a gift

speaking of the gods....

i think Staci is a gift from Astarte.

how many times have i told astarte how lonely i was?
how many times have i told her how fearful i am about sex?
how many times have i worried that my inexperience would make my partner frustrated?
along with so many things, i have worried (both things u have voiced to her and those i have kept in my mind) she has answered in staci.

she is kind
patient
fun to be around
empathetic
understanding
soothing
motherly
warm and soft...


and she is perfect for my transition into a sexual being.

she is patient and doesn't mind stopping at the drop of a hat. she has told me numerous times that I set the pace and what she wants is for ME to be comfortable.
she is truly a great person.

i feel comfortable around her.
safe and warm.
and nothing is awkward.

she has seen all of me and made me feel beautiful.

she truly is, i believe, a gift from the gods. Astarte/Aphrodite/Venus especially.

and it is to her, and any others who had a hand in this, i say thank you!

original money spell

***** i don' follow a specific time frame, but if you do: Generally, positive magic, or workings that draw things to you, is performed during the waxing moon.

1.first and formost: clense the area (white sage works well)

2.Then if possible burn incense.  those that attract money are:

bayberry

bergamot

cedar

cinnamon

honeysuckle

jasmine

mint

oakmoss

Orange

patchouli

pine

poppy seeds

vetivert

3. Cast a sacred circle.

4. place the white candle and green candle on top of the paper money, make sure they are touching. (if you want you can tie a string around them, keeping them together - i recommend)

5. light the candles and say:

"those around me and above,

who look upon me with kindness and love,

i call for your help.

as the green and white become one,

so too shall my intention and outcome,

as is my will.

I ask to be financially stable,

for your help if you are able,

to reach my goal.

Let harm come to none,

My will be done,

So mote it be."

6. let the candles burn and the wax fuse. watch this, and visualize the money coming to you.

7. put the paper money on your alter or under your pillow.

sources:

http://www.white2000.com/incense/

and another possible spell:

http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/moneyjobs/qt/KidsMoneySpell.htm

lets just rub salt in the wound.

so found out some news.

starting May first our rent at home goes up $100.
that was all the grocery money we had.
guess who has to pick that up now.
yeah.

and.

mom needs 2 teeth pulled. no maybe's about it. they HAVE to go.
that will be payed monthly as well.

we don't know how much.

so.
i'm going to officially change my availability at work to include Mondays.
and tell my boss i can work longer shifts on friday and saturdays.

i need money.

i'm thinking about breaking mom's rule and doing a ritual/spell for help.
i can't just ask the gods for help.
i have to try to help myself first.

but gods do we need help.

Stac mixed tape

This was the mix tape I was going to make her, might as well put it up lol

- brighter than the sun "how i feel when i'm with you"

-touch me (rocky horror) - how I feel when we're alone
- everytime we touch "sensuality "
- kissing in cars (PTV) "when it's too hard to say goodbye"

- I've got this friend (Sam and Krystal hooking us up)

- she keeps me warm "because you do"

-who knows (Avril)  "when we first met"

- never gonna be alone "if i have any say...."
- trouble - NSN  "me blowing up your phone"
- you had me at hello "self explanatory"
- beautiful soul "because you are"

- what are you waiting for " my first time"
- happily ever after "when i'm with you it feels like a..."
-serial killer  "because you understand my demented mind"
- change in my condition "happiness "
-  Honey im good "when you get jealous"
- dance me to the end of love "when we dance"
- Iris (sleeping with sirens) "because you get me"

Bills pt 3

I'm also having car trouble. "Matinance needed" light pops on when I start the car. It takes 2 or 3 tries to get it to start.

Who knows how much that will cost. 

Fuck me.

**** as of 7am i now get to add a lost movie fee to my list. i put "Dracula Untold" in my car after watching it with staci and when i went to take it out this morning, it wasn't where i put it.

so i am going to search the car after school and pray all day.

fuck me. 

bills pt 2

health insurance bill went through.
can't pay the state tax online, it won't let me.
so tomorrow i have to go in person.

so...lets do some math?

515-145  (round up with tax?) = 370.

now....
370 - 105 (state tax) = 265


...

that is how much i will have to my name when all this shit clears.

.....
.....
....

i get paid next Wednesday April 1.

probably about 250.

thats 515.

now.... subtrack  next month's bills 310...(165+145) ..... = 205.

add in my second paycheck

205 + 250 = 455.

455- 310 =  145. - the next months bills
145 + 250 = 395 - paycheck #1

and it keeps going down...
...
if i keep going i'm going to freak.
so lets clean this up yes? make it more simple.


i get payed about 250 each paycheck. every other week, so about twice a month.

thats 500. minus the bills (310).
thats 190

minus gas per month = 40-50

thats 140.
minus me buying food at school every day. (22 days a month i'm at school. food is AT LEAST $7)
thats 140 - 154.

thats a  -$14.

so lets say i drive less.  make that 50 go to a 40.
aaaand i don't eat as much.  154 to.... 106. (thats eating a $8 meal at school twice a week and a $3 the other school days)

500 - 310 = 190
190 - 40 = 150
150 -106= 44..

so. if i only drive to and from school and work.
don't buy any groceries to help out around the house.
only eat at school twice a week (tues and thurs) and only eat ONCE at school.
eat a mcdonald's mc'chicken and a sweet tea (about $3) the other days (MWF).
and don't see my girlfriend at all.
then i can just barely do this.

thoth help me.
grpwing up is hard.

bills

i have bills to pay.

i have a $164 a month car insurance  bill
and a $138 health insurance bill.

and my bank account is the lowest its ever been since i opened the account.

i am trying to pay my bills, AND IT WON'T FINISH LOADING.

its stuck and if i re-load the page, it could DOUBLE CHARGE ME.

hell no.

car insurance has been paid - thanks mom for doing that for me, lord knows i would forget.
health insurance - currently TRYING to pay
state insurance for buying my new car - not paid yet.



top it off? 2 exams tomorrow.

A month

Staci and I have been together a month! ( as of the 20th)

Sexual harassment

So there is a particular customer that likes to make sexual comments at me. Usually when I'm alone in the parking lot. 

But today it was in the store. The last 2 times he came in he was well behaved because the time before that he was reaching for a basket I was holding only it looked like he was reaching for my ass.

Today he apologized for the third time and assured me that he would never touch me that way. Then when I started to walk away, HE GRABBED MY WRIST and pulled my back. Kept ahold of my wrist until he commented how nice it would feel to grab my ass, (not his exact words) even if he would never actually do it.

It took every ounce of will power to walk away without going off on him.

By touching me he crossed s line. What he said is mild compared to some things he has said before.

I didn't know what I was more angry at. Him for doing it or me for allowing it. I should have said something. I'm ashamed that I didn't say anything.

And now I'm determined: the next time I see him I will give him a warning. If he ever says another inappropriate thing to me I will have him banned from the store.

If he ever touches me again? Sexual or non (grabbing my wrist for example) I will press charges of the sexual harassment.

I am fed up with him.

Spring break is gonna suck

So cara (my little sister) got in a fight at school and is now going to be home for 7 days. Staci is going to be out of town. 

So... My spring will consist of: bitchy sister and no girlfriend. Fun.

I am so dreading this break. I am going to be stuck with her for 7 days. And I only work twice.

Shoot me.

I really won't have anywhere to go because who goes places alone?

I can hang out with Krystal (prolly going to live there all week just to get away from cara) but I can't do my own thing there. 

I can't do my pen thing at home either because ms bitch will be there.

Fuck.

New York trip better be fucking fantastic because otherwise this spring break will just be hell.

Staci 💜🌸

So staci. 

I like her.

Really like her.

I'm comfortable around her. Like... It's rediculous how comfortable I am with her. 

It's like... The comfort I had with Maude but the the attraction I had with Katie. Seriously. 

I am so attracted to her its rediculous. If I was a guy it would be an issue gaga I would have a boner all the time. 

But she is such a wonderful person <3 

And I am enjoying slowly getting to know her more and more.

She is such a unique and wonderful person :3

I am so happy to be with her, just to be beside her. I can be me around her (even if I have to exercise self control all the time)

But idk. She makes me happy. Really happy. And giddy. And nervous. And just.. Yeah <3

He missed me

Today was jakes birthday, and he got pissed drink. He ended up calling me (er... I FaceTimed him because he wanted to call me) and we talked for a few minutes. Then he wanted to talk to staci. 

He didn't want me to hear but let's be honest. Drunk people are loud. I didn't hear everything but He said some of the nicest and sweetest things I have ever heard gone out of his mouth.

And same for what he actually said to me.he really missed me. An he stl consideres me his best friend.

As much as I needed to hear what he said, it kind of... Idk.

I thought I wouldn't be able to live without him... And it took over a year for me to actually be okay without him. 

But I am. I lived. 

I want to be friends with him but this will never be the same. I won't ever have the dependency I used to. It's a good thing. I am a hell of a lot stronger now than I was then. 

But guys... You didn't see him. Hear him. He sounded so sincere... He actually missed me.

And to be honest? He should have. I am an axing friend and person. But it was nice to hear.