phantom of the opera otome game

BE STILL MY CRAZY FAN GIRL HEART

https://sandeian.wordpress.com/2012/08/24/otome-game-review-persona-opera-za-no-kaijin/


for me to read and squeal over later.

poison Ivy

so... the other night.... my friends wanted to make a fire for their fireplace and needed wood. So naturally he walks into the woods and gets a unch of stcks... and made me hold some.


next morning? Poison Ivy.

And this shit spreads like a forest fire.......

last night it was in my hears, my scalp, my eyes, my legs my stimaxh and back... a litttle on my arms but not too bad.

I took an oatmeal bath. I used an oatmeal paste. I now how calemine lotion on.

the paste worked magic.... but anywhere ther wasn't paste has now exploded with the rash.


however - the spreading is a misconception.

after 6 hours the oils naturally leave the skin... an outbreaks after that is from residue oil on clothes or isn't actually "spreading"; its just came into contact with the oil after other parts so the rash appears later.

Its not contagious after the first 6 hours.

i am miserable...



the first day it was all over my left side.  It has since gone down a good bit.
now its all over my right side....

I hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

please let this ends SOON.

speaking to professors

OK so i have this issue with talking to professors.

There is only one professor i am 100% comfortable just going up and talking to: Dr. Bunger. and thats because he is just so easy to talk to and so open and accepting of people. he just oozes nice-ness.

i could say the same thing about Dr. Loudon, but for some reason i can talk to him. He just seems... too cool?

like..Dr. Bunger i see as a mentor, and thus although i admire and respect him VERY much, i am more comfortable with him.

Dr. Loudon....idk i always feel like if i try to talk to him i'd be bothering him... or i get nervous and don't know what to say. but he is SO nice and friendly that i WANT to talk to him. i guess...i feel unworthy?

like the other day i waved to him in the halls while i walked to class and he was talking to someone. i didn't even think he saw me but he stoped talking long enough to say "hey lisa" and i swear i about exploded. he actually remembered my name. i was shocked.


i really need to work on this self-confidence thing.

and it isn't JUST Dr. Loudon, i feel like i'm bothering almost any professor when i go up and talk to them. But i guess i admire Dr. Loudon so much he's the one that sticks in my brain?

i think i have him on this pedestal in my mind and thus i am too low to talk to him?

i did/do the same thing with peers as well. If someone seems too awesome, i get shy and feel like i cant talk to them.

how do i get over that?

especially when i actually do want to talk to those people?

Self talk

So... Good things seem to be going on in my life. I feel like I did well on a very important midterm. I got to see a great movie. I have wonderful friends. I got good hours this week at work...

So why do I feel down?

I feel kinda empty. 

Like I just want to be hugged but no amount of hugs would ever be enough.

I miss my sister so bad it makes me want to cry. 

I'm worried I'll never find mrs. Right... I know I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me... But it seems so many people I know are engaged or married now. 

I recently posted some honest opinions on some friends' pages, might as well do it to myself.  I will leave myself a message as if I were speaking to someone else.

They say self talk is a conversation with the universe... I will speak this into being.

Lisa. You are a warm and loving person who impacts the lives of everyone you meet. You are quick to smile and laugh and your joy Is contagious. You are strong and brave enough to embrace love and spread it unconditionally. You make it your goal to make others feel loved and secretly that is what you want to feel as well although you would never ask it from anyone. You are loyal and compassionate. Smart. And your positive and free spirit lifts the spirits of those around you. You need to see your value. Accept that loving yourself is enough and you do need to truly love yourself. Embrace your natural ability to love and don't deny yourself that gift. It is through love (for others and self) that you will truly live. Do not fear what is to come, embrace it with a smile just as you would friend. Be fearless through love for it it the only thing you do not fear at all. 

As I write this, I will it to be so.

for bio anth lab 3 hours straight

smokey while i studied:

Rested on bed  - 10 minutes
shifted to change position - i minute
rested - one min
changed position and pawed at me to pet him  - 1 minute
i engage in petting - 3 mintes
he stands up and throws himself on me - one minute
we engage in petting  - 5 minutes
he gets up and moves 1 minute
lays down on pillow behind me - 1 minute
rests and watches me - 5 minutes
sleeps - 32 minutes

= 61 min

wakes, shifts, 1min
rests - 5 min
sleeps - 13 min
i shift - waking him - 1 min
he stands - i min
rubs against me as he walks across my lap - 1 min
walks around my room - 1 minute
sits on my dresser - 1 minute
meows at me wall - 2 minutes while i talk to him.
he stares at me - 1 minute
i call him over and he comes - 1 minute
i hold him - 1 minute
walks around room again sit on other dresser -1
meows - 1
scratches on wall - 1 minute
i yell. he stops. 1 min
sits while watching outside  - 10 minutes
walks back to me - 1 min
rests beside me on the pillow - 1 minute
rest.1 min
sleeps - 15 minutes

= 61

wakes, moves to my lap, lays. - 7  minutes while i pet him.
i move him, he curls up not too far from me and rests. - 3 minues
i lay on him and snuggle into his stomach - 2 mintes
i get up, he shifts position - 1 minute
sleeps - 22 minutes

=35

wakes, stretches, paws at me, 1minute
i pet - 2 minutes, he shifts,
bathes himself - 6 minutes
rests and watches me - 17 minutes
hears a noise and bcomes alet - 1 minute
noise repeats and e jumps off the best and out the room - 1 minute
 = 28

= 185 = 3 hours.

Hopeful

For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful of the future. Not the near future but the far future.

In the past thinking of the future left me feeling hopeless. Trapped. Caged. Filled with dread. Fear.

Now? Hope. Excitement.

I actually have an achievable plan for the future. 

I won't go into too many details, lest I jinx it,but I have a plan with my mother that will allow her dreams to come true and mine simultaneously.

I will have my writing career. And be able to coach tennis. 

I have found a way to realistically support myself and be a writer at the same time.

I will be able to devote hours to writing. Letting it engulf me... All the while not be starving and living out of a cardboard box.

In a sense... I will be free, not caged. Doing something that I love and helping out my mother as well.

I will still be exposed to people, I can write, and have tennis in my life.

For the first time I am truly hopeful for the future , instead of scared.

I almost can't wait.

Faerie Faith

I am a firm believer in faeries.
This used to be something i was slightly embarrassed about and didn't really go around advertising.
now?
HEY GUYS I LOVE FAERIES. FAERIE FRIEND <- RIGHT HERE.

i am unashamed. Its something i have a passion about.
Learning about them from cultures all over the world puts my spirit on cloud nine.
Just talking about them puts a light in my eye and a fire in my heart.

why should i be ashamed of something that brings me so much joy?
i shouldn't.

My past life aside, faerie lore is a passion.
No one should ever feel ashamed or embarrassed for their passion.

I'm learning to embrace my passion, its who i am. What is life without passion? Without learning?

i refuse to hide my faerie faith.

it makes up a big part of who i am and i am finding out, as i write this paper, that i am not only unashamed of it, but i am proud of my love of faeries.

And the more sure i am in this faith, the more experiences i have with them,

• They were some of the first people to comfort me when my heart truly broke for the first time. 
• they come check on me when i'm falling asleep.
• They beckon me to come see them in the woods in my neighborhood, although i have yet to develop the courage to come when they call. 
• at least on one occasion i've had one accompany me on a walk through the neighborhood in the form of a firefly. (how do i know it was a faerie? It stayed beside me the entire time, alnost in a straight line, and only when i was surrounded by a lot of metal - a bunch of trailers and cars- did it leave me. It came directly from the area of trees i had talked to and i never saw it fly away...it simply disappeared.)
• i've had numerous experiences with the house faeries. NUMEROUS.... one of which included an audible sound (i closed one in the door and it screamed. i thought i had shut a cat in the door but when i opened the door - i saw nothing. when i went to shut the door again, something physiclally stopped the door.)

My faerie faith is strong. They know this and so they interact with me (not often, but they do).

I am unashamed  and i am honest about my faith. I love them and i respect them. 

in no way does my belief in them harm me, just the opposite. it enriches my life - is that not the purpose of a faith? 

CD for Rach

So I've got some rock, pop, and country (in case you're missing some southern twangs ;) ) and of course one or two weird songs cuz i'm weird.

1. Connected  - because this was our song and you know you like it... don't deny it.
2. I miss you by Blink 182 - because i do.
3. Soldiers by Otherwise - because i think of you when i hear it.
4. **
5. The Maiden and the Selkie - a calm song for you? Plus i use to sing it a lot to practice for the talent show. make you think of me?
6. So far away by staind - because no matter what mistakes MAY happen they will never change who you are and how far you've come.
7.  One of us - this song will forever remind me of you. Its the song i sang for you the day before you first left for your first basic training.
8. So far away by avenged sevenfold - a sad song but i feel like its one you would like. 
9. Stronger - Britany Spears - becase everyone needs a power song. plus...seriously. Its Britany Bitch.
10. Red White and Blue by toby keith - because you're answering the call. and...'MURICA,
11. The call of the mountian by eluveitie  - because celtic rock? why not. bagpipes and guitar = yes. 
12. Sweet Child O'Mine by The Harp Twins - because the harp is relaxing and its twins and i just really wanted to share it with you. 
13.  Brave by sara bareilles - because you are honestly one of the bravest people i know. You don't back down. You don't give up. You don't keep quiet, you stand up.
14. When i'm gone by 3 Doors down - because its a song that reminds me of middle school and i always had you around. Now i can only have you for a bit and you're gone again. 
15.  Flashlight by Jesse J - because you're my flashlight.
16.  Already home by A great big world - because the when i heard this i burst into tears. I swear i'm not trying to make you homesick... but this was too perfect.
17.  Unbreakable by Fireflight - because you ARE UNBREAKABLE
18. Phantom of the Opera by Lindsey Sterling - because if nothing reminds you of me this will. 
19. Stand by Rascal Flats - because no matter how hard it gets, you can get through it.
20. Unhappily Ever After by Cjaye Lerose - because i had to end it on a light note and you and i found this gem in middle school when she first wrote this song. 

***hidden track (if it fits) Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans - because heart break doesn't last forever. And it kills me that i wasn't there when it happened. That i couldn't hold you and threaten to beat him up. I couldn't be a good sister. 

Rape.

I found out that someone I know raped a good friend of mine. She didn't press charges because underage drinking water involved.

This is the same someone I've hung out with before, alone. I always got an "off" or "be cautious" vibe from him. Now I know why.

I am so. Pissed. 

Rape is horrid. 

A fate worse than death. 

And this person... 

I feel sick. 

And I've been rude to him and if he approaches me to ask about it I don't know if I can keep myself composed.

past, present, future.

“It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”

― Hugh Laurie


This reminds me of another quote:

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

― Lao Tzu

heres the thing... to be in the present or the "now".... takes courage. Being afraid is far more easier than actually living life in the present.

Its why there are so many worriers.

i know i am trying to give up and renounce useless fears. I know some of my best memories are from when i said "carpe diem" and went for somethign - living in the present.

That kind of bravery comes in waves.

and for some unknown reason instead of geting braver - lately i am regressing.
i find myself becoming more fearful and anxious in my daily life.

but when it comes to spirituality i don't feel anxiety. doubt yes, but not fear. i feel safe and good enough whenever i focus my attention on spirituality.

but spirituality deals with the other side.
life? thats scary stuff.

i am finding myself afraid the more i try to renounce fear.

I use to focus on the past... for years. It seemed i was only able to focus on the present for a hours at most. Then i became stuck int he future.

I'm constantly trying to get ready because i'm afraid of the future. If i live in the present i might have failure in the future.

I want to live in the present...and sometimes when my mind is clear and i realize the present moment, for a few seconds i am without fear. completely. Moments like that are rare.... and when they come i have no desire to work on the things that make me anxious.

Like the faerie paper.... as much as i love them, the paper terrifies me. I know i need to work on it but i don't even know how to start... so i stress about it. When a clarity moment hits me... i think of the paper and how little it is in the scheme of things... i can breathe... then once again i am immersed in cold fear.

I truly am a coward.  I am afraid to live, because when ever i feel the present moment i know that i won't feel fear...and if i don't feel the fear i don't prepare for the future. Because i don't care about the future.

I don't know how to achieve balance....
thankfully i have not returned to my fixation on the past.

But if i stay stuck on future i will never really move forward and if i am in the present then i have no fear to motivate me.

how do i fix myself?

My present self is dangerous... she is the one that can stand up against those who cast negativity. She is the one that can inflict damage with a smile. She is the strong one. She is the playful one. The one i call my "faerie side"

I love the fresh air that being in the present gives me... its intoxicating... but its reckless. Its like my Euphoric phases when i wasn't on my meds.

but the anxiety of the future, if it gets any worse, will paralyze me.

I want to be that reckless girl who lives in the moment and doesn't care about the ocnsequences because this life is temporary and short and nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things.

but i'm too smart for that. i know consequences matter. which is why i worry and fuss....

i truly wish i could live in the moment, but its dangerous, without a dose of fear.

except i let the fear control me.

how do i balance it? as it is i'm 100% one or the other. how do i even out and live in now while i prepare for the future?

Shitty day

So it seems like nothing is going right today.

- I slept past my alarm.

- Got stuck behind slow people in traffic. 

-Missed my first class.

-Found out that my 40 Dollar ticket to bush gardens is all but useless because the day we were all going to go... IT ISNT OPEN. I already took that day off from work... It's too late to take the new day off. 

-The ticket is NON-REFUNDABLE.

So I will be taking some weekend off this month and going by myself, otherwise I wasted 40 bucks.

-My shift got cut today. I got shit hours last week, now I'll be getting shit hours this week.

-I'm stuck in my dorky uniform all day for no reason.

- I'm fucking hungry but can't afford to by anything because I'm getting shit hours!!

Is anything going right?

-I didn't die on my way to school.

- I turned in my culture of Caribbean hw.

Gods give me patience because I feel like I'm ready to stab something.

And it's only 1.

website ources fro caribbean paper

http://www.treehugger.com/culture/mysteries-african-shamanism-what-cant-be-explained-must-be-experienced.html

http://www.shamanportal.org/shamanism_african.php

https://books.google.com/books?id=xcdrAwAAQBAJ&pg=PT5&lpg=PT5&dq=What+role+did+south+african+shamanism+play+in+the+caribbean?&source=bl&ots=yYG1Sf4p5s&sig=cFTkAwa4yl2r8yB8jaxcNhLYkA8&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CDcQ6AEwBGoVChMIhbGpx8OryAIVgxk-Ch2N7QQx#v=onepage&q=What%20role%20did%20south%20african%20shamanism%20play%20in%20the%20caribbean%3F&f=false

grape wars (scene for possible novel?)

I looked around in envy. I was in a formal dress and even though it was lighter than silk i felt like i was suffocating. I feigned a smile and was all elegance as i was shown off to different court officials. All around me was food. The smell of meat wafting in the air made me suppress a grimace, though i was distracted when i noticed movement. While the host happily talked to some stffy official i noticed the court's Master spy watching us, his hand tossing a grape up and down. He seemed amused as my eyes followed the movement. My eyes narrowed as he wiggled the grape and then plopped it in his mouth.

His blue eyes seemed to light up at the resentment in mine. I turned my head with obvious huff and tried to focus on the many faces that were being thrown before me. I noticed that i only had a few more tables to go before i could finally EAT SOMETHING. Seriously it had been what... eight hours since i last ate? I was at a banquet for crying out loud!

"You're hieghness how are you likeing our humble abode?" asked some small man in front of me. When i opened my mouth i was suddenly struck silent. A flying object had ricocheted off of a near by wall and into my mouth.  As my mouth shut it was flooded with the sweet juice of a grape. I quickly turned to see the blue eyed elf facing the opposite direction, his shoulders moving up and down as he laughed. It made his black ponytail dance. I cracked a smile.

I finished my small talk with the man and was dragged to the next table, and then to sweet delicious dinner. Unfortunatley this last courtier was long winded. All he wanted to do was dress me in compliments and say how happy he was that i had come to this villiage, yadda yadda thank you princess yadda yadda. I blushed when my stomach finally made it's audible protest. The gentlemand and the host seemed almost shocked. what?  I'm human. I NEED FOOD.

Thankfully not long after that i was allowed to advance to the banquet table. I piled my plate, not too high lest i seem glutenous an unlady like, and quickly looked for a table to perch. I noticed one, just beyond the spy's table. Once again he was tossing a grape while he chatted with an associate. I smiled, and walked over. Surprisingly he didn't seem to notice and with a satisfying snap of my jaw, i ae the grape out of the air. It was sweet, almost as sweet as seeing the look of surprise on his beautiful face. I nearly giggled.

Not long after i sat, my ladies in waiting came to me and we conversed happily.But this time of pleasantries weren't to last. Then long winded man from before i stood up and made a toast. Drawing everyon'e attention he went on and on about how it was so good to have a time or merriment while the country was at war. It preserved a sence of peace withing. Yadda yadda yadda.  I stole a glance at the spys and saw they master spy, who's name i still couldn't remember, had his head in his hands, an expression of utter digust and boredom reflected from his wine glass.

Ever so sneakily i snuck a grape into my hand and when i thought no one was paying any attention i threw it at him. I was never one to boast about good aim, but even as the fruit sailed over his head his hand flew up and caught it. His eyes narrowed at me, asking me what the hel i was doing. In return i stuck my tongue out at him. He looked at me as if i was crazy but i could see a smile creeping at the corner of his mouth.

I fanned myself and feigned falling alseep, then cast an evil look at the courtier who was STILL talking. He nodded and then faced away from me. I couldn't help but pout a bit, i was hoping he would play with me. I sighed and nudged my closest friend, and started whispering about the courtier's obvious wig. When he finally finished and we all took a sip of our drinks, the music began again and all continued as before.

After a while i grew bored again, my ladies had dispersed and were talking with the locals. I didn't know anyone and was now isolated. I watched the people around the room, the laughs and the ones falling asleep. As my gaze driffted from one side to another i allowed it to drift to the table near mine with the darkly clad men who wore the allied kingdom's spy insignia. I was not at all prepared for what i saw.

The three men had all turned to face me. Each of their faces frozen in the most bizarre and silly ways. I quickly covered my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Without a moment's hesitation i turned away and stuffed as many grapes into my mouth as i could possibly fit and turned to smile at them. The poor man sitting next to his leader was suddenly covered in a spray of wine as his friend friend gave a surprised laugh. Which caused me to laugh and nearly choke.

I was struck by his easy smile. He was rather handsome, his jaw had strong lines, high cheekbones, deep blue eyes framed with ebony black hair. He was definitely nice to look at. A man approached him and whispered in his ear. The leader quickly excused himself and left the room. With that the dinner quickly fell into it boring rhythm.

Later while in my room, i was talking with my dearest lady in waiting, Clara, about the spy's and the master spy. She laughed and said that it wasn't that surprising. As serious as his job was Shade, that was he was called apparently, was a jester in personality.

"Although he generally only shows that side of himself to friends. He usually doesn't like new comers." She seemed thoughtful but then shrugged."he is handosme though...." she nudged my arm and i just rolled my eyes. "Although, its actually a disguise. Only his closest friends know what he really looked like. Being part faebeing er... elf? as you would call him? he has the ability to change his appearance."  I nodded. Glamour... fascinating.

When she left to draw my bath i sighed, wondering how i was going to get along with the people here. I was so unused to being treated as royalty. Two weeks ago i was sleeping on a hard floor and now, i looked at my big bed and shook my head. Fate was a weird thing.

When it was ready i walked to the bath and dismissed Clara and sank into the steaming water. I loved how they could turn it colors here, mine tonight was a deep purple, though it never stained the skin.

"Don't fall alseep there princess"came a deep voice. It was a pleasant one, it hinted at laughter. My eyes opened though i didn't rise from the water. Sitting across the room was a beautiful creature. Stunning. There was something familiar about him but i didn't immediately recognize him. He had golden blonde hair, a narrow and angled face and his eyes. They were emerald green but there was a familiar glint to them.

He cast me a playful grin and walked over to me. I froze. Even among "allies" there are still threats. THAT lesson was ingrained in me long before i was given a  throne. He helped up his hands in a gesture of peace, but till continued to come to me.

"Be at ease princess. I mean no harm. I'v heard a lot about you... from pauper to princess all thanks to a little prophecy." He mused, kneeling down next to the tub. In a lightning fast motion he had my hair wash in his hands and was motioning for me to sit up. Hesitantly i did and he began to massage floral smelling suds into my hair.

"I think you will do well. This country is in a time of great transition. You are kinda. Smart." He paused and seemed to chuckle to himself. "Spunky. It will do everyone a world of good." He brought up a cup and begant o pour warm purple water over my head to rinse out the soap. His touch was very gentle, and i found myself completely relaxed.

"However, you are vulnerable here. You don't know your way around court. You're too honest; you'll make enemies. We may not be from the same kingdoms... but i'll keep an eye out for you." In a swift motion he pressed a kiss to my forehead and turned way. Once at the door, he threw something at me, and landed in the water. He cast me a devastating smile and was gone.  I stared at the grape floating in the water for a good ten minutes after that.