Nudes

nudes.

When in a relationship it is not uncommon for nudes to be sent and saved. It’s a matter of tryst.

It is absolutely disgusting to keep nudes after a break up. It’s disrespectful. It’s creepy. It’s a breach of trust and it’s EVEN WORSE when they are sent to other people without the persons consent.

You shouldn’t keep an ex’s nude much less send them to other people.

It’s fucking disgusting.

And there is no reason for it. Not a single valid reason.

They were sent during a time when it was okay to view that persons body. That is revoked after a break up.

Delete the fucking pictures.

Using it to jack off?

EVEN FUCKING WORSE. Use your memory or even better just use fucking porn.

There is literally not a single goddamn reason to keep an ex’s nude photos.

And it pisses me the fuck off.

Irritated

I went o bed irritated.
I woke up irritated.

It’s not even 10am and I am done with the day.


First off WHO THE FUCK BUILDS FURNUTURE AT 8 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING WHEN YOU LIVE IN AN APARTMENT COMPLEX ?

Assholes.
 So I’m up at 8am. I’m irritated because I went to bed at 3 and it’s been an exhausting week.
And my brain returns to the reason why I was irritated when I went to sleep. (Next blog post will be my rant on that.)

I toss and turn and eventually drift... right as I’m about on the cusp of sleep... Langley calls Jimmie and wakes me the fuck up.

Now I’m very irritated. and I can’t go back to sleep for anything. I am so fucking tired.


The only good thing is I’m getting Smokey cuddles

23+1

so the day after my birthday we started over with a clean slate and pretended it was my birthday.

Much better day.

On worse news; my babies have tape worms :(

23

I turned 23 today.

Today completely sucked.

But at least my make up was pretty.

Textbooks Spring 2019

5 textbooks - all through ValoreBooks.com


Aging and Life - rented must be returned by 5/31
Medical Sociology - rented must be returned by 5/31

Americanah
Between the world and Me
Folded Earth: aNovel

all bought.

It cost 61$ shipping included.

would have been double that from amazon.

and tripple that if i had done it through the student store.
fuck yeah


I also need to now get:

The art and science of social research - rented valorebooks for 24$
So all in all:

85$.

what a day

it has been quite a day.

dropped my car off to be looked at and fixed at 10:30.  +  low level of anxiety.

piddled around target.

came back to the apartment only to find black mold and moisture around our bedroom windows. Time to call the handy man. + enter frustration

so now we have to move the furniture so he can get to the windows. Jimmie starts arguing with me about how i organize my clothes??? + Pissy mod.

 The handy man manages to come very quickly. Dries up the mold, does something to help prevent some of the moisture.  yay.

but i'm still in a frustrated/pissy mood when ... jimmie's ex shows up to visit. (Not unexpectedly; she is in th Navy and is on leave - shes friends/knows everyone in the apartment except me)

I meet her and fully intent to like her.... within 30 seconds i know that i don't. Something about her just rubbed me the wrong way.  Over the time spent with her i pretty much just hear how things were "when I was on the island" and her remembering parties with everyone. (So far the only common ground i have found with her is that she likes harry potter.)

She hasn't brought food with her like i was told she would which mean we were probably going to eat out. +mild annoyance at change of plans without warning.

I wander off to my room for a bit while everyone catches up feeling slightly uneasy but pretty much shaking it off. wait until 3:45 and call about my car.

easy and cheap fix = $45. This means - anxiety + relief
it also means i can afford to take everyone out to go see a movie, something i thought everyone would enjoy. +excitement

Only Diana wants to go. - excitement +disappointed/feeling rejected.

Jimmie asks if i'm okay with his ex being there and i say yes. I'm not bothered by her just being there - i become uncomfortable when i have to interact with her... besides it should only be for a few hours right?

I get my car and pick up gumbo from my mom for dinner tomorrow.

We go out to eat. i find out about her like of harry potter. Try to make conversation with her but it just flops. I feel uncertain about how everything is being paid for so i ask jimmie if i'm paying for myself and he responds with "I guess so". He seemed off in his tone with me during the dinner, bouncing between concerned and annoyed. Again conversation wasn't any topic i could contribute to. + uncertainty

So we come home. I suggest playing a game to pass the time until Diana and I go see our movie. Apparently no on hears, but everyone is for it when Jimmie and Diana suggest it. +annoyance

We end up playing my board game Quelf. Its super fun ad super silly. I actually think it can help break the ice and make me like her more... + Hope

its the exact type of game she hates and she pretty much didn't play.  +frustration

Diana and I go to the movie. I miss jimmie but the movie is pretty good. +disappointment +mild amusement

We come back and see everyone has clearly been drinking. Wine. Sake. and idk what else. And I see her in different/more comfy clothes that to me look like something she could sleep in.... which leads me to believe she is going to be staying the night. +agitation -any good mood left  +more unease.



Jimmie keeps coming back to check on me since i'm alone in the room and on my computer away from everyone. By his body language, tone, and what he says I think that he is under the impression that i feel threatened by his ex? which is not the case. She poses no threat to me or my relationship.

I just don't like her.


And I feel like ive barley actually gotten to spen d actual time with Jimmie. +disapintment

it hasn't been a horrible day. It has't been a enjoyable day.
its been like a bowl of luke warm flavorless cream of wheat.

gross.

And little aggutations just keep popping up and piling on.

OSDD-1....or as i formally called it... Mild DID

So i don't have DID.

Yes i have an alter.

I actually have 2 but the other is NEVER allowed out. ever. The few times its slipped out my friends thought i was slightly possessed.  i don't ever talk about it because its not relevant and talking about it only gives it power.

But OSDD is basically any dissassociative disorder that doesn't quite fit perfectly into one of the others.

OSDD -1 is DID.... 1a is only having 1 alter. 1b is not having amnesia between alters.


I could arguable have 1a but i most definitly have 1b.

 Brooks was ultimately right when i first tried to tell him about Fae and he dismissed it. Its not DID.
its the milder form of it: OSDD-1.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I made a post online that said:

So…. I like to think that i have mild DID. only have 1.5 alters (i say .5 because one is permanently kept in a cage by my protective alter and is NEVER allowed to come out) and i don’t black out. My memory can become very fuzzy when my alter takes over, but i almost never lose time. I describe it like percentages…. i’m a certain percentage of her and a certain percentage of me. the higher her percentage the more “bleed through” i have… certain traits of hers begin to manifest in me.  There are periods where she seems to be at 0% and they can last for a little while.

When that happens i say that she is “napping” or sleeping” in the back seat. Because another way i explain my situation to people is like my body is a car… and there are 3 spots: driver, passenger, and back seat. Whoever is driving is in the most control and thats who “I am”. The passenger seat there is some control, mostly through communication “Do this” “Say this”  “Don’t do this” and so forth. The back seat is when a percentage is REALLY high in someone’s favor.  so like i would be in the back seat if she was at 90%. Usually she is in the back, only popping up with a funny/mean comment and giving her opinions on things. Shes a lot more active when shes in passenger and thats when she tends to bleed through.

We have a system of operations…. she knows when she’s allowed to take over (i’m feeling threatened or someone i care about is threatened - disrespect if a big one for her…. someone disrespects me she definitely gets active - unless shes asleep.) But throughout all of it… i’m aware of whats happening. When someone else tells me about things that happen or were said while shes been driving, its a very fuzzy memory and she usually fills in the fine details - but i’m always conscious.

I don’t have a formal diagnosis because every time i have tried she does NOT like the therapist. They usually give us a rendition of all of the online surveys which totally ignore co-conscious systems. That and she doesn’t feel we need the validation (i would like the validation.)

Does anyone else experience their alters without blacking out?


to which someone responded saying that DID without amnesia is OSDD-1b... which prompted me to do some digging.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most important difference between individuals with DID and OSDD-1 is the way in which they experience their alters. Even individuals with OSDD-1b might experience their alters more as different versions of themselves, though they're more likely to experience a noticeable change in skills, memory, temperament, or overall personality. It is important to note that even the least differentiated OSDD-1b parts are still more differentiated, separate, and autonomous than the most developed parts that can be present in borderline personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, or complex posttraumatic stress disorder, none of which involve dissociated parts that have a unique sense of self or self history.

They may or may not have dissociative amnesia for aspects of their trauma history, but information flow between alters in an OSDD-1b system is much more consistent. While someone with DID might not realize that or when they lose time, someone with OSDD-1b is usually fully aware of their alters' activities and is very unlikely to find any evidence of unremembered activities. If they ever were to have a dissociative trance or fugue episode, it would be unassociated with their alters. They tend to struggle less with their memory on a day to day basis.

Because alters for individuals with DID are more dissociated from each other, individuals with DID are able to have fewer alters co-conscious at once. While someone with OSDD-1b might be able to have all of their parts present and aware of each other and the outside world at once, someone with DID might be able to reach only a fraction of their system at any given moment and may be unaware of or unable to communicate with a large number of their alters.

Arc

So I found out the reason I have been finding it harder and harder to feel and work with the fae is that I have closed off my heart; I am not open to giving new love or receiving it, and I certainly don’t trust very much anymore.

The way to solve this is forgiveness.

I even wrote a full on ritual spell to do it.
Unlike what I was hoping this won’t be a one and done spell. This is going to be a redemption arc.

Except it has been brought to my attention by the fae, Victoria, Di, and now Michael that I have my forgiveness line up wrong. I wanted to start with the bigger hurts and then move to lesser hurts.

I need to start with forgiveness of self.
Then forgiveness of others.

Meaning this will be at LEAST a two month process.

So I will have to do the ritual at least twice: once with a list of  grievances I have done against myself that I need to forgive, the other a list from others I need to forgive. And then the month following the ritual I take steps to correct the things I need to forgive.

The full moon is Thursday. Since I’m doing this one for my own actions, and it would be a continual thing; I need to do it on Thursday. I will most likely hold the ritual in the bathroom and take a cleansing bath to wash it all off of me. So I need to write a second ritual.

Then the ritual involving others will be the next month’s waning creasant, calling for the end of those feelings.

Two months.
Each day I’m going to try to do a card reading of some sort.


I need to sources more shinies as offerings.

And tonight work should be slow and I’ll start on my new list.

Let’s hope this works.

****esit: the full moon is Friday so I have another full day to prepare.

Switched

Inbetween waling up in a great mood and getting ready to run errands I had a switch.

Last night Fae just... slipped out and neither of us knew why. It just happened.
Then this morning I woke up from pleasant dreams, got actual cuddles from Smokey, enjoyed a nice hot shower. Feeling great I began to put make up on and when I decided to put purple eyeshadow on with the gold... we just switched.  Since then it’s been a  ricochet of back and forth and my was hurts.


She isn’t vying to be out. I’m not going through anything upsetting. But the percentages in my brain are going crazy. It’s concerning her enough to where she thinks we might need therapy... simply because we don’t really have anyone to talk to about this stuff.

Done with this week

I am so done with this week.
I can’t even get up today. I kicked the cats out of the room because they wouldn’t stop meowing.

I’ve had anxiety attacks two nights in a row at work.
We are going to be so busy at work tonight and we only have two servers.

I am mentally exhausted and my body is just there.

Now I have to get up early tomorrow and play host. After getting my ass kicked tonight. And it also means no building up mentally for tomorrow’s shift because I’m going to be entertaining all morning.  On little sleep.

Go to bed at 1 (possibly.) fall asleep by 2. Get up at 9. Make pancakes. Put on a movie or play a board game. Kick them out about 1:30, so I can relax a bit before I go see Jimmie.
Come home. Get ready for work. Go to work. Hopefully it will be an easy night (we have a 10 top rep, so not likely if it follows the pattern of the past 3).  Come home. Die.

That is my plan for tomorrow.

My plan for today is lie in bed until 1:45, then go see Jimmie. Come home. Get ready for work. Go to work. Get my ass kicked.  Come home. Maybe eat. Go to bed. And do the above.

There is zero chance of me going home on Friday.
The objy good thing coming is I get paid on Thursday, and get to spend all of Saturday with Jimmie to celebrate our anniversary.

I am already so fucking done with this week and it’s only half way through Wednesday.

I want it to be Saturday so I can finally have a good ducking day. And then Sunday so I can have literally no obligations to do.

Also; Mrs heathers Xmas gift is missing. It never was sent back to France. It hasn’t been delivered here. Meaning it might be in the mailbox of the old apartment which I have no way of getting into.

Xmas budgeting

Mom - I was going to get her clothes minutes and the present I already bought, but it looks like it will have to only be minutes and the thing I already have.
Cara - I might only be able to afford the ulta gift card, no dress or jewelry
Jimmie might only be able to get one gift instead of two. 😞

I might have to rethink what I’m getting Lexi completely.
I have to put what I was getting savanah on hold and just get her the small thing.

I have to rethink what I’m getting Diana, Cory, Aaron, Amy, and Dakota.

Upswing

So life seems to be taking an upswing. Jimmie and I are doing well, things at home seem to be going smoothly, and ...


I am officially going to grad school.
I got my acceptance letter and I’m going to start in January.


I don’t have to worry about my student loans... they are going into deferment for November and December, and then will of coarse be on the back burner while I’m in school again.

Aside from physically feeling terrible, life is good.

Surprise party for Maggie

So I sang kareoke tonight. By myself. Twice.
Huge step for me considering I haven’t been able to do that since I was a child and booed off.


I had fun.
I think Jimmie has fun for the first half... and then he was ready to go but everyone was waiting for their second song.

But good. It was a good night.

Decided

So my situation withvjimmie has been needing a decision. I’ve been at an emphasis... I’ve had a lot of thoughts I haven’t shared with him because I hate bringing up problems with no solution.

Notes I took the other day because if I don’t write them down I never remember them clear enough to talk about...

• I’m happy being with you but I’m not happy in the relationship 
• I know I’m not happy with how things are but I don’t know what exactly needs to change. 
• It’s not just the amount of time we spend together… it’s the lack of social setting. You won’t come to any parties that my friends host because you don’t like them. I spend most of my time when I go out missing you. But I want to go out so I do. I can’t go out with you and I hate it. 
• I feel like when you say “I love you” you mean it… but other times you say it out of habit. Or you say it because you think I want to hear it. 
• I feel like we ignore our problems by distracting ourselves with sex… at least I do. 
• I love you. And I belive if we can make it past whatever this is we will be okay… I just don’t know how to get past it. And if we can make it that long. 
• I’m not miserable but I’m discontented. I don’t know what can be done to change that; that’s just how I feel any time I’m not with you and I think about our relationship. If people ask how we are doing I don’t know what to say.  We aren’t good. We aren’t fighting but we aren’t in a good place. 
• But then when I’m with you and it’s just the two of us spending time together I don’t feel the above statements. I don’t bring any of it up when I’m with you because I’m happy when I’m with you. And when I do have this stuff on my mind I don’t know how to bring it up or say any of this because I hate presenting problems when I can’t offer a solution. 
• I don’t want to break up. I want to work to make things better. Reclaim our spark…. I just don’t know how. 

And I thought he was oblivious.

He isn’t. He mentioned it today, that he knows I’m discontented. (His word. I swear he’s a mind reader. Fucking empath.)

We talked. And I’ve come to my decision.

I’m going to actively try to make it work. And he is too.

He’s willing to go to Savannah’s Halloween party with me; and trust me that’s a big deal.

And I honestly think when people see how happy we are together... how good we actually are when we can be with each other, their disapproval will lessen.

So he’s agreed to be more social. Especially because that’s one of my biggest concerns.  This means  More group dates. Game nights. Getting out there.

I was reminded today how much I love him.
I’m not going to give up.

We may be in a rough patch; quite a long one... but I do have hope that we will get through it.

I’ve decided.
This is me taking action.

Manic

So I went manic last night.
It was one of those flash episodes that only lasts a few hours but are so fucking intense.


Thank the gods Jimmie has enough patience to put up with me.

I still have that sense of craving but it’s at a like... 20% and was at like 80% last night.

So now I’m mildly manic. I want to go go go go go go go buy have no energy to do do do do do dodo.
Last night I could have run a marathon and stayed up past 6am.
Last night I could have done a lot of things. None of them good.

But now I lay in bed feeling like I got hit by a train and kicking myself for not taking my thyroid medicine.

I still want something to happen. A spiritual catalyst.
I’ve been stagnant in my spirituality for too long.

Craving

i have this craving.

I need something. A catalyst. Something to jump start me.

I tried adrenaline. We ended up going to the fair instead of roller coasters so it didn’t work out.

Idk what to try next.

It’s why I’ve been wanting mushrooms again.
I want to do something powerfully witchy.

Whether it’s a natural, chemical, or spiritual high..

I need something.

I feel stagnant.

Sex isn’t filling this need.

I just.. I’m craving something.

Why bother?

why do I bother planning anything?

I plan parties? No one comes.


make a full weekend worth of plans... none of it happens.
None of it.

Why do I even bother?


I’ve got nothing to do today. I’ve been looking forward to fishing and bowling all week... when the fishing couldn’t happen I at least had the bowling.

Now there’s no bowling. No free lunch. No fun.

I’m excited to see Jimmie but he’s going to be too tired from larping that he’s just going to want to sleep.


So I now get to just play on my phone and try to find something worth watching on tv.


Or go to my moms place and do the same.

Why bother doing anything.

I don’t even have the motivation to get out of bed.

Make over

I’m keeping my current hair style. I’m going to get the part fixed and the side/back trimmed but not shaved.


Then I’m going to dye the short hair burgundy and give myself some burgundy highlights.


I’m going to need
- burgundy hair dye
- volume 30 developer??
- bleach powder
- gloves

I’m. Or bleaching till blonde, I’m bleaching till it’s light brown/red undertones. So that the color will stick better.

I think I’m also going to invest in getting some false lashes and glue.

I want to be prettier. I’m already improving my make up style... time to work on my head in general.

It’s fall. It’s my favorite fashion season... I want to own it.

I could use the self esteem.

Nothing

What happened with Jimmie is nothing...and I mean nothing... compared to actual assault.

A coworker was assaulted by an ex.. he forces his way into her house, shoved her will all his might into the bedroom, through her on the bed, repeatedly threatened to beat her face in, through her dressers around the room, stole her phone and slashed her tires.


Jimmie shoved me once. There was no threats. I wasn’t scared he would come after me. I was more angry/shocked than scared after it happened.

I wasn’t lock-myself-in-a-closet-with-a-shotgun level scared.

That is real.

What Jimmie did was nothing in comparison.

I really over reacted.

xmas planning

• Amy - i'm torn between 2...
• Aaron
• Dakota

• Diana
• Cory
• Maggie

• Jimmie - one on amazon....torn between the 2 on etsy.....
• Lexxie
• Savannah - i'm torn between 3 possible gifts...
• Mom - take her to that one place.... + books
• Cara  - amazon + ugc

Off my chest

Now that those are off my chest... maybe I can sleep.

I want to be clear. Despite how I’m feeling... I have no intention to give up on my relationship. I love him. I’m a firm beliver it’s going to take time but we will be okay.


I am not looking forward to the blood work part of the physical...

And this fucking head cold.  Ugh. Can’t breathe.

Plllleeeeease let me sleep now.

Not over it

I have forgiven Jimmie about what happened. But I can’t seem to get over it.
I have a residual hurt, one that was manifesting as actual chest pain - after praying to Aine it went away. But then when I try to go to sleep at night... this happens.

I’m still so confused as to why it happened. Why did he caress my leg? To make me relax before he practically threw me away from him? I still don’t know how I didn’t hit that side table corner. I honestly think someone (SG, one of my fair friends, one of my gods... SOMEONE) pulled me just enough so that I missed it. I owe them a thank you.

And then there was what he said.

I know. I know. He was drunk.

 But I honestly think that some of the things we say when we are drunk and critically looking at our own situation and the situation of others... we become brutally honest. And he said he didn’t love me.

He says he does. D swears that people say things they don’t mean when drunk. But he didn’t say it to me... he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He was making a sad observation. And when I closed my eyes to sleep tonight I can see him.

Siting there in the living room. Looking distantly over the board of catan. Sad. And I can hear him say those words. “I don’t love her... I don’t love my girlfriend.”

The image is so clear in my brain.

I honestly think that’s the part I can’t get over. When I’m with him and he says he loves me, I feel happy... but I don’t trust it. I think that he THINKS he loves me. And he does. But I don’t think he is in love with me anymore. I almost wonder if he ever was. I know that like me, he hates to be left alone. But that’s no reason to date someone.

And he has a habit of just telling people what they want to hear. The afternoon after the incident he told me that he wouldn’t drink anymore (I didn’t make him say that... he volunteered it himself) and it honestly made me feel proud of him and a bit safer, like he really cared to prevent even the slightest possibility of it happening again.

He had a glass of wine after a bad day at work the other night. Granted it was one glass and he was by no means drunk. But he still told me he wouldn’t drink at all until he got help.

He is full of the best intentions but it seems it’s just pretty words to smooth over any discomfort... I want to believe him when he says he loves me.  A part of me does believe it.

A part of me doesn’t.

Thought purge

So I have too many thoughts going in circles around my brain for me to go to sleep. It’s a few minutes from 2am and I have to get up at 7:45 to go to a doctors appointment.

I need to get to sleep.

So please excuse the next few posts... I need to purge these thoughts so I can try to sleep.

But I’m also hella tired and may have to edit them later.

2 years

It’s been two years since Carson died. I realized this at 10:30 pm. I almost missed it.

I still have regrets.

I hadn’t talked to him in months.

But I thought about him.

What if I had reached out to him?

Would that have stopped him?

I thought about him recently. But didn’t realize it was coming up.

I almost missed it.

I hope his soul is doing well, wherever it is.

There. Made it all the way through this without crying.


I miss him.

You never really realize how much you miss someone, until they are gone.  Even friends you almost never talk to.  You know they are out there.

Until they aren’t.

Tell those friends how you feel.

Reach out when they cross your mind.

Don’t miss your chance.. because you never know when the chance won’t come again.

I miss him.


Shit.

Not going to cry.

Aine

• https://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends/aine-radiant-celtic-goddess-love-summer-and-sovereignty-007097
• https://feminismandreligion.com/2013/07/31/aine-summer-goddess-of-love-light-and-fertility-by-judith-shaw/
• http://goddessschool.com/projects/AvalonRaine/FPL2Aine.html

she was also the first leanan sidhe 

https://solostinlife.wordpress.com/what-is-a-lianhan-sidhe/

http://www.angelfire.com/journal/ofapoet/aine.html

https://thecelticjourney.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/aine/

like legit.... 

She is everything i would think a faerie goddess would be. She makes me think of home... I really think connecting with her will really help me. emotionally. physically. spiritually. 

She... i really want to be with her. 

grad school

i'm excited.

i'm meeting with the graduate director thursday.

I don't have to take the GRE or MAT.

my GPA was high enough to where i qualify to waive out of it.

Classes to take:


I REQUIRED:

• Modern Sociological Theory
• Research Methods and Design
• Statistics
• Multivariate Techniques and Analysis

II ELECTIVE OPTIONS

*pick 4

• Environment and Society, 
• Social Movements, 
• Immigration, 
• Aging and Health, 
• Gender Roles, 
• Social Inequality and Diversity, 
• Family, 
• Population, 
• Social Issues in Regional Development, 
• Qualitative Methods, 
• Society and Coastal Policy

III THESIS, PRACTICUM, 4 ADDITIONAL CLASSES

• Thesis... something to do with sexuality, possibly asexuality. 
• practicum... kind of like an internship... or TEACHING?
• additional classes: capstone and 3 electives 5000+

and they practically have it planed for you

http://www.ecu.edu/cs-cas/soci/degree-programs.cfm


COST
http://www.ecu.edu/cs-acad/financial/ECU-Estimated-Cost-of-Attendance.cfm

HOLD THE PHONE

HOLD THE PHONE EVERYBODY I JUST GOT A TEXT THAT COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING



I don't need to take the GRE to get an MA in Sociology..... and Dr. Knox would most definitely take me as a graduate assistant......


this sounds fantastic.

and i'll just look up what courses i need to gt a certificate or two in accounting and use up all of my electives in accounting.


Guys. I might be going to grad school.

Pitt or ECU

So I’ve been trying to get things in order to go back to school... pitt for accounting.

Pitt is cheaper and it would probably only take me a year of schooling to get an associates in accounting.

But...

I could probably get more funding to go to ECU.... just the owl grant would go to Pitt...  it ECU has the owl grant, the ECU grabt, and the UNC grant...


So I’m going to apply to both.
See which one will provide the most financial refund, and go from there.

If I go back to ECU I might even double major (since I don’t have to take those pesky basic classes) in accounting and sociology (since I took most of my electives in sociology anyway).

Granted part of this comes from my desire to stay with what is familiar to me. I love ECU. I know ECU.

And part of me would love to say “yeah my twin graduated from West Point.... and I have 3 degrees.”

Maybe then people will actually be proud of me.

Conclusion

Everything is okay.
Everything has been worked through and, at least I believe,  we are all on the same page.

I think everything is fine.

On to the next thing that comes I guess?

Update

I snuck back in and slept under the bed. I got some Smokey cuddles and woke up ready to talk to Jimmie about what happened.

Only I woke up to Diana and Cory seriously shit talking me.
Naturally my body did what it always does when it feels attacked: fight or flight.
I knew I was headed for an anxiety attack so I had to get away from everyone because there is a chance I could respond aggressively before the total lapse of emotional control.

I tried to get out as fast as I could.... but of coarse Cory - who apparently had plenty of shit to talk - made a comment about me running away again.

I informed him I was leaving so that I didn’t attack anybody.

It wasn’t a threat it was a statement of why I was leaving the place.  It was an aggressive response because of my anxiety attack.  Especially at him. He was practically telling Jimmie to break up with me.

So I leave, have my panic attack, come back and talk to Jimmie like I had intended to.
He and I are fine.

I am livid with Diana and Cory. The intensity they were shut talking was stunning. They apparently have these grievances with me and don’t bring them up to me.... instead theyvtrash talk. And yet I’m the one who can’t communicate?

Also apparently I’m weird in that all attacks, verbal and non verbal alike, trigger a physical fight or flight teflex. Jimmie says that’s not normal?
And I’m also weird in that I don’t shit talk the way they do? Like most of what they were saying would be shut I would have said to them in a simple conversation.

They also thought that I went to brooks and Amy to talk shit about Jimmie last night. I didn’t. I explained why I was distraught and simply lates down the whole time. Then I went home.

So now I have to talk to them. I didn’t have issues with them before but I sure as hell do now.


I’ve already talked to Jimmie about what I feel the best coarse of action is. He disagrees. Depending on how these next few conversations go will depend on how this situation will end.

Maybe I’ll go back.

I want to wait it out and not go home until he contacts me but I need sleep. And I want my babies. And I’m hungry.


Besides, I really shouldn’t have gone to Amy with this. It’s not her problem and she shouldn’t have to hear about it or anything of the sort. It was really nice of her and brooks to let me stay though.


So.. I go home and sleep on the couch.

What then?

Passing the time

I don’t know what I doing.
I can’t belive I actually left the apartment. Packed a bag, and walked about.
And he’s most likely not even going to remember anything that fucking happened.

He hurt me. Emotionally and physically. I might need to find my wrist brace.

I feel betrayed. I felt fear... now I mostly feel rage.

He didn’t hit me. But he shoved me hard enough where if my head had made contact with that side table, I would have been seriously hurt. Thankfully I missed it. Barely.

And it was so sudden... one second he’s leaning his head to mine, the next I’m airborne.

So now I’m at Amy’s. Trying to sleep in the nest I made in her closet.
It’s the same thing from last night... I can’t sleep without him.

So it looks like I’m going to pull an all nighter.

I’ve got at least 8 hours to kill before he wakes up.
Probably even longer before he contacts me. And I refuse to go home before he contacts me.

Fae wanted to hurt him. Still does. He is now a possible threat in her eyes.
I just want to cry. I want to be held and made to feel safe... but I don’t want him to touch me.

He could have seriously hurt me. As in, a trip to the hospital kind of hurt. And he didn’t even realize he did it? How can I trust someone like that?

I’m not leaving him as long as he agrees to the two previously stated conditions. But I also feel so lost right now. I was so scared. I honestly thought as I fell that I would 100% hit the corner with my head.

I wish I was home with my cats. Then I might be more likely to get some sleep.
But I left and couldn’t bring them.
I want to go home, but have to wait.

Maybe I’ll sleep in my car.




And I’m starving. The only thing I ate was the crackers-cheese-salami snacks we had earlier.
And the day before that all I had was... 5 breadsticks, 2 pieces of pizza, and some ice cream.

Fuck I need to eat.
And I bet that chicken is still on the counter at home.

Conditions

• You will NEVER lay your hands on me in an aggressive manner with the intent to harm. Ever. Again.
• If for any reason anyone says you need to slow down your drinking or need to stop - you will listen. You will stop.

Being drunk is not an excuse.

I will not tolerate being treated that way. 

If there is ever a next time, it will be the last time. 

nightmare interpretation

SO..... important key players:


Best Friend - To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge; to dream about your best friend means that you need to foster or acknowledge some special quality that your best friend has. Ask yourself what makes your best friend your best friend and how you need to work on these attributes within yourself.
******All the people that this best friend incorporated were people that i felt helped me through something difficult at one point in my life. they all have aspects that i admire and hope to have myself.

• Victoria - such strong intuition and spiritual ability
• Savannah - confidence and strength of self 
• Lexxi - generosity towards others
• Racheal - warrior energy, fearlessness

South America - To dream about South America suggests that you are trying to resolve some conflict or conquer the obstacles in your life. Alternatively, the dream also refers to spontaneity


Hurricane - that is outside influences. we are about to be hit by a hurricane.

Confrontation - To dream of a confrontation represents a conflict or a fear that you are facing in your waking life. To dream that you are arguing suggests that you are trying to resolve some internal conflict or some unsettled issue in your waking life
 - “You can’t force others to do your mission. what YOU set out to do, what YOU volunteered to do, is for you to do alone. You can’t throw it onto others.”

attempted murder/Betrayal (by friends) -

• To dream that you have been betrayed represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation.  This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time. To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge
• To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. 

***** Makes sense. I am afraid of forming friendships with the witchy group again. but it could also mean that i am afraid that reincorperating some part(s) of myself (???) could backfire and end up hurting me. And it pays homage to whatever change is supposedly coming my way.

Car with no keys -

• car - ready to take off in life, move forward and be in control of life. 
• No car keys -  means that you feel like you have suddenly been taken off your path in life. Perhaps you have been striving toward a certain goal all of your life and suddenly something has happened which has set you on a different track. This will challenge a lot of your expectations and beliefs. You need to make sure not to be too overwhelmed by the change in your prerogatives which is soon to come

Friend's death - To dream that your best friend is dying suggests that some aspect or quality that your best friend possess is dying within your own self.



hm. I def want to know what event/change is going to have such an impact on me.

CD for jimmie

not the order i have them but...

1. Our song 1 - If i could put time in a bottle
2. Our song 2 - Honeybee
3. When we fight  - paint it black
4. Our relationship - Why
5. Our start - accidentally in love
6. Me to him - Bird song
7.  He is....- The only exception
8. I would....- Follow you. 
9. Our start - I've got this friend
10. How i know i love him - thats where it is
11. He makes me feel..... - good enough
12. At first I was scared but - I wouldn't mind
13. You make me - smile 
14.  I honestly.... - can't help falling in love with you (21 P)
15. Self explanitory. - guillotine 
16.  You make me feel - safe and sound
17. H handles them so well - My demons
18. I know i'm difficult but - tangled up in me 
19. Our relationship - at the beginning 
20. Well.... - Because the night (cascada)
21. From the get go... - you had me at hello

track list for savannah

so savannah listens to CDs in her car since it doesn't have an aux cord, kind of like me in mt honda.... and she says she loves  mix tapes. so i'm going to make her one.

•  Bury the bones but leave the souls alone 
• the one that got away 
• youre not alone of mice and men 
• bird song through juniper vale
• have faith in me
• Good to be alive
•  hey brother
• guillotine 
• stomach tied in knots 
• Rib cage 
• feral hearts 
• youre not alone, you are loved 
• coconut dracula
• breathe today 
• Froot
•  happy song
• heart to heart
• Invincible
• hold back the river
• life cycles
• radioactive 
• milk and cookies

Dream turned nightmare

I woke up crying this morning.


In the dream I was hanging out with this girl, over a long period of time. I got the feeling that she was my girlfriend or my best friend.... she seemed to be Savannah and Victoria mixed together, so I’m leaning best friend. In this dream we were grocery shopping, talking about a trip down to Mexico to an old temple that the witchy group wanted me to go on with them.

Then a hurricane hits.

We leave and take refuge at the closest home of someone I knew; Riley. Except Riley was living with a southern Baptist who was, in my opinion, abusive. Trying to force Riley to do mission work.
I ended up going off on this woman saying

“You can’t force others to do your mission. what YOU set out to do, what YOU volunteered to do, is for you to do alone. You can’t throw it onto others.”

I go into the next room and talk to my friend who is mentioning that they are going to go on the trip. I explain that I feel hesitant about the whole thing, that something doesn’t feel right.
 The next thing I knew Amy, Aaron, Brooks and Dakota show up in the living room of what now is my moms place. (The setting changed)

Amy tries to convince me to come with them to Mexico to see this amazing spell they are going to do. (I forget what the purpose of it was) and again I say something feels off about it. She gives a deep sigh and agrees, that my intuition was not wrong.

“It calls for a human sacrifice. We are all going to go and just negotiate when we get there.”

She says this but I suddenly know that they have come here to either force me to come or to kill me now. So I run to my room in the back and lock the door.

Amy and Aaron burst through the door, Aaron holding me down and Amy grabbing my Mother Earth sword miniature. As she goes to stab me, my friend from before hops on top of her and I grab the sword.  My friend is now a mixture of Savannah, Victoria, and  Racheal.

She pulls me out from under them and brooks breaks in from my window trying to trap us. My friend grabs my hand and we take off running, we make it to the car but my keys are inside.

She runs back before I can say anything. I lock the doors and wait for her to come back but it’s Amy who calmly walks to my door. She opens the door as if it wasn’t locked, and squats down so she is eye level with me. She does a sort of sad half smile and puts a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“You’re safe.” And then she looks behind my car as a group of cops show up, my mom int he front running to me, “you’re people are here.”

Then she vanished.

And I knew:

they killed my friend. I could see her in a pool of blood lying in my kitchen where they had trapped her.

I collapsed in grief into my moms arms, screaming out and sobbing in both relief that it was over and I was safe but also immense sorrow at the loss of my friend who I loved so much.

I woke up and continued crying.

I’ll do a dream interpretation later.

Guilt trip

Cory said he would take Diana to work at 5am.

Backed out again.

So of coarse it falls on me again.

Well I am obviously not happy, so he proceeds to try and guilt trip me!!!

“She’s not some bum,no good person....”

Never said she was.

“This is the most stable living environment she’s had in a while”

I know.

“She’s trying to get back on her feet. She’s doing really well and just needs some support, we should do what we can because she deserves the help. Like Jimmie says, she’s just doing her best.”

Yeah. I know. I talk about how proud I am of her.

And if that’s how you feel, THEN YOU CAN WAKE UP AT 4:30 AND TAKE HEE RO WORK LIKE YOI SAID YOU WOULD THE LAST TWO TIMES.

I said I would take her.
I never said I would be happy about it.

And how dare he try to guilt trip me.

“You’ll get repayment.... karma and monitary”

I said I would do it. It’s not out of the goodness of my heart it’s because I don’t want Jimmie to have to deal with it before work. So no. I won’t be getting good karma.

But since I didn’t bother to hide my anger to at the situation or at Cory, Jimmie volunteers to take her.

Now I feel guilty as hell that he has to get up hours before work and take her.

And I look like a in compassionate bitch.


But I didn’t sign up to be a fucking taxi.
I don’t mind giving a ride or two after 11 if I don’t have plans. But to begin with she was suppose to work right down the street. Which is why she moved in so fucking early.


I get it. None of this is her fault.
She is struggling and doing the best that she can.

I know. I sympathize.

Doesn’t make me any less irritated.

Soon.

Soon.

Just heard our first light bill. Now I’m stressing about money.

Well apparently there is some from the previous apartment, (so I don’t know how much my share will be this month) - but this apartment is about 135 in utilities.

A full month could be about 180.
Rent is 685.
Internet is 85.

That’s 950.

3 people paying.  316.67 each.

When Diana pays off her lawyer and starts paying her share of bills

4 people paying: 237.50 each.

79. 17 difference per person.


Plus groceries.

I’m working 4 days a week now, not 5 or 6.
My paychecks are close to 100$ lower now.

It really can’t come soon enough.


Rent, utilities, internet: 317
Phone: 45
Car insurance 160
Health insurance 25
Credit card: 75
Gas 60
Cats 40
Groceries 100
Student loans: 25


847$

So a minimum of 850$ in monthly expenses.

Sigils and seals

So I need to make some sigils and seals.

I figure the best way for me to stop feeling so bad and upset is simply for me to stop caring.

So let’s seal up those pesky emotions.

Seal loneliness
Seal hurt
Seal ____ (I need a word for craving someone’s company)
Seal jealousy (no it’s not romantic jealousy, so my former seal won’t work) or,
Seal resentment
Seal regret



Sigils for:
Independence
Nonchalant (would do apathy but that might influence more than my relationship... better do it on a pink candle.)
Solitary
Indifferent
Confidence
Self efficient



Some I’ll do on candles, some I’ll do on skin, some I might burn on paper.

But hey, now I have some spells to do.

I can’t affect his behavior, but I can mine.

Maybe I’ll make myself a witch bag.
I’ll put in some of the sigils, sealed in charged wax (or moon water).
I’ll get some stones and herbs.
——keep under pillow——-

- bay leaf
-calendula/marigolds
-marjoram
-sage

Back and forth

Yesterday I get to spend time with him and it was great. It was wonderful. I had him all to myself. I felt loved, I felt happy. we spent quality time together, not just on our phones next to each other barely touching.

I come home from a long day at work, looking forward to spending the next two hours with him; Mr. Caird gave me a bottle of wine and I was planing on putting on a movie or show and relaxing with him. It was one of the things that got me through my shift tonight... which was very long and chaotic. 

Instead I’m greeted with a kiss hello, a quick hug, and he returns to playing video games. 

With Diana. 

I get they both enjoy video games and it’s a hobby for them. 

She had work earlier, probably worked 8 hours and wanted to destress.  That’s what.. her being home at 7. Give an hour to eat and change and what not...so 8; I got home at 11. 3 hours of playing? 

He had an appointment at 3. Wasn’t home until after I got left for work. So let’s say 7 again.  So they’ve both had like 3 hours of playing. 

Not as long as their usual perhaps. But she’s gotten to see him for those 3 hours. I wanted my turn. 

I know the cards said I need to get red of this victim perspective but godsdammit. 

I was looking forward to being with him. 

But whatever. I’ll watch a movie in the room. Drink my wine and spend time with my cat. 

Maybe I’ll get a good night kiss before bed, although doubtful since I don’t think I’m going to make it through the movie. I’ll probably pour my wine back in the bottle too. I really only like to drink if I’m in a good mood. 

And I am far from my former good mood. 

Maybe Darcy and Eliza will lighten my mood so I can at least not have bad dreams.

Kind of want to text Savannah but don’t want to annoy her. 

Huh.

Huh.

The universe apparently is making a mockery of me because after that blog post I got to spend quality time with Jimmie... and for the first time ... I’m going to have the apartment to myself.

Cory has class at 3.
Jimmie has a dr appointment at 3.
And Diana is at work.

Huh.

Finally

Tonight’s after his class, Jimmie spent some quality time with me. As in, closed the door, put a movie on in the room, and cuddled. 

Played music and just held me. 

I could cry I’m so happy. 

I’ve missed this

Alone

the downside to living with three other people... aside from not having any place to escape to when everyone is home... is it’s almost impossible to be home alone.

There is always someone here.

Cory gets out of class before I even wake up.
Idk what’s going on with Diana’s job, but she’s always home.

I don’t want to interact with them but I don’t want to just stayed cooped up in my room.

There is only so much I can do outside the apartment without spending money.

It’s impossible to have the apartment to myself. Or to just have it be Jimmie and I for more than 10 minutes.

Let’s be real. That’s the real issue.
It seems impossible to get time alone with him. I get home from work and he’s playing video games or watching a movie with Diana. I get that they are best friends. but sometimes it feels like I’m third wheeling in my own relationship. the only real alone time I get with him is when we are going to bed.

Granted, he’s trying. I see that. But frankly I don’t think that one day a week of us spending some time together is enough to fix what’s going on. unfortunately it seems we might have to just ride it out and hope for the best. Because I don’t know what else to do.

It was hard before but now school is added on top of that, he now has homework to do when he’s home. Which don’t get me started on - because apparently he can watch alto with the other 2 but gets to homework as soon as I come home. It seems the only day we would be able to spend the most time together is going to go back to being homework day.

I miss how it was. I miss seeing him all the time. I miss going on errands together. I miss our late night trips to Walmart or Taco Bell. I miss being on the same schedule as him.

I don’t miss having to leave by babies to see him  or leaving him to see my babies... but I miss having my place. I miss having a place I could go with him to get away from everything and everyone else. I miss having a place away from everyone and everything else.


I’m just feeling so lonely and pessimistic. I wish I could go back and freeze time.

Whirlwind

my thiighhts are in a whirlwind.

What I talked to Victoria about.
Am I hearing things? And if so, what did Aaron actually say and why did I misheard him?
What does “be still” mean? Time will just work everything out? I know he’s making an effort, so why do I still feel this way? How will being still fix it?

And why is my brain bringing up pointless issues and negative feelings when I’m trying to go to sleep?

Ugh!

How do?

how does one make friends?

I’m not in school anymore which was the best chance of making friends I had. 

Maggie I feel like has moved on. 

Victoria is moving away.

As is, I run the risk of suffocating Savannah with my friendship. I don’t want to become a nuescence.  

So how does one make friends as an adult-ish person?

Because I am so very lonely. 

NOT giving up on Grad School

Cornell University (Ithica, NY)
University of Michigan, Ann Arbor (Ann Arbor, MI)
University of Notre Dame (Notre Dame, IN)
University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop (Iowa City, IO)
Miami University, Ohio


Cameron and i chatted....

West Virginia University.

fully funded. teaching stipend of 15,650$

talking to him this sounds like an amazing school.... only take 3 fiction writers though...

I love you

You’re asleep.
I’ve dozed back and forth for the last two or three hours.

Please don’t leave me.
We are in a rough transitional period.
Please don’t give up on me.

I love you.

I’m going for a fucking drive. I don’t know where I’m sleeping tonight.

Fuck it

So I’m the bad guy because once again I’m in a bad mood. Why?

Because inconsiderate behavior irritates the hell out of me. And I’ve had a headache for the past 3 hours.

For the THIRD time Jimmie has unplugged something of mine that was charging to make room for him to use. After I just said something to him about it.

And on top of that they (mostly Racheal) are being really loud. AT THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING. And the response I got every time I bring up the fact that people are sleeping? Both of them said “fuck ‘em”.

Blatant inconsideration.

It pisses me off.

But I’m the bad guy and Jimmie is mad because I’m in a bad mood.

Just fuck it.

Maybe I’ll go sleep at moms tonight.

**update: Diana points out the time and they fucking quiet down. What the fuck. I’m so fucking done.

Rant

this is a rant. I have people coming over soon and I need to make myself cheery - which means I need to get this off my chest so I can play host.

i have finished all my food prep for the party. jimmie and i get back from the store and diana is playing video games, jimmie makes a comment indicating he is about to play with her, so i play on my phone. as he is making hs lunch he tells me he has next saturday off.

i say "cool".

 he adds that he has monday and tuesday as half days - again i say "cool".  I don't know what he was expecting. cool, get to see you for a few hours before i go to work. its not like we can really do anything sine we only have from 12 until 4.

then he mutters "i'm sorry i can't make this relationship work." to me, this seems like a dramatic statement so i ask him where it came from. he tells me that for the past month ive been nothing but negative, that all i do is stay on my phone, i'm never excited, and that i might as well be a teenager.

2 weeks out of that month ive been depressed. as for everything else? what tee fuck am i suppose to do? i can be on my phone or i can do the same exact thing on my laptop. Diana is pretty much on the tv all the time and when he is home they pretty much just play video games. what am i suppose to do other than be on my phone? there is nothing to do!

i'm bored and i'm unhappy.

when he has time off all it means is that i actually get to wake up next to him. Maybe watch an episode or two of our show if i'm lucky. Most of the time He just plays on his phone and watches boring youtube videos - so i likewise am on my phone.

and what is there to get excited over? A fucking computer that wasn't fucking there? Oh yay, i get to lay in bed on my pone next to you while you watch educational youtube videos - or worse fucking family guy clips.

what is there to be excited about? What is there for me to do other than be on my phone?
like i dont know what the fuck he expects from me?

And I am not about to have a fucking fight with him in front of Diana.

To do today

• Love my cat shower 
•  face mask 
•  go buy liquor for party 
• 151, coconut rum
• go buy snacks for party
• tooth picks
• bbq sauce
• meatballs
• veggies
• chips 
• dip
• soda
• juice
• juice for liquor
•  go buy chicken and cauliflower for dinner
• marinate chicken
• go get hair and makeup at savannah's
• Change into dress

Prank

so there is 2 main  reasons that you prank someone; The first being to make someone laugh and the second one to hurt someone’s feelings.

 An example of the first: I was planing on pranking Jimmie by wearing something sexy and getting him to follow me to the bedroom...  only for him to discover me wearing a super funny cartoon head.

 Well Jimmie  decided to play a prank. Yesterday he told me that he had a surprise waiting for me from his work. He told Savannah what it was but not me. I went out after work, so when I came home he was asleep. But I saw an iMac computer box in the living room...  according to Savannah he  had told her that if a customer leaves a product at his store for more than 90 days then an employee can take it home.

Sounded too good to be true... but I had a friggin iMac in front of me...

So I got excited.

I want a desktop to do my writing on. He knows this, And the computer was big enough to keep in the room kind of like a tv - something that I think would help me to have more alone time with him. Which would also mean I wouldn’t have to buy a tv.

So I got hella excited.

Only to discover today that the box was empty. He said something about wanting to trick Cory, he even put weights in the box. Only Cory didn’t get tricked - I did.

I don’t get it. I don’t see how this prank would make someone laugh... if he pranked Cory, it wouldn’t have been funny. As it stands I got pranked and I don’t find it very funny.

In fact I’m disappointed.

And if the prank wasn’t done to make someone laugh... then what? I don’t think he was setting out to hurt anyone... but I don’t see the point if the prank.

Maybe it’s because he and I aren’t on the same page anymore. But I don’t get it and it intact only made me feel worse about how things are going.

car insurance

• geico quote 
• 145 monthly
•  call back 8/29
• Statefarm
• ____ monthly
• USAA
• _____ monthly

for full coverage... go with whats cheaper

vacation ideas

3 day trip to Atlantis resort = way to fucking expensive. like 3 times as much as a 5 day cruise.

cruise....... = jimmie says no.

like. what is there to do?

Hypothetical 3 day vacation June1-3

- Disney World....

3 day tickets to all 4 parks and a water park or other fun activity.
$850 after tax. (not including food or hotel. )
+ 100$ of food each day.
+100
+100
+100$for hotel (2 nights)
+100$ for hotel
-----------------------
1,350$

jesus.


- Universal? .... looks promising. must look closer to date though...

Bush Gardens is a day trip :/

- Greece?

• flight + hotel for 2: 
• archeological tour of akrotiri with wine tasting and black sand beaches - 50$ per person
• Sanatori sunset cruise with dinner (visit volcanoe, diving/swimming in hot springs, buffet dinner) - 86 per person
• Morning Boat Tour (see volcano, then hotsprings)
• Private Wine Tour 115$

- Washington, DC

more ideas and updates to come

I thought wrong.

i thought today would be better.

It started out better.

I had begrudging plans to try to talk about how I’m feeling.

I was looking forward to that  guaranteed time with him.

But no.

Now I’m back at square fucking one.

This must be how the cats felt.... no wonder they pissed on my bed all the time.

Late night thoughts part 2.

so I’m in a not pleasant bipolar episode that has been going on since Monday.

And it all really boils down to missing my boyfriend.

I just posted a blog post that explains how I’m feeling and why, explains my behaviors, and the thoughts that spring forward from all of this. Hence the part 2 title.

Except I took it down.

Words are so much easier to do when written. I will always be able to write my feelings better than speaking them. But the truth that came out in those words can be hurtful. I can’t say them and I honestly don’t know if I can share them even written.

I feel once they are out I will regret them, even if true. Especially if this passes.

I hate censoring. I’ve always said that I wouldn’t censor my blog - my safe place to voice my thoughts and read them back to myself (probably my healthiest coping mechanism). But I do. Often.

I will end this post with the same words however:

Gods above let this get better.
Because this hurts. And it’s making me a bitch.

Good one

You know you’ve found a good one when he’s compassionate enough to stop and save a baby deer.

I’m missing everything.

Two hours a day hurts more than if I just didn’t see him at all.

It feels exactly like I thought it would.


Now I’m sitting alone in my car, have been for the past hour, trying to force myself to eat something and go back. I have to help unpack.

I’m so hungry but the thought of eating makes me sick.

What the fuck am I doing?

cursed?

My brain keeps going back to a recent convo i had with maggie. She had been mad at me (i had suspected but wasn't sure) but she wasn't mad anymore - the main reason being that she had confided in me and  i had confided the information in defense of another person. Drama ensued and she got dragged into it.

so, rightfully so, she was mad at me. But she pulled me outside one night to tell me about it (i had no idea any of it had happened) and explained to me that she wasn't mad at me anymore. It mostly boiled down to the fact that she knew my heart was in a good place, that i had meant no harm, and that i was just simply naive.

But one thing that came out of the conversation is that she worries that because of my naivete, I would constantly be hurt - that i love and trust other more than they ever would me. When i told her that i always knew that i love others more than they would ever love me she looked sincerely upset and said "thats sad".

its the truth though.
I've always said it.

I can never fully believe that others love me the way that i love them. Because most of the time? they don't.

Everyone leaves eventually. I can't think of one close friend, or best friend for that matter, that i have been able to hold onto for more than 5 years. (aside from jake. that lasted 7 years... but now we are 100% strangers so....)

the maximum average is 3 years. People will stay in my life for maybe 3 years before they're gone.

I use to say that the good times with others was worth the pain that came when they left my life. I fully believed that. It made me feel better about being naive and allowing myself to love completely.

but then at times like this all the pain resurfaces all at once.


When i say that i love someone and they say it back I pretend to believe them - even though i know they don't mean it.

Then they leave.
People swear that they won't leave.
Everyone leaves.

as maggie put it, i am so naive i open myself up to pain because i love everyone more than they love me, but I can't turn it off without ceasing to be myself.

why is it that no one can love me? honestly really love me.
unconditionally the way that i love them?
Why do i let myself delude myself into believing people when they say they love me?
I think "maybe this time is different." but its not. it never is.

I miss all of them. I still have a few people. But I'd give it maybe another year or so before they go too.

why can't i actually be loved?
Why do i love them so much that i cant let them go? I wish i could.

why do i let hope make me pretend not to notice how hollow the words "i love you" are?
 Why does it feel like i'm cursed?

bland

life feels.... kind of bland.

Since i no longer have a day job, i stay up super late and sleep all day. get up, eat, get about an hour, maybe 2, of house work (packing and cleaning for the move) and go to work. Work till 11, come home and spend an hour or two with jimmie before he has to go to bd.... either stay up and watch netflix with diana or go home...

repeat.

I'm glad jimmie is happy with his new job. I am. It is so easy to see how much happier he is.

but i miss him. and if this is just a taste of how its going to be? it sucks. cuddles on the couch for an hour or two. then bed.  If im lucky, i get to see him on his lunch break.

Maybe i;m just emotional since im going to start my cycle soon. but it makes me sad. I already miss spending the day with him; running errands, watching shows, just... being with him. And yes, eventually that will fade and i will get use to just seeing him for a few hours a day. I just got spoiled i guess.

but i know myself. it mans that  i am going to start isolating myself so that i stop missing him. It also means bottling up anything going wrong because i don't want to ruin the time that i do get to spend with him.

bury things and isolation.

maybe im just being pessimistic.
i don't know.


I do know that everything is fading to a dull grey. I'm losing motivation to do anything. im bored, i miss my boyfriend, and life seems bland.

Movin up

So I live out of my apartment in 8 days.

Move into my new one in 11.

Also I got made bartender at the restaurant; and I finally quit Foodlion.


Movin up in the world.

Cook out

We had the work cook out today.

Me, Jimmie, Amy, brooks, mike and Alex all in one place... everyone being civil - and dare I say friendly?

It made me really nostalgic. Reminded me just how much I miss them all. My heart was pretty much in my stomach the entire night.

I wish we lived in an ideal world. I miss my former friends.
I miss them all.

New beginnings and fights

I don’t have anyone to talk to so once again I’m using this blog as a one sided conversation/rant.

So it’s official. We signed the lease Monday.
I’m feeling relaxed, I don’t have to stress about finding a place. I’m not stressed about money because I have my share of everything.

Or so I thought.


I haven’t seen Jimmie very much because he’s been busy with studying for certification tests. So I ask him to come over and cuddle. We get talking and he tells me that I’m paying my pet deposit completely.

Now normally this wouldn’t upset me except that he assured me that I wouldn’t when we first talked about getting a place together.  He said that he and Cory didn’t see it as a “we each pay our respective parts” (me with the whole pet fee, him having all of his 495$ deposit transfer) but rather just the whole sum and divided by 3.

Now he’s gone back on that. He and Cory don’t feel Comfortable paying the pet deposit. And then he argues that in a way he has because of his deposit transferring. Whole sum divided by 3 my ass.

I’m not mad about the money although it would have been a hell of a lot nicer to know as soon as things had changed so I could change my spending habits accordingly. It’s not the money. I’ve done the math. I should be good even with the increase.

No I’m mad that he lied about how things would get split. Granted we did have to pay less of a deposit because of his transferring. But we already planned for that. Or rather I was going to pay mine and his share if it didn’t transfer and he was going to pay my first months rent. Either way the deposit was going to get covered and used in all of our favor.

So we’re done arguing. I’m facing the wall he’s on his phone beside me on the bed. I’m still mad but I still miss him and want cuddles. I tell him so. He actually turns me down. “How about pets?” And then pets my head in what feels like  condescension. When I shrug his hand off we just stay in silence for what feels like forever.

I’m waiting for him to just fucking leave because I asked him over for cuddles. He refused. No need for him  to be there if all he was going to do was keep me up and play on his phone - I can’t go to sleep until he leaves because I have to lock the door behind him. He can play on his phone to who knows when at home. Im waiting, I can’t bring myself to actually tell him to go because I fucking miss him. I’m now counting down how much sleep I can possibly get, sit up to set an alarm, and Smokey jumps off of him. This spurs him to leave and  I try to go to bed. Angry thoughts circling in my brain and no one to talk through them with. So I’m blogging.

Maybe now I can get some fucking sleep.

Not likely.

pantheon

So i feel like my pantheon is starting to work itself out.

Some people like to follow the archetypes.... some examples:

Goddess Of Springtime/Harvest
God Of The Sea
Grain God/dess
God Of War or Battle
God/dess Of Love
Dark Goddess
God/dess Of The Hunt
God Of The Underworld
Father God
King Of The Gods
Solar Deities
Crone Goddess
Earth Mother
Mother Goddess
Lunar Deities


Others go by elements

Earth
Air
Fire
Water
Light/sun
Darkness/moon
Magic/Spirit/Soul

My pantheon:

Gia/Mother Earth: Mother Goddess
Cernunnos/Horned God: father God, God of the Hunt, god of death/comforter of death
Bast: Protection, Solar, Fire, Warrior **Patron Goddess**
Demeter: mother goddess goddess of harvest and abundance, earth
Thoth: God of writing, education, creative energy, air
Queen Mab/Maeve: Faerie Queen goddess, magic, dark goddess, earth,
Venus/Aphrodite ( dependong on what i need help with): love, self esteem, relationships, water
Psyche: goddess of the soul



Gods i'm looking to research and possibly add:
Epona: Goddess of Horses, Travelers & Dreams, bringer of dreams and nighhtmares
Anubis
Hel: goddess of one of norse's many underworlds, those sent to her are the ones who die from sickness or old age to live in comfort - supposedly if i were to die because of my bipolar, it is with her that i would spend my R&R time.

official!

i will officially be getting a 3 bedroom with jimmie and cory.


top available right now:

1. Wyndham
1. http://www.pinnaclepropertymanagement.com/listing.php?id=72#!prettyPhoto
2. when available? how much is pet fee?
2. Tilley - 1205 Forbes st - 750 and ceiling fans
3. Tilley - 115 A-B Stancil - 825 and hardwood floors
4. Mead st - 700 in rent and hardwood floors
1. call: (252) 814-8326
2. https://www.trulia.com/p/nc/greenville/address-not-disclosed-greenville-nc-27858--2172334755
5. Shereton Villiage - Russel
1. 700$
2. by the big walmart

THIS EXCLUDES ALL WAINWRIGHT because they aren't guaranteed to be available

options... pt2 or 3?

okay so...

options; should cory be okay with it: I go sardine it up with jimmie and cory. I put half my stuff in storage, jimmie puts some stuff in storage, and we go halfies.  we all split rent and utilities 3 ways until....

either cory leaves (and i maybe talk jimmie into getting a new place) or...

we all 3 get a place together.

which i'm cool with.

it took me 2.5 hours but i made a new spread sheet and color coded it. I feel like i should be frothing at the mouth.

i need sleep.

I have work in 5 hours.

Bad day

Today started out rough... and got worse. It turned into a really bad bipolar day. 

I almost quit my job. Twice. (Foodlion)

I almost attacked a girl for just doing her job. 

I had to give my lorazepam to Jimmie so that I would stop being tempted... I don’t know if I would have taken all 20mg... but I probably would have taken 2mg of it and had a minor overdose like last time. Anything to make my brain stop. 

But I didn’t. I gave them to him so that I couldn’t. I still kind of want to. 

And that kids is called an unhealthy coping mechanism and is how addictions start. 

I made a rune for stability and drew it on my arm. Kinda helped.

I just feel physically/mentally/and emotionally exhausted.

Whenever people asked what was wrong I would just say I was t feeling well. Which isn’t a lie. I was /am having a flare up from my chronic illness. Fiona stayed dormant so I was left to handle and fight it all on my own.

Today was a bad day.

I want to feel better.

Where I’m at

im at this weird point in my bipolar where I’m not going to take the entirety of my bottle of lorazepam (although the idea is hella appealing and my brain has been repeating the idea for the past 3 days) but I also wouldn’t move if I was about to get hit by a car.

I’m on day 3 of this. I tried to cheer myself up last night by having a spontaneous date night, but that backfired. I thought I had today off from Foodlion, but I didn’t. So here I am at work with no fucks to give and already tired of people asking if I’m okay. No, I’m not. Stop asking. I know you care - that does t make me feel better.

Instead I just tell people I don’t feel well. Which is true - my chronic illness is flaring up.

I want to go back to sleep so I don’t have to deal with anything.

I Won’t actively try to kill my self but I also wouldn’t do anything to prevent it either.
Kinda hope I get hit by a car in the parking lot.
That’s where I’m at.

Can’t stay

Well I can’t stay where I’m at. Hallie wants to live in her own - when u mentioned that I might not be moving out she said “okay I’ll start looking for other places” and there is no way I ca afford this place on my own.

Looks like I’m moving my stuff back to my Mom’s. Whether I go with it or not has yet to be decided

thinking things out.

just putting some thoughts down

i could easily stay here. Either on the lease..... or just secretly pay hallie rent until Cory moves out.
so thats 2 options.

Theres the two options involving my mom - move in with her or just keep my stuff there and live with jimmie and cory.

I have another month to figure it out...kinda. because if im not staying here now.... We kinda need to let Overton know.
either way:
ultimatly move in with jimmie.

only thing is... the utilities and rent would go up for me. Rent with Jimmie would be 275, and because of the gas heating the utilities are a lot higher. :/


i might be better off just staying here

got back to me

Morgan and cole got back to me, they are deciding to try for a one bedroom. They're going for it and i wish them all the best.

so that means that i need to figure out what i'm going to do.


stay here or move?

options

So i waited until today to send  a message about this new place to morgan and cole, to give them more time to settle down after their flight back.

6/4/18

first attempt.

I will try to reach back out in another 2/3 days.

but i know for a fact both of them have been online, and neither of them have opened my messages.
i'm sorry, am i the only one taking this seriously?

if we lose this place we will pretty much be shit out of luck.



and heres the thing: even though i am the one putting in all of the work, given an almost impossible budget to work with, and trying to cater to two other people while still making sure the move is worth the money spent on my end - i am going to be seen as the bad guy if this falls through. nevermind that i have tried to reach out. and will continue to.

and that sardine can of a place morgan wanted to apply for as our new option? the one i absolutley hated? its not even vailable anymore.

so really this is our only option.

heres the thing: they don't have very many options. On their budget there is no way they can afford a one bedroom. They are either going to have to wake up and work with me or they will have to stay in student living and hope that they don't reported for having two people in a bedroom.

I have several options.
for one - i could just stay where i am at. Its affordable. Its close to everything. the bedroom isn't as big as i would like but it works.
two - i could move back in with my mom for a few months until cory leaves, then move in with Jimmie.
three - move all my stuff to my moms and move my cats to jimmie's place. I would just have to go to my moms to get changes of clothes and stuff. So i could live with jimmie and cory, until cory leaves and i would move all my stuff in.

I have options.
I am going to be okay regardless of what happens.

but it kills me that if things don't work out with morgan and cole i'm going to get blamed and labeled the bad guy.

Obligation

I am a slave to obligations. They rule my life. I cannot break them... why? I don’t know. Maybe because I’m use to people I depend on have disappointed me enough that I can’t stand the thought of disappointing others.

I feel obligated to move in with Morgan and Cole. Why do I feel obligated? Because I agreed to. Do I want to, honestly? No. I would much rather live by myself, but I can’t afford it.

So get a better job.

Well there is really only one option and it’s not even a 100%  guarantee; a bank teller at BB&T.

Why not go for it?

I feel obligated to the Bistro. Why do I feel obligated? Because I said that I planned on staying for at least a year when Mrs heather asked me about it.

I can’t break obligations. I am ruled by them.

Why didn’t I leave the witchy group after it grew toxic because I was dating Jimmie? Obligation. For one, I cared about them. But mainly because I felt obligated to stay. Why? Because I said I’d never walk away - I promised not to abandon them. They walked away from me, thus freeing me of said obligation.

But I’m not free of my current obligations. I’m moving in with Morgan and Cole - if we can move our asses andget this place.

I’d feel a guilt at leaving bistro  so intense that it makes me debate wether swallowing a handful of lorazepam would be better than disappointing Mrs Heather.

And honestly I just want to check out instead.

Didn’t plan on making it this far to begin with.

I wasn’t suppose to graduate college. I wasn’t suppose to have to deal with all this.

I was suppose to be dead by now.

And honestly wish I could be at times.

But you know why I’m not?

I feel fucking obligated to live.

I promised Dr. Knox and Dr. Bunger that as long as I knew them I wouldn’t try to kill myself.

I fucking feel obligated to live because I don’t think my mom would be able to handle me leaving. It’s one of the fucking reasons I didn’t go to Georgia for school. It’s one of the reasons I can’t kill myself.

I feel obligated to live because I love Jimmie and don’t want to cause him pain.

But mostly I’m obligated to live because of my cats. I am obligated to take care of them because unlike any other reason on this list they depend on me for survival.


So yeah. My life is run by fucking obligations.

Compromise

i have decided to compromise on space when it comes to finding a apartment...

If Morgan is willing to compromise on storage.

We looked at the gables west before but ruled it out because it’s less than 800sq ft.

But again. Compromise.

Late July move in. They might have to crash on my couch and put their stuff in storage for a week or two if it’s after the 17th, but *shrug*

Rent would be 599$ plus internet and utilities...

Or

750$ for all inclusive. But I’ve heard we would need to get our own internet because theirs sucks. (Plus has a 150$ cap) so 795$

All inclusive would probably be cheaper as long as we didn’t go over the 150$ cap.

But it has washer and dryer included.

If we don’t mention Cole then I would be willing to pay Morgan’s application fee.
I know they don’t come and inspect very often, so we wouldn’t have to mention the cats.

Deposit is full rent or 1/2 rent depending on credit.


But they are at a funeral and won’t be back until Sunday.

But then I will present this place (again, because we looked at it before) to Morgan.

Reflect

So I have been in a car for 10+ hours and have had plenty of time to reflect.

I’m 100% okay with how things have turned out.

The cards and bones predicted a fight and hurt feelings.
Check.

They predicted I would lose friends (probably from college)
Check.

This was suppose to happen.
I’m okay with it.

Because I haven’t felt like I belonged in the group for a very long time.  I’ve felt like I’m was just a floater. And apparently I was.

I don’t blame Amy for not wanting to be. Friends with me.

I just want everyone to be happy.

Maggie and our are happy.
Jimmie and I are happy.
I would hope Any and Brooks are happy.
B and Aaron? Well there happiness may still be a work in progress but I wish them well.

And if the groups happiness is improved by my absence then good.

But this is needed.

I’ve been seeing moths and grasshoppers everywhere.
Meaning a time of change is needed to increase my life’s joy. And that I will be taking uncanny leaps forward in life.

Some friends are meant to stay with me, others are not.
I’ve just come to accept it.

I learned a lot from the group, new styles of doing divination (I need to get me a Russian tarot deck) and while I hope they stay safe in their practices, I’m almost a bit...  relieved. I no longer feel that I have to constantly prove myself or feel that I am not trusted and unwelcome. I  never really felt like my magic or energy mixed well with theirs. I have learned what it feels like to channel a goddess and while it is exhilarating, I don’t foresee the need nor do I have the desire to do it. I would be more interested in manifesting my own goddess energy again.

I’m looking forward to growing spiritually, and it seems that I’ve always done that best with more light energy. I’m not scared of the dark by any means but I look forward to seeing where my growth lies now.

I feel lighter.

I go forward with no negative emotions and honestly with them the best.

I’m just curious as to what life will bring me next.

Positive change

Change hurts.

But change is necessary.

Losing the witchy group hurts, but maybe it’s for the best. The more I think on it, my situation with them hasn’t been the most positive one for a long while, pretty much since I started dating Jimmie.

I do have friends that are more positive influence, now I’ll just have more time to see them.  Focus on positive energy and keep moving forward.

Reconnect with Chandler and possibly Ashley, see My other friends  more, and finally get to hang out with Lexi and Jacob outside of work.

Look forward, think positive. Shedding a new skin and continuing on the path.

Back in time

I feel like I’ve jumped back in time to a month or two ago when I was isolated from most of my friends and I was looking for a place to live for me Morgan and Cole.

So I ought end up living with them anyway, if we can find a place in budget with a decent size room. Because with theee of us living there I feel like if I’m home I’m going to be in my room.

But yeah. Don’t know where I’m going to live.
Don’t have very many friends again, and they few I do have I won’t be able to see very often.

I wish this tightness in my chest would ease.

Shit.

Shit. Was it Aaron I was talking to, or was it tanner. It was someone in the witchy group that I felt I could actually talk to.

It might have been tanner.

My heart hurts

So this weekend has sucked.


I came to the realization that the duplex that me Morgan and Cole wasn’t actually within budget because Cole has a lizard and it would jack the utilities up at least 60-75$.

And I honestly don’t know if he would be able to pay the 2/3s when that is added with water, sewage, trash pick up, internet, groceries, and any other expenses they might have.

So he suggested we go somewhere smaller and cheaper. But space is important to me. ESPECIALLY because there will be three of us and I know I’m going to go crazy without a space to myself. And if I  am spending a lot of time in my bedroom then I don’t want it to be cramped and small.

2 reasons for wanting to move out of where I am:
- bigger bedroom: I want another dresser and a desk and maybe a bigger bed. And shelves.
- more interaction for my cats

There isn’t enough reason for me to move.

Then on top of that I have just lost most of my friends. Possibly lost Morgan and Cole for not being able to live with them.

I lost my witchy friends because instead of fighting Maggie and Jimmie whenever they shut talked about brooks and Amy, I nodded along because there was no point in fighting with them.

All the things I just agreed with to allow them to vent got back to Amy.

We fought. I thought we were okay.

Then the rest of the friend group left me because Amy found out that I thought brooks would pressure her into sex. And I do. He did it to Maggie all the time and I don’t see why he wouldn’t do it to any.
But this comment came about when Amy told me something about Jimmie and I went to Maggie for advice because it didn’t change my views on him, and I didn’t know if it made me a bad person.

Well that got back to her too.

I don’t know who told her all of this; but the first was done to ease the bitterness of people in pain.
The second was said in confidence. I did say it to Maggie and I did say it to Aaron, but Aaron was also aware of what Amy had said and so it wasn’t a breech of confidentiality.

But whatever. They say they are done with me.
Fine.

Top 5 Grad Schools

so.... 4 hours of research in. color coded spread sheet. some basic math. and I have my top 5 grad schools narrowed down.

1.Cornell University (Ithica, NY)
2.University of Michigan, Ann Arbor (Ann Arbor, MI)
3. University of Texas, James A. Michener Center for Writers (Austin,TX)
4.University of Notre Dame (Notre Dame, IN)
5.University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop (Iowa City, IO)
6. Miami University, Ohio

Support

So... I’ve come to realize that my circle of support is quite small as of late.

But at least I know Jimmie supports me.

He probably couldn’t care less about all the research I do in my free time; be it about apartments or random topics... or grad schools.

But he listens anyway.  He doesn’t get annoyed like he does with others (or if he does, he doesn’t show it).

I told him about how I finally finished with the database and had emailed all the possible schools...

And I just expected him to say “cool” but instead he said “good job.”

And it’s just really nice to hear that sometimes...

Even if it’s something he doesn’t care about, he knew I put in effort and he encouraged me.

Sometimes it’s not the quantity of support but the quality.