bruh wtf

 My boss has been a great landlord. He really helpe dme out by not making me pay a deposit when I moved. I was in a month to month lease - just had to give 60 days notice. 

I gave more than 60 days notice. 

I am fully moved out June 10th. 

He's making me pay a full month's rent for June. Only if someone moves in by the 15th will he refund me for the second hald of the month.... HOW IS THAT LEGAL????????

Like what the fuck?????

I will now have to pay two whole fucking months rent PLUS a full month's rent as a deposit in June. 

$1250 - June rent to my boss

$2082.50 - move in costs 

$45 gas for the move; I will be making so many trips at 32 miles round trip that it will be about a tank

----------------

$3377.5

BRUH. 

I have the move in costs in my savings but this will completley liquidate it. I was counting on only having to pay 10 days worth of rent to my boss. 

What the actual FUCK. 

What is this?

 I need to identify this emotion. 

It’s not frustration 

It’s not disappointment 

It’s not sad 

It’s not angry 

It similar to all of them. 

It’s sits in my rubs and burns up into my chest or down into my stomach.

Makes me feel lethargic. 

It’s not depression or grief - those are colder emotions. 

This is a hot emotion. 

It’s not anxiety although that may be the closest? 

I can tell that I’m feeling reclusive. I’m agitated and lonely and agitated that I’m lonely and agitated at the idea of being around people. 

I want to be alone. I’m mad but I’m not mad. 

I’m just filled with this emotion and it makes me want to lay down and do nothing or scream or go numb. 

I’m definitely headed into a depressive episode. 

Fucking asshole. 

Withdrawl

 I can recognize that I'm feeling withrawl symptoms from the consistent nuerotransmitters I was getting over the past month from gamer boy. 

Its the feelings of withdrawl that make me freaking stupid and want to reconnect. (He has no way of contacting me, but I could easily meet up with him if I wanted to, since it was me that always went to his place or met him at the gym)

I need to find otherways of getting the brain chemical hits that I am craving because my initial addiction is rearing its ugly head (downer pills). I need to be very freaking careful because last night I took 2 of my anxiety pills (to counter the adhd med induced insomnia) and the pleasure I felt when they hit.. reminded me why i'm a fucking addict in the first place. 

so lets look at the culptrits in question:

"Love" (oxytocin) + "pleasure" (dopamine) + "happiness" (serotonin)

Non drug or dating related ways of getting them:

• Oxytocin
• Listening to music and singing
• Cuddling with friends
• Petting and cuddling animals
• Exercise can release it
• Charity work/helping others
• Social activity
• Dopamine
• Sleep
• Singing
• exercise - dopamine seesaw eefect - also protects dopamine receptors
• eating protien
• Gut health = probiotics
• Serotonin
• Eating specific foods like: eggs, pineapples, poultry, oatmeal, chocolate
• exercise 
• GI tract health  = probiotics
• at least 15 minutes of sunlight
• sleep
• Social Activity 

Okay so going that actually explains why people go to the gym when depressed/break up  - scientifically it provides all the same brian chemicals as being in love & addiction. 

• Gym/mandatory walks/mandatory dancing
• Actually fucking sleeping
• Singing. I need to sing. Make myself sing in the car, in the shower, etc. 
• Make myself be social. 

bye bye gamer boy

 Well that was nice while it lasted. 

His toxic trait, which he swore he never engaged, came out to play about my biggest insecurity: my weight. AFTER I told him it was an insecurity of mine. 

He wanted to see pictures of the goth makeup I use to do so I sent him photos; but this was from YEARS ago, from before my thyroid said fuck you. So I was noticably skinner. He kept comparing me to back then, saying I looked like a totally different person. Then proceeded to start unsolicited gym advice on losing weight to try to get back to thar size. 

So I sent this:

"Weight has always been an issue for me. Back when I was that skinny I *wanted* to gain weight but couldn’t because I had an insane metabolism. I hated how skinny I was. Then because of BC my thyroid basically gave me the middle finger and I gain a lot of weight very quickly. Suddenly I hated how “fat” I was - in retrospect I really wasn’t that bad. But I got asked almost daily if I was pregnant because of how quickly I gained the weight. that obliterated my self image. 

Once I got that regulated I was able to drop the weight a bit but stayed in the 130-140 range, with it fluctuation by about 10 pounds off and on. Then I got hurt and stopped being active, gained more weight again. (160’s) 

Then after a while I started burlesque dancing as a way to help myself love my body instead of hating and punishing it. Through that I was able to realize that I was beautiful, even if I did jiggle a little. Most people in fact loved it. When I wasn’t performing I was working as stage crew for shows and was constantly moving; and that’s how I spent most weekends for about 2 years. 

The number didn’t change; I still stayed in the 160’s but I gained more muscle and slimmed down. During slower months I got a little softer; busier months it slimmed again. 

Then I moved here and I’m still consistently in the lower 160’s but I’m soft from basically hibernating all winter. once I start moving consistently again, the number will again probably stay the same but I’ll slim down. 

I  wouldn’t mind slimming down, but I know my body does that  naturally. it fluctuates like crazy but it’s all contingent on how active I am. I have forced myself not to look at the number and focus instead on how my body carries it. 

I don’t ever want to be as small as I was. I look back at those photos and 8/10 times I cringe at how thin I was. every now and then, when I’m feeling bad about my current body I’ll feel wistful but overall I do not ever want to be that tiny. 

I totally understand if that’s a turn off for you though."

His response:

"Full disclosure I think you were more attractive in your older photos since were on the subject, which I’m sure isn’t easy to hear. I don’t expect you to change your entire lifestyle for me or anything, nor do I expect you to change anything really. These are just the standards I set myself by. I definitely find fitness and healthy, consistent habits very attractive. Having that drive to make yourself be better for yourself is beyond attractive. It’s not all about looks, but we’re on the subject now so here’s my honest thoughts on it."

My response:

"There's a few ways I could respond to this, I'm trying to decide which way to go - regardless, tthat could have been worded with more tact and was uneccesarily mean. 

1) I said this was an insecurity of mine. 

2) you already said you prefer petite women. I'm not stupid. I can infer that you prefer me when I looked like a skeleton. 

So please tell me why you felt the need to open and close with that? What was the purpose other than to intentionally hurt my feelings (which you aknowledge "I'm sure isn't easy to hear")? Because that whole response you gave? Your toxic trait is showing. 

And if you want to talk about healthy consistent habits that promote growth and bettering yourself? Those skinny pictures of me were from when I was at my most unhealthy. I was drinking, suicidal, addicted to drugs, and in an abusive relationship with no backbone and no self esteem. The other two photos I had the exact same body I have now. And compared to all of those photos in terms of habits? I am considerably more healthy now than any of those times. 

There are ways of making onself better for the sake of growth that do not revolve around fitness. I'm not trying to sell myself to youbut I also won't down play how mcu I activley work on myself constantly. I work towards my career goals, my spiritual goals, my mental health, and although my physical health comes last, I am still working on that as well."

----------

I will say I was a coward and as soon as I saw he had read it and was typing a response I deleted him. I honestly didn't want to see what justifation he had - I more so wanted to point out how he was disrespectful and point out how narrow his views were. 

For the record: my weight is not unhealthy. I am just below the national average. I am beautiful. I am so beautiful in fact that people pay me money to see me and my body. So he can go kick rocks. 

I put up with rude comments like that (and worse) for about 5 years between Jimmie and Dalton/Viking man. I was not about to tolerate it from some new guy. He had balls of brass. 

I will miss the sex though. He was also a top notch cuddler. 

Budget comparison....

 Okay hear me out. 

I could take out  - $  14500in student loans to pay off all my debt.  OR

I could take out  - $13200 to pay my rent for the whole year which would give me more income to pay off my debt FASTER. comparison below. 

	Current	pay debt	pay rent
		14,500	13,200
Rent	1250	1095	0
internet	35	55	55
utilities	0	120	120
personal loan	271	0	400
Credit	160 (40,80,40)	0	350 (100, 200,50)
the joint	70	70	70
car payment	235	235	235
car insurance	90	90	90
health insurance	370	370	370
student loans	117	117	200
pets	70	70	70
subscriptions	17	17	17
gas	160	80	80
savings	75	75	100
Roth IRA	75	75	150
groceries	260	260	260
renters ins	0	12	12
audible	17	17	17
	2862	2758	2446

If I wanted I could afford to pay more on my debt/investment even more so. I might actually invest $100 a month in liquidatable stocks (Jack is willing to teach me). In either case - this would mean less money added to my student loans but also more money at my disposal in daily life. Might be able to save up for traveling! (back to NC, to see Rach & ellie, maybe take a vacation!!?) 

So when I get my financial aid package I will take out however much I need for tuition after the scholarships; + 13,200.

Update

 Ready player one.... 

introducing new character into my life: Code name Gamer Boy. 

Pros:

• Very communicative via text
• VERY appreciateive of direct and open communicaiton. I am learning I don't have to be subtle about it (like with Jimmie & Viking man); he is SO CHILL that I don't have to worry about him flying off the handle, even if its somthing he may not be happy about
• Has repeatedly said that even if he is disapointed by something that my comfort is the important thing. 
• He listens when I do have the courage to voice a concern then he MODIFIES to adapt to my boundaries, needs. 
• Honestly this one got me. His behavior matched his words. This is super big for me. 
• Even if our kinks don't toally line up he is very open to adapting to suit what works for me, compromise so othat we both get what we enjoy. 
• Very chill - balances out my INSANE level of energy and anxiety. 
• Is very open to hanging out with my friends so that he can spend time with me
• Wants to get out of the apartment and do fun things; winter is for being a home body, summer is for adventure. 
• Hes very pretty and always smells good
• Seems to be very patient and lets me be as playful as I want, doesn't seem to be bothered by how hyper I am or how much I talk. 
• Despite being a fitness nut himself, he likes that I am soft. 
• We havn;t discussed politics but from some side comments hes made I can tell we are more or less along the same lines.
• Plays video games - and actually continues to talk to me while playing (and inbetween sets at the gym) --> I could totally read while he plays if I get bored. 
• Honestly he is probably the best cuddler I have ever gotten to cuddle with. Like waking up covered in a sweat becuse we are wrapped up and both space heaters - and the cuddles are so good I can actually fall back asleep like that. The way that he plays with my hair T_T <3
• He likes my elf ears. Like totally cool with it when if I wear them out with him. 
• Likes horror movies (most movies tbh) - but not roller coasters (boo)
• Very physically affectionate. 

Cons:

• He has an issue with me burlesque dancing. This will have to be something we discuss more indepth in the future because thats going to be something he will have to get over when I do start dancing again. 
• He is SO QUIET; not really a con but it really makes me pay attention and makes it easy for me to get into my head. Will take learning. 
• Lives a very regimented life - he goes to the gym 4 days a week for like 2 hours, M-Th or T-F, however does make his weekends free; usually open F and Sun. 
• Very limited and specialized diet to coordinate with his fitness regiment. 
• Not a caretaker dom - but is willing to shift his sadism to match my boundaries and seems open to a lot of things i like. (Pro)
• Has been open about his toxic trait.... which is the same as Viking Man and Jimmie.. in the sense where he gets off on causing emotional distress in his partner; however he recognizes that it is toxic and doesn't indulge it. 
• Doesn't seem interested in discussing anything too indepth just yet, but that also might come with time. He has said that essentially he is more or less agnostic and doesn't really think about it/care. He did give me a funny look when I talked about getting messages from Maeve, however he tried to take it in stride and even cracked a joke. 
• Doesn't like to play horro games if someone is with him because it takes him out of the experience. T_T (I think we can work on this lol) 

Too fast (writing excerpt)

 She didn’t mean to stare, but the movement caught her eye and the moment she saw him removing his armor she was trapped, like a moth caught in the glow of a lamp. She had known he was beautiful, had seen the tips of his tattoos peaking at his wrists, but she was unprepared for the way the beautiful black ink worked its way in captivating patterns encircling every inch of his muscled arms. Nor had she anticipated the way she would suddenly have the desire to trace those patterns with her tongue. His black undershirt caught as he removed the breastplate, giving her a glimpse of his abdomen as he raised his arms. She felt her lips part as she took in the defined V of his hips.

Blushing she turned her back to him as she fought to keep her thoughts from wandering. What would his skin feel like if she ran her hands from those beautiful lines and up his torso? Curiosity burned within her, wondering if he kept his chest smooth or if she would find hair to entwine her fingers in. Did his tattoos go past his shoulders? Did they connect under his clavicle or did they run to his chest? What did his back look like? She had seen how the definition of the sleek muscles showed beneath the tight cloth of his shirts… she closed her eyes, he fingers splayed at her side as she imaged in his flesh beneath her roaming palms. 

Her resolve broke and she peeked over her shoulder. She lightly bit her lower lip as her eyes soaked in his lean, defined form. For a moment she forgot how to breathe, her heart sped up and she soaked him in. Her eyes trailed their way up his form, widening when they met his; she turned forward, a blush blooming on her cheeks. She heard a quiet chuckle and gulped when she heard his pants hit the group. She closed her eyes and fought to get her racing heart to quiet in her chest, lest he hear it from across the room. The incense smoke did little to clear her hazy thoughts and she breathed in deeply, determined to maintain her composure. 

“I’m not opposed to you looking”, he said gently behind her. She jumped out of her skin as his hand touched her shoulder. “If something pleases you, you should enjoy it.”

With a nervous laugh she shifted away, cursing herself silently as her eyes dipped for the mere breath of a second and felt a bit of relief at the sight of his soft black pants. The motion, as quick as it was, did not escape him, a slow subtle smirk drifted across his lips. She gulped and pointed her nose, turning her face away in a faux arrogance that she hoped would push him away. Her heartbeat was too loud in her ears, her breaths turned shallow. 

“Nothing here to tempt me. A human body is just that, a human body.” Her voice quivered, giving her away. He moved like a cat, the confidence of experience rolling off of him leisurely. She stiffened anxiously, willing her shoulders not to pinch up protectively. She wasn’t fooling anyone. Although not totally pure, she knew she was a far cry away from the priest of a sex god. Suddenly she felt as if she were a virgin again, unease pooling in her abdomen and putting out the embers of heat that had slowly been glowing to life. Caught in his gaze she felt like a prey animal caught in a trap. 

His smirk dropped into a soft line and he took a step back, his hands palms up in a gesture of peace.  Suddenly his eyes lost their own heat and she watched as he shifted from a predator about to pounce, to someone  on the defensive. He kept his eyes on mine as he moved back, every movement calculated. 

“Its okay.” He whispered, his finger gently pointing towards the door. Her cheeks burned hotter than before, embarrassment creeping up her neck. She fought the urge to run out the door, instead attempting to move with as little dignity she possessed.

 Once in the hall she fought back tears, what just happened? The two of them had been eye fucking each other for weeks. Being in the same room, surrounded by acolytes, the pull between them set her body ablaze. But being alone with him in that room was something totally different. There was no illusion, there was no daydream, it was too real. Suddenly everything his heated gaze seemed to promise felt like a threat. Once she was sure he wouldn’t hear, she ran at full speed, not stopping until she made it to her room and she slammed the door shut. 

What was wrong with her? She’d had sex in the past. She was not a novice. She had been called a goddess herself once or twice, it wasn’t as if she didn’t know what she was doing. But he was still a stranger to her. They had done little more than make small talk in the past several weeks.  She made her way to the bed and curled up beneath the blankets. The sound of the slowing pace of her racing heart thrummed in her ears; still seeing the glimpses of him behind her eyes, her winding confused thoughts lulled her into an uneasy sleep. 

The wild self

"The wildness in ourselves is that part of us that longs to live close to the nature - at one with the land, the seasons, the stars. It is that part of us that longs to walk barefoot in the grass, to swim nakes in a river; to lie beneath the sun, sensing the deep earth beneath us, and feeling the cool breeze across our skin. It is also that part of our perception and comprihension that is inherent, not learned or aquired - the heritage of the insuitive and instinctive wisdom that is our birthright."

It recommends sitting in a sweat house or doing a ritual under the full moon to help coax out the wild self, afterall it will take time - its been repressed and denied by our society for a very long time. 

Perhaps I should do a makeshift one; sitting in the shower with the candles lit. Sort of like the ritual baths I would do. 

Bardic Practicum 1

  “What do the Druids and Druidry mean to me?”

The druids are our spiritual celtic ancestors. They were the poets, the story tellers, the oracles, the healers, the spiritual leaders and the link between the mundane and the divine. They worked with magic, divination, spirit, and plants. 

To me this manifests through the bardic magic. 

Spells and spirit work through poetry, messages through dance and daydream. 

The term druid has always been heavily associated with nature and plants, and thus I havn't really ever felt a call or connection to it. However, I have felt connected to "Bard" which Ihave learned was a specific type of druid. 

Magic and energy manupilation through music. Messages from the gods or my guides through music. Meanings hidden under the lyrics... hearing the lyrics opening me up to feel the emotion and intention that the gods/guides send through. Manifesting my hopes and desires for myself through the daydreams and stories I write. 

Thats Bardic. 

Charged prayers, spells, in the form of poetry have always been a better way for me to release the energy and intention as opposed to more imitative or contagious forms of waitcraft. 

I started out bardic. I moved away from it in an attempt to assimmilate to the practices around me. 

But I am a Bardic witch; chatoic witch; eclectic pagan. I am working my way up to being an oracle, but I have a very long way to go. I have the potential... but just like in OBOD, I must master the bardic practices first. 

So while I would not call myself a druid, I know that I will find their teachings and practices helpful on my journey. 

Awen 1

 All that I long for, to hear and see 

Teases me gently just out of reach 

The gods, the fae, spirits, and such 

I long to feel their embrace and touch. 

My own divinity hidden within 

Feels chained and trapped beneath meat and skin. 

My own power is there, if I only just believe;

The one I should give my faith, truly, is me.

Bonding

 Okay so my therapist made me feel a bit better about not being able to bond and form attachments very easily. 

Essentially, there is nothing "wrong" that needs "fixing" when it comes to fearful-attachment; its just something to keep in mind when patterns emerge. 

as for my inability to attach to people, that is because I feel like there is no bond. I have only ever known trauma bonding.  

"Trauma bonding is when a deep attachment develops from a cycle of physical and/or emotional abuse or trauma followed by positive reinforcement. Trauma bonds most commonly develop in romantic relationships, and leaving these relationships can be very hard."

""A trauma bond develops in relationships where there is a power imbalance and a cycle of reward and punishment."

When all you know is a cycle of rollercoaster emotions, with extreme highs and lows, when that is lacking and instead replaced with a very slow and steady pattern of behavior it is perceived as boring and none existent. 

All (highs and lows) or Nothing is what i feel when it comes to bonding with other people. 

I do have relationships in my life that are not trauma bonds, but they took a VERY long time to develop, and usually developed while I was trauma bonded to someone else; helping me cope.

I don't have a trauma bond up here - so there is no give and take to keep me attached to someone. I don't have a trauma bond to need help with dealing with to help me attach to friends. 

I am have to learn how to bond with people in a healthy way... which apparently means slowly. very slowly. 

Essentially I need a frog in hot water kind of bond. it heats up slowly and without me noticing it until boom - I realize I actually care about a person. 

Daily Prompt

 the last one was one I ws behind on. 

Todays: One thing I wish people knew about me is how lost I feel, and how much I truly long to connect to the important things around and within me. 

I need the time to do so. I need the space to do so. 

I genuinley feel like I need a spiritual retreat; theres a buddhist monestary here that I am curious if they accept over night visitors. 

Daily Reflection

I am devoted to my purpose in life.

What is my purpose?

To lead people to personal power and healing through spirituality and religion. 

To be a spiritual leader and healer. 

I am persuing this by getting a M.Div in interfaith chaplaincy so that I have a practical degree for career options. 

But deep down I want to open my own business  so that I can go to events and festivals as a vendor so do my readings; while at the same time (if possible) occupying a space as a community spiritual leader - either as a chaplain, at a intentional community, or at a health retreat. 

Financial Goals

 I don't want or need a high net worth. I really don't. 

I just want to be able to afford a comfortable life. 

Ideally I would want to be able to:

• Own and operate 1, maybe 2 businesses. (honestly, one might evolve into the second one)
• Non-Profit if I can. (pay myself a livable salary, keep the business open, & the rest goes back into the community)
• Interfaith Spiritual services --> Festival vendor & local service
• Tea with Anubis --> Metaphyiscal Tea & cofee shop 
• Retirement (which I want to be a semi retirement. I want to ALWAYS be providing interfaith services)
• Ellie's college/a private savings for her -- if I have a child then it would be for them. 
• Be able to travel as I want. 

Meaning some investment (Ellie & Retirement), but mostly Cash (living expenses, costs of the business, debt, and travel).

Dream Job:

• Provide spiritual services at a spiritual health retreat
• Provide spiritual services at an intentional Community 
• Provide spiritual services at a local level via small non profit & festival vendor

Spiritual services:

• Diviniation
• Crisis Counceling (not a long term councelor. but in emergency - chaplain training)
• Guided meditations
• Spiritual Retreat Leadership
• Private sessions with spirit (this would be tailored to the individual)
• Custom Spellwork
• Classes/Workshops

I just want a small office space - like a single storefront; less than 700sq ft. 

• I don't feel the need to own a home.
•  Currently I don't have anyone to pass it off to and I don't see that changing. 
• I don't want to grow my business, I don't need employees (unless I open the cafe). 
• I just want to be able to save up and afford to be comfortable. I want to work at my own pace & have the financial freedom to do do that. 

daily prompt

 I need my five-year old self to know that... magic does exist. 

Those things that you feel, you know, you believe in are real. 

You are loved. 

You are safe in the arms of the gods. 

You are never alone. 

Everything that has happened and will happen  - happens for a reason. 

You have so much joy coming in your future, remember that. 

You don't have to think the way everyone else does. 

***mind you I have no memory from when I was 5 so I don't know how I felt back then***

Daily prompt

 A peice of clothing that makes me feel powerful is... my warrior queen/dark goddess costume. 

You put that on and suddenly you are 10ft tall and bullet proof. I am afraid of nothing and I am ready to take on the world. 

add in a body harness around the torso and legs? powerfiul. 

The only other thing that helps boost my confidence in a smallwe way is wearing my elf ears. 

attachment and dating

 its becoming clear to me that I have a pattern. 

Its always been hard for me to grow attached to people and then when I do I am 100% the opposite - I am ALL about them. But it takes me a hot minute to get attached  - usually through trauma bonding. 

There was 2 relationships out of my adult relationships that I had a gradually building attachment; with a slower courtship, everything else was kind of an initial interest with no attachment to pressure cooking into an intense attachment - so much that I couldn't let go even though I knew it wasn't healthy. 

So doing what I do... I researched. Apparently its called Fearful - Avoidant Attachment style. 

"People with fearful-avoidant attachment styles may show up to a party [or date] because they want to meet new [people]. At the party [or date], they seek out closeness with other people, perhaps engaging in deep conversations... However, at the end of the evening, they don’t feel particularly close with any of those [people] and won’t reach out to see them again. This is because they have a difficult time feeling intimate with others, platonically and romantically."

^^^^^ that is me to a FUCKING T. 

I can get suuuuuper deep and philosophical and discuss like intense things with people, I can be super compassionate and empathetic, and have just the BEST time. and then be totally fine with never talking to them again. Its why I am AMAZING at first dates but the second one fizzles and by the time the third date rolls around i'm like.. "what's the point?" 

its why I have the 3 date rule. I sort of feel like I owe someone 3 dates - but I can also be like "after 3 dates, I don't see it going anywhere, thanks" and walk away with no worries. 

I also do not initiate any of the dates. ever. I'll initiate conversations (sometime) but I haven't actually felt interested enough to initiate the date. I won't say no to one, but if the date gets initiated before I have developed any interest... its almost guaranteed that it won't change. At least so far it hasn't. 

I like chatting online, but its soooo hard for people to hold my focus. Idk. I want to meet people and connect... but its so hard to actually CONNECT. Conversation is not hard but while the content may be deep the connection to the person is at best surface level. 

I don't want to give up the hope I'll meet someone, but I also feel like it would have to come out of no where. Like...  I need a friendship to turn into a relationship or sort of like with what happened with my first girlfriend where there was initial interest but we both hung out as "friends" before either of us changed the context. 

Dates just have too much pressure and expectation. I don't want to be responsible for that person's feelings if I can't develop an attachment. 

I know what I want in a relationship. But I can't seem to figure out what it takes for me to become initially interested. 

Even if there is initial interest; it still takes a lot of time for me to grow attached  - and in the past it seemed just when I finally let go of any fear in a relationship - it ended. As long as I had a back up plan (in case they left) it seemed they wanted me... but as soon as I stopped constantly planning for the end, they didn't want me anymore. To date, I havn't really seen any good examples of lasting relationships (not healthy ones at least). I havn't experienced any. 

The way things are now, I don't think i'll be able to develop a romantic relationship; not a healthy one.  I will say out of these 5 issues with dating - the first two only happen in the initial "dating" stage, not when in an actual relationship. The last three are true only in a committed relationship - not in the casual "dating" phase. 

1. Difficulty opening up: Fearful attachers may have a hard time sharing their feelings and vulnerabilities with a romantic partner, for fear of being judged, rejected, or abandoned. They may also fear that their partner will see their flaws and imperfections and withdraw from the relationship.
2. Mixed signals: Fearful attachers may send mixed signals to their partners, alternating between hot and cold behavior. They may push their partner away one moment and then pull them back in the next, leaving their partner confused and uncertain about where they stand. They often don’t even realize when they are doing this.
3. Jealousy and possessiveness: Fearful attachers may feel intense jealousy and possessiveness in their relationships, due to their fear of losing their partner. If they are on the more anxious side of the spectrum, they may become overly attached and clingy, demanding constant reassurance and attention from their partner. If they are on the more dismissive side of the spectrum their jealousy may cause them to push you away or withdraw.
4. Sabotaging the relationship: Fearful attachers may engage in self-sabotaging behaviors that undermine the relationship because of their lack of faith in themselves and others. They may push their partner away in an attempt to test their partner’s loyalty or to preemptively end the relationship before they can be hurt.
5. Difficulty ending the relationship: Fearful attachers may also have a hard time ending a relationship, even if it is not healthy or fulfilling for them. They may cling to the relationship out of fear of being alone or fear of the unknown, even if it means staying in an unhealthy situation that is causing them pain or distress.

I feel like my only hope is to meet someone organically - but at the same time I really don't have any hope because how the hell am I going to meet someone like that? I don't really go out; when I do I am glued to the only friends I currently have. My boss has said I have to fix my mind set (love myself more, get past my depression, get my trauma in check, stop holding onto past relationships, stop with the "I can't" "I need meds to fix me" mindset).

I need to fix a LOT with myself and I know that I am just not emotionally available for an actual relationship... but I am still so lonely. so so so lonely. I do CRAVE connection and intimacy but I also refuse to settle into something that isn't right. But I won't find someone unless I am open to it. 

idk. I feel like I am a walking contradiction.

I want the attention and the company but I don't want them to get too attached unless I do, and 9/10 I won't get attached. 

I really do need that slowburn reationship. I need that no expectations, open communication, patience, and flexible evolving love. 

Mind you once sex gets involved I want things to be exclusive - but not necessarily a committed relationship. For some reason that seems to be abnormal??  Which is why casual dating hasn't been successful for me. 

I'm too jealous and insecure for truly "casual" or open dating once sex gets involved. 

I'm not emotionally available enough to be in a serious relationship. 

I'm also just way to fucking picky. 

I almost want an exclusive casual relationship with someone who is romantic in behavior? 

But I almost wonder if you take away the pressure of romantic emotions and expectations, but provide security/safety with exclusive physical intimacy if I could feel safe enough to form an attachment with someone?

I think right now I just need someone who is laid back and fun, but has the same overall values as me. Where we can be exclusive to each other without a long term commitment.

I've said that my next relationship, faith would be a corner stone, and that I want to connect with someone spiritually - and swore that sex would not be the glue in the relationship. 

Now? I want respect to be the cornerstone, with a spiritual connection that leads to a romantic one. Sex can come naturally - I just want to make sure that I am wanted for ME and not for my body. 

But how the fuck am I going to find that at all anyway? When anytime I meet someone I instantly feel like I'm just chatting with a stranger that I will never see again. Even if I can agree with someone on important values and on paper they seem right its just like... cold in my chest. 

'

And I don't know what to do. 

Weekly Goal

Keep the answer there until I acheive it. 

1. What could I STOP doing
1. negative self talk
2. worrying about future job market
3. only eating one meal a day
2.  What could I do LESS of
1. watch less TV
2. researching "hypothetical" living situations for the future
3. forced social interaction
3. What could I do MORE of
1. drink more throughout the day
2. Bring snow to work with me
3. Celebrate little victories 
4. What should I CONTINUE to do
1. five minute work outs with Rach
2. Go to church - gives community & time with the sacred
3. Have at least 1 social interaction a week that is soothing (darts & Jazz/Isaac)
5. What could I START doing
1. Making time for the sacred 
1. Spiritual Poetry
2. Lighting Deity candles
3. readings for myself 
2. Implimenting a new routine
3. Eating more

Diet

 Another major thing that has been fucking me over is my diet. 

I am so bad with food (when its just me).

So what are my biggest obstacles?

- cooking

- dishes

so lets remove them. 

I'll go back to a grazing and buffet style of meals unless I have a specific reason to cook. When I have the energy to make more put together meals I can (box kits will always be available as well as ingrdients to make hobo stew) 

Groceries to be bought as they run out

• milk (every 2 weeks)
• breakfast foods/protien drinks (monthly)
• eggs (monthly)
• cereal (every 2 months?)
• pasta 
• Feta for pasta (monthly)
• Rice
• butter
• frozen veggies for dog & cooking (greenbeans, brocoli,sweet potato fries, fajita mix, mushrooms)
• Dry cat food
• Dry dog food
• Dog treats

Fresh sides: 

• cheese sticks (1 month)
• crackers (1 month)
• hummus (1 month)
• Fresh Veggies (carrots, peppers, celery, brocoli) - (weekly? bi weekly?)
• Fresh fruit (grapes,strawberries, blueberries, manderine orange packs, etc) (weekly? biweekly?)

Buy  from sams - as needed

• 3 butter chickens (cook all at once & put into freezer)
• box of stuffed chx breast  
• Bag of grilled chicken Breasts 
• bag of salmon fillet 
• wet cat food (1 month worth)
• mac & cheese
• 1 bag shrimp
• fish sticks

Easy meal prep that requires minimal energy:

- butter chicken & rice (pop into microwave) 

- pop a protien itself in microwave/air fryer & eat with fresh sides & weekly pasta 

- Taco mix (seasoned turkey & rice)

- Eggs & rice

- Japanese Greenbeans & Rice (add ground turkey to make more of a meal?)

- shrimp & ramen

Structure

 Okay so I need to get more structure in my life. 

I lack motivation. I lack the desire to do thing... but I do desire to be healthier. I do desire to make people not worry. 

I don't know if structure will help shake the depression but I can try. 

What is my biggest hurdle? Fatigue. Why am I fatigued? I'm not getting enough energy from food and sleep - because I'm not getting enough of it. 

I spoke with Kat and want to develop a care plan for myself. 

**If made bold can be re-arranged***

DAILY:

•  Get up at 7:45am (not 8:15. not 8:30. and actually get up.)
• Schedule alexa to start playing music at 7:15 gently to slowly wake me up so that its not a harsh alarm that wakes me up from deep sleep. 
• Let snow out while I...
• Get dressed, brush hair, brush teeth.
• Grab a protien drink (be it coffee powder or the premade ones) - make coffee and add supliments to it? 
• Eat Vitamins
• Take snow on a small walk while drinking it
• drop snow off and go to work. / bring her to work with me
• Leave for work 8:40. 
• Go to work 
• do a daily journal
• graditude (what are you thankful for)
• Affirmation reflection/self love prompts
• Daily work load
• Do at least 1 module (OBOD or classwork)
• EAT SNACK or lunch if I can. --> starting in June come home for lunch & walk snow
• When I get home: 4:30-5pm
• let snow out
• call rach for fab 5 work out
• 10 minutes of cleaning  -- do it if you can. 
• take snow on walk
• Eat something 
• Now I can TV/Go hang with friends/dance/school/etc
• let snow out again
• feed cats & everyone gets meds -- 10:30 
• 30 minutes of reading/audiobook
• HOT shower to relax nervous system if i'm too wired. 
• Bed by midnight. 

Weekend:

• Saturday
• up by 10am
• let snow out 
• eat breakfast
• daily activity
• Time for the sacred (reading, poem, meditation, ritual)
• Bed by midnight/1am
• Sunday
• up by 8:45
• let snow out
• dress, brush hair & teeth
• breakfast? 
• leave for church 9:30
• Get home from church (11:30-1) OR go see mom right after
• Daily activity 
• Get home - feed cats & take meds
• take a HOT shower to soothe nervous system
• Do my weekly Goal reflection post. 
• bed by midnight

distress

 Things that cause distress and keep me up at night

• Anxiety over my job
• dealing with other people's money
• making sure I get there on time
• what am i going to miss this time? 
• Did i miss somethign with a turn?
• so many little mix ups
• Anxiety, fear, shame, betrayal --- PTSD
• flashbacks with ^ emotions
• flashbacks with irritation
• screaming internal voice... need stimulation/ditraction 
• Constantly thinking about the future
• will I have job security
• will i find fulfillment
• where will I live
• what kind of life style will I have
• will I be forever alone? --> avoidant attachment 
• So lonley but I can't form attachments
• Rachael, Jazz & Isaac, Chip
• Everything feels  disconnected - I am the toxic one now
• Does this make me a bad person?
• Constant need for stimulation -- anxiety if not. Brain must ALWAYS BE GO GO GO GO 

Nesting Possibilities

If I were to do something that was semi-permanenet & semi-nomadic I would need to have a home base. Especially if I were to start  a faith-based not for profit business and needing an office space for that. (could then be an official vendor through that business at festivals)

 States that I would consider based off chaplaincy friendliness, queer Rights, women's rights, and weather.

Top contenders:	Second tier	Mid
Nevada	California $$	Colorado (chap & $$)
New Mexico	Coneticut $$	Michian (all mid)
Oregon	DC $$	Minessota (mid & cold)
Rhode Island	Hawaii $$	Nebraska (mid & cheap)
North Carolina	Maryland $$	NH (women & $$)
Deleware	MA ($$ & cold)	NY (cold & $$)
WV (money)	Arizona (hot&$$)	Virginia (women & $$)
	Iowa (cold)	WI (mid & cold)
	WA ($$)

 

States that allow tiny homes:

• Arizona
• California
• Eureka, CA
• Chico, CA
• Stockton, CA
• Colorado
• Florida
• Georgia
• Idaho
• Indiana
• Kansas
• Maine
• Massachusetts
• Michigan
• Minnesota
• Nebraska
• Nevada
• New Hampshire
• New Mexico
• North Carolina
• Oregon
• Pennsylvania
• South Carolina
• South Dakota
• Tennessee
• Texas
• Utah
• Vermont
• Washington

States that do not allow tiny homes

• Alabama
• Alaska
• Arkansas
• Connecticut
• Delaware
• Hawaii
• Illinois
• Iowa
• Kentucky
• Louisiana
• Maryland
• Mississippi
• Missouri 
• Montana
• New Jersey
• New York
• North Dakota
• Ohio
• Oklahoma
• Rhode Island
• Virginia
• West Virginia
• Wisconsin
• Wyoming

I could try to get a permanently tiny house or rent a studio apartment. Rent office space. Own a small RV/Trailor camper for when I want to be nomadic. 

Email to my therapist

 I wanted to reach out and say thank you. 

I went on a deep dive today and most of what I read about people like me (who feel lost and wanting to reconnect to their native heritage) and reached out to the internet in general faced a lot of backlash. It pretty much boiled down to "if all you have is hearsay from family stories that's not good enough".  Which is the very thing I'm afraid of. I don't think I'm brave enough to try to find an ally right now, and after talking to my sister I was surprised to find out she feels a lot like I do and outside of my grandmother she also feels she is too white passing to be accepted. I read a few articles of people that felt similarly but found community through college clubs or one lady found support through a church organization. 

I don't know if I will ever get to reconnect to my native heritage but I do believe it is there. I prayed to my ancestors for the first time in a very very long time. I did a reading with my medicine cards and asked them about this hole that just sits inside me, feeling alone and lost without community. Back in NC I had a community with the drag king and burlesque scene - but it took me YEARS to find it and make my way in.  Here and moving forward I'm not sure how to not be so alone; without community I isolate. So I asked them. 

They've pretty much assured me that:

1) I won't have to live a nomadic life full time because I am going to find fulfillment in chaplaincy and

2) Once I settle somewhere as a chaplain, I will once again find a sense of community.  I may not have a culture (even in the queer community I feel a bit like an outsider) but over time, even if it takes years, I will eventually have community again. 

I don't know if I will ever truly get past my sense of (lack of) identity, but as long as I'm not permanently alone I'll have to make do. 

But I wanted to say thank you, because you bringing it up gave me the push I needed to reach out to my ancestors. Something I have a really hard time with doing. It will probably be a while before I do so again, I never know what to ask them or talk to them about. But it was nice. 

Life Plan B notes

See which ones require a masters degree, which ones allow master degree credits to transfer, which ones offer a stipend via fellowship, research grant options, which ones are distance vs on site.  

https://degrees.apps.asu.edu/masters-phd/major/ASU00/LARELIGPHD/religious-studies-phd?init=false&nopassive=true

https://www.profellow.com/fellowship/boston-university-fully-funded-phd-in-theological-studies/

https://www.profellow.com/fellowship/brown-university-fully-funded-phd-in-religious-studies/

https://www.profellow.com/fellowship/brown-university-fully-funded-phd-in-religious-studies/

https://www.profellow.com/fellowship/duke-university-fully-funded-phd-in-religious-studies/

https://www.profellow.com/fellowship/northwestern-university-fully-funded-phd-in-religious-studies/

https://www.profellow.com/fellowship/stanford-university-fully-funded-phd-in-religious-studies/

https://www.profellow.com/fellowship/university-of-notre-dame-fully-funded-phd-in-theology/'

https://www.profellow.com/fellowship/fordham-university-fully-funded-phd-in-theology/

https://www.profellow.com/fellowship/georgetown-university-fully-funded-phd-in-theology-and-religious-studies/

Life plans

Okay so I hate the idea of working a job that is not fulfilling for the rest of my life so much that I had decided if the chaplaincy route did not give me the fulfillment i needed to do it every day for the rest of my life I was going to kill myself. 

Since making that decision the gods have presented alternative options. 

so... life plans. 

• A  - Full time chaplaincy; preferrably at a University but Hospital or Prison is also accepted. (I would most likely work with hospice though)
• the hard part is getting board certified. I have to have a letter of endorsment from a legally recognized denomination (UU - not likely, Circle Sanctuary, Sacred Well)
• B - College Professor. Part time Chaplain while I work on a PhD in Religious Studies /Anthropology of religion. 
• Possible disertation ideas:
• Spirituality in the festival subculture; an ethnography (research grant to pay for my skoolie and expenses????)
• The study of devotion; ethnography of comparative devotional living (monk, priest, nun, rabbi, preacher, etc)
• C - A&B will help me to be able to eventually live either full time or part time nomadically in a skoolie/nice RV while being a vendor for different festivals and fairs. 
• A will provide a method of income no matter where I live. It is my saftey net. 
• B will provide me the means to be an online religious studies/anthropology professor as a remote form of income, as well as a potential nesting career. Second saftey net.
• I am currently looking into the idea of maybe getting a PhD in tandem with my M.Div. If I do that then depending on the program I may get free tuition and a living stipend. Devote myself to just school. (this would not be for this year, but the following, so I have more time to research)
• C is something I think I would truly benefit from. With A&B as saftey nets. Racheal's house, which ever state she is in, as a home base if I ever need to pause for a moment. My days would be filled with school, adventure, spirituality, nature, and various forms of community. 

This would be a 10 year plan. A can be acheived in the next 4 years. B can be achieved within the next 5-7.  C can be acheieved somewhere in that mean time, if not sooner. 

Nomad vs Nest

Okay so I get it; there's perks to both nomad and nest living. If I don't go full nomad with a Skoolie; I might settle for a House rental or even buying as cheap of a home as I can; and getting a camper. 

Nesting

• consistency; steady stream of income
• stability
• solid community
• financial security
• Always have somewhere to come back to
• shelter from cold weather
• Familiarity
• Easier to form relationships

Nomad

• freedom -  you can go anywhere
• escaping the 9-5 life
• work life balance - you work less, because you need less money, you enjoy life more
• a lot cheaper!!! Money may be inconsistent but you really do need less of it
• Festival life: Bartering system, communing with nature, spiritual community
• You form loose community; you'll see a lot of other nomadic people festival to festival
• minimalism; you find out just how little you need to be happy
• you control where you go, when you go, when you get up, when you go to bed

I wonder if there was a way I could do 50/50. Be semi-nomadic. Look into Part time chaplaincy. Or look for a work schedule like... 3 12 hour shift days or 4 10 hour shifts. More days off in order for travel? I want to be able to travel to different festivals as a card reading vendor and enjoy festival life. 

I could also look into Part time Chaplaincy and a religious studies adjunct professor/community college professor.  

I not only want to provide spiritual comfort and counseling, but I want to teach others. These might be things I can offer at festivals? 

• Connecting to the divine; various methods of meditation & connecting via plant medicine
• Communicating with the divine; various methods of communicating with the divine
• The divine within; a course on self love & acceptance through spirituality, spiritual abilities
• Magic & the Divine; introducing the basic forms of magic, magic through different cultures, types & purposes of spells and rituals

Alternative cont

 Okay so look.

Nomadic living is actually feasible; it’s something I always wished for but figured only rich people could do it.but that’s not true. 

A lot of nomadic people flow from festival to festival all over the country following the good weather, as vendors. There’s seasonal work to follow the weather as well. 

And worst case scenario? I get a job as a chaplain and park my tiny home on wheels at a mobile home park and rejoin the sedentary way of life again. 

But the way I see it, a bus tiny home is the best of both worlds; I can rent a lot at a mobile home park or lease an annual spot at an rv park, then have the ability to move as I see fit. While also owning my home (once it’s paid off. Same as a mortgage). 

It would be a hell of a lot cheaper than buying a house and it lacks the fear of being stuck somewhere. 

I can refill the water tank at parks, truck stops, and camp sites. I can park for free at national parks, BLM land, truck stops, rest stops, etc. 

if I ever decide I want to buy a brick and mortar home then ill park my bus in the back as a guest house. 

In the meantime; 

-I could keep my Wisconsin residency;  (https://wisconsindot.gov/Pages/dmv/vehicles/title-plates/school-bus-conversion.aspx#:~:text=To%20title%20and%20register%20the,Original%20title%20for%20the%20bus )

- register and pay the taxes on the RV when I get it because after that I only have to pay like $100 a year to renew the license plate/tags. (have them mailed to momma)

- Can park the bus on Jazz's land and drive to mom's. 

Alternative

 Okay notes.

Finance options

• buy a pre-converted bus with an auto loan; personal loan for motorcycle 
• If I can't find a pre-made one... maybe I can reach out to Reggie for help? If he will help me with the initial cost and I reimburse him with the loan?
•  car loan for the bus... personal loan for the conversion ---> too $$ depending. 
• Home builders loan?

Ways to Earn an income

• seasonal camp ground work
• camp counselor 
• 10 readings a day ($75) 6 days a month would cover $4000. (that's 2-3 festivals a month)
• freelance writing
• bartender/server
• Delivery Driver
• Virtual Assistant

How to get health insurance, car insurance, etc - South Dakota and Florida are the quickest and easiest state to establish residency, especially for location-independent workers and nomads. South Dakota allows you to establish domicile with a simple process that requires just a receipt for a one-night stay at an RV park.

Class A motor home for insurance purposes. 

Design:

https://www.nomadichomesllc.com/contact-us/

https://pavedtopines.com/blogs/a-blog-about-van-conversions-and-skoolies/beginners-skoolie-guide-what-is-the-best-bus-to-convert

I like the size & bed area of; with the drawers built into the wall. 

 https://www.rvt.com/Bluebird-International-3800-1998-Glendale-CA-ID11493593-UX175156

I like the kitchen & bathroom in this.... incendiary toilet could go in the shower to save space.

https://www.rvtrader.com/listing/2005-Freightliner-Freightliner+Thomas+FS-65-5030222449

Take out sofa..... put in small table/desk & bookshelves for shrines. 

https://tinyhouselistings.com/search?property_type=converted_bus&sort_attribute=created_at&sort_order=desc

https://tinyhouselistings.com/dreamlists/bus-van-skoolies

BPD... maybe I do have it?

 Remember how I said I don't think I had BPD because I lack te oscillation between extremes of “idealization” and “devaluation" / extremes between "love" and "hate"?

I don't have it with people. 

But I'm realizing I have it with situations.

 I ricochet to the extremes when it comes to my social life and my job. One day I love my job, the next i'm on indeed looking for something else because I want to fucking quit. Some of that is burn out, but usually theres a situation that occurs that makes me think "i'm so fucking over this, if I don't leave I'm going to fucking lose it." Mind you, my sense of self preservation/need for survival makes me keep my mouth shut. (I've always been this way. Especially around the 4-6 month mark.)

Or I'll be chatting with someone and its fine and then they are trying to make plans. If its planned for a different day its fine, and then as soon as that day arrives I'm so fucking irritated that I have these plans that I don't want to do unless its with certain people (My mom, my sister, Rachael, sometimes Fen). I'm irate that I have to go out and be social... once i'm there i'm generally fine, but the strength of my dread is extreme. Being asked out on a date can feel like a threat, while a moment ago before they asked everything was fine. Or if its last minute plans I have a 50/50 nuetral reaction or again.. irate/revulsion. Its not aginast the person, its to the thought going out and meeting them/leaving home.

Now I do settle down and it passes. 

Some of it is annoyance, some of it is dread, some of it is.. something I can't put a name on so I'll say anxiety. 

But I have noticed it. Its never towards people. Its always situations. 

Does that count?

Sending to my therapist to see what she says. Will update. 

Meal Delivery?

 Okay so... hear me out. 

I struggle with eating. When I do eat I know its not the most nutritional food.I don't have an eating disorder, its just that I forget to eat, I don't have the energy to cook or I don't want to do the dishes, or theres just nothing I WANT to eat.  *Dishes actually plays a very big role in my not eating. 

I am playing around with the idea of doing one of those meal plan delivery things. It would give me a variety of food, nutritional, and If I order for 2 people that means its 2 meals - dinner and lunch the next day... or two dinners. If I eat twice a day then that would mean I need 14 meals a week. Lets be honest... I dont. On the weekends I eat popcorn and cereal. On wednesdays I tent to get pizza at darts, and usually I don't eat during the day. 

However I will try to do better, especially since I will be living closer to home. I also want to try to develope habits... so cooking for the week on one day (cook all the meals in the box), putting them all in tupperwear, and putting them in the deep freeze. I can take out what I want and plop it in the microwave. 

I'll still buy gorceries, but mostly staples (milk, eggs, frozen veggies for snow, snack foods like cheeze its or popcorn kernals, butter, drinks) as needed. I'll keep a few things in the freezer for easy meals if I run out of meal prepped foods/am still hungry after my portion or want to change it up but I know they will last longer now (frozen baked chicken breasts for salads, pot pies, chicken nuggets). I'll keep pantry staples stocked (rice, pasta, potted meats, etc). 

3 meals for 4 people  = 12 meals. This would be $72 a week. (that works out to be about 312 a month) We'll say 285 for budgeting.  thats 10 HEALTHY meals a week. Plus I'd say an extra $50 for the staples from walmart. $362 = $375. Its also nice because I can pause the meal plan anytime. So If I find that I'm not keeping up and eating all of the food, I can move to every other week, every 2 weeks etc. 

I also have been spending less than I allocated on pets. I probably spend about 70 a month on them, maybe a bit less. 

---------

income: $3087 + 175 = 3262 = 3260

$1095 rent

$55 internet 

$120 utilities -- I will pay for electric only but idk what that will look like. 

$271 loan --> pay it back with student loan (could be until May that i even see financial aid)

$50 (sams club) credit (the rest pay with student loan)

$70 Joint membership 

$235 car payment

$90 car insurance 

$370 health insurance through marketplace

$117 student loans (current is $170 but it will be redone in May; i applied for SAVE program)

$70 pets

$44 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space, 30 webtoon, 7 peacock)

$80 gas (7 min drive to work, visit milwaukee 3 times a month?)

$75 savings 

$50 Roth IRA

$375 Groceries (meal plan, snacks, staples, substitutes)

$45 - Darts (pizza, 2 drinks, & tip)

----------------------------

2945

With the move... I might be able to afford it. Have 1 day of unpleasantness (cooking & dishes. Will do 2 loads of dishes, tupper wear & utensil then cooking dishes)

Maybe I'll splurge and start buying fresh food as my snacks. (carrots for crunch, grapes for flavor, etc)

We shall have to see. 

I also wouldn't be doing this until I went through most of the groceries that I currently have. I'm just going to be sure not to buy anything but the staples until I've gone through my reserve.