something other than a list lol

 Heres a post of something OTHER than another damn list dealing with the move lol

ive honestly had a lot to process with the move and its been really overwhelming. Too overwhelming to actually sit and think about to put into writing. The lists are a coping mechanism for me to logic my emotions into a box for me to put away for later. 

Maybe now is "later"

I am so scared. 

I am so scared to leave this safe, secure, FINANCIALLY SECURE AND COMFORTABLE nest that I have made; I am so scared to leave the small city i have spent most of my life in; I am so scared to leave the found family that took so damn long to find...

to start over. knowing next to no one. I've been chatting with a few people online but when i get there, its going to be really isolating. I'll have my mom... but if something bad happens again, I don't want to worry her. My only true comfort is know that I will be too broke to relapse if something bad does happen haha...

but for real. I'm going to be lonely. I am going to be broke. I am going to be scared and nervous and not sure of what to do... and the weird part is, I almost look forward to it. 

When i look back on some of the most spiritually intune, most creative, most self reliant times of my life... I was dirt poor and more or less alone. I didn't have the distraction of constant socializing... mind you I did have the distraction of trying to make sure I didn't starve, but I was more spiritually aware than I realized. 

I want that again. 

I want to go back to greeting the spirits in my home when I get home from work. 

I want to go back to saying good night to them. 

I want to go back to talking out loud to them even though I can't hear them in return... because that builds a relationship with them. and the closer my relationship with them.. the more i can FEEl them. 

I miss feeling them around me. Its hard to be truly lonely when you feel nature spirits or your ancestors around you. 

Hard to be lonely when your gods are sending you reminders that they are there and care. 

Sure... its going to be VERY hard not having my closest friends with me. But I'll make aquaintances. People to invite over for a game night or movie night. I'll find walking buddies or someone with a dog calm and patient enough to help snow relax. 

But whats important... is i'm going to find myself. 

I know i am. 

Yeah its gonna suck at first. When the tower comes down it always sucks, and sometimes rebuilding takes more time and energy than you realize. But once you get some actual growth... it gets easier. 

Momentary pain is worth abundant happiness. 

I will miss the ocean though. 

I will miss my drag family. 

I will miss my aunt. 

I will miss lexi. 

I will miss my friends. 

But what I stand to find?

I will refind my confidence as a person. 

I will refind my confidence and talent as a writer. 

I *might* rebuild as a dancer if I can. 

I will find pleasure in the outdoors. 

I will find more spiritual enlightenment.

I will hopefully find more spiritual community. 

I will find success. 

I will find myself. 

and while all i feel is the devastating loss of everything and everyone I have ever known... I know that as it fades it will be replaced by excitment and determination. 

PLUS I WILL BE CLOSE TO MY MOM AGAIN <3