Reflect

So I have been in a car for 10+ hours and have had plenty of time to reflect.

I’m 100% okay with how things have turned out.

The cards and bones predicted a fight and hurt feelings.
Check.

They predicted I would lose friends (probably from college)
Check.

This was suppose to happen.
I’m okay with it.

Because I haven’t felt like I belonged in the group for a very long time.  I’ve felt like I’m was just a floater. And apparently I was.

I don’t blame Amy for not wanting to be. Friends with me.

I just want everyone to be happy.

Maggie and our are happy.
Jimmie and I are happy.
I would hope Any and Brooks are happy.
B and Aaron? Well there happiness may still be a work in progress but I wish them well.

And if the groups happiness is improved by my absence then good.

But this is needed.

I’ve been seeing moths and grasshoppers everywhere.
Meaning a time of change is needed to increase my life’s joy. And that I will be taking uncanny leaps forward in life.

Some friends are meant to stay with me, others are not.
I’ve just come to accept it.

I learned a lot from the group, new styles of doing divination (I need to get me a Russian tarot deck) and while I hope they stay safe in their practices, I’m almost a bit...  relieved. I no longer feel that I have to constantly prove myself or feel that I am not trusted and unwelcome. I  never really felt like my magic or energy mixed well with theirs. I have learned what it feels like to channel a goddess and while it is exhilarating, I don’t foresee the need nor do I have the desire to do it. I would be more interested in manifesting my own goddess energy again.

I’m looking forward to growing spiritually, and it seems that I’ve always done that best with more light energy. I’m not scared of the dark by any means but I look forward to seeing where my growth lies now.

I feel lighter.

I go forward with no negative emotions and honestly with them the best.

I’m just curious as to what life will bring me next.

Positive change

Change hurts.

But change is necessary.

Losing the witchy group hurts, but maybe it’s for the best. The more I think on it, my situation with them hasn’t been the most positive one for a long while, pretty much since I started dating Jimmie.

I do have friends that are more positive influence, now I’ll just have more time to see them.  Focus on positive energy and keep moving forward.

Reconnect with Chandler and possibly Ashley, see My other friends  more, and finally get to hang out with Lexi and Jacob outside of work.

Look forward, think positive. Shedding a new skin and continuing on the path.

Back in time

I feel like I’ve jumped back in time to a month or two ago when I was isolated from most of my friends and I was looking for a place to live for me Morgan and Cole.

So I ought end up living with them anyway, if we can find a place in budget with a decent size room. Because with theee of us living there I feel like if I’m home I’m going to be in my room.

But yeah. Don’t know where I’m going to live.
Don’t have very many friends again, and they few I do have I won’t be able to see very often.

I wish this tightness in my chest would ease.

Shit.

Shit. Was it Aaron I was talking to, or was it tanner. It was someone in the witchy group that I felt I could actually talk to.

It might have been tanner.

My heart hurts

So this weekend has sucked.


I came to the realization that the duplex that me Morgan and Cole wasn’t actually within budget because Cole has a lizard and it would jack the utilities up at least 60-75$.

And I honestly don’t know if he would be able to pay the 2/3s when that is added with water, sewage, trash pick up, internet, groceries, and any other expenses they might have.

So he suggested we go somewhere smaller and cheaper. But space is important to me. ESPECIALLY because there will be three of us and I know I’m going to go crazy without a space to myself. And if I  am spending a lot of time in my bedroom then I don’t want it to be cramped and small.

2 reasons for wanting to move out of where I am:
- bigger bedroom: I want another dresser and a desk and maybe a bigger bed. And shelves.
- more interaction for my cats

There isn’t enough reason for me to move.

Then on top of that I have just lost most of my friends. Possibly lost Morgan and Cole for not being able to live with them.

I lost my witchy friends because instead of fighting Maggie and Jimmie whenever they shut talked about brooks and Amy, I nodded along because there was no point in fighting with them.

All the things I just agreed with to allow them to vent got back to Amy.

We fought. I thought we were okay.

Then the rest of the friend group left me because Amy found out that I thought brooks would pressure her into sex. And I do. He did it to Maggie all the time and I don’t see why he wouldn’t do it to any.
But this comment came about when Amy told me something about Jimmie and I went to Maggie for advice because it didn’t change my views on him, and I didn’t know if it made me a bad person.

Well that got back to her too.

I don’t know who told her all of this; but the first was done to ease the bitterness of people in pain.
The second was said in confidence. I did say it to Maggie and I did say it to Aaron, but Aaron was also aware of what Amy had said and so it wasn’t a breech of confidentiality.

But whatever. They say they are done with me.
Fine.

Top 5 Grad Schools

so.... 4 hours of research in. color coded spread sheet. some basic math. and I have my top 5 grad schools narrowed down.

1.Cornell University (Ithica, NY)
2.University of Michigan, Ann Arbor (Ann Arbor, MI)
3. University of Texas, James A. Michener Center for Writers (Austin,TX)
4.University of Notre Dame (Notre Dame, IN)
5.University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop (Iowa City, IO)
6. Miami University, Ohio

Support

So... I’ve come to realize that my circle of support is quite small as of late.

But at least I know Jimmie supports me.

He probably couldn’t care less about all the research I do in my free time; be it about apartments or random topics... or grad schools.

But he listens anyway.  He doesn’t get annoyed like he does with others (or if he does, he doesn’t show it).

I told him about how I finally finished with the database and had emailed all the possible schools...

And I just expected him to say “cool” but instead he said “good job.”

And it’s just really nice to hear that sometimes...

Even if it’s something he doesn’t care about, he knew I put in effort and he encouraged me.

Sometimes it’s not the quantity of support but the quality.

Grad school Comparison~

i found a database that shows me every MFA program in the country for MFA in Creative writing. I'm going to look by state and then find the ones that allow genre/popular fiction. I am only going to include those that are fully funded. I have sent emails to all  that do not clearly state wether or not they allow genre fiction.

"Hello, 

I was curious as to what the stand point of your MFA in creative writing has on genre/popular fiction applicants?

thank you!

Lisa Sawyer"

i will contact the schools through a new email.

emailforgradschools@gmail.com --> same password.

Bold = accepts gere/popular fiction





Arizona

•  University of Arizona
• https://www.pw.org/content/university_arizona
• Arizona State University
•  https://www.pw.org/content/arizona_state_university
• allows genre? --> ???

California

• Chapman University
• https://www.pw.org/content/chapman_university
• offers limited number of full funding packages
• University of California, Irvine
• https://www.pw.org/content/university_california_irvine
• University of California, Riverside
•  https://www.pw.org/content/university_of_california_riverside
•  Mills College
• https://www.pw.org/mfa/mills_college
• allow genre??? --> yes, i think???? i emailed,

Colorado

•  Naropa University, Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics
• https://www.pw.org/content/naropa_university_jack_kerouac_school_disembodied_poetics
• offers 3 fully funded packages, but also has scholarships that can stack?
• THIS ONE SEEMS COOL
• possibly allows genre....---> they have to contact me first before i can ask.

Florida

• University of Florida
• serious inquiry
• "We don’t believe in any particular school of writing; we have no wish to foster or found one" id say thats a YES to genre fiction!
• https://www.pw.org/content/university_florida_0

Georgia

• Georgia College & State University
• https://www.pw.org/content/georgia_college_state_university
• allows genre? --> ???

Indiana 

• Purdue University 
• https://www.pw.org/content/purdue_university
• yes/no --> ??
• University of Notre Dame
•  https://www.pw.org/content/university_notre_dame

Iowa

• University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop
•  https://www.pw.org/content/university_iowa_writers’_workshop

Louisiana

• Louisiana State University
• https://www.pw.org/content/louisiana_state_university
• genre?

Maryland

• University of Maryland
• https://www.pw.org/content/university_maryland
• genre fiction?

Massachusetts

• University of Massachusetts  
• https://www.pw.org/content/university_massachusetts_boston_0

Michigan

• University of Michigan, Ann Arbor
• https://www.pw.org/content/university_michigan_ann_arbor
• Northern Michigan University
•  https://www.pw.org/content/northern_michigan_university
• Western Michigan University
• https://www.pw.org/content/western_michigan_university

Minnesota 

• University of Minnesota 
• https://www.pw.org/content/university_minnesota_0

Mississippi 

• University of Mississippi 
• https://www.pw.org/content/university_mississippi_oxford

Minnesota 

• Washington University 
• https://www.pw.org/content/washington_university
• full tuition and stipend PLUS separate fellowships to apply for more money!

New Jersey

• Rutgers University, Camden
• https://www.pw.org/content/rutgers_university_camden
• Rutgers University, Newark
• https://www.pw.org/content/rutgers_university_newark

New York

• Cornell University
• https://www.pw.org/content/cornell_university_0

Ohio

• Miami University
• https://www.pw.org/mfa/miami_university_0

Texas

• University of Texas, James A. Michener Center for Writers
• https://www.pw.org/content/university_texas_james_michener_center_writers

Virginia

• Hollins University
• https://www.pw.org/content/hollins_university
• Virginia Tech
• https://www.pw.org/content/virginia_polytechnic_institute_and_state_university

Wyoming

• University of Wyoming
• https://www.pw.org/content/university_wyoming

as schools email me back, I will remove or bolden them. 

What’s the point

I started back at Foodlion today.

Then I worked a bistro shift.

I remember this tiredness. The ill mood that goes with it. The sense of hopelessness. The aching body.  The dread at having to do it all again tomorrow.

I tasted freedom for two months. I couldn’t afford it.

If working so much is what I need to do to afford to live then what’s the fucking point?

I’m so tired and I’ll that all I want to do is cry and go to sleep. No eating. No socializing.
No energy.

I’m so fucking tired and I have to do it again. And again. And again.

Fuck this feeling.
Fuck Foodlion.

Just fuck everything.

I don’t want to have  I work two jobs.

I don’t want to have to move in with people that I really don’t think is going to work out.

I don’t want to be struggling any fucking more.

I’m tired of it.

I’m over 500$ in the hole because of that fucking trip to see Racheal - did she help at all? No. She laughed.

I went on that fucking black hole of water money and time  - excuse me, the cruise. That was 2000$ in the hole.

Now I have 1900$ from school.

I feel like I’m never going to get out.

I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow.

Dinosaurs and heated discussions

Both Jimmie and I were off from work today so we decided to have a date day to the museum of science.

On the way he and I ended up arguing over copyright and legal power and ownership over intellectual properties that writers have on the content they put out.

He and I have very different views.

But it really just boils down to the fact that he’s not a writer, he doesn’t understand and I don’t think he will.

Let’s hope this discussion doesn’t come about again, because if it does it might actually turn into a fight. And not a small one either.

I’m still very heated.

Anyway, we have a lovely day at the museum. We see the exhibits and the science center. I fangirl over the dinosaurs, he fan boys over the space and geology and technology.

It’s wonderful.

Then we go out to eat... and I get sick. It happened yesterday too... after eating I get... bowl issues and intense intestinal pain.

It’s becomming more common.

So we rush home, take a nap, watch a movie, and end up having another discussion.

About this scam music festival called fyre festival. A lot of people got scammed out of thousands of dollars, kept in conditions where they had limited access to shelter, food, and water. Not to mention illegally locked in an airport.

This is horrific. But Jimmie thinks it’s great because all of these people were rich.

As if that made them being robbed okay.

So now I’m going to bed irritated again.

Today had its ups and downs; the date was wonderful and I’m happy I got to spend the day with him, on the flip side I got to see a side of him that I did not like very much. The birth charts weren’t wrong when they said that his life view and mine did not align and it would cause issues.

And to put the icing on the cake: something is wrong with my jaw and it really hurts.

Done

So hey... I graduated.

Cum loude. Which means I graduated with a 3.5.


Had a drunk nerf war to celebrate.
Then the next night went drunk adventuring in the seelie court. Which was very nice.

I start back to working both jobs Thursday.

Joy. Joy.

But at least I can stop being such a burden on Jimmie. He’s pretty much the only reason I’ve been eating the past two months.

I’m going to be miserable.
But I need the money.