Merciful one... again?

Okay so...

Whatever important event or THING that is coming which will help me move forward in my path, that I also run the risk of overlooking and letting it pass me by... is approaching.

I got a hint if it over a year ago. A few months ago. A few days ago.

And then the merciful ones message today was that a type of death is approaching and I need to meet it with respect and let go of what once was.

What else am I letting go of?
I let go of my romantic relationship with Jimmie.
I let go of my hope of us getting back together any time soon as well as my anxiety of him dating another girl. I still think of him as my future husband and I will not worry myself over what happens in between my time with him. If we have other relationships before getting back together (which we will) then we do. Lessons to learn. Growth to be had.
(I think I almost understand how Aaron must have felt about Dylan now...)

What else must I let go of?
I actually think it might not be in the love area of my life.

But I have no idea what else? I don’t have any big transitions going on in my life...

School? I’m use to school. No big transition there.

Work? I mean Bistro is on its last leg but I already know that.

Spirit? If I have a spiritual change coming up then it’s no wonder I don’t see it coming.

I have no friggin clue what area to pay attention to.
All of these are in my day to day situations (or will be soon)
I am not ashamed to admit that I am oblivious. If there is a chance that I will miss this opportunity because I’m not paying proper attention? Then I will miss it. But if I just had an idea of where it’s coming from, I could better keep my eye open.

Is it a opportunity?
Is it a person?
Is it an event?

I have no idea.

Timeline

I recently got asked about my goals in life.

And we were talking and I realized that...
In an ideal world I would like to be engaged by 25, married by 30, and hopefully a mom by 34.

But life is all unwritten and the ideal hardly ever happens.

Honestly as long as I’m married by 30... and I don’t think I’ll have kids after 35.

Dragon lady

Notes from the convo with dragon lady

- stop indulging immediate happiness for the sake of procuring long term happiness?
- pay attention to day to day things because something is coming (cards also say this) and I have a good chance of missing it if I don’t pay attention. ->???????


And that’s about all I actually got and understood from her.

Also... I am not good at channeling. Makes my head go empty and I am pretty much just a empty space.

Purgatory

It’s a weird feeling giving up on something that you love.
I’m not really giving up... I’m just.. taking a step back.

I’m not waiting.
But i cannot forsee myself ever saying no if he wanted to try again.

I can’t bring myself to delete the photos I have of him.

He’s still my phone back ground.

Hanging out with him is as natural as breathing.

So I have this mixed mentality...
Where I know we aren’t going to get back together, a part of me still hopes for it even if it is years from now, and I have so much love for him.

I hope, maybe in a few years that we can actually come back to each other.

But I’m now also at the point where if we meet other people then... that’s okay too.

The future is not set in stone and no one knows what’s going to happen.
I know that he and I aren’t getting back together.

Anytime soon.

We will be friends, hopefully best friends, moving forward... and just see what life throws at us.

I don’t know how to feel about him.

I think I’ve always been a little in love with him. And I will always be a little in love with him.

I don’t think that will ever fully go away.
So I’m at this cross hairs where I’ve accepted that we may not be a couple again in the foreseeable future and I will eventually be open to having a relationship with someone else... but I still have hope for us.

Not to say that I would enter a relationship and see them as a place filler for him... I wouldn’t do that. If I open my heart to another it will be sincere. I am open to the idea of finding a life partner that isn’t him.
But I also have this stubborn hope.

I feel like I’m in purgatory.

The heart is ducking weird man.

processing

I take time to process things. I process in stages.

Input data. Experience emotion. Process and think through emotion. Make a decision. Move forward.
then repeat.

I thought about how i feel about jimmie.
made the decision that i would wait for him.
moved forward.

Repeat:

Step 1 - Input data: Jimmie and I are not going to get back together.

it was an outcome that i wanted very much to happen, but i can feel in my gut that its just not going to be. I will NOT be closed to us getting back together.. but honestly there is no point in waiting for it.

Step 2 - Experience emotion: bitter fucking sadness.

Step 3 - Process and think through emotion:

I really wanted it to work with him. He showed me what a healthy relationship looked like. What it was like to be with someone who cared and supported and put in the effort to help me heal and grow.
He showed me how good it can be in a relationship.
I thought I was going to marry him.
I designed the ring.
contacted the jeweler.
got the price.

it was ready for me to make the first payment...

I was ready to be with him.

to finally admit and accept that.. that is over?

fucking sucks.

But.

He is still in my life. I havn't lost him the way ive lost all of my other ex's.
Just because the romantic relationship is over doesn't mean i have to lose the connection i have with him. The level of physical intimacy.
We can be friends.  Maybe we can be friends that have sex.
- at least for a time.

While i do not crave the actual act of sex, I have begun to crave the level of openness and comfort that comes with it (when done with a kind and caring partner). Jimmie is safe and he is familiar. I love how open and carefree i feel after being physically intimate with him and i love that feeling of connection. I love that level of closeness with him, because of how much i love him.

There were so many positives from our time together, I would NOT consider our relationship a failure. I was happy with him. I really was. Which makes me sad to see that aspect end.

But I know that with enough time, he will be ready to have a romantic relationship and when that happens I will be happy for him. Perhaps a little nostalgic and sad... but by the time that happens the pain of the current situation will be just a memory.

Step 4 - Make a decision:

For as long as he is willing I want to be friends with benefits with jimmie.
and should he decide that is not what he wants....then I will be friends with jimmie.

I am determined to keep him in my life, in whatever form is most comfortable with him.
Jimmie was my friend before my lover. Then he became my romantic partner.
I... want to keep that intimate connection, even if it isn't romantic in nature.

and if I am wrong and we somehow come back together romantically (years from now) then we do.
But as of right now I know that a romantic reunion is not likely and i tearfully accept it.
I've lost the man i thought would be my husband, but I don't have to lose my closest friend.
and I want to remain as close to him as I can because I love him.
In just a month I could feel my love for him changing. I truly know that this friendship will work.

I just don't want to lose him.

Step 5 - Move forward. 

Waiting

Yes. I am waiting.

I am waiting for him to be ready to be in a relationship again.
I will wait for his mental health struggles to get balanced and settled.
I will wait until he has found a balance between work and school and free time.

I am waiting... but I am not waiting idly.

I have goals of my own to focus on.
I have hobbies I want to redevelop and new ones I want to bring in.
I have my own list of things I want to accomplish.

And they aren’t just petty distractions.
They are thins I want to develop as a part of who I am; I want to grow as a person while he does the same.

So, I lied. I lied every time I told someone “no, I’m not waiting for him. I just have my own things to focus on”.
Every time I said that I was thinking “yes, I’m going to wait for him to get things figured out. AND while I do that I am going to focus on myself”.

So this is my confession.

I will wait until he is ready and able to be in a romantic relationship again.
I am happy to do so, because it gives me time to become a stronger, person.
I will not worry about him falling in love with another girl because I trust him.

I trust him to tell me if a reunion is no longer his desire.
I trust him to tell me if he finds someone else.

Until that time I trust him.
I will no longer devote energy into worry over him,  I will only devote energy into growing my mind, body, and spirit.
When he is able to be with me again, it will be with a more sure, independent, and powerful me.

I am not in a hurry.
I am not rushing him.
I am not idly waiting.

I am actively waiting....
With patience, and a full and trusting heart.

He has time to grow... and I’m using that time to grow myself as well.

6/19/19

It’s been a month.

Mixed feelings.

the merciful one... changed.

So... I sacrificed my focus on Jimmie as my offering to vampires of  bloodmonth (oracle card).
I finally figured out what i was suppose to give up... and then the merciful one was saying to let go...
well thats what i let go of.

every time i start to dictate what my behavior is because of how i think Jimmie might think or feel... I catch myself, remind myself that he is doing his thing and i have to do mine, and i need to stop trying to "get in his head" as my therapist says.

Jimmie has his shit he needs to sort out, his goals he needs to reach before we can be together again... and so do i. Focusing on him will only keep me from reaching my own goals, which in turn will keep me from being able to be together with him.


The cards have already told me I'm going to be single for a WHILE. so there's no rush. I'm not rushing him and i'm not rushing myself.

I'm also going to stop listening to my lizard brain/anxiety when it trys to tell me that jimmie is going to be gettting with  other girls... i'm giving that up and letting go if it too. He says he wants ti get back together and I trust him.

I have given up my focus on him.... and its been successful! I havn't been feeling as down and sad as usual.
I have been feeling more affectionate... I mean i WANT to be with him. I want to cuddle with him. I want to kiss him (like...so bad.. all the time). I want to sleep with him.

but... I am getting use to being alone again.
Last night was the first time I consciously realized I wasn't sad that i wasn't going to bed and sleeping beside him. I felt...calm when I thought about sleeping in my own bed.

I don't feel like i'm torn in half anymore. It doesn't hurt me to see him the way it did before. and to me thats a step in the right direction. All my love is still there... just less pain. (now... there is still pain. just less of it.)

Today in my daily oracle reading... I got the merciful one again. Only when I read her meaning the focus was no longer on "letting go".... It was focused on a shift. the ending of a part of my life..."one phase to another".

Hopefully that means i'm leaving who I was... the dependent lisa who was easily influenced... and will become a more independent lisa who is firm in her spirituality.

Today the merciful one wasn't a card of endings.... but of transition. :)

I take that as a good sign. 

I wonder...

I wonder when this will stop hurting.

In almost all of my previous break ups, the pain has come from a feeling of inadequacy. Or the pain has come from the fact that my partner doesn’t love me anymore. And in general just mourning the loss of a relationship and partner/friend. 

But this pain is different. It hurts differently.  It harder to deal with and harder to process because... there is no anger to soften the blows. There is no clean break because I want him in my life.

I don’t hurt because he doesn’t love me, although that anxiety is ever present... I hurt because I can’t show my love for him. And because I can’t ask for reassurance that he DOES in fact still love me romantically.When he is being distant it hurts but it’s more of a disappointment kind of pain. 

But then there are days like today.. where we don’t just interact... we genuinely have a good time with each other. He was being unusually silly and joking today. It was super adorable and reminded me why I am so in love with him. I loved it.

And it killed me. 

Absolutely destroyed me inside. 

So I purposefully tried to distance myself. He let me lean on him towards the end of the movie but I had broken the relative ease between us. The pain and thus isolation-wall I put up made it awkward. 

I didn’t know what I was allowed to do. I knew I couldn’t do what I wanted to do... but I also wasn’t going to turn down contact with him. It was awkward. But the awkwardness helped make it less painful for me.

But then there was a moment in the kitchen that made my heart skip a beat. 

And another moment on the couch that I wish could have lasted forever. 

Both lasted seconds but they put me at ease... and for just a second I felt close to him.

And naturally I felt an avalanche of emotions as soon as they were over.

I want to be close to him. I want to love him openly. But I can’t. 

And it hurts. 

With a normal break up I would cut him out of my heart, and out of my life, for good. 

The idea of doing that with him makes me sick to my stomach.

With a normal break up... I would be mostly fine after a few weeks. 

It’s been 3 and I feel like despite my composure the pain only gets worse. 

I know it will be easier when I move out. I will miss him more and if I’m lucky I will maybe get to see him once a week - if I’m lucky. Not seeing him will help with the pain.  

Then who knows... maybe after I’ve been out of his apartment for a few months there will be no pain. But I don’t know what that would mean... because as long as I love him I don’t know how this wouldn’t hurt. 

I endure this pain because my goal for us is to get back together. (I have personal goals... but this is my goal for the two of us). I will fond out in time and probably with more tears wether that goal remains the same for him.

This will not stop hurting until I move on. 

Be that WITH him or without. 

I can’t move on until something changes. 

But I don’t know how long this will continue to hurt as bad as it does. 

I wonder if it will stop hurting without a clean break. 

And if it ever does, I wonder what that will mean. 

Regret...

While I know I will eventually have more regrets to blog about I couldn’t think of a better title.

I regret deleting all of those pictures.
I deleted them after the fight and initial break up before he apologized and explained why he actually wanted to break up.

I deleted them to allow myself to heal...

But since I’m not wiping him from my life and having a clean break... I regret deleting them.

Over three hundred photos. Photos of us together. Photos of us happy. Gone.

I regret it.

I was looking through what photos I had left, praying that I hadn’t deleted certain ones... and I did.

And I’m sorry.

Those were happy memories that I knew I had to forget to move on...

But I’m not trying to move on anymore. Not until he tells me to.

I want those happy memories to stay. I want those pictures back.

I regret losing them.

But I hope that I will be able to one day take pictures of us happy and together again to replace them.

I won’t give up by Jason Mraz

I’m not ready to relinquish my hope.

I was very very drunk. And very very hurt.

He’s on tinder. He’s flirting with other girls.
He needs the ego boost.


I too for a short time had tinder and bumble and enjoyed the ego boost as the matches constantly chimed non stop. But I didn’t need the ego boost. The few I actually talked to I felt guilty because I couldn’t even flirt with them; it wasn’t sincere and I wasn’t even remotely interested.
I quickly deleted the apps.

He does need the ego boost apparently.
And if he has no problem stringing people along, then ... what’s that say about me?

I would hope that my devotion to him isn’t an ego boost. He told me tonight that it’s just flirting. It’s “fun”. That he still does EVENTUALLY want to get back together.

I just wish I was so disconnected that I could do that. But I can’t. It’s been three weeks and I can’t even bring myself to casually allow myself to be pursued .

A song keeps repeating in my head and I pray to the gods that it’s will come to pass.
I love him. I love only him. I have -100% interest in anyone else. Not even for the sake of flirting.

I don’t need it.

I love myself as I am. I am sure of myself. I don’t need an ego boost.
And if he ends up replacing me while he’s working on himself... it will be his loss.

But for the next few months....

“And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

Cos even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We got a lot to learn
Gods knows we're worth it
No I won't give up”

I’ll focus on my spirituality and grow there. I’ll begin my MBA. 

And I’ll give him his time. I’ll give him his space. 

But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Replaceable

That’s how it always goes.

I’m replaceable.

Rachael replaced me with Kayla.
Madison replaced me with whatever her name was.
Ashley replaced me with chandler.
Amy replaced me with Aaron.
Aaron replaced me with Amy.
Brooks replaced me with whoever after he cut me out.

Jimmie is replacing me with girls he’s “just flirting” with.
It’s only a matter of time before Lex meets someone and replaces me too.

I’m just fucking replaceable.

I am a tier one place holder.

That’s my role.

He doesn’t care

He doesn’t care.

He’s already talking to new girls.

Needing time to himself my ass.

Fuck I’m drunk.

Duck everything.

Gods I’m stupid.

Good luck to him and Sarah or whatever her name was.

I guess this was the universe’s way of saying he is done with me.

Gods I am so stupid.

I miss you

I miss you.

While I may see a glimpse of you everyday and hear your voice,

I miss you.

I miss being able to touch you without a thought;
I miss being able to kiss you whenever I want,
I miss your touch and I miss your scent.
I miss the carefree and the tinder moments.

I miss the ability to love you up close,
I miss the ability to love you out loud,
I miss being able to love you openly.

Now I must love you from a distance.
My love must now be hushed and quiet.

And I will love you from a distance,
My love will not diminish with time and space
until the day you decide to move beyond my range
Or come back to me.

Maybe with time,
My lips may touch another’s and perhaps my heart will too.
But I will still miss you.

Tears will undoubtedly flow from my eyes,
As I watch you move farther away,
With pain and hope that you’ll come closer one day.

I miss you and I will continue to miss you
Until my heart tells me to do otherwise.

Let go pt 2

Maybe I need to let go of the stress.

Don’t think about the future I hope for.
Don’t think about the future I dread.

Mindfulness.

Be in the moment.

Let go of the stress of the future.

I don’t have to give up my hope.... just stop holding onto it. Let go.

I’m using it as a crutch. I need to let go... it’s not the same as giving up.

Just let go of the future.

Let go of the stress?

Expectation

Fine. I’ll let go of the hope.  Bring on the pain.

They say hope for the best and expect the worst.

So I have my expectations.

I expect that I won’t hear from him when I move out. I won’t see him anymore because we don’t have that many mutual friends anymore. I don’t expect him to come to my social gatherings, although I will always invite him.

I don’t expect us to have movie nights like he says we will.
I don’t expect him to invite me over for dinner the way he says he will.

I expect that when I move out I will be moving out of his life.

I hope for otherwise but if it’s Hope I have to let go of... then I’m only left with expectations.

Let go.

I keep getting the oracle card telling me to let go. That deaths and endings are a right of passage.

I get that the break up is a right of passage so to speak. He needs to grow alone and I need to grow alone. I get that.

I get that our past relationship is over.  I’ve let go of that. I’m moving out and even if he and I were to suddenly get back together tomorrow, I would still move out in August.

So what do I need to let go of? The hope that we will get back together? I don’t think I can honestly let go of that until I move out and it becomes clear that there is no hope.

So what is it that I’m suppose to let go of right now? Let go of the sadness I feel? I don’t know how. Let go of te anxiety that he will find someone else when I leave? Let go of the fear that I’ve lost the man I thought I was going to marry? Just tell me how and I will let t all go.

I’m tempted to do a card reading on our future because if there is no hope of us getting back together I want to know now so I can  cauterize the wound and move on. But if there is hope... I will continue to bleed until all lessons have been learned and we get back together.

I just wish I knew. I don’t know how to heal and I don’t know when to let go.
August is so far away, and it probably won’t be until September until I finally accept that he and I are done completely if he drops contact with me.

I don’t know what is sincere and what is just pacifying.
And if he is sincere now, it may change when I move out because out of sight out of mind.

So doing a card reading now would be pointless anyway.

I just want to know. I don’t know what it is I’m suppose to let go of... or to what extent.

Figuring this out.

If a relationship is a house....

I left and when I came back the locks had been changed. This was no longer my house. It remains empty for now... and I can enter in temporarily, but I’m still figuring out how to act when inside.

Cuddling - yes.
But the level of cuddle varies and I’m still trying to learn to read the situation and figure out the allowed level of cuddle. If others are present, only slight snuggling is permitted. He initiated cuddling tonight but I got overzealous and cuddled too much and irritated him.

Holding hands - when cuddling only and only when no one is around.

Kissing - occasionally, only when alone and in the absolute right situation. Rare.

It’s okay to kiss others, even though I don’t *want* to kiss others. The only reason I kissed that girl I hung out with was because I was drunk. I want to kiss everyone when I’m drunk.

Doing things together is still expected/encouraged?

Too much isolation is seen as odd behavior.
But too much interaction is bad.

I’m still trying to figure this out. How to act when around him....

It will be easier when I move out. Only 2 things can happen...

1) he does as he says he will and we still remain in contact and see each other somewhat often.
2) we lose contact and each other.

Either way, how I can behave will become much more clear.
And how I allow myself to heal will become much more clear.

At the moment I am keeping the wound open, I allow myself to still love him and it hurts. It’s a slow healing process.

But when I move out, if #2 occurs then I can cut off the emotions and heal much faster.


I am not waiting for him to grow and figure out where he wants to be before we *possibly* get back together.  (I say possibly because I don’t know if he is sincere about his desire to get back together)

I have my own goals to work on.

And I simply don’t want anyone but him. At least for the time being. I’m not against the idea of something light and casual but they would have to be pretty fucking amazing to actually catch my interest.

I’m still in love with him. And until that stops I don’t think I can honestly love another person... and until I move out and see his actual intentions I can’t make myself stop being in love with him.

There is the risk of someone moving into the house before I can move back. And it scares me.

I’m scared I will lose him forever.

He is no longer “my dork”.

I’m still in love with him.
And I’m still trying to figure this out.

My whole life

Everyone has dark moments.

Especially lately, with my good and bad days.

But just because in a moment I want to just stop existing...

I’m not throwing in the towel.

I’m a survivor. I’m a fighter. I am going to have a full life.

Wether Jimmie and I ever get back together and get married, or not....

I will not be alone forever.
I am a strong and spiritual person.

I have so many achievements ahead of me and so many lessons to learn.

And I have my whole life ahead of me to do so.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I do not want to experience this.
I do not want to feel this.

And when things are hard my go to thought it I want to die.

But I realized.... I’ve used my lorazepam correctly too often... I no longer have enough pills to kill myself. If I took what I have now I could cause organ failure... a slow death... but not a go to sleep and never wake up death.


So I put the pills in jimmies room.
No temptation.

This sucks.
I don’t care if something better is just around the corner.
I love him. This hurts. This sucks. I don’t know how to let go.

And my go to reaction is.. I want to die.


I don’t want to die.

I wasn’t to not exist. Not right now anyway.

I just want to not. At all.

But this is life. There is no pause button. There is only movement forward...

As slow as it might be.

The cards said I had a new beginning headed my way.
I just can’t see it. I loved him so much. How can I do that again:
I can’t spend my life alone. I can’t spend it with him.

I just want to spend my time alone in about. To sleep. Form a crysis and sleep until a new me can emerge.

But that’s not how life works. So tell me.
What do I have to learn before this pain goes away?
Before I can learn how to breathe again?

What do I have to do to get past “I want to die”?