Have you ever been haunted by something? Its not always in the forefront of your mind, but when you relax and become vulnerable it slips into your thoughts and you can't get away from it? Something that never completely leaves you, even when its not in your current consciousness, but its always lurking and waiting in the back of your subconscious to rush forward at a moment's notice.
It could be a simple thought like "I'm not good enough..." or a trauma like "Remember that time in first grade when i wet myself in class....".
Something that brings you down even though, in a way, you are mostly over it. Just when you think you can say, "I've put it behind me! It won't bother me anymore", you know its not gone, just quieter. The thought is no longer yelling at you, but is a soft whisper in the back of your mind; barely audible. But its there. Its something that you can never quite shake away completely. Because although its a lowly whisper, you can still hear it. Bringing you down, tainting your happiness if you let your guard down.
For me its a memory. Not of just one thing, but of a certain time in my life. A certain someone. Both the time when that someone was in my life and when they left. No this person isn't dead; that would almost make things easier. When someone dies and is separated from you, you can mourn them but it's not something you or that person can really have any control over. When someone leaves your life willingly, well... that's different.
For me it was hard. I remember greiving, first numbness, then sorrow. Then anger. Very intense anger. Then sorrow again. Then anger. and the cycle continued. Until once again, i was numb to it. But that didn't last, because the moment i thought i had moved on, i saw that person flash through my social media news feed and it started again. It took 2 years for me to completely heal; for that memory to stop yelling at me, now it whispers.
I almost wonder if the whispering is worse.
The memories i have of that time with that person, it makes me happy and sad. Now it also makes me scared. Back then i was in a haze of happiness, even when i was stressed and anxious and the world felt like it was falling apart; as i'm sure every high school senior feels at some point. But while in love i was able to be naive and optimistic, and i felt as if i was in a war, bubble of safety. Until one day that bubble popped. All those happy memories were now hurtful, it was painful to think about how happy i was in comparison to how sad i became. All the laughter and smiles felt like slashes and daggers in my heart. The memories yelled and screamed at me.
Over time they quieted down, and soon even the aftermath became memories. They too whispered, but faded completely. The trauma itself faded. I don't fear being hurt again. No, what haunts me is how happy i was. It constantly whispers to me saying how i will never be that happy again. Unlike what most would expect, the ghosts i fear are not pain and self degrading. No, my ghosts laugh and smile and bring memories of good times with them. But good times that can never be replicated.
I will never be the girl i was before i had ever experienced true heart break. That girl is gone. She is a ghost.
I will never again see the world in the same nieve rosy colored glasses. That worldview is gone. It is a Ghost.
I will never be in a relationship that had so few social pressures. Maturity dominates, that childhood love is gone. It is a ghost.
I will never be that young and unsuspecting again, thinking that love wouldn't end. I wouldn't get hurt. That belief is gone. Reality kicked in. It is now a ghost.
All these things combined created a time of innocent happiness. That innocence is gone. it is a ghost.
All these ghosts of memories haunt me. Telling me all the things i can never have again. All these things i want, secretly. I yearn for those times again, but the past is the past. Yet i can never truly let go of them. The memory haunts me. It taunts me and taints my every thought about the future, telling me with logical whispers that i can never reclaim that happiness.
These ghosts, even as happy as they are, bring me down. They suck out my hopes, leaving me feeling heavy. I can never feel the way i did before i became haunted. These ghosts will never leave me as long as i live, making me fear that no thing yet to come will ever be able to wash them away. Its been almost three years, they are still as percistant as ever. Only now the barley audible whispers are becoming more clear in the night. Repeating in my brain, swimming freely in my thoughts. They hold off sleep. They taunt me. They haunt me.
They say you never forget your first love, I wish I could.
