Admitted it.

- Something is different about my body. Something just FEELS DIFFERENT. I feel fuller. 

- STARVING and then within an hour of eating nauseous/indigestion. Like its not enough to yak, but its close. 

- heartburn???? I never get heartburn. 

- random bouts of fatigue and super mild vertigo + mental fog. it's like out of nowhere I feel drunk/drugged. 

- gassy...

- Boobs aren't sore, but feel full. I don't think they've gotten bigger though, that I could notice.

- Dreams. I dream of children and keep seeing signs of pregnancy all around me. 

- WEIRD period. as in... I only bled for a day. minor spotting (i would barely even call it that) on the day before I was supposed to start. Then nothing on the day it was supposed to start. Day 2 I bled heavy. Day 3 and 4 - nothing whatsoever; no blood and no spotting. Day 5... minor spotting? 

- E-M-O-T-I-O-N-A-L

- Cramping

I know that I'm not. 

I am not Pregnant. 

But the test I took easily could have been a false negative because I took it in the middle of the day after drinking a boatload of water to make myself pee. So I am waiting a week after my period was supposed to have started and I will do it properly - first thing in the morning. 

I know it will be negative. And I know i'm probably going to cry. Tears of disappointment. Tears of confusion at all the mixed emotions I have and will feel acutely in the moment.  confusion at all the signs life has been giving me lately. Tears of relief. Relief at not having to tell Dalton I'm pregnant. Relief that i don't have the financial burden of pregnancy at a time when I REALLY can't afford it. Relief that the responsibility of parenthood hasn't shown up just yet. 

I will feel such bittersweet relief... because as much as it means my life won't be complicated just yet and I'm not going to lose my hopefully future husband... it means I'm not pregnant and I'm realizing that secretly I hope that I am. 

But again; all these things I am experiencing have other implications. It's just subconscious-becoming-conscious confirmation bias. I know this. It sucks but i also know that this is not the right time. 

but what do i do, now that i have admitted this to myself?