how much.


Sunday, August 9, 2015

It's all going to be fine.

Those words came to me today.

I have been stressing the fuck out.
About getting my hormones checked.
About setting up my first Pap smear.
About what the possible outcome of my relationship will be.
About the scholarship I applied for - didn't get it.
About getting my financial aid refund in time for school.

And on top of that! I had a headache. I was tired. I was hungry. I was irritated about something from the night before.

So I wrote a note: don't forget to smile! Just to remind myself to do my job despite how I felt.

Then not even 5 minutes later, I felt moved to write those words. I didn't think them, my body just wrote it. 

It was a message, from someone.. I think it was SG because that was who I thought if instantly.

But I felt comforted. If only for a moment. 

But he is right. Everything will be fine. 

No matter what the hormone un/balance, no matter what the visit it like (I think I'll ask lady spirit guide to be with me..) , no matter what happens with Corie, or with school...  It's all going to be fine.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Hannibal S3 Ep9

lol i half expected him to say "Hellooooooooo wiiiill"the same way anthony hopkins said "hellooooo clarice..."

aw. hannibal's feelings are hurt.

"do you want to know how he chooses them"
i swear to god if he says "he covets" i will flip my fucking lid.

aww... "you are family Will"....
I SHIP THEM SO FUCKING HARD.

speaking of shipping... i wonder how Alana and Margo are doing..


AWWWW FLASHBACK BETWEEN LECTER AND ABIGAIL.... this breaks my heart
He and Will and Abigail would have been  a beautiful family... i really wonder how that would have gone.

it really must have broken his heart to kill her. more in the fact that he was killing th efuture and life he wanted, but still. he enjoyed her.

Alana..... idk how i feel about you. You are so strong now. cynical.... temporary...Hannibal will kill you. YAY YOU ARE STILL WITH MARGO!!!

ugh. red dragon i hope they catch you soon.

for a second it looked like will had boobs.

hello freddie ._.

what is he afraid of? indignity.. "you're a little bit like a cat in that way"
damn. Alana... you are cracking that whip, but he will use it to strangle you.

I SAW BARNEY



what.
the.
literal.
hell.

dead body. in your office. Hannibal...ew.

EW EW EW EW EW EW EW
aw, hannibal is comforting her.see. he does have a goodness inside him.

and again with the dragon. boreeed.

lol i can empathize with special agent doctor dude. sonofabitch.

its the blind lady!!! AND SHE IS FROM TRUBLOOD

awe. ok dragon has his cute moments...

awe! the phone calls to the lady at home :3

oh shit thats a bad nightmare. ohgods. in the movie hannibal sends the dragon to kill will and his family. WHAT IF MOLLY ACTUALLY DIES. she didn't in the movie... but still. this show doesn't fallow the movies and books exactly.

jack you are an asshole. in this case... i think hannibal might actually be the one looking out for will. which is why i think he will try to hurt jack and will's new family... jack bcause he hates him and he is going to hurt will. will's family becaus he is jealous.

awe.... he visits with abigail in his mind palace...kind of like Will did...only his is slightly more healthy?

aaaaaaannnnd we have contact! how will Hannibal manipulate dragon? Whos is more friend than foe - Lecter or Jack? Will Lecter make good on his promise to Alana? find out next time on HANNIBAL

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Sensual

I'm not a sexual person, I'm a sensual person. 

When I say sensual I mean:

- the condition of being pleasing or fulfilling to the senses.
-arousing gratification of the senses and physical

So... 

I love being touched. Not sexually... But intimately. Just having someone run their hand/fingers over my skin.

I love being kissed. Not just a normal kiss, but everywhere. 

I love massages.

I love cuddling.

I love sharing a bath/shower.

These are all things I like done to me and I want to do to others.

Sensuality.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

open

so i talked to Corie.

she pretty much said w had 2 main options:

1.Break-up
2. Have an open relationship

now..Corie isn't one to have sex with strangers/one-night-stands. Which means there will be emotions involved. which would either lead to a poly-relationship or me and her breaking up.

if i'm being open.. i don't think i can do it.

I'm not a jealous person. And i think its because i trust the person i'm dating and don't worry about it.

but sharing her? in a relationship?
just thinking about it makes me jealous....

which would lead to us breaking up.


not going to lie, as soon as i pulled away from her apartment i almost started crying.


but i talked to my mom.

she suggested that i get my hormones checked. she said "its like you're stuck in a twelve year old's body when it comes to that" and i agree.

so i'm going to try to figure out how and when to get my hormones tested.
if they are unbalanced.... i'll see about fixing it.
if i'm balanced and "normal".... then my life just got a hell of a lot harder.

seriously...

if corie and i do end up breaking up?

if i see a girl, there is a 50/50 chance she is into other girls. then 1/2 that because she may be in a relationship.  then 1/2 that for her chance of liking me and 1/2 that for the chance i like her.

thats 6.25% chance.... THEN half that to see if she is ok with an almost sex-less relationship.
3.125% chance of me finding a potential mate.

fml.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

spectrum pt 4: corie

how do i explain this to corie?

i mean... she knows that my bod is "weird" and "odd".
she knows i don't really crave sex the way she does.
she is learning to read me/my body to know when its ok to do stuff (or, she is trying to)

do i even need to tell her that my weirdness has a name?
would it help her at all?

do i need to tell anyone?

I mean... mom and cara already think i'm weird. they, like corie, know i don't really have an interest in sex.

i tried to explain to them what asexuallity is, it came up in conversation, and they both had negative reactions. pretty much a thats-weird-is-that-even-possibly-that-makes-no-sense-those-people-need-help kind of way.

so...aside from this blog.... should i even bother to tell anyone?

Maybe Kenzie... she is an asexual who likes sex. funny how i know 2 asexuals.

idk.

i think its ok that i keep saying i'm a lesbian....

for now.

i'm a grey sexual lesbian?


*** moment of panic just hit me

oh gods....oh god oh god...

what if corie breaks up with me because of this?
she is a highly sexual person.
i'm definitley not.

its caused tension before..

i've already said i think it will cause her to leave me.

now that i know i'm not the only one like this, i will grow more confident in myself.
i'll stop beating myself up over it (ha thats a lie... i'll just get through it like i did when i realized i like girls.)

but my confidence will grow...

what if it causes more tension?
and she breaks up with me because of it?

SHIT.

spectrum: I'M NOT ALONE (Grey - A)

i'm not alone in this.

i'm not the only one who feels this way about sex.

i messaged my asexual friend and she told me to look somethign up... "Grey-A" or grey asexuality.
its on the asexuality scale.

i pulled up some articles:


  • But where do gray-sexual people really differ from sexual people? “Personally when I am in a  sexual relationship, I notice that I never initiate, my partner can physically arouse me and then I’ll go with it but before that happens it just doesn’t really occur to me” http://www.thefrisky.com/2011-11-22/what-it-means-to-be-gray-sexual/

  • Q: What is Grey-Asexuality?  A sexual orientation on the asexual spectrum in which one experiences sexual attraction rarely, only under specific circumstances, without libido, or not strongly enough to act on. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=graysexual
  • Grey-A is a term that describes a broad range of folks who DO experience sexual attraction, but they have "asexual-like" traits, such as a low sex-drive, a lack of desire to act on sex, or limited attraction, among other things. https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120716181740AAp6J18
  • Asexuality and sexuality are not black and white; some people identify in the gray (spelled "grey" in some countries) area between them. People who identify as gray-A can include, but are not limited to those who:
  •           -do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes
              -experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive
              -experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them
              -people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific                circumstances http://asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A
    • How can someone be “Gray”?  You’re either asexual or you’re not.  :  Is it clear where you fit if you’ve only felt sexual attraction once in your entire life, then never again?  Is it clear where you fit if you occasionally feel something that could potentially be sexual attraction, but it’s so weak that a passing breeze is enough to make it stop?  Is it clear where you fit if you’re sometimes sexually attracted to people and you like sex, but don’t feel any drive to seek it out and would be fine without it?  Is it clear where you fit if you’re not sure what sexual attraction even is, let alone whether or not you’ve felt it?  Gray-asexuals live in this land of confusion. http://www.asexualityarchive.com/under-the-ace-umbrella/
    guys.

    this is me.

    it makes so much sense.

    i want to cry.

    spectrum thoughts continued

    this post branches from my last.

    since i'm already talking about how weird i am in the sexual sense...

    i don't understand why people are so into it.

    i don't see the appeal.

    i don't see why people crave it.

    i don't see why people feel the desire.

    i just don't get it.

    i get that it feels good...

    but so does a hot bath.

    if its the physical connection, then why is it any better than cuddling?

    i just don't understand it.

    at all.

    i get that its something that is good for the body.

    and if conditions are right, then yes my body craves it...i guess.

    but its not some insatiable urge, nor is it hard for me to shut it off.

    i can go from "turned on" to "off" very quickly. in a matter of seconds. while in the middle of having sex.

    it has happened.

    i don't intend to, but it just happens.

    i don't see why people want to cause that kind of reaction in others.

    has horrible as it sounds.... i don't really understand it, unless its a power thing.

    I don't mind doing something to my partner because its something they want.
    i don't particularly feel the desire to do anything sexual with them without prompting.

    but.

    as horrible as it sounds...

    sex can be used to manipulate.

    certain sounds, looks, and behavior cause different reactions in the other person.
    knowing what to do or say to bring that other person pleasure is a powerful thing.

    being able to bring about the reaction that you want, gives you power over that person.
    having an effect on the other person, gives you power.

    thats the only way i can understand it.

    ok... so say that this is the way that person A thinks.
    person B enjoys pleasing others.
    A can manipulate things so that B feels in control and is getting their desired results.
    that fact that B feels that way is the desired result of A.

    its all a mental thing to me.
    sex is manipulation.

    thats the only appeal i see in it?

    this isn't how a normal person is with sex.

    from what i gather most people want sex because it feels good to them and they want to make the other person feel good.

    i get that... but i don't. i understand the logic of it but i don't particularly feel the same.

    why.
    am.
    i.
    so.
    fucking.
    weird?




    sexual spectrum

    they say that sexual orientation really isn't "this" or "that". its a spectrum.

    i've been thinking over it...

    ive mentioned multiple times that i have a very low labido. i don't crave sex. i don't get turned on/horny unless someone does something to trigger it and even then its iffy.

    I am attracted to women... = lesbian
    i have the potential to fall in love with anyone = panromantic
    low to non existent sex drive = asexual???

    now i know i'm not asexual.

    But i'd say that maybe i'm borderline.

    i don't crave sex
    i don't really like to hear about it, although learning about it is interesting (from a academic POV)
    although i wouldn't say i dislike sex...well... its complicated.

    it feels good. but its so intense.
    i almost feel like its more work than its worth.

    honestly.

    which would i rather:

    cuddling vs sex = cuddling
    kissing vs sex = kissing
    (hug vs kissing = hug
    cuddling vs kissing = depends, but usually cuddle)
    movie vs sex = movie
    swinging vs sex = swinging <3
    watching anime vs sex = anime
    hot make out vs sex = just a make out sesh.
    school vs sex = school

    i don't dislike sex.... but see a pattern here?

    sex isn't a bad thing... but its not something i would go out of my way to experience on a regular basis.

    it just happens in a mature relationship. because its something my partner likes.

    its this mentality that makes me think on the spectrum of sexuality i border between lesbian and asexual.

    i have an asexual friend that i kind of want to talk to about it... but kind of like me, sex really isn't something she likes to talk about and i don't want to make her uncomfortable.

    now while i'm on the topic.....

    Saturday, August 1, 2015

    Hannibal S3 Ep8 THE RED DRAGON

    i think this one might be the last episode of the season....

    WHHHAAAATTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    ugh. i dislike the red dragon.... now i can add this to the list of why,.

    what the hell is this guy doing? oh. he's jst working out.

    oh look...tattoo tool.

    sweet kid. ahhh it must e from hannibal's memory palace.

    3 years later? my goodness.

    bloom? what in the word....

    ah. congrats.. you won't be killed because you plead "insane"

    "enough people have died" "you didn't" "a promise in waiting... one you intent to keep" "i always keep my promises"

    Hannnibal.... let her live.... i don't wanna see alana die.

    ugh. red dragon... you bore me.


    ohmygod.... was that his blood or his victim's? or was that a vicitm?

    oooooo.... saying hannibal is no longer interesting...
    ahh they are talking about "the tooth fairy" ... which is the red dragon.

    oh! Alana! you run the baltimore hospital! and you have short hair?
    hehe. hannibal wrote something to tear down chilton xD

    ah. chilton wants to ensight competition between dragon and hannibal...

    dude. what the hell. <--towards the dragon

    aw... thats right... molly and parker... Will has a girlfiend and she has a son... <3

    will has more dogs... <3

    jack, he last time you said that (to alana) he ended up in prison nearly insane.

    wait wait wait... will. is that a WEDDING RING on your finger???

    OH SHIT that letter was for will from hannibal!! and he's actually being a friend... aw <3 and who says sociopath's can't care.
    buuuuut that also mean hannibal knows where will lives.


    see...the red dragon kills kids. Hannibal doesn't. i really don't think he could, because of mischa. he likes kids. at least his character does..idk if they will come up in the show. hm.

    but most damage was to the parents. the children were disposed of quickly.

    poor will..

    note to self: never have a glass back door.

    DAMN PAPA BEAR that paternal instinct is amazing.

    "obnoxious flame haired woman who was trying to take pictures" - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH THATS PRECIOUS. Freddie.

    ITS THE BOYS <3 *que "they boys are back in town" * and they're special agents! <3

    oh. i resist the urge to gag at the eye part.

    "snaggletooth" HAHAHAHAHA.

    ugh. dragon...can they go ahead and catch you please.

    i love all the intense imagery of this show.
    oh coarse he notices the dog.

    "i have to see hannibal"

    DUH DUH DUHHHHH

    i love his mind palace. always so beautiful.

    ****** THIS IS NOT THE LAST EPISODE <3
    they are just airing the episodes on saturadays xD so i can watch it sunday!

    welcome to elfland

    i. want.this.CD.

    it isn't out yet... they are only giving it away at their shows...that i know of. so idk how i will egt it...


    but this band.

    is all about the fae.

    omg.

    watch their interviews...

    their vlogs...

    their music...

    i'm in love.

    SeeD <- thats the band.

    they are amazing.