Princess

 Princess

Okay so hear me out... I matched with this girl on tinder. Lets call her... Princess. Well Princess didn't start out flirting with me like most tinder matches do; instead of calling me cute or telling me i'm pretty every other sentence (which I hate) she actually had conversations with me. So I invited her to my BURLESQUE DEBUT (WHICH WENT AMAZING - THE CROWD LOVED ME) and she couldn't make it. However she was smooth... "I don't think I can make it tonight, but if you're free tomorrow we can grab coffee and you can tell me all about it?"

So I did. 

And we talked for 3 hours like it was nothing... the only reason I ended that coffee date was I had to feed my cats and I had made plans to go swimming with Ellis and Cy. So I invited her to that as well because neither of us wanted to end the date yet. 

We ended up talking for another 3 hours. It was awesome. 

Overall she is definitely someone I could see myself hanging out with more; maybe super casually dating, but idk if I could see myself with her long term. There were things I really liked about her, some things that were cute, and some things I was like "eh.."  - But def would help me finally move on from Viking Boy once and for all - and become JUST friends with him without the benefits. Potentially. I'm not ready to pull the plug on that yet, I only just met Princess. 

Also, i call her princess because she works part time as a disney princess for kids parties - she's also obsessed with disney and wants to work there after she graduates. Which is awesome - she wants to do event planning or like convention planning there; she's getting her BS in hospitality management. 

I feel like she would also be a good person for me to experiment with to try and get more comfortable with interacting with women.. physically, as she is also very inexperienced and has similar trauma to me. So I don't have to worry about needing to go slow, because so would she (IF it were to progress. Again, I have only just met her.) She also thinks she is on the ace spec (She thinks she falls closer to demi) so we were able to relate to eachother in our lack of interest growing up and have similar views on things. 

She knows nothing about kink or bdsm, so I think I will introduce her to a few concepts simply because they helped me a LOT when I was first experimenting with sex. (mostly the use of safe words and knowing that it's okay to stop, slow down, etc. I personally found being submissive to be stress relieving but that isn't something I think I would start out with seeing as we are both newbies in this field. I think I'll mostly bring in safe words and active communication generally used before scenes.) 

Shes more of a comedy, fantasy, and adventure kind of girl when it comes to media; so that means teen drama shows or comedies like brooklyn 99. She LOVES fantasy though so that means we can watch siren, witcher, and some other shows too. No dark crime shows or scary movies (sad) unless they are monster flicks - but thats what I have my clowns for :3 

Shes got potential to be a really cool casual partner, but again - I only just met her. 

It was just a really good date. 

bdsm theory

 Ya wanna know a theory I have? 

I feel like most burnt-out overwhelmed/underwhelmed former gifted kids who grow up to develop a praise kink/dom-sub dynamic... do it because being told "good job/girl/boy" "well done" and completing schooled tasks and receiving a reward... gives the same feeling and dose of serotonin that getting a good grade on a test use to give us. 

I just want that A. only now, instead of getting an A on a test for studying and working hard... I earn a beer or a night out at the bar. 

"You've more than earned it" 

That just made me illogically happy and feel good about myself. 

Sorrow and Rage

 Lex's mother has been murdered. 

It wasn't out of the blue.

It wasn't random. 

It could have been prevented. 

Her Landlord has a son who recently was released for rape. 

He took an interest in Lexi's mom and began to harass her. 

Then he started threatening her and her daughter that was still living with her because she wouldn't give him attention or meet up with him. - she had proof of that. 

She went to her landlord for help and they told her to just do what he wanted. - she had proof of that. 

She went to the police for help and they turned her away saying there was nothing she could do. 

She went to the magistrate to try to get a restraining order. 

She did everything she was suppose to. 

He killed her last night with her daughter locked in the bathroom calling 911. 

As a friend I am full of sorrow at the loss my friend is going through. I am helpless in that there is nothing I can do but love her through this. 

As a daughter I am horrified for the children she leaves behind. 

As a sister my heart shattered when I learned the daughter who was there didn't find out until today that her mom died from the shot. 

As a woman I am enraged that in our justice system this was able to happen. 

she did everything she was suppose to. 

She was killed because no one would do anything. 

Domestic Violence and Harassment victims are turned away... and then when they are murdered suddenly "if only she had done this..." She did. 

Fucking useless. The justice system is fucking useless. 

No one is going to help you when the time comes. 

I need to get a gun. A bat. Something. 

I need to be ready. 

I hope her murderer, who tried to blow his brains out when the police FINALLY arrived, lies and makes it through. I hope he is in severe pain the rest of his miserable life. I hope he rots in a cell and is beaten daily. 

I hope the landlords are arrested and charged as well. 

I hope the police who turned her away lose their jobs. 

I wish them all the suffering that they have caused. 

I am full of rage and sorrow. 

Depressed and On a Schedule

 So... because I have hit a depressive episode that I can no longer be in denial about (hopefully won't last long) due to the stress and uncertainty of work, finances, being lonely, and the debilitating uncertainty of my future... I need to make a schedule to be functioning and pull myself out of it. Almost like a lifestyle prescription. And yes - this is for a bdsm dynamic; a friend has offered to take on a dom caretaker role until I come out of my depression to make sure I follow the schedule. 

(Ironically I have a rigid schedule I keep when feeding the cats but can't seem to do it for myself)

Daily Schedule/Requirements

- Meals:

     - 2 meals a day (one main and one side - popcorn is not a meal!)

     - at least one vegetable - will require proof (picture)

     - and one fruit (water with lime as a substitute) - will require proof (picture).

     - Have at least 2 glasses of water - will require proof (picture). 

- Take medication - will require proof (picture)

- Read for 30 minutes a day 

- Light deity candle 

- Shower/Wash my face on days I don't shower. 

- Exercise once a day 30 minutes (Dance, walk, swim, yoga) probably after work and before I hang out or before bed.  - Walk on the weekends (with amy? Dalton and the pup? borrow Val?)

- Sing at least 2 songs a day (can be in the car, shower, etc)

- Errands (will need to be asked what is needed each day and run to the store after work before coming home. Groceries, Walmart, goodwill, etc.)

Weekly Schedule/Requirements

- Chores:

      - Cat litter (tuesdays) 

      - Trash (Mondays minimum)

      - Dishes (mondays minimum - even if not a full load; Thursdays if monday is missed)

      - Sweep (Thursdays before D&D)

     **All chores must be done within an hour of being home from work. 

- Create Menu for the upcoming week (Fridays with Brigid - provide proof)

- Meal Prep if needed (make rice, boil eggs, wash fruit, etc) - Demter

- Work on a writing prompt or journal once a week. (With Lilith)

- Do a reading once a week minimum - with the host, for tiktok, for friends, etc. (With Maeve)

- Do a weekly sigil (sunday night/monday)

- Light candle for each deity once a week each day(will need to make a schedule). 

- Bathe 2-3 times a week. (let's say... saturdays and wednesdays minimum)

- Self care day - Once a week I must have a day devoted to self care (facemask, bubble bath, groom,  fully moisturize. Can do it on Aine's candle day.)

** As long as weekly requirements are met on/by Friday I can still receive a reward. 

Rewards:

- TV (the goal is to replace some of my TV time with creative activities, so if i want TV I must meet daily requirements)

- Drinks! (earn a beer when hanging out if I meet daily requirements or a night out at the bar if I meet all requirements for the week)

- Cuddles/Video Games with Dalton (Fridays after drinks at the bar)

So Far: 

Sunday - Demeter

- Meal Prep/Grocery store

- Make sigil to manifest for the week

Monday - Lilith

- Trash

- Dishes

- Journal 

Tuesday

- Cat Litter

Wednesday - Maeve

- Card readings

- Bathe (bath or shower)

Thursday

- Dishes

- Brigid's Candle after 7 pm .. or... 

Friday - Brigid 

- ... Brigid's candle before 7pm

- Menu Planning

- Drinks!!! Weekly Reward!

Saturday - Aine

- self care - groom, moisturize, face mask

- bath/shower with salts or bubbles

Crystal Mirror Prompt

 Reflective journal/shadow work

Who or what is triggering you? What is it in you that they are triggering?

- Cara - even though I have all but removed her negative influence from my life she is still a trigger for me. I feel shame at how I treated her when I was younger and unstable, and anger that she used that shame to hurt me even after we had talked about it and put it in the past. The fact that she wishes failure on me and was excited to see me fail still hurts me, her manipulation and venomous countenance still bites at me even though i'm no longer open to hear it. 

I also mourn the relationship that I thought I would have with her; there was a period of about a year where we actually seemed to be doing better. I got my hopes up about - not being *close* but at least having a relationship with her. I am sad that it never got to be. I'm also proud of myself for finally closing myself off from her toxicity.

 As much as she hates my grandmother she is a lot like her. From how my grandmother treated Cara and my mom, Cara demonstrates a lot of it. Verbal and emotional abuse/manipulation, chronic victim syndrome, narcissistic characteristics (although caras is followed by deep pits of low self esteem which leans more toward histrionic personality disorder than full narcissism), neglect (my grandmother neglected my mom, Cara neglects her pets). They both say hurtful things for the sake of hurting the other person and feeling powerful/better about themselves. Both brag about being able to cut off family members. (I'm still laughing at how Cara thought cutting me out of her life would be a punishment.) I may have inherited my grandmother's mental illness; but Cara inherited some of her toxicity too. 

- Jimmie - Seeing Jimmie at the drag show and him now knowing I work at them has triggered some of my ptsd symptoms. I have become hypervigilant. I am depressed. I found something that brought me genuine joy and now it feels as though it's been tainted. I feel angry that my safe space has been invaded. I feel rage that he continued to make a point to show he wanted to talk to me; giving me the kicked puppy look that actually makes me want to kick him in the face. I caught him aiming his phone at me when he thought I wasn't looking; it was in the opposite direction of the performer. Anytime I would go outside it seemed he and his group would too. When I came back inside to avoid him... low and behold they would too. His very presence there makes me want to scream. 

- Viking Boy - I am not in love with him anymore; the cord cutting worked. I am still sleeping with him on occasion but I do not crave intimacy with him the way I used to. While the cuddling we do seems to be more sincere than before, the intimacy from sex feels hollow. It makes me lonely. Being around him in a friendly capacity is fine, but when things become more than platonically intimate it feels nice in the moment but leaves me feeling empty. I miss being in love, and the love I use to feel for him nt being there while our actions seem to mimic it makes me sad. I long to have a partner. FwB works better for us than dating ever did; and I am fine with that. But it just reminds me why fwb situations never last for me. I miss that connection. I go through phases where I'm fine with how things are and then again I'll feel lonely; then I'm fine again. This is just a lonely phase.  

With seeing Jimmie more often, I seem to see him driving around town all the time now, and dealing with my rollercoaster of emotions with Viking Boy, I keep revisiting the best and worst part of my relationship with both men. It leaves me with a strong desire to find something that keeps the best parts but is better even during its low points. I have strong desires for certain things in my next relationship and yet I feel utterly hopeless at finding it. I can't picture myself with another ma - in fact most men make me want to just run the other direction;  I can't picture myself with a woman; I can't picture myself with anyone... and I know some of this is the depression talking but as important as romance is to me.. it's just an empty hole right now. It hurts and there is no way to fill it. 

- Work - I am miserable at my job. If I have learned anything from working at PIP its that while I enjoy financial stability; I hate having a 9-5. I like having a regular schedule but I miss having varied timed shifts. I would rather work 3 12 hour shifts, or 4 10 hour shifts and have more days off. Or I'd rather work earlier in the morning/later at night and have more time off during the day. I miss interacting with a wide spectrum of people and developing relationships with them. I miss the freedom of working in the service industry. If I could get assurance that I would make enough money to get by and be comfortable I would return to bartending in a heartbeat. I am very very tempted to apply for a bartending/serving job at a burger joint rather than take the comfy bank job. The bank job would give me more stability and my weekends off but the bartending job would give me more time during the day and the freedom to be more relaxed and true to myself in my appearance. In either case I will be doing burlesque. 

But the 9-5 jobs make me feel stuck, suffocated, bored, and miserable. I want to actually WORK when I'm at work... not sit and do nothing for 3-6 hours a day. I would rather be overworked than understimulated. I don't need something complicated to do, but I need SOMETHING to do. At least someplace that lets me read or write or research in my free time without threat of being fired. 

I feel like there is no happy medium, I have an ultimatum... choose a job that will provide greater happiness or choose a job that will provide financial stability. There are no in betweens .. not in Greenville, anyway. 

- Location - I want to leave Greenville. This mostly stems from the desire to  not be one of those people that never leave their hometown and the fact that I feel stuck here. I feel like the people here are limited; I have limited opportunities for finding a relationship that actually suits me, I feel like I'm stuck in bad habits and changing locations could help me break them. It's like I'm stuck in an endless loop while I'm here and I want to break the cycle. I also love the water and ocean and the idea of living on the coast. I want to find a more accepting and varied community. I want more queer folk. I want more pagans. I want more kindness. I am so tired of all the ignorance here - although I know it's an issue that runs deep in America, not just this city. I long for a more progressive environment.. It's stagnant here. And now all of my money I had saved up to move to Wilmington is gone. 

I know things happen for a reason. Either I am not meant to move to Wilmington or it was the wrong time for it. But without a plan to leave I have no plans for the future. My present moment seems hopeless, chaotic, and lost... the future is what I was clinging to. Although I suppose it was naive and romantic of me to think that just changing locations would help me overcome my undisciplined lifestyle issues with my health and spirituality, I also hoped maybe finding others like me would help me get better. Greenville is so limited. I don't know how much longer I will stay here so I don't know what plans to make. I'm just lost. and it's triggering hopelessness within me. 

What part of you longs to be witnessed? 

This is a loaded question and I do not yet know how to answer that. It will require greater reflection. 

Explained

 Finances

Okay so I lost a money order that had my rent. I requested to have it refunded but was told the wrong form. I found out what the right form is and it's a longer process to both fill out the form and wait to see if I have done enough. I am not hopeful. 

I also challenged the charge through my bank, who gave me the money temporarily while they looked into whether they could cancel the order. They cannot and they will be taking the money back. I had put the money in my savings so that will deplete it by $500. 

And then SOMEHOW and I have absolutely no idea how, my $50 credit card payment was changed to $1100 and some. Wiping out my checking account completely. So I had to take a grand out of my savings to be able to withstand all of my automatic payments of the month. 

In two weeks my 2K in savings, that I had worked hard to save up for my move to wilmington is gone. I want to cry. I want to throw up at how much I have lost. But we survive. 

I have enough on my EBT to feed me for the next several months. 

I will be putting all expenses that are not automatic payments on my credit card; including next month's rent since I can pay it through paypal - that should help make up for the missing money order rent check. 

I will get through this and rebuild my savings one step at a time. 

I want to cry. It seems whenever I finally start to get my life in order and things are relatively stable and good... I get hit in the wallet and crippled financially. First its my car. then its my car. then its a lost rent check. then its a gross over payment on debt. 

I can't seem to win. 

postponed.

 I don't know what i'm going to do.

I won't be getting the refund for my lost money order. The bank won't refund the transaction. There was some mixup in my payments for my credit card that essentially paid my credit card out in full... leaving me nothing in my checking account. so i've had to transfer money from savings to my checking. 

and now i'm loosing the temporary 500$ that the bank had given me while they debated refunding the transaction. so I now no longer have any money to move to wilmington. 

I went from having 2 grand in my savings to 500. in the span of two weeks. 

i'm. i'm just. lost. 

what the fuck. 

2 important updates - update 2

 update number 2

The second update is that I have established boundaries from Cara. 

I do not wish to see what she does so I unfollowed her on all social media. 

As she cannot seem to go 5 minutes without trash talking me to mutual friends, I have also blocked her from seeing my social media and from seeing any of my coming accomplishments - no need to see me do well when she is so convinced I am going to fail. I don't want or need her negative commentary and judgment. 

If you cannot have a conversation with someone for more than 5 minutes without them saying something incredibly judgmental, small and narrow minded, rude, invalidating, manipulative, or intentionally hurtful... you don't need that person.  I can only think of two times that I have been around her for more than 3-5 minutes that she didn't act like a bitch in the past 2 years. Lately despite the fact that I have been HELPING her she has made it her mission to do nothing but see me fail and cause me misery. She does nothing but speak venom to me and I'm tired of letting in her poison. 

After the last "fight" (She insinuated I am a threat to myself and those around me because I have bipolar and of a blog post I wrote YEARS ago while unstable... pretty sure I already wrote a post about it... all I did was stand up for myself) she decided she was going to punish me and "make me regret" fighting with her by cutting me out of her life... talk about narcissism. 

She wants to punish me for ACTUALLY standing my ground, which I chose not to do in front of her guest, and instead texted it to her so as not to cause a scene and embarrass her the way she embarrassed me. All I did was actually stand up for myself to her personal attack on my character, invalidation of my hard work, and all around cuntiness. So she ran her mouth and started telling people she has no problem cutting family off and she was going to cut me off to make me "regret fighting" with her. 

oh no... the emotional abuser and entitled chronic victim who can't seem to have a single conversation without purposefully hurting me is going to stop talking to me.... sometimes, the trash takes itself out. 

I do not feel she has any right to my life, especially seeing as she talks as much shit about me every chance she can to our mutual friends, so I have no problem blocking her on my social media. She still has my phone number in case of a life or death emergency. 

I hope I am wrong, but with the way she is living she is spiralling down for a crash landing on rock bottom and I am not offended that she has revoked my front row seat. I don't want to see her struggle; I don't want to know; she is no longer my problem. I hope I am wrong and that she gets her shit together. 

She came yesterday to get her asshole of a cat and started trying to talk shit about her roommate being pagan. So I made the comment that as long as she didn't insult the girl's religion then it shouldn't be a problem and she got so offended, asking if I was assuming she would be the one to make it a problem. Coming from first hand experience living with her, I matter of factly said "yes". So she got her shit and her cat, called me an asshole, and left. 

and as far as I am concerned she has left my life and I am free of her toxicity. 

2 important updates - update 1

 Two Updates to report. 

The First:

Friday I was given notice at work; I've made too many mistakes and I've been too off task. One more mishap and I will be let go. 

I have a lot of feelings about this. 

1) Panic. Pure Panic. I have never been fired before. I don't know how this will affect my future. I'm moving in 3-5 months; what kind of job will hire me for that?

2) Irritation; on one hand if they actually gave me enough tasks to be "be on" then I wouldn't ever be off task. I'm sorry I can't sit and do nothing but stare out of a window for hours on end. If they think me going back to staring out of a window for hours is going to reduce my mistakes they are mistaken - it will in fact do the opposite. (Without enough to do, I hyperfocus. When I hyperfocus but get interrupted [ by the phone - it's always the phone] my brain goes blank and THAT is where I make mistakes. But If I am constantly busy, then I multitask and don't hyperfocus. 

NOT TO MENTION that they moan about needing someone in bindery, experienced or willing to learn, yet every time I ask to be taught or if I can help in bindery I get told "no, we need you up front". OBVIOUSLY I don't seem to be doing that great upfront!

3) Rage; yes I have been making mistakes lately. But I know one of the major contributing factors is that there was a REALLY big order that we had to do for free because of miscommunication and bad time management... the miscommunication was NOT on my end as after I took the initial order and initial graphics new information and graphics were sent to another person, and I was no lumber connected to or had anything to do with the order other than being notified that everything was then being sent to this other person. But guess who everyone found a way to blame it on. 

4) Indignation; I should have fucking left them when I had the chance. But they were/are suffering and floundering ever since Matthew, and let's face it - Madison, left. I didn't want to screw them up anymore than what was already happening, especially because if I left another coworker said she was going to leave. She probably still will leave when I'm fired and she has to do what I do as well, since I have to help her through taking orders and understanding how to write certain things up. 

5) Annoyance;.... Really? I will move in 3 months. You can't wait 3 months? You say I'm too important to take away from the front but can't wait just 3 months to fire me?

...

So I have applied to a call center; I won't feel bad about leaving that in 3-5 months. 

I've applied to a bank teller job here in greenville; it will at least pay me better than what I make here (which I desperately need) and I should be able to transfer to another branch after I move. 

I also applied for a bank teller manager position in Wilmington; I really hope I get that one because ideally I would train at and then work a regular teller job in a greenville branch and then have the higher job when I move. 

I've also got Mary Beth's mom going through her network to see about finding me a cheaper place to live in Wilmington/Leland which would be a godssend. 

Because even just having my rent as low as 750 instead of 850 means I could get approval for an apartment while making only 27000; although I would aim to make more. That's $520 a week to get approval for a place to live. Anything lower than that in rent and I would be golden. 

But yeah, that's update 1. 

DID OR OSDD: DOES IT MATTER? by Carolyn Spring | 5 August 2020

I just read an article about OSDD and DID, the differences, and similarities... and I can only say that it was one of the most reassuring things I have read. 

 here is the link if you want to read it. If you are an important person in my life, then I would appreciate it if you would take the time to read it. 

https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/did-or-osdd-does-it-matter/?unapproved=1631176&moderation-hash=7a8651e9eeca0184139b271ed446e9f6#comment-1631176

I have been made by others to feel invalid. I have struggled with placing my alters because there is less distinction between them than some of the others I have seen in people. 

I've recently learned that I have more selves/alters than I thought, as before anytime I felt someone who wasn't 100% me, I just grouped in with Fiona. I know now that is not the case thanks to the help of some other friends who have OSDD as well. 

i am a spectrum. A scale. 

One one end I have a self that Fiona calls "the flower child". She herself has not taken a name. 

Both my friends and several other people I have met online have named their systems so I feel its fair to do so as well. 

The Court System

Seelie Court/Unseelie Court

100/0 - Flower Child

90/10 - Flower Child

80/20 - Flower Child

70/30 - "Seelie Lisa"

60/40 - ***This is my natural state most days  ------

50/50 - *** this is a natural state most days.          II- Lisa

40/60 - ***this is a natural state most days.     ------

30/70 - "Unseelie Lisa"

20/80 - Fiona **Fiona's usual state. 

10/90 - Fiona

0/100 - Fiona and I have VERY fuzzy to no memory. 

Fiona is very distinctly different from me. Flower Child... she is less strikingly different but she is different enough that I can tell when I'm her, my thinking changes, and I sometimes don't recognize my own name. Fiona and I have cohabitation for so long that she can pretend to be me so well almost no one can spot her. 

There is also a "little" inside me who doesn't ever come out and who doesn't speak. My friends brought her out once and she was scared. No distinct age, but younger. She had very bad handwriting and didn't like being in the spotlight. 

90% of the time I am me. Generally the farthest I get is Seelie/Unseelie Lisa; Fiona goes in and out of "sleep" as she is mostly preoccupied with threats, danger, and survival. She was asleep for most of my relationship with Dalton, as she entrusted my safety to him. She is awake now. 

mixed feelings

 Mixed feelings

It is not uncommon for me to question my attachments when I make new friends as to the nature of my affections; is this a squish (when you REALLY like someone in a platonic way) or a crush (when you REALLY like someone in a romantic way)? Generally all I am aware of is that I feel really affectionate for the person in question. 

It becomes even more of a question as to how I feel when the new friend is queer. 

It is so odd that when I make queer friends that i just absolutely love, I want to kiss them or feel comfortable with the idea of it. It's not sexual in nature at all. It's not like I want to jump into bed with them, although i'm not sure how I would react if that was poised. #thankyoutrauma 

But I've recently grown really close with 3 queer friends, like really close. Especially with 2 of them. One I really enjoy just cuddling with and holding hands, platonic love is there. If they wanted kisses? For sure would provide, but it is definitely a platonic love/attraction. 

The other has an energy about them that has caused me some confusion... I experience sensual attraction to them that makes me question if it is a crush or just a squish. 

I get along with the third and I feel more of a platonic affection for them, although depending which alter is fronting that can change to a sensual attraction as well. 

Confusion. 

Platonic is blatant friendship. 

When sensual attraction gets mixed in... it's still a friendship for sure, but then I do not know if I am developing a crush or not. I am in confusion. 

I don't think I am developing romantic feelings but I definitely have a lot of love for them. I am comfortable with the idea of cuddling, kissing, etc. but I still feel platonic affection at the moment. It could also be a power dynamic thing too... this person is a dominant and its been a while since I had someone I could be bratty with even platonically and just for fun. 

lots of mixed feelings. 

Haunted - PTSD Poem

 Haunted

I remember blackening vision... freezing cold, my skin exposed.  

my body still as the fear took hold,

my lungs aching as they begged for air

and I could not inhale to provide it. 

the ice radiating from the cold appliance that she ran up and down my legs

before prying them apart;

Tried as I might, my frozen body watched helplessly as they fell to the side and 

I lied there open; my mouth sewn shut, invisible thread and chains holding me hostage.

I begged to leave this place, unable to watch it happen, a broken mind complied and all goes dark.

Now as I lay beneath a warm body, in raptures, 

the heat of their touch welling up inside me as it grows to fruition, 

I feel a prick of pain and my world is once again cold and dark, 

I am back in chains and ice. 

I will my haunted mind to exorcise the memory, 

let me lie with this love. I am safe. 

But no longer is it their gentle hands that are inside me, 

she has clawed her way from the shadows and possessed me once more. 

The cat holding my tongue with sharp claws sunken deep into the flesh

hissing that if I open my mouth to cry out

"something is wrong" "I need to stop" "this hurts" "i don't want to do this anymore!"

I will have ruined everything and it will all be my fault. 

My mind screams silently, salt water burns my eyes like acid as I bite down.

I try to hide my wimpers of pain into the pillow and will my body to comply. 

I love this person, I can't ruin this. The heat of pain and pleasure is too much, but

it is only as my body violently shakes, racked with sobs, that I force the word out of my mouth.

"venus!"

I lie there trapped between worlds, 

the warm embrace of a lover pulling me back to the land of the living 

while my mind is stuck in the past. My eyes see everything and nothing. 

I've ruined it. They will leave now, and once again I will be alone in the dark

chained in ice with her ghost. 

Unsure of whether it is safer to die in the darkness, 

my body shakes and my soul struggles to break free. 

At last I see light and warmth returns to my limbs, 

I move trembling fingers, encircling them in the ropes of my lover's hair,

burrowing, I breathe them in; their presence giving me life. 

"You're okay. I'm right here. You are safe." 

The warm and gentle words caress my ears, wrapping my mind in a weighted blanket. 

my eyes pleadingly search their face, still needing proof that not all is lost.

"I'm not mad."

Those words banish the remnants of her from my mind and body.

limp and quiet, I remember the promise from my goddess

no longer need I fear the hands of a lover,

Still I wonder, how long will I be haunted?

*********

i am so incredibly frustrated. This poem came to my while I was doign some bindery work and was unable to write it down as the words presented themselves. This is but a hollow attempt at recreating what I could remember. I wish I could have spoken and recorded the poem in its original diction but my boss was meeting with customers in the same room. 

so so so frusrating.