yay~

yay~

i made a glog :D
about.....duh duh duh....

faeries!!!...not surprising...

but, it is a composition of what i know from reading and research.

:DDDD LOOKYYY!!!!

http://faerieluv.edu.glogster.com/faerie-courts

this morning

i feel the panic begin to set itself in my stomach. my eyes begin to tear up with hot salt water, making them burn. no. just no.  i'm not ready. i'm not ready to be a senior. i'm not ready. I'M NOT READY!!!!!!!
not because i am at school, i cannot talk/type as freely as i normally would... so let me say this politely. fudge.shirt. fudge.fudge.fudge. shirt.shirt.shirt.

you can say no to several things. sex.drugs.bad grades. those things you can stop and you have control over. but time? the...female dog... will just laugh in your face. Now, time is neutral, she often doesn't favor anyone. but she can be entirely cruel. Humans mature (physically) waaaaaaaay to fast. i don't understand it. i'm.not.ready.

but ready or not, here i come. and it makes me panic. shirt. shirt.shirt.shirt.shirt.shirt.shirt.

what happens if i don't die after high school? what happens if the car accident doesn't happen? i live. my worst and dreaded fear. I'd rather go insane, i'd rather die, i'd rather be taken away by the fae..... but to live in this day and age, in this society? no. that is my worst fear.
i'm not ready for it. i'm not.

it makes me so anxious. so angry. to sorrowful.


and, to top off this horrible morning.
My twin is comming home tomorrow from basic training. i am happy about this. BUT. she sent out txts to several people, her close friends.  does she txt me? NO. I'm HER FUDGING SISTER! nothing.


so: hurt feelings and anxiety, that is how my morning has been. and it is only 9:38. fun.

whispered words

*based on a guided meditation i did in which i saw my inner/high self.  She said something to me, only her voice was in such a quiet whisper i couldn't make out what she said.

Elegance and beauty,
you reflect what is in me.
My spirit that i hold inside this body.
alive.

i walked the path to you,
my fear and worried fled,
you are proof that i am not dead
inside.

Like looking into a mirror,
only you had grace that i do not.
with a face like mine, only it was more.
Elvish.

With skin perfect,
your hair longer and lighter,
what showed me that you were me, your eyes.
mine.

Your face more elegant,
but i knew you were me.
Dressed in robes of royal colors,
spirit.

Both kind and loving,
you have patients for me,
you who dwells inside me.
smiling.

You know why i came.
you tell me somthing, only it is quiet.
Sadly your whispers remain
unheard.

Voice soft and gentle.
face familiar and yet alien.
you lady inside me, for now, are
unheard whispered words.

hallowwen costume: inuasha

hair: http://compare.ebay.com/like/251165074748?var=sbar&ltyp=AllFixedPriceItemTypes&_lwgsi=y&cbt=y

pants:
http://www.amiclubwear.com/clothing-pants-n3-sp-112red.html

top: http://www.ebay.com/itm/230776287151?hlp=false

necklace:
http://www.focalprice.com/YC0671B/Plastic_Inuyasha_Cosplay_Fang_Necklace_Black.html?utm_source=CS&utm_medium=GM_US&utm_campaign=CS_GM_US_YC0671B

ears:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/157420279/white-cat-ear-hair-clips?utm_source=google&utm_medium=product_listing_promoted&utm_campaign=accessories_low&gclid=CPHWvemHl7kCFU6Z4AodcVwA3g

sword: to be determined....

estimated price:
hair - 10
pants-  12
ears - 10
 necklace - 5
top - 5

total estimate: 42 dolars


so... i need to have bout 50 dollars by October....
XD
not hapening

i wonder..

so... i don't have a dad. i havn't had a steady male figure that i actually put in that role that stayed with me. but i wonder: what if i did? would i be different?
would i be stronger?
would i feel more whole?
I know i get sad when i see a father-child relationship that is just so sweet and it reminds me that i missed out on that.

i will find a way to let me children have a dad. maybe not via husband, but they will have a "dad" figure.

i always kind of wanted a dad like the one in this picture:

She irks me.

• Sees me eating Ramen from the cup (you know....they come in Styrofoam cups?) and proceeds to lecture/borderline fuss at me for not eating a pack of ramen.
• pushes racheal's school supplies onto the floor and then tells ME to "move it somewhere".
• Tried to pick a fight about the way i was sitting on the couch.
• Started an arguement about how long i cook my ramen and then when i defended myself/explained how "cooked" is different for different people she yells "oh my god lisa you are dragging this out, just stop" (not her wording exactly, but pretty damn close to it)
• dripping with venom and attitude everytime she speaks to me.

 and watch.... later she is going to act all sweet and ask me to do something for her. I love how  she expects me to do nice things for her when she is nothing but a bitch to me.

but you know what? i'm going to ignore her. i won't seak to her and i won't even look at her if i can help it.

Is it bad the only reason i am glad school is starting is that i get to be away from her for 7 hours everyday?
OH
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE BITCH TRIED TO DO? She made it sound like i did NOTHING but play on my computer while SHE did all the work with watching the kids during our babysitting-beach trip!!

the majority of the time i was on my computer was when the kids were at the pool with her. she WANTED to go to the pool. so did the kids. they were with her so i stayed and watched the baby.
I  was the one who played with them and watched them while at the beach. she made it sound like i did NOTHING but i did just as much as she did.

i also took them to the pool several times. so she can just shut her fucking mouth.

i swear...

The little girl she couldn't stand to be around (named jordan)? Yeah she couldn't stand to be around Jordan because Jodan treated her exactly how she treats me. So all that resentment, anger, and frustration she felt toward Jordan? thats how i feel about her most of the time.

it seemed only right she got a dose of her own medicine. bitch.

books

Books i want to get/buy/read

Ash by Malinda Lo
Huntress by Malinda Lo
Pretend you love me by Julie Ann Peters
Queer by Kathy B, Mark B, and Christian R
The Letter Q: Queer Writers' Notes to their Younger Selves by Sarah moon and james L
i don't remember you by Stephanie Lennox
Adaption by Malinda Lo
Kissing the Witch by Emma Donoghue
The Bloody Chamber by Angela Carter
Briar Rose by Robert Coover
My Mother She Killed Me, My Father He Ate Me: Forty New Fairy Tales
The Rose and The Beast: Fairy Tales Retold by Francesca Lia Block
The Uses of Enchantment: The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales by Bruno Bettelheim
The Dark Wife by Sarah Diemer
Project Unicorn, Volume 1: 30 Young Adult Short Stories Featuring Lesbian Heroine by
Keepers of the Cave by Gerri Hill
Roses and Bones by Francesca Lia Block
As white as snow by Tanith Lee
the price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith
Kissing Kate by Lauren Myrcale
Dare truth or promise by Paula Boock
Hallow's Eve: a halloween fairytale by sarah diemer
Sappho's Fables, Volume 1 by Elora Bishop
Devine touched vol. 1 by Cassandra Duffy
Everafter by Nell Stark
Love Devours by Sara Diemer
Midnight Hunt series by L.L. Raand (Midnight hunt, Blood Hunt, Night Hunt, the lone hunt)
Broken Wings by Lj Baker
Barking at the moon by Nene Adams
Water witch: the deciever's grave by Nene Adams (pirates!! :D)
the veil of sorrows by Crystal Michallet-Romero
Nightshade by Shea godfrey
Sleeping Beauty, Indeed by JoSelle Vanderhooft
Roses and thorns by Chris Anne Wolfe
Nymph by Francesca Lia Block
Fairy Tales in Electri-City by Francesca Lia Block
The poison eaters by holly black
The coldest girl in coldtown by holly black
Doll bones by holly black
Violet and claire by Francesca lia block
Girl goddess #9 by Francesca Lia Block
Wood Nymph Seeks Centaur: A Mythological Dating Guide by Francesca Lia Block
The elementals by francesca lia block
i was a teenage fairy by Francesca Lia block
the frenzy by francesca lia block
welcome to bordertown by holly black
Elsewhere by will sheterly (book1)
nevernever by Will shetterly (book2?)
The Essential Bordertown by Terri Windling and Delia Sherman

The good neighbor: kin by holly black (graphic novel # 1)
The good neighbor: kith by holly black (#2)
the good neighbor: kind by holly black (#3)

Teeth by holly black, and other various authors

message

soo...

http://faeriepedia.weebly.com/index.html

i left this wonderful lady a message/comment/thing.

"hi :) i was wondering if you could give me a little bit of advice?

I found this website while looking online for things about Fae-kin... and i was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me to figure out whether or not i should stop my search about otherkin.

I have looked at list upon list about hints and things that apply to most otherkin... and very rarely do any of them apply to me.

but i can't help thinking that i was a faerie in a past life. Rationally i know that this is probably wishful thinking and that i'm just a desperate girl trying to find a reason why i don't like being human, but i can't help but wonder.

Should i "face reality" and admit i'm just screwed and living in a fantasy world or is there a possibility that i might have been a faerie in my previous life? (even if the lists don't apply?)
thank you and sorry for any inconvenience. "

again....more...

bold = applies to me somehow


Common Traits/Talents
Very Energy and more often Nature Aware.
--Ability to "talk" to the wind, water, trees, etc.
--Ability to "hear" them reply
--A deeper, different, and more intense connection to the earth
--A deeper, different, and more intense connection to the magickal/astral/dream/etc.
--A strong connection with the stars, sun, moon, or celestial is common


Most otherkin DO tend to have higher then average IQ's *see footnote
--Mostly believed to be an extension of using more of one's mind and potential.
--Strong abilities in one field, poor in others (generally more liberal and arts minded)
--A strong sense of knowledge and need to learn (probably on ones own time and in their own way though)


Being overly sensitive to the "normal" senses
--Hearing light, seeing smells. Sounds weird, but seems oddly universal.
--Loving or hating sunlight-finding it either charging or draining.
--Whines from electronics easily heard, perfumes easily smelled, etc.
--Strong loves and hates of food and flavors
--The ability to "get lost in" or "drown" in pleasing colors
--To be emotionally moved by a site of Beauty


Empathy and/or mild Telepathy.
--This can sometimes gets to be a literal headache.
--May show up in childhood and be repressed for awhile or kept secret though school years.
--Just "knowing" when someone lies or tells the truth
--Getting a "feeling" about the nature of a person and their intentions
--Ability to convey a thought/emotion/need to another unspoken
--It seems like a natural extension of oneself. (I know I'm blind when I can't read someone or if I'm in such a large crowd that I get overloaded.


Separation and Feeling Out of Touch
--Sometimes even a very "protective" feeling towards others?
--The counter of this is feeling very "dominant" towards others
--Feeling "one step behind" of the crowd
--Having a speeding or slowing of Time

Yes...i'm still going on about this..

if its in bold....i feel it applies to me somehow.... if in ittalics then it has happened once or twice.. but not often....if underlined then it would apply if i were to have the chance yo do those things.

You might be Otherkin if...


Physical Characteristics and Remnants of Former Bodies/Lives

1. You feel a lot older than your grandmother and cannot explain why.

2. You miss a place, yet cannot explain where it is.

3. You find it very frustrating that you can't breathe under water or fly.

4. You have "phantom" body parts (such as wings or a tail) that you can feel move, and that sometimes become really annoying with clothes, or cause pain when "slept on".

5. You modify (or wear special) clothing or sit/stand/walk differently to accomodate physical characteristics your waking body doesn't have - or you don’t even realize you’re making such accomodations until someone else points out that you are.

6. Your doctor can’t figure out how you damaged your back to start with, but you don’t really want to tell hir it’s a battle injury from a previous life.

7. Transsexuals often want sex-change operations. You want SPECIES-change operations.

8. You are always the first one to hear something in the distance (ie: approaching car, person, storm...).

9. You have either more allergies than normal folks, possibly including odd ones like metals (iron and alloys, silver, gold, copper); stones (hematite, malachite, pyrite); certain herbs; or other substances not commonly considered allergenic, or you have a dragon's constitution and have less allergies than normal folks, and are not prone to disease (you never had the flu, etc.).

10. You have naturally dilated pupils, or see very well in the dark.

11. You have bright green or violet eyes, or eyes with multiple colours in them, or that change color.

13. Some part of your body changes shape and/or color.

14. The "you" you see in the mirror and the physical shell experienced by other people are entirely different entities.

15. You find yourself unable to develop an addiction - after a certain point, certain substances stop affecting you entirely. This is most bothersome when it's much-needed prescription medication.



Personality Characteristics, Perceptions and Habits

1. You don't consider yourself really human.

2. Your creativity (of whatever persuasion) consumes you to the point of eccentricity. Dance, music, art, and beauty in general are not luxuries, peripheral experiences or mere entertainment, but physical needs.

3. You know, see, and feel a deeper existence than the visible world around us.

4. The woods, glens, etc. speak to you and call you to come join them.

5. You have a deeper understanding of the cycle of life and death than many people do.

6. Most people find their inner children. You found your inner puppy or hatchling.

7. You remember your dreams with more detail, clarity and relevance than your waking moments.

8. Linear thought is a problem, and linear time an even greater one.

9. The books that speak the greatest Truths to you are found in the Fantasy/SF section.

10. Your best friends are nymphs, pixies, and fairies.

11. You think trees or holes in the ground are a great places to live.

12. You catch yourself referring to David Bowie as "cousin."

13. You find it hard to explain to mundanes that there really IS a dragon sitting on your pencil case and she’s been talking to you all through math and English.

14. You can sleep on the floor, ground or a wood bed, but not a metal frame bed.

15. You collect little 'oddities' that don't match anything else you own. Going to an antique store is like going to an adoption agency. You actually own more knick-knacks and stuff than the antique store down the street.

16. No religion seems to fit you, no matter which one you try.

17. You are the definition of "weird".

18. You love to hide in natural places when emotionally or otherwise upset.

19. You can actually speak Tolkien Elvish, and it feels like your mother tongue.

20. You don’t match your "real" age in looks, thoughts, words, wisdom, etc.

21. The weather and your moods have more than a coincidental link.

22. You write such good stories 'cause they aren’t stories... it’s all real.

23. You feel you’d have done much better a few hundred years back. Living History not only describes your favorite activity, it describes you.

24. You have an obesession with honor most people just don’t understand.

25. You've been in or almost caused a car accident because you were distracted by the sunset, sunrise, rainbow, moon, stars, lightning, and/or interesting cloud formations.

26. You bore very easily.

27. You get downright pissed when people harm animals or plants or destroy the environment.

28. As a child you always knew where to find the berries in the woods.

29. You are fascinated with language, linguistics, theology, anthropology, slang, subculture and the madness of crowds.

30. You see through spiritual charlatans like they were made of glass.

31.Your personality changes outright depending on the clothing you wear. That includes a mixed personality if you mix two kinds of clothing.

32. You prefer silver rather to gold, bronze, etc.



Interactions With "the Mundanes"

1. Human language just isn't enough to FULLY convey what you are trying to say. You feel telepathy, empathy, and visual sendings make up most of your languge and you often tend to use these more than spoken words, much to the dismay of those around you.

2. Your friends and family have always thought of you as, shall we say, "different."

3. You never quite see things from the same point of view as your mundane friends. They never get your sense of humour.

4. Mundanes think you are eccentric, very intelligent or crazy, but you think that you are normal and they are the ones who are odd.

5. You have actually answered "elf", "dragon", "fae", "werewolf", etc. under the "Race" section of surveys or when asked by telemarketers.

6. Your friend's cat, who hates EVERYONE including your friend, loves you.

7. People either love you or hate you and you cannot figure out why. (this is a maybe?)

8. Animals and trees are better friends to you than most mundanes.

9. You feel horrible if you have to act human, and weird things happen to you when you try.

10. When you haven’t slept for a few nights running, haven’t eaten, don’t feel pain, etc., the standard explanation from your friends is "but we all know you’re not human..."

         ...before you've even told them what you really are.

11. You attract the strangest people. They seem to congregate around you as if attracted by some pheremone only they can perceive.

12. You almost never play a human character in role-playing games. (Bonus points if you refuse to play a human in the SCA or at Ren Faires, but rather play a vampire, elf or faerie.)

13. People's professed personalities and beliefs cause you to break out in peals of laughter at socially inappropriate times.

14. People often ask you if you are on drugs.

15. Hospitals, most schools, government buildings, and large, impersonal corporations either depress you to the point of tears or trigger panic attacks.

16. Small children come up to you and hug you for no apparent reason. (its the other way around for me...)



Magic, Psi and Strange Occurrences

1. You think nothing of adjusting your energy to a "peace" signature to calm down someone who's agitated. (Fun with glamour, folks!)

2. When you don't want to be noticed, you can be wearing three-inch spikes and a mohawk, and people walk past you, oblivious.

3. Your dreams bleed over into mundane reality.

4. You catch glimpses of an alternate reality superimposed or side-by-side with mundane reality. When you're half asleep and half awake, the worlds tend to blur and you can see numerous realities existing at once.

5. Your wishes affect mundane reality in a tangible way.

6. Too many synchronicities happen to you to pass them all off as coincidence.

7. Small children run up to you and point out the nice lady with pointy ears or the big furry man or the dragon.

8. Grown people nervously ask you if you've ever thought of yourself as "elf-like" or "dragon-like," or just get positively freaked out being near you.

9. You "bleed over" in pictures (characteristics visible in your "other form" show up on the film).

10. You dream prophetically.

11. When really stressed/relaxed/magickal you speak in a foreign unknown language or make animal noises.

12. People are spooked when you walked up behind them and they never heard you coming. You move so silently that you can even sneak up on a police dog without it noticing you.

13. Energy work seems so natural for you that even as a beginner you baffle most veteran magic users. You can't understand why people need all those props to do anything magical, when it's so much simpler to just reach and change something. You're unable to grasp that there are people who can't feel magical flows, no matter how often you hear otherwise.

14. You've met someone you instantly knew from dreams you’ve been having since you were five.

15. From time to time really strange things happen, like you get cut and your blood falls on a white rose and it turns red, and within a month the entire rose bush has deep red flowers.

16. You sense spirits residing within rocks, trees, waters, buildings, mechanical objects, etc., and you converse with them regularly. (i don't feel them, but i do know they are there and i do talk to them somtimes)

17. You didn't know that not everyone did lucid dreaming (astral projection, hands-on healing, aura sight, telepathy, precognition...) until you read about it.

18. You "smell" what kind of mood the people around you are in.

19. Computers often malfunction, act up, and do lots of unusual things in your presence, causing your coworkers to ask you to "stand over there, please" and causing your company's resident computer tech many hours of heartache. (people's internet seems to mess up around me somtimes)

20. Sometimes when you see or meet a stranger you see a flash of their True Nature without even trying.

21. You can alter time, manipulate the weather, conjure things or teleport by accident, etc. without ever having learned how, nor in fact understanding how these are possible.

22. When they unearth an ancient earth artifact that "no one" knows about you not only find that you recognize it, but also that you had been telling your friends about it for the last few years.

23. You don't just dream, you go planet-hopping.

24. Time always does weird things around you.

25. Your friends use you as the resident antenna for the radio, for it always receives better sound when you stand in front of it.

26. You cannot wear watches or other timepieces on your person. If you do, they are rendered completely useless within days and become blithering idiots that have no idea what time it really is anymore.

27. You can hear the stars singing.

28. All of your best friends/lovers/etc. awaken to otherkin natures within a few months of meeting you.

29. You can't ever remember the color of someone's eyes, but you can describe their aura/astral form in detail.



see.... barley any of this applies to me :'(

i will not....

i will not slap my sister...
i will not slap my sister...
i will not slap my sister...
i will not slap my sister....
i will not slap my sister.....
i will not slap my sister....

this bitch is about to get slapped.

otherkin.... and me.

http://otherkin.net/wiki/Manual/BecauseHumansLostTheirWay

read this^. really READ it.

it really speaks to me. It makes perfect sense to me. and i often wish i were one of those spirits in human form. i really do.. how often do i wish i weren't human? that i could be free in nature....thaat humanity is not for me? but as much as i wish i could say i'm a non-human spirit trapped in a human body (an otherkin) i know it is wishful thinking.

Otherkin have physical and emotional signs that i just don't have...

but i agree with this article. what  is in bold is what i can relate to.

They will know that what makes other people happy does not make them happy, and that what makes them happy makes them happier than anyone else alive.

They will see things others cannot see, hear things others cannot hear, feel things others cannot feel, and know things others do not know.

They will laugh a great deal or cry a great deal or both.

They will love humans individually, but have a hard time with humanity as a whole that may occasionally approach loathing.

They will have a handful of very close friends, and often be very lonely.

They will be unhappiest when forced to act like a human and do the things that humans do, want the things that humans want, or when they are convinced that they actually are one.

They will be zealous, fanatical, and didactic about their beliefs. They will feel utterly confused.

They will have ecstatic visions and babble incoherently. They will be extremely articulate. They are prone to long periods of silence. They have no idea how to say what they really mean.

They will spend a lot of time with children and animals

They will become drunkards and dope fiends, organic gardeners, Essene soapmakers, carpenters, madmen, magicians, jugglers and clowns, lunatic physicists, painters and scribblers, travelers and wanderers.

They will dress in bright colors, frumpy sweaters, or all black.

They will smoke too much and drink too much. They will eat only macrobiotic foods. They will develop addictions to Mountain Dew.

They will often be accused of living in their own fantasy world.

They will make great lovers. Yeah, even the trolls.

They will spend too much time either making love or thinking about it.

They will speak to inanimate objects. (such as trees and plants...)

They will have much brighter eyes than everyone else.

They will expect their magic to work in this world and their love to heal, and they will be crushed by this world, and often they won't expect it.


It will come close to killing them.

They will visit the places where the connections still exist: the waterfalls, the mountains, the ocean, the forests. They will draw on all the power they have, and sometimes, sometimes, the magic will work. And everything will be wondrously easy.

There are also other parts of the article that talks about them (the fae and the otherkin) tat i feel i relate to in some way,shape, or form...
Its says that they miss us, they want to help us.... they send souls over TO help us... to help us hopeless humans to reconnect to ourself and to help us reconnect and save the earth.

My main goal in life is to help others. I want to inspire people. i want to inspire people to love themselves and to love others.

i wish i was an otherkin... but i know i'm not. i do believe the article. i do believe that Otherkin are real.... I wish i could be one. i'm not. and it makes me very sad...

Because if you look at the parts that i put in bold AND undelined...those are the parts that scream "MEE"... but all it goes to show is that i'm a human looking to escape.... not an othekin.

complaining....

One thing i absolutely hate is complaining. and that is ALL Cara does. She doesn't like what we got her to eat. She doesn't like what we got her to drink. Her foot hurts. She's hot. She's thirsty.

and if she isn't complaining then she demanding or giving attitude I just want to SMACK HER!!!!

what does she want?

Cara has been cross with me every time she sees me, unless she wants me to feel sorry for her, then she just acts all pathetic..

what? is she still mad about the beach?? i'm we are baby sitting, the little kids are our first priority!!! so, i grabbed a kid from her, instead of grabbing her... by taking a kid, i helped her, what more did she want??? i had to make sure the kids were alright.... as soon as i did i went to her, but by that time, she was too angry and scared and wouldn't talk to me!

what could i have done!? jeeze...

New "all paths converge" lyrics

*1:08 tempo change = instrumental solo

*1:25 start gain normal

*red means extra words if needed

 into: 0:00 - 0:20

people of the old,

people of the new

follow the path that calls out to you,

be it at the cross, (the cross) the earth or the moon, 

follow your feet to where you need to... 

walking together, (together)

holding of hands,

doesn't mater where your lands may fall, (may fall)

we are all equal, in our paths,

all proud beings standing tall. (standing tall)

So be it! Amen! Blessed be!

all to-ge-ther namaste! (namaste )be at peace!

no need to fight, no need to fight! 

No need to fight, no need to fight

So be it! Amen! Blessed be!

all together namaste!

be at peace

-instrumental-

(1:25)

you can pray to one god.

you can follow old ways.

you can cherish the land.

you can end your prayer "Amen"

you can call God your "father"

you can call the earth, your "goddess", 

you can do none at all,

its alright! (it alright)

So be it! Amen! Blessed be!

all to-ge-ther  namaste! be at peace!

no need to fight, no need to fight!

no need to fight, no need to fight

So be it! Amen! Blessed be

all together namaste! be at peace

no need to fight, no need to fight

no need to fight, no need to fight

It doesn't matter what you are (it doesn;t matter)

It doesn't matter what you say(doesn't mater)

We are stronger arm in arm

walking together every day! 

no need to fight, no need to fight (no need to fight)

no need to fight, no need to fight!

no.need.to.fight. 

we are brothers.

no.need.to.fight. 

we have each other.

no need to fight

no need to fight

walking together

no need to fight

So be it! Amen! Blessed be!

all to-ge-ther namaste! be at peace! (namaste!)

 no need to fight, no need to fight!

no need to fight, no need to fight

  So be it! Amen! Blessed be! (Blessed Be)

 all together namaste! be at peace!

all together namaste! be at peace

no need to fight

no need to fight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R2hga-xlmA

scare

hey, i wanted to let you know that there was a little scare at the beach today. Cara and 2 of the kids got caught in a ripcurrent. they didn't go far, but they were having trouble getting out of it and were starting to drift. I was half way to them, and i had a little girl with me, so as soon as she was where she could swim to shore i turned around and went to Cara and them. i took one of the kids and we made it back to shore, but she got really freaked out.

i think she is mad at me because i wasn't with her (i was gone for like...3 minutes!!) and i think she freaked out because she had two little kids with her and she got scared which scared them, which scared her more. Once i got there and took one of the kids, things calmed down a bit and we were able t get out of it... but it was the first time anything had happened like that and it really scared her.

buuut yeah.... that was our little scare at the beach :/

this is why i have a blog

OK...so... i need to get things off my chest. that is why i have this blog. here:


I got my pyscial doe today. but my mom hasn't signed any of it.
i fill it out, but have a question, so i ask her. she is on the phone, she looks at me and doesn't answer. FINE THEN. i bring it to her about an hour later... "YOU'RE WAITIN TILL NOW TO MESS WITH THAT? THEN YOU CAN WAIT TILL I'M OFF THE PHONE" is her responce... excuse me?
i need to know if i am going to tennis tomorrow. in order to go to tennis tomorrow, i need to have my physical filled out AND i need to work it out with my aunt. well, my aunt is in bed now, my physical is only half filled out, and i have to wait till gods know when for my mom to get off the phone.

I TRIED TO GET THIS DONE EARLIER.... BUT YOU JUST FLAT OUT IGNORED ME. I WANT TO GO TO BED. I WANT TO KNOW IF I'M GOING TO TENNIS TOMORROW. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT MARY IS GOING TO DO.

 no tennis tomorrow.

but don't EVEN get me started about my aunt. stabbed me in the back.

why do people do that?

today i left my glasses at the tennis courts and called my aunt to see if she would be willing to give me a ride back there so i could get them. she said she would, but when did i need the ride? i said whenever was best for her. all she said in return was what time, so i said now. on the way there she  complains about how it would have been better if i had waited till she was off work! I ASKED WHEN WAS BEST FOR HER!!!!

WHY do people DO that!!!? its sooo infuriating!!!

trapped

have you ever felt trapped
in your own skin?
like you couldn't escape?
couldn't breathe in?
panic and restlessness sinks in,
but i have never let it win.

like a lizard needing to shed,
i feel like i'm being squeezed,
i'm filledwith dread...
i can't move! i'm crowded!
but i know its all in my head..

i want to scream, i want to cry,
my skin is too tight! why!!!?
get me out of here, please!!
i'm suffocating!! don't let me die!

no room to move, can you tell?
my body is too small, ts like a cell,
but look at my face, can you tell i'm in hell?

terror and anger, desperation,
thats how i feel in this situation.
my body is my suffocation,
can you tell?

Woolard poem

you may not know this,

but i very much look up to you.

i fear that you see when i miss,

and everytime i don't follow through.

raised with no father, 

i look for someone to look to...

whether you realize this or not

that is why i look up to you.

Every praise you giv me,

when on the courts,

i admire you as my oach,

i try to impress you, but always fal short.

but when i hugged you,

you said "love you bunches"

i filled with joy inside,

i could have done a hundred crunches.

I admire you as a coach,

and u'm scared to say the other.

Though you are a teacher,

i kinda look up to you like a father...

figuring out i'm a lesbian

This feeling that

i have inside myself

in the back of my mind

on the highest shelf

it goes against

what  my mind's been trained

but fighting this is driving me insane!

i fight it now,

this thought,

its name.

and i know it will win,

but who do i blame?

i want to embrace it,

and yet-when i face it

i feel my mind split in two.

 one side to me,

the other to you.

help me out!!

i'm so confused!!

my mind, it feels

so abused, over used,

someone help me through!

i feel one thing,

and it feels alright,

but if i delve deeper,

i feel the fright.

the other thought 

it feels so natural, light

but because if society

i must fight.

one thought it comes

lightning fast.

it comes from training

from my past.

but the other thought,

it takes more time,

but it feels stronger,

and then i rhyme.

but to come out,

to fully embrace it,

would cause problems,

but i can't erase it!

i hope, and pray,

it will be my friend...

sorry boys,

i'm a lesbian.

bring on the night

I get a burst of hope,

i see it slip away.

please bring on the night...

i cannot stand the day.

things keep happening,

but not the way i want.

My life is like a novel,

but i do not like the font.

Make it all stop now

just let me take a break.

because it seems now,

my heart is finally at stake.

happiness is not so happy,

and things keep going awry

just let me be by myself,

so no one sees me cry.

this life seems so happy,

I've got good things, my life is grand!

but i can't stay happy

i think i might just understand.

Good things and happiness are fleeting,

reality is: notheing ever stays.

so please bring on the night,

i cannot stand the day.

each day is a battle

Breathe in, breathe out,

no time to run, no time to shout.

a new day has just begun!

a new fight must be won!

take a stand and look alive,

we'll show pride in our stride.

Face forward and don't look back;

its time to face the next attack!

Are you alone or do you have allies?

you are never alone, look to the skies!

Victory is yours, yes you can taste it,

another day has come, just don't waste it!

my life is a script

My life is a movie,

i live by a script.

This isn't real, 

so cut the bullsh*t.

I want to live,

so give me life.

if not?then end it.

with something fast.

Just let it be quick,

nothing to painful.

But i want out!

So i can live.

Who writes my script?

who makes it this way?

I feel fine untl the end of the day,

where i realize i don't care

if this reality is taken away.

my life is just a movie.

i live by a script.

none of this is real,

so cut the bullsh*t.

confusion

there are times i play the fool

to make other laugh, to make them look cool,

to get help from someone stronger than me.

because being simple is so easy.

But there are times when it isn't a joke,

when its like my head is filled with smoke

and i don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going.

I get so confused and i know its showing...

This is when i need someone to take my hand and lead me,

because that is when i get so uneasy...

i feel vulnerable and los, i see through a thick haze

but i'm rational enough to know i'm ina daze.

the feeling of pure confusion and helplessness,

is something i must confess,

is terrifying and i don't know what to do,

times like this is when i need you.

from the mother above

life is full of twists and turns,
full of deeps wells and horrible burns.
things can get pretty ugly,
but just don't leave me.

i am always with you
to guide you and protect you.
i am here inside,
i can always be by your side.

you cannot live without me,
although you do not know 
i am always here
just try to live without the fear.

all your cries and pain i hear,
but know i hold you close my dear
through all the pain and rain and storm
feel my kindness soft and warm,

i'll always be with you
but know life is just crazy,
with its twists and pain
i'll make it so you'll last the rain
i'll always be there,
my child, don't despair.

be proud!!!

i am a powerful independent person

and if i choose to be with you; good for you.

if i am not good enough for you then it sucks to be you

because it's your loss.

I don't need you in order to be whole,

although i do enjoy your company.

i am me and,

with or without you,

that is who i'll always be.

when dreams die

when dreams die

the heavens cry,

why, og why?

when dreams die

the sun will sigh, 

oh goodbye...

when dreams die 

and yoiu don't know why

can you say good bye?

some say that dream'n

isn't cool

and that you're a fool

and just wasting your time

and thats how dreams die.

but you know

that dreams grow

so now go...

keep the dream alive.

grow like a tree

in your dream

and you'll see

it will grow tall even if it starts small

we all start at a crawl.

but learn to fly 

and dreams won't die

they'll stay alive.

but fear will lie

and say if you fly

you'll fall and die.

thats how dreams die.

So you'll never know

until you go,

so let it grow.

start at the bottom 

and work your way up

then jump from the top.

If it's tall 

you'll fear the fall

but remember to fly...

thats how dreams stay alive.