Sunday, December 29, 2013

to all the wonderful trannys out there!

okay so i ended up watching some episodes of "what would you do" and idk what it is about transgender people, but my heart really goes out for them.

it really makes my blood boil when i see or hear about people giving them  crap.

if a woman is born as a man and wants to get the body she feels is truly hers, then power to HER. good for HER. she is strong.

if a man is born with a woman's body and is strong enough to be himself and change his physical form to mach his spirit, then i applaud him!

what you are born as, your sex, can be changed to fit your gender.

you can have a penis and be a woman.
you can have a vagina and be a man.

you can.

and if you don't want to undergo the surgery and choose to just dress to fit your gender, even if it defys how your sex is "supposed to look"
then know that you have a supporter right here.

i love you.

you rock!




:)

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Angel: an Original Short Story by Lisa Sawyer (Warning, contains mild sexual content)

      It had been quite a while since I saw her last. She was a regular to the club but for some reason she quite coming for about a month or so. When I saw her I almost didn't recognize her, it was her wings that told me who she was. Angel. That of coarse wasn't her name, but what I called her. She had grown out her hair over the coarse of the year, long flowing locks of natural red hair that she split over her shoulders revealing her pale back. On her back were two very intricate wings inked onto her skin. Hence the reason I call her Angel.
      The very first time I ever walked into “Doras Gealai” nightclub I saw her and have been held in silent awe of her beauty. I would laugh and dance with my friends and would long to go over and talk to her but I never got up the guts. She was a fabulous dancer, her lithe body would move to the music in a way that made me tingle just watching her. According to the bar tender and the waitresses she was kind but odd. This of coarse didn't detir me since I was a bit of an odd bird myself.
      I had gotten a job as a waitress at the club recently, giving me an excuse to come to the club and gawk at her, but was disapointed to find out she had stopped coming. That is, until tonight. I saw her walk into the club dressed in a very sexy navy blue shirt with full sleeves but almost no back, a short black leather skirt, and fishnet tights. I couldn't believe my eyes she was so stunning. In the short time I had worked at Doras Geakai I found out that some of the customers weren't your average Joes. Many had quirks and specialty orders.
      There was a young man who always ordered the sea salt siren's call drink, an original creation of the bar tender's that tasted like a sweet fruit juice yet smelt of sea air. A young lady with very blue eyes always got a cherry blosson delight; a girl with blue hair and tattoos on her face got the Valkyrie Vengeance; a young man that gave off such an attractive pheromone that even I, a lesbian, couldn't handle being in his presence for more than a minute always ordered a drink that was the color of the moon and smelt of rain. All these customers were different, had an odd air about them, but were always polite and civil to me. Plus they tipped well. I came to find out that Angel almost never ordered the same drink. I smiled, she was adventurous then.
       It was a usual night, she had been coming regularly again, and I had just brought the blue eyed girl her drink when a gentle tap on my shoulder caused me to turn. It was Angel. I started, and tried to remember how to speak. She seemed to predict my reaction and raised an eyebrow, giving me a mischievous grin.
“Can I help you?” I asked in a flustered, embarrassed voice.
“Yes actually... would you mind sending a poison apple over to the man in the corner... the one looking over here at the moment?” she said calmly. Her voice was sweet but was tigned with something that sounded almost dangerous and she had an accent that I had never heard before. I nodded and ordered the drink at the bar and brought it over to the man. You lucky bastard, I thought. I have no reason to be jealous. I don't know her. As far as I know she doesn't even like girls. But she was so beautiful...
I brought the drink to him, he grinned revealing ugly teeth and thanked me with breathe that stank of decay. I smiled with tight lips and tried not to breathe. I let out an indignant gasp when I felt his hand slap my rump while I walked away. Men, I thought with disgust. I tried to avoid his area as much as possible, but I was too protective over the other girls to let them go near him. He ordered a beer every hour or so and I served him as quickly as possible. Just the air around him made me uncomfortable. There was something off about him...something vile.
       finally my break came around and I made my way over to the dance floor. I danced to the music, which was livley and was between pop music and techno with a celtic twinge in the mix. There were some people there that wore all black and had rune like tattoos in the corners of the room, and though they made me curious I ignored them. I was dancing in a group of girls when I felt someone put their hamds on my waist and begin dancing with me. The hands were too small and light to be a guy so I wasn't alatrmed and I didn't move away. I smiled when I felt her dance closer and closer against me.
Now, it isn't very often someone takes an interest in me, so I wasn't about to ruin it and show her my plain face, so I kept dancing like we were, my back to her, her hands on my hips, on my waist, and then I winced as she took my hand and turned me to ace her. It was the blue eyed girl that I served drinks to! I smiled as she pulled me to her. We danced for a few songs and she gave me flirty eyes that made me blush. A slow song began to play and we were dancing close together, it was then I realized that she was a good three inches taller than me.
         I blushed when her fingertips slowly reached under the rim of my shirt. Where her fingers touched my skin began to tingle and heat up. I suddenly felt very warm, and the music seemed to sound more distant. All I could see was her very blue eyes getting closer and closer. When they were maybe an inch away I felt my lips part and I felt a rush of anticipation as her lips approached mine. Then she was a hair away, I could taste her breathe on my tongue, sweet from the cherryblossom drink. Her lips were warm and suddenly I was on fire; I wanted her to be closer. She giggled and drew back but I wanted her closer, tighter against me. I would do anything for another kiss, anything.
I bit my lower lip and gave her seductive eyes. She smiled and bent down to whisper in my ear, her lips brushing my cheek as she went.
       “sweet mundane girl.. I could just east you up.” se smiled, and her even teeth were suddenly very sharp and almost needle like. I knew I should be afraid but I was still tingling from her touch and wanting her to kiss me again. I prssed myself against her and she began to move our bodies in time with the music, the movement setting the flames inside me higher. I wanted her to kiss me again so badly...
        she bent toward me again, her tongue tracing the shape of my lips. I whimpered as her hand traced the rim of my skirt. She kissed me again, this time deeper, and I felt a sharp pain as her teeth cut my lips and tongue. I shivered as her tongue licked the blood and melted against her. She was beautiful and she wanted me.. I was tingling everywhere, my body alive. All it would take to make me here completely would be a few words. I knew I would do anything she wanted. She just had to touch me... She stroked my cheek with her nail, leaving a small trail of blood beading after her touch. She licked the trail and smiled.
       “mmmm....so sweet. You taste good.... what do you say.. we go. Your blood is delicious..”She whispered. I knew that this wasn't good, her voice was menacing but I couldn't fight it. It was as if she had complete control over me. I wanted her to touch me some more. I almost moaned when I felt someone's hand touch my thigh. But it wasn't blue eyes, and suddenly I felt someone at my back and blue eyes wasn't smiling anymore.
       “she's mine.” Blue Eyes hissed to whoever was behind me. A gentle hand ran up my side and rested on my waist, pulling me away from Blue Eyes. As I was pulled away the warm fog I was under faded. I blinked and saw that those blue eyes weren't so seductive... they were terrifying. I stifled a scream when I saw that her teeth had blood on them and I could only think it was mine.
        “Shh... its ok. She isn't going to eat you. Its okay, its okay, its okay.” came a sweet voice pulling me over to a cushioned love seat. I looked to the figure next to me, a hand still on my waist and the other on mu shoulder. Red hair shaded her eyes, but her pale skin and lithe body told me who she way. Angel. She saved me from... whatever Blue Eyes was. I looked over to where Blue Eyes had been, but she had moved over and was now dancing with some guy. He had a dreamlike loo on his face, and an obvious hard on. Then I looked on in horror as he willingly let Blue Eyes take a bite out of his neck. I put my hand on my neck and was surprised to feel it sticky and wet.
        “Stop.” Angel said taking my hand and putting it in my lap.She stood and drew the curtains down to separate us from the rest of the club, I gazed at her slender back, the black tattooed wings stood out and somehow gave me comfort. She was beautiful. She turned to me and I realized with surprise she had amber eyes.
         “This may be strange to you, but trust me. This will heal your wound...”she spoke as if talking to a frightened animal. I backed up against the pillows as she drew closer. What was she about to do? She put a hand on my leg, as if trying to calm me.Suddenly... I wasn't scared, instead I was once again warm and comfortable. I stared at her with wide eyes as I saw black wings appear from her back, as if her tattoos had become real. They rapped around me, her arms wrapping around me and pulling me closer. Her touch had a tingle effect on me as well, but unlike when Blue Eyes touched me it was more electricity, not fire.
       Her hand slid down my back, around my waist and then slowly up my torso to my neck. She reassured me that this was to heal me... and then she kissed my shoulder. Again I felt electricity. It traveled all the way through me, down to my toes. I felt something wet and warm travel around the bite on my neck and felt myself shiver. The electrical feeling continuing in waves. I felt her straddle me and she continued to kiss my neck around the bite. Each kiss sent more currents through me, and it felt wonderful. Like with Blue Eyes I was loosing sense of reality, but I was able to keep my wits about me. I was in control of myself...to an extent. I winced as my neck began to burn, a firey sensation mixed with the electrical current pulsing through me and I closed my eyes in the pleasure of it.
Her hands stroked my hair as if she were trying to keep me calm.
       “I've been watching you, you know.”She says gently in my ear, her breath forcing my to hold in a shiver. I make a small sound of inquiry. If I try to talk I know I may moan from the pleasure of the pulses going through me.
      “I couldn't let her have you...”She says and I open my eyes. Her Amber ones have gotten darker, deeper, and she licks her lips. Not Hungrily like Blue Eyes, but provocatively. I hold in my breath, is she... attracted to me? Angel. The girl that I could only admire from afar for months. She slides one of her hands from my hair, slowly down my torso. I breathe in sharply as it passes over my breast, sending yet another bolt of pleasurable electricity down me. I resist the urge to pull her against me. Her hand reaches the hem of my shirt, she hesitates for a moment before slipping under it.
         Her hand is warm and soft against my skin. Her nails, long but shorter than that of the other seductive creature's, trace shapes against my sensitive skin, making me want to melt. Her touch makes the pulses stronger and I again have to close my eyes to control myself. I almost loose it when I feel her lips suddenly on my throat. She kisses softly up my throat and then hungrily when her lips meet mine. I then can;t hold myself back from grabbing her and pulling her against me.
   “uhh I've wanted this,” she purrs, “but you are human, I didn't know if you would be able to handle it.” I gasp as her hand rubs my breast over my bra, and her fingertips reach down. She continues to send erotic pulses through me, making my body absolutely come alive and tingle at every touch. She kisses me again, her tongue exploring my mouth and I wonder at how she tastes. I feel her soft wings against my back and wonder if I am dreaming. I moan quietly as I take her in, her tigh against me, one hand resting against my breast, her other slowly trailing gown my body.
Angel was so soft...
         I took in a ragged breath, I was hot and the pulses created a rhythm that I felt with my hips. The music was no longer the rhythm I cared about, and she seemed to feel the same way. Her legs tightened around me and we began to rock against each other, the pulses of electricity connecting us. Her hand that had been slowly traveling down my body reached my thigh and I gasped in pleasure as she began to massage her way up my skirt. Her hand that had been on my breast now held both my hand about my head and she was kissing me again. Her kisses both passionate and demanding. I couldn't hold back my moan as she felt me. Her breathe was just as fast as mine as she tentivley stroaked me, causing me to shiver and buck beneath her.
        She gave a girlish giggle as I gasped at her touch. She was inside me and I wanted more. I tried to free one of my hands, I wanted to feel her, touch her, but she was stronger than she looked and held my hands above my head in a iron grip that couldn't be broken. I whimpered in pleasure as shse went inside me again and again and my breathe hitched and caught as I panted in pleasure. She kissed my ear and then left a trail of soft kisses down my neck and my collar bone, making her way back up to my lips. We both kissed eachother with such ferocity I wondered if we would devour eachother.
       “For a human you are remarkably-”She gasped as I had manadged to free a hand and pull her against me, I could hardly believe how wet she felt on my leg. She gasped again as my hand traveled up her leg and I felt her. Unlike me, she wasn't wearing any underwear and I could feel her without any filter. She was hot and before I could go in she shifted her weight so that I was no longer propped up by pillows but laying directly under her. She caught my hand again in both of hers.
       I smiled at how hard she was breathing and wondered if she wanted me to touvh her as much as I wanted her to touch me again. As if readin my thgouhts she kissed my neck, the bite now only a faint scratch that tingled and burned. Her kisses trailed down my torso and she pushed up my shirt revealing my bare stomach and black lacey bra. She kissed my stomach and trailed up, and uncpled my bra with her teeth. I shuddered as the cool air hit my nipples. I moaned quietly as she sucked them and arched my back when I felt her hand at my thigh again.
          I began to pant again and looked at her with begging eyes. Angel flashed me a dazzling grin and I melted when I felt her place herself directly on me, and begin to move her body against mine. Her heat mixed with mine and I began to loose myself in the feeling of us combining. She began to pant with me, our breaths matching in rhythm and I moaned. I almost screamed as the pleasure built higher and higher, this was too much..... I heard a giggle and all went dark.

      I woke up in the back of the club, where the bartender keeps a cot for customers that pass out. Was it all a dream? I stagger off the bed and walk into the restroom. My hair is a mess, and I almost seemed to be glowing, but otherwise there is no sign of what hapened. The club is obviously closed so I don't worry about anyone coming inas I seach my body for any bruises and I look in disappointment at my neck where the is no scratch or mark of anykind. I sigh, it was one hell of a dream... and then I stop dead in my tracks. On my shoulderblade.... a single black feather. I touch it and feel skin. It is inked into my skin, but I never got a tattoo.
         I smile when I realize, she claimed me. This must be her mark, so no one like Blue Eyes will try to mess with me. I have been claimed by that myserious being that I call Angel. For a moment I wonder: what is her real name? I shake my head as I leave the restroom and bump into the creepy man that I had brought the posinon apple to.
“I see she likes you.... may the lawrd have pity on you.” he shakes his head and slowly walks to the exit.
“What is her name?” I say as he reaches for the door.They have history...i can tell. the look in his eye is pity and...jealousy? Maybe an ex? i shudder at the thought.
She has many names...” He says, sounding slightly annoyed at being bothered, yet slightly surprised I asked.
“What do you call her?” I ask, uncomfortable. I can tell by the ugly grin spreading over his face...yup... and ex lover. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. It doesn't matter.... shes mine now. er... i'm hers...
“Lucy.” he says, something in his voice hinted at a joke.
“A nickname?” I guess, and he nodds. But he doesn't explain, so I prompt him.
“whats it short for?” I say with a grin, hoping to find something about my new lover that would make her more human, more relatable. but i know it won't matter. She would be Angel in my eyes. Forever my Angel.


“Lucifer.” He says matter of factly, and then is gone.

Friday, December 27, 2013

holiday blues

eh...havn't been on in a few days..

wolard hasn't come over yet :/

i'm lonley.

i have this HUGE project to do and i really don't feel like doing it.

bored out of my skull.

realy want a girlfriend to cuddle with...

damn it all. uuugh.

i got my new pentacle though, from my mom. i love it.



at least i have smokey? <3

Monday, December 23, 2013

i want..

i want a girlfriend so badly.... not just so i can sayi have one.. but because that i could have someone to hold. someone to talk to. someone to kiss. someone to make laugh and be silly with. someone to just talk about nothing woth. someone to flirt with. to joke around. to cuddle with. someone to bug when i'm bored. someone to make inapropriate jokes with. someone to annoy.... to give massages to. to give me massages. to put my feet on. to watch movies with. to go on walks with. to make out in the woods with. I want a relationship with a girl who will be my warrior princess. i want someone to spoil...someone to spoil me. i want to make her feel special... i want her to love how special i am. someone to help me grow and face life with...

will i ever have this? anytime soon?

Saturday, December 21, 2013

convo with weeks-hughes

So... Mr. Woolard is best friends with Mrs. Weeks-Hughes... so i sent her this message, and here is our convo:


me: hey mrs. weeks-hughes o need your advice, please

her:yes?

me: so i got Mr. Woolard a xmas gift and with it i wrote him a letter. In this letter i explain that i see him like a dad and that i am sad and scared now that i'm graduating and i have to say goodbye to him. I kind of throw it all into the letter and now i'm second guessing whether or not it is OK to give it to him.... but i want him to know how much he means to me....

should i give him the letter?

her:definitely

me: thank youhaha

her:You mean a lot to him too.

It will make him happy and proud.

me:the gift is a picture frame that says something like "love is felt with the soul, seen with the heart, and grows as it is shared" and its a pic of me in my tennis uniform...


thank you for telling me that.. :')

her:You are welcome. Happy Break!

me: you too!

-----------------------------------------------------------

i mean a lot to him.... <3 i mean a lot to him. <3

i mean a lot to him.

<3

I want to see him >.<

lol
i want a hug >.>

its so hard to explain. He is my dad (not father...dad. there is a difference. Father is biological. Dad is a term of affection). I love him. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. how will he react when he reads the letter?

uuuugh it makes my heart beat fast wondering if he will be ok with it.

adsflgkquv bwro; byb;ty;y;bu.kfjugD;KJGHD;kgjh;gjfdh;kjHDJHSDGFLDJFHG;FDKGJH;IUHlkdfhjsd;fkgjhfs;kjghsljhtlsfjg;fkjgh;sfkjgh;kfdjh.

^ my brain.

Friday, December 20, 2013

gift for Woolard

so i got woolard a christmas gift.

its a picture frame that says somethign along the lines of "love is seen with the heart, felt in the soul, and grows by giving it away" or something like that. i liked it and got it. And i put one of my senior pictures in it, me in my tennis uniform posing cutely.

i aldo added in a letter. i'm not going to type everything i wrote... but.. i basically told him that i see him as my dad. that with the year almost over i feel like i am loosing my dad. that i love him. and that i'm grateful i got to know him.

.. i may or may not have been crying during the majority of the writing process...

anyway.

i am glad i wrote it. as i said in the letter: "life is short and fast."
i want him to know.

i don't want to say goodbye.
i don't want to loose him.
he is probably the only dad i will ever have... and i am really going to miss him.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

sick-ish

so my mom was sick, and then cara got sick, and they both had a virus. so... yesterday i woke up with s ore throat and fever. so i stayed home. i stayed at a steady 99.7/99.6 temp for the majority of the day. I slept to 1, fixed lunch and watched pride and prejudice, then went back to sleep till 5:30. I then watched Castle with my mom and ate 2 crab somthing or other thingyies. chinease food. 2 small crab thingies. yeah. xP

so today i have no fever, i have a stuffy nose, and i'm feeling alright :) so i'm sick-ish. :P

Original Villanelle

** i wrote this for a class. the other poem was my first attempt t a Villinelle, but was incorrect, so here is its Villenelle twin!**

A Villanelle: Smiles are just a formality

Smiles are just a formality.
Masks to hide the chaos within,
Conform to society’s reality.

We hide within our own surreality,
With thoughts flowing on a whim,
 Smiles are just a formality.

Commands spoken with finality,
Get a job. Go to school. Do your part. Hide within your skin.
Conform to society’s reality.

We sink into a sense of normality.
 Becoming just another face, a number. Feel it sink in.
 Smiles are just a formality.

We walk around with false congeniality ,
 Feel the chains’ hold begin.
 Conform to society’s reality.

 We long to step out and show individuality,
 but are silenced by fear’s shadowy spin.
 Smiles are just a formality.
 Conform to society’s reality.

original poem :)


Smiles are just a formality

Smiles are just a formality.
Masks to hide the chaos within,
Conform to society’s reality.

We hide within our own surreality,
no one ever knows.
 Smiles are just a formality.

Commands spoken with finality,
Get a job. Go to school. Do your part.
Conform to society’s reality.

We sink into a sense of normality.
 Becoming just another face, a number.
 Smiles are just a formality.

We walk around with false congeniality ,
 pretending to care, not really there.
 Conform to society’s reality.

 We long to step out, show individuality,
 but are silenced by fear’s shadow.
 Smiles are just a formality.

 Conform to society’s reality.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

just stop.

this day needs to stop. just stop.

my throat hurts.
i'm almost seriously chocked in lunch.
my head hurts.
everyone is being rambunctious and obnoxious to mrs. herrera and challenging her authority.
someone threw a fucking crayon across the room and hit me in the eye.

today needs to just stop.

Monday, December 16, 2013

compliment :3

so i sang a piece of a song for my bus driver (Mrs. Stancil) and she just loves the sound of my voice <3

she said it makes her think of another world of piece and happiness, which is what celtic folk music does for me <3

she also said that the way i sing reminded her of someone,

"a male teacher at the school... a mr..... woo-"
"woolard?" i helped, grinning from ear to hear.
"yeah thats him! you two should do a duet together!"
"omg that would make my life. that would be amazing!" (i've always wanted woolard to hear me sing)
"i'll hunt him down and tell him tomorrow, early in the mornign!" she said winking.

omg.
woolard.
she is going to go brag about my singing.
to woolard.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO <3

and i'm giving her a link to my Youtube account so she can see all the videos i've done of me singing.

this is the song i started to sing for her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqxhyJdzsFU

^ i dedicates this song to her, but right after it i sang a different one and dedicated that one to her too :P

this is the one i dedicated to her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGRQibjXmDg&feature=youtu.be

Saturday, December 14, 2013

ACT:

yeah i bombed it. not in a good way. HA.   ,_,

vulnerable moment

so i was having a vulnerable moment last night and ended up facing the truth about myself. and feeling vulnerable i wanted someone to tell me t would all be okay.... i couldn't hear my spirit guide, i didn't have my phone to text anyone, so lke an idiot i sent a message to woolard. here if what it said:

hey woolard... i need your advice on a personal matter.
 a month and a half ago my boyfriend broke up with me.  before that i was happy,confident and energetic (the way i usually am). but after he broke up with me being confident and happy became an act.
 sometimes i can pretend to be alright so well i even fool myself for a while... but when i can't keep up the facade i feel desperate, insecure, and worthless. i know i'm not worthless, but i just can' help feeling this way.
i was wondering if you know a way to get better? for me to go back to actually being happy and confident and ready to take on the world, instead of pretending i am.

... oh shit. he JUST SAW THE MESSAGE... he's typing....

oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.....

ok he sin't typing anything anymore. but i know he saw it...

>.<
why did i send it? whhyyyyyyyyyy?

oh shit. he just replied.


woolard:
You are going through something that is natural and that everyone has gone through at one time or another.  As much as we would not like to admit it, we often rate our self worth by how much others like us.  When something like a break up happens, we think that since they dont want us anymore, we must not be worth anything and we begin to doubt and feel bad.
You need to just remember that you are the same wonderful person that you were while you were dating him and more than that, before you were dating him.  You dont need anyone to validate you other than you.  It is ok to feel blah and sad, but you have to realize there are others out there and even if it is not soon, YOU ARE AWESOME!!!

Dont let it get you down.  Remember that the best part of you is your heart and personality.  Dont let the situation rob you of that.

....and if it would make you feel better, I will go beat him up for you

me reply:
omg woolard i love you
thank you <3 i needed that laugh

him:
AND ITS 7AM ON A SATURDAY.........GO TO SLEEP!!!!
I LOVE YOU

me:
lol i get the lucky ACT this morning :P

him:
OOOHHHHHHHHH
Good luck with that one

me:
lol thanks <3

him: really don't let this boy getthing get you down.

me:
yes sir <3  i keep remineding myself the feeling is only temporary, but sometimes it just gets to me haha... i was having a down moment when i sent the message last night. thank you for reminding me how awesome i am ;)  seriously though...
thank you  <3


and he sent back one of those BIG stcker things in the message with the smiley face with heart eyes and then sent a <3

i love this man..he makes me feel like i have a dad <3


i just sent to him:

ewww.... ACT ride is here.... *sigh* well, time to get 'er done!

Friday, December 13, 2013

songs to sing

my wish by Rascal Flats
Scarborough fair/Evlven lover - Omnia
Colbie Calliet:

  • i never told you
  • brighter than the sun
  • realize
  • fallin for you


Daughtry:

  • its not over
  • crawling back to you
  • September
  • Waiting For Superman
  • over you
  • what about now
  • no surprise


A thousand years - Christina Perry
request: the way by Ariana grande
Joan - heather dale
hero - heather dale

Thursday, December 12, 2013

wow

i read the letters of recommendation that Mr. Woolard and Mrs. Weeks-Hughes wrote for me. I had no idea they thought so highly of me. Mrs Weeks-Hughes actually said i make the word a better place.  and woolard made me seem to be this amazing person (i'm really not)... i had no idea that he noticed that i let people play in my place during practice. reading his i almost teared up haha..

i love them so much <3
woolard especially.

cat and jackle idea

hmm.... so i'm debating whether o keep this a realistic fiction o take it into the science fiction genre.

i'm thinking... experimentation. In college they get kidnapped and experimented on. yeas later hey find each ohter again...

what was the experiment? genetic mutation.
Lyzza is made more like a feline.
Logan is more like a jackle.
Anna more like a bird (thoth)
Megan more feline (sekhmet)
Pyro is more beast-like.... no one knows what e was spliced with. (Set) <- no evil, just ambitious and ruthless and protective.

 they all manage to escape, with the help of the gods... Pyro kills several guards and Anna is able to remember the way to the exit even though her head was covered. Megan is helping pyro take out any obstetrical, they seem to have a very nice bond going on in the bloodshed.  They make it back to the college but all kind of try to forget what happened. They just go on with their lives, each fighting the side effects of the experimentation.


when they graduate they all separate (But the girls stay in touch) (pyro and Lyzza stay in ouch as well)


years later they all meet by "accident"... Pro and Megan wants revenge and managed to get them all together, knowing that it would draw their experimenters out to attack them.

duh duh duh.... they all end up working to end the secret oganization (again with the help of the gods) after meeting a young girl, maybe 13? covered in blood and crying. she escaped her captor and wasn't tested on, but she was traumatized.


* note: change Logan's name....

Angel - business woman who funds them (normal person)
Logan is a security guard (hired by Angel ;) )
Lyzza is a consultant for a museum located in the city (but has connections all over the world)
Pyro is .... no one knows.  (he just seems to come and go as he pleases... makes many of them suspicious. hey think he might be working FOR the company not against it. - he isn't, but he is a mob boss... isn't afraid of getting his hands dirty.)
Megan is a Lawyer.
Anna is a software developer in a major technological company and a stripper (for fun) .. She is a hacker.  (thank you thoth!)


kinda thinking of combining Beauty and the beast (the show...), leverage, and ... i guess it would turn out a lo like Nikita and Maximum Ride.. though i wasn't aiming for that.

Soul and body

idk if i already put his up here but if i did, i'm putting it up again :P

poem:

Soul
O Who shall, from this Dungeon, raise
A Soul inslav'd so many wayes?
With bolts of Bones, that fetter'd stands
In Feet ; and manacled in Hands.
Here blinded with an Eye ; and there
Deaf with the drumming of an Ear.
A Soul hung up, as 'twere, in Chains
Of Nerves, and Arteries, and Veins.
Tortur'd, besides each other part,1
In a vain Head, and double Heart.
BodyO who shall me deliver whole,
From bonds of this Tyrannic Soul?
Which, stretcht upright, impales me so,
That mine own Precipice I go;
And warms and moves this needless Frame:
(A Fever could but do the same.)
And, wanting where its spight to try,
Has made me live to let me dye.
A Body that could never rest,
Since this ill Spirit it possest.
SoulWhat Magic could me thus confine
Within anothers Grief to pine?
Where whatsoever it complain,
I feel, that cannot feel, the pain.
And all my Care its self employes,
That to preserve, which me destroys:
Constrain'd not only to indure
Diseases, but, whats worse, the Cure:
And ready oft the Port to gain,
Am Shipwrackt into Health again.
BodyBut Physick yet could never reach
The Maladies Thou me dost teach;
Whom first the Cramp of Hope does Tear:
And then the Palsie Shakes of Fear.
The Pestilence of Love does heat :
Or Hatred's hidden Ulcer eat.
Joy's chearful Madness does perplex:
Or Sorrow's other Madness vex.
Which Knowledge forces me to know;
And Memory will not foregoe.
What but a Soul could have the wit
To build me up for Sin so fit?
So Architects do square and hew,
Green Trees that in the Forest grew.
by Andrew Marvell

------------------------------------my response----------------------------------------

A Dialogue Between The Soul And Body
       I was looking over a list of poems by Andrew Marvell and one immediately jumped out to me. “A Dialogue between the Soul and the Body” caught my attention because just last night I was thinking how much I needed to get in-tune to my soul.  As odd as it might sound, I have seen my soul.  I went on a guided mediation to meet my higher self, my inner soul, and I saw her.  I am determined to be her, to be the “me” from within. I have a feeling that maybe that is what the poem is about, becoming in-tune with the soul.

       As it turns out, I was wrong, at least according to the first two stanzas.  In the first stanza the soul is talking about how trapped it feels inside the body. Something I can relate to so strongly it scares me.  There are times when I feel like I am my soul and that there is not enough room in this body, that I am constricted and caged. I just want to tear my skin off and breathe as if my body is just a heavy blanket suffocating me in a cage of  bone.  The soul says “O Who shall, from this Dungeon, raise A Soul inslav'd so many wayes? With bolts of Bones, that fetter'd stands In Feet ; and manacled in Hands.

      Here blinded with an Eye ; and there Deaf with the drumming of an Ear.” Blinded with an eye and deaf with the drumming of an ear,  those lines stick out to me like sore thumbs. Since I have become more into reality, or at least less connected to my spiritual side, I have not seen or heard from my spirit guide.  I have always been mostly blind to the unseen, my inner eye being underactive and I haven’t heard very much since I started trying to listen. This physical body has pretty much become a prison, cutting me off from those I long to be with.

        The second stanza is the body basically blaming the spirit, or soul, for its unrest and uneasiness. The body says that it feels feverish and that it is tortured by the soul. A Particular line stuck out to me in this stanza as well:  “Has made me live to let me dye”.   The soul brings forth life into the body, yet it is the reason several bodies wish to die. I believe that my spirit is the reason I was suicidal (other than the chemical imbalance in my brain). I think this may be the first time my spirit has been in human form and it very often wants out.  When I say “wants out” I mean it wants out of this body, out of this particular life, out of this restrictive and separate life.  Even now the thought of death is a very welcome thought and is an event I look forward to. But these are not natural thoughts for a living body, and can torture the body just as much as the soul. I believe my bipolar disorder is caused by my soul, yet it is my body that suffers.

    The third stanza is told by the soul again, talking about how empathy comes naturally and that it can’t be turned off. “What Magic could me thus confine Within another’s Grief to pine? Where whatsoever it complain, I feel, that cannot feel, the pain. And all my Care its self employs, That to preserve, which me destroys” these words are basically saying that empathy cannot be turned off so that when the soul feels for another’s situation it feels the pain. It hurts when others hurt, spiritually and emotionally, not physically. I also can attest to it, it is because of this I am often called to compassion and am considered “too nice”.

      The body then tells the spirit that it suffers as well, not physically, but emotionally. Sadness, fear, love, hatred are all things that plague the body because of the soul.  “What but a Soul could have the wit To build me up for Sin so fit?” the body is explaining that what could cause these feelings other than the soul? I can agree that the soul can cause emotions. Those people who cannot feel emotions the way most do, psychopaths, have had their bodies and minds traumatized to the point that they cannot connect to the spirit at all, depriving them of a full flow of emotion, empathy, and compassion. There are times I feel like I lose contact with my spirit, or that I make a connection to it in a way that I am able to temporarily stop my emotion and become poised to attack. I think this is because my spirit has lived before, though not as a human, and has had previous experience with life and knows when it is alright to become sharp and fierce instead of soft and gentle. 

     Basically the poem is saying, and I agree, that the body and spirit influence eachother, in both enjoyable and not so fun ways. The Soul is what drives the body, but can also cause the issues that come with life and with the body. The issues of the body, its limitations for example, are what cause pain for the spirit. They both help and torture each other.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

another woolard poem again

you don't know that you change the world;
Especially in the eyes of one particular girl

Who looks up to you as an icon,
put up on high.
But you are so far above her
its like you live in the sky.

She longs to tell you how she feels,
but you are her teacher and heads could reel.

She loves with the eyes of a daughter...
with the yes that have longed to look upon a father.

She sees you as her teacher
but feels you are more.

Only she can't show you how much
for she is held by society at her core.

Lyzza death scene: The Cat and The Jackle pt1

"Anna hold on!" i said as i climbed into my car. I didn't buckle, i just put it in drive and hit the gass. I was super tense and i got tenser at every red light. Finally the light turned green and i took a breathe and went to go. i was half way through the intersection and all sound stopped. Instinctivley i looked to my left and saw the truck coming. It was twice as big as my little car and i didn't even have time to gasp.

I didn't know when the impact ended and the flipping of my car began but i was screaming as i felt my car flip off the road and then into a pole. I felt myself  fly from my car onto something hard. I hear car horns honking and people yelling and i couldn't think. My lungs burned, my body screamed in pain and my brain wouldn't focus. there were so many sounds and all so loud; i wanted to sigh with relief when they all blurred together and then slowly faded away. My eyes shut and all went black.

----- next chapter-----

It couldn't have been more than 30 seconds that i was out and when i felt my self come into consciousness i knew i was laying on my back. I couldn't breathe and my lungs still burned. The smell of gasoline was still fresh in my bloody nose.  When i remembered how to inhale i groaned in pain and sat up. I took another breathe, shallow to avoid the burning sensation, and realized the pain was gone. I went to inhale a deeper breath and let it out again - painless. I smiled and then froze. The pain was gone, noise was gone- i looked around- everything was gone except my flipped car. Everything was GONE. i was surrounded by white as far as the eye could see.

"i'm dead," i whispered. I died. The realization hit me and i laughed, No more pain and suffering and social stigmas and no more humanity and suffocation in my human body... But my euphoria was short lived. Anna. I would have no more Anna... Anna... Anna was in trouble. She was in trouble and i was dead.
"NOO!!!" i screamed in frustration. No one else knew where she was. No one else knew what happened! Anna!!! I screamed again in frustration. I looked at my ruined car, the metal bent and crumbled, glass everywhere my car door bent inward from impact and the windsheild shattered. No one was around so i started kicking and attacking the car to vent my frustration. I ended up stepping on a piece of glass that stabbed my foot and fell. I began to cry... Anna hold on.

No one was around to hear me cry, thankfully. Then again i froze as the scary thought repeated itself ni my mind. I was alone. Alone in death.
"No, no, no, no,no," i said my voice rising an entire octave with every word, "i'm not supposed to be alone! I'm not-" I began to panic when i felt him. I had only felt him three times before. I had felt him when my mom died. I felt him when i slapped him. And now i felt him as he came to take me to the otherworld.

Of coarse i had never seen him, not in his human form at least. He was tall and strong, and wore all black. I felt my eyes widen as he smiled. It was the same damn smile that Logan often gave me. A sexy half smile that was full of confidence to the point of arrogance. I sighed... Anubis, god of the dead and greeter of souls.
When he got close enough for me to see his eyes ten feet from me i stood up.

"Lyzza" he said kindly extending his hand. I wanted to take it so badly... i wanted to leave everything behind. I wanted to hug the god that scared me the most because he was going to take me away from everything that was slowly killing me on the inside. But i couldn't.

"No." i said quietly, tears filling my eyes. He lowered his hand and gave me a look i had seen before on Logan; the stop-being-stubborn-you-know-you-want-to look. I did want to. Badly. More than almost anything. Anna needs me I reminded myself. "This isn't right." i said trying to stall without using up his patients. I need time to figure out what to do. i don't have time for this, Anna hold on!

"what isn't right about this? Your car accident actually happened. Isn't that what you wanted to ask me four years ago? You wanted this happen did you not?" he said reminding me of the first time i ever thought about him. He was right again. But something was missing.

"Bast." i said answering him. Saying her name i hoped she would come. Judging by how quickly Anubis's smile disappeared i take it he knew she would come. I felt her next to me a second after i said her name. Warm and protective. If she was with me i knew i could get through this. I looked at her, she was beautiful and i knew that if i went back to the living i wouldn't remember how she looked. She smiled and put a hand on my shoulder. It was just as i remembered it from my dream, with nails long and filed to be claws.

"Hey dog-breath whats kickin'?" She said winking at me. I focus hard and sent her a prayer; I want to go with him, but Anna needs me more than i need this. I can always die another time. She looked at me and smiled.

"Dog breath? really?" Anubis said in annoyance. He turned from her to look at me and his voice lost its annoyance. I was surprised that he was being so patient, he must be very busy and here i was trying to get out of my death.

"Lyzza, Bast is here, now come on. Its  beautiful just like you always imagined." Again he extended his hand and i longed to run over and take it. Bast bent and whispered in my ear. I had to focus on what she said.

"Sweatheart think. What are you?" i purred the words and it soothed my longing. I was able to hold myself back from him. What am I? i thought. I saw flashes, memories, go before my eyes as Anubis slowly walked over to me. I was curling up in Anna's Lap. I was hissing at Logan. I was kneading Pyro's back. playing with Angel's ribbons in her hair. Purring as Logan sang me to sleep....

"I'm a cat." i said, a new feeling creeping inside of me. Power. And before i knew what happened I was part of Bast and she was Part of me. We looked at Anubis and smiled.

"Cheer up Do- my friend. You know you are secretly proud of her." We said winking.
"Cats have nine lives." we said and then all was black.

I screamed out in pain.

songs to get

to get:

omnia - Saltatio Vita

Good Charlotte:
like its her birthday
the anthem
hold on
girls don't like boys
just wanna live
the river

The calling:
things will go my way

within temptation....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DH8fyTxEVA4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAhxI6CUgVY

goodman by devour the day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOm2fLucQ9g

fort minor-  remember the name

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbT3uvOl3Dk

Taylor Swift Sparks Fly
Miranda Cosgrove -Sparks Fly


Daughtry:
its not over
crawling back to you
september
Waiting For Superman
over you
what about now
no suprise

pity party

ok i'm about to have a pity party.

how come jake has a new girlfriend before me? why can' i find a girlfriend???
i'm:

  • smart
  • funny
  • nice
  • good with kids
  • fun to be around
  • encouraging
  • honest
  • i try to look welcoming
  • i usually dress comfortably but in a way that flatters how i look?
  • i associate with good people
  • i can be mature
  • i can be silly
  • i am a really good person....

so WHY can't i find a girlfriend?
i'm trying to have a go-with-the-flow attitude with it, and wait for the right time - right person bs... what is wrong here?

Jake is lucky because he has girls throwing themselves at him... i have to actually FIND other lesbian/bi/pansexual girls... and then i have to find one that i am attracted to! thats a hard thing to do ...

and i know there is one girl that likes me, but i am no into he in any way....

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.....


i havn't done any scholarsips. i don' know if i have gotten into any schools. I applied to ECU and Elizabeth City and havn't head back from either yet.

i am just so tired of his crap....

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

pentacle on my head

Am i reading too much into this?

so i looked in the mirror and saw that i was breaking out on my forehead... not unsual except that there were 5 major ones and they all are in the perfect spot to make the pentagram if i were to connect them. instantly a line from the rede popped into my head.

"When misfortune is enow wear the star upon your brow"

what exactly does that line mean? idk but it INSTANTLY came to mind.....

Collin interview for sleepy hollow

it was cool
people on set were great
it felt just like being in hollywood

1. best part was when they brought out sandwhiches and gaterade on trays out onto the baseball feild
2. it felt just like being in hollywood.
3. it was one of the greatest expeiriences that made senior year to memorable.

uuuuuuuuughghgfdgjkh;GJH

yes the title is intentional. 

i am cramping non-stop.
i am moody.
i want to go home.
i don't want to do any work.
i don't want to deal with people.
i want to watch more beauty and the beast (the show not the movie)
i want to sleep
and i want to lament on how much my uterus has betrayed me. 


if only it were 5 days.... its like... 8-9 for me....



uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh
UTERUS....WHYYYYY HAVE YOU FORSAKENN MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 
WHYYYYYY......

blup.

so i wore my senior hoody to sleep last night.... best night of sleep i've had in a while.

i ad 3 cats on the bed with me, i didn't toss and turn, no nightmares, and my jaw didn't hurt at all during the night and early morning.


i started my period this morning. I am glad.... it means i can get it over with.... BUT I HATE CRAMPS. i can feel my uterus constricting and  contracting(?) ... uuuuughhhhhhh

love you guys <3

Monday, December 9, 2013

worried

I'm Worried... Cara is sick.

i am PRAYING that it is just the common cold that is exaggerated because of her asthma.... but in reality is is AT LEAST bronchitis... heading toward pneumonia.

gods be with her :/

jaw

My jaw has been hurting for the past 2-3 weeks now..... it started hurting randomly and because it started hurting i started clenching my jaw in my sleep which then causes more pain in the jaw and in the ear.

i am in so much pain right now. i want to cry.

The only way to make the pain bearable is by chewing gum. i am on my last piece. FML.

What started the original pain that caused all this?? FUCKING WISDOM TEETH.

and yes i am at school, and i just cussed, and that will prolly raise a a flag but I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I AM IN FUCKING PAIN.

i just want to tear off my jaw and rip out my left ear drum.


i need to get them out.... and if i remember correctly it would cost between 3-4 thousand dollars.

its not happening any time soon.... i have a dentist appointment soon... maybe in 2 weeks.... gods i hope they can give me good news.... but its not likely.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

computer test

So, i took the benchmark test in my computer class.... last time i made an 86, this time? i made a 94. I have t take it again i think... hopefully i'll make a 100 ;)

legal

yup...i'm officially an old person :P
i turned 18 today! i kind of have mixed feelings.

i am super excited, and happy, as i usually am when its my birthday....

but i'm also legal. My driver's permit has expired... i need to renew it

and i need a job before i can even try to get my license....

I am responsible for myself. I'm now liable for myself on an adult level.  i'm not a kid anymore.

so i need to apply to:

Denny's- hostess
Starbucks
A.C. Moore
Bath and Body Works
Vector__ thing...

just as some ideas, but since i didn't bring my resume to school, i need to apply at home.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Dream again~ it has mermaids ;)

so last nigh i had another dream tha i KNOW deals with sexuality. mermaids. i remember that they mean something with doubting the female sexuality.

so in the dream....

i'm in Costa Rica. I am on some kind of adventure and i end up defeating a bad guy to save a kidnapped baby, who i give to a young man. This young man will take her (smuggle her) back to her family. After that i end up exploring a jungle, and i follow a very exotic mermaid (a cross between the mermaids from Peter Pan, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Mermaids: he body found ) who has the colors of Dory from Nemo. I end up following he to tunnels, that remind me of water slides. remembering that mermaids will sometimes ea people i make sure o go into a different tunnel than the one that i followed. It takes me to a mermaid cove which is filled with all different types of mermaids. I end up finding out that the men there do not have to worry about being eaten as long as they serve the mermaids. In big waves i get to see the mermaid goddess: a beautiful mermaid, huge, with dark hair and black wings. She has 4 next in command mermaids, with white tails and white angel wings carrying intricate white spear-staffs.  Something happens that i don't remember and The mermaid goddess is attacked and hurt, i end up getting to have a conversation with her. I sadly don't remember what was said, but i end up getting to keep a feather from her wing.

key items:
Costa Rica
Adventure
Baby
Mermaid
tunnel
Pod of mermaids
Giant waves
Goddess
Black Angel wings
four
White Angel wings
conversation
Black Feather

meanings:
Island (Costa Rica) - To see or dream that you are on an island signifies ease, relaxation and comfort.The dream is telling you that you need a vacation and escape the stresses in your life. It is time for some solitude.

Adventure- To dream that you are an adventurer indicates that you are lacking adventure in your waking life. You need some excitement and variety. 

Baby - To dream of an extremely small baby symbolizes your helplessness and your fears of letting others become aware of your vulnerabilities and incompetence. You may be afraid to ask for help and as a result tend to take matters into your own hands. 

Mermaids - To see a mermaid in your dream signifies the female aspect of yourself that is mysterious and secretive. It may also show a fear of sex.For a woman, it suggests doubts over her femininity.

Tunnel - To dream that you are going through a tunnel suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious. You are opening yourself to a brand new awareness. Alternatively, it indicates your limited perspective as in the phrase "tunnel vision". 

pod - To see a group in your dream refers to the merging of various aspects of your character and personality.

Waves - To dream that you are caught in a tidal wave represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands your attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. You may be holding back tears that you are afraid to express in your waking life. On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old habits

Goddess - To see a goddess in your dream symbolizes your femininity or feminine side.

black wings - To dream that you are flying with black wings signifies bitter disappointments.

four - Four denotes stability, physical limitations, hard labor and earthly things, as in the four corners of the earth or the four elements (earth, wind, fire and water). It also stands for materialistic matters and how you get things done.Alternatively, the dream may be a pun on being "for" a position. In Asian cultures, the number four is a metaphor for death.

white wings: To dream that you have the wings of an angel indicate your sweet, angelic quality. Or you may be in need of some protection from life's stresses and problems.

conversation - To dream that you are talking does not have any significance unless it is unusual or bizarre.

feather - To see a feather in you dream symbolizes warmth. You are expressing your tender side and a desire to be close to someone. Consider also how the dream may relate to the proverb "birds of a feather flock together". Perhaps you need to break away from the masses or you need to make new friends

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REMEMBER:

  • I saved a baby, a VERY small baby. 
  • the four mermaids with white wings were guarding the goddess.
  • The mermaid goddess had black wings.
  • The goddess gave me a feather.... She had been giving me advice before she gave it
  • The goddess came on a tidal wave that stood still, almost like a stage for her. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

notes:

  • saving the baby: I am seeing and admitting my fear of letting people know i am afraid of sex?
  • Going though the tunnels: by realizing the last dream means i want sex i have become more aware, and i need to work through his fear to continue on. 
  • Black wings signify disappointment, the MERMAID goddess had black wings. so maybe: My fear of sex makes me doubt and feel disappointed in my sexuality.
  • The four guardian mermaids represent good and purity, and they were protecting, so: i feel i need protection from stress? Maybe so i will be less afraid?
  • The goddess gave me a feather: In order to get over my fear i need to get close to someone. then i won't be afraid of the sex?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
interpretation:

I need to admit my fear and let whoever i end up being with know about it.  By admitting this, i can open myself to new hings. I am disappointed in myself for my fear of sex and i think subconsciously it makes me doubt myself and i think i feel less worthy because of it. I think that it is society that has made me feel this way, i think the expectations of sex an sexual activity make me feel like a freak or being afraid of it; that is why The four guardians were guarding the goddess, and maybe also that he protection from how society makes me feel will help to kill the fear? I believe the ultimate way of dispelling the fear of sex is to do it with somone i feel reall close to, someone i can trust. 

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

dream from last night

OK so last night i had an odd dream.  i was dating this guy, who i think was a vampire. He looked exactly like a character in all of my stories.... Long black hair, toned muscles, but lean... i can't remember his face. He was nice, and sweet, protective, and made me laugh. it was really nice...

any way i dreamed that we were looking for some other vampires who were causing trouble and we ended up finding a storage unit place? any way it was full of cardboard boxes that were really soft aaaaannnnd we made out. it was fun. but then something happened and i was by myself, and i started looking for the vampires again. I ended up finding one, who was actually  a vampire from a movie i saw ("We are the night"...it wasn't really good, but its something to watch if you are board). she had this young man by the throat, he looked terrified. He was a newly made vampire and when i said to let him go she said "okay!" and she hit a certain spot on his neck, and he started to freak out. In his fear he started to transform into some kind of hairy creature, i think he was slowly morphing into a bat. I ended up picking him up, he was half transformed and about the size of a three year old. He was covered in hair and was deformed, but he wasn't a threat. I held him like i would hold a frightened cat, and i remember thinking in my dream that it really was like holding a cat. 

He eventually calmed down and began to transform back into a person....aaaaaaaaand thats all i remember.

so lets pick out key things:


  • Storage unit
  • cardboard boxes
  • kissing
  • searching
  • vampires
  • transformation
  • bat 
  • comforting someone


What they represent:
storage area - To dream that you are at a self storage facility relates to issues that you are keeping to yourself instead of confronting. Items that you put into storage symbolizes the past. You are still hanging to some part of your past and are not completely ready to move forward.

cardboard boxes- To see a box in your dream signifies your instinctual nature and destructive impulses. Alternatively, you may be trying to preserve and protect some aspect of yourself. The box may also symbolize your limitations and restrictions. Consider the pun of "being boxed in".

making out - To dream that you are making out with someone suggests that you have an subconscious desire to pursue a relationship, but fear that it will jeopardize the friendship. If you don't like this person in this way, then the dream suggests that you need to acknowledge and incorporate aspects of this person into your own character. Consider specific traits that this person possess.

searching - To dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlightenment, peace or even a solution to a problem.

Vampires - To see a vampire in your dream symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside, you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to her or him. Vampires also sometimes relate to decisions about sex and losing your virginity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic of someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.

Transformation (person to animal) - To dream that you are changing into the form of an animal indicates that you are becoming less civilized, less restrained and becoming more free and instinctive. You may be expressing your new found freedom/independence and experiencing a lack of boundaries. Alternatively, taking the form of an animal suggests that your primal desires and/or repressed sexual urges are coming to the surface and needing to be satisfied. Consider also the animal that your turn into.

Bat - To see a bat in your dream symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances. Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also indicate some unknown situation and how you are blindly entering into a situation or deal.


I bolded the things in each symbol that stuck out to me. 
storage -i am keeping an issue to myself instead of being open about it
box -i am trying to preserve something about myself
making out -i want a relationship
searching - searching for love and spiritual enlightenment
vampire - related to sex, nobility and aggression
Transformation- becoming more free, primal desire, sexual desires
bat -rebirth and unrealized potential, my path is not compatible with my future.

sex. my dream is about sex.

keep an issue quiet? sex.
preserving something? my virginity
making out? want a relationship.
i was searching for a vampire... searching for someone fierce, sensual, and sexual...
transforming into a bat? a vampire (fierce and seductive) brings rebirth and unrealized potential.
i was comforting the bat-vamp... trying to sooth him and STOP his transformation...
i am trying not to go this way...



basically this dream says that i want a sexual relationship and it should be with someone fierce, sensual, that i am attracted to, and someone who will bring around a positive change within me, although i will try to fight it.