Well that was nice while it lasted.
His toxic trait, which he swore he never engaged, came out to play about my biggest insecurity: my weight. AFTER I told him it was an insecurity of mine.
He wanted to see pictures of the goth makeup I use to do so I sent him photos; but this was from YEARS ago, from before my thyroid said fuck you. So I was noticably skinner. He kept comparing me to back then, saying I looked like a totally different person. Then proceeded to start unsolicited gym advice on losing weight to try to get back to thar size.
So I sent this:
"Weight has always been an issue for me. Back when I was that skinny I *wanted* to gain weight but couldn’t because I had an insane metabolism. I hated how skinny I was. Then because of BC my thyroid basically gave me the middle finger and I gain a lot of weight very quickly. Suddenly I hated how “fat” I was - in retrospect I really wasn’t that bad. But I got asked almost daily if I was pregnant because of how quickly I gained the weight. that obliterated my self image.
Once I got that regulated I was able to drop the weight a bit but stayed in the 130-140 range, with it fluctuation by about 10 pounds off and on. Then I got hurt and stopped being active, gained more weight again. (160’s)
Then after a while I started burlesque dancing as a way to help myself love my body instead of hating and punishing it. Through that I was able to realize that I was beautiful, even if I did jiggle a little. Most people in fact loved it. When I wasn’t performing I was working as stage crew for shows and was constantly moving; and that’s how I spent most weekends for about 2 years.
The number didn’t change; I still stayed in the 160’s but I gained more muscle and slimmed down. During slower months I got a little softer; busier months it slimmed again.
Then I moved here and I’m still consistently in the lower 160’s but I’m soft from basically hibernating all winter. once I start moving consistently again, the number will again probably stay the same but I’ll slim down.
I wouldn’t mind slimming down, but I know my body does that naturally. it fluctuates like crazy but it’s all contingent on how active I am. I have forced myself not to look at the number and focus instead on how my body carries it.
I don’t ever want to be as small as I was. I look back at those photos and 8/10 times I cringe at how thin I was. every now and then, when I’m feeling bad about my current body I’ll feel wistful but overall I do not ever want to be that tiny.
I totally understand if that’s a turn off for you though."
His response:
"Full disclosure I think you were more attractive in your older photos since were on the subject, which I’m sure isn’t easy to hear. I don’t expect you to change your entire lifestyle for me or anything, nor do I expect you to change anything really. These are just the standards I set myself by. I definitely find fitness and healthy, consistent habits very attractive. Having that drive to make yourself be better for yourself is beyond attractive. It’s not all about looks, but we’re on the subject now so here’s my honest thoughts on it."
My response:
"There's a few ways I could respond to this, I'm trying to decide which way to go - regardless, tthat could have been worded with more tact and was uneccesarily mean.
1) I said this was an insecurity of mine.
2) you already said you prefer petite women. I'm not stupid. I can infer that you prefer me when I looked like a skeleton.
So please tell me why you felt the need to open and close with that? What was the purpose other than to intentionally hurt my feelings (which you aknowledge "I'm sure isn't easy to hear")? Because that whole response you gave? Your toxic trait is showing.
And if you want to talk about healthy consistent habits that promote growth and bettering yourself? Those skinny pictures of me were from when I was at my most unhealthy. I was drinking, suicidal, addicted to drugs, and in an abusive relationship with no backbone and no self esteem. The other two photos I had the exact same body I have now. And compared to all of those photos in terms of habits? I am considerably more healthy now than any of those times.
There are ways of making onself better for the sake of growth that do not revolve around fitness. I'm not trying to sell myself to youbut I also won't down play how mcu I activley work on myself constantly. I work towards my career goals, my spiritual goals, my mental health, and although my physical health comes last, I am still working on that as well."
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I will say I was a coward and as soon as I saw he had read it and was typing a response I deleted him. I honestly didn't want to see what justifation he had - I more so wanted to point out how he was disrespectful and point out how narrow his views were.
For the record: my weight is not unhealthy. I am just below the national average. I am beautiful. I am so beautiful in fact that people pay me money to see me and my body. So he can go kick rocks.
I put up with rude comments like that (and worse) for about 5 years between Jimmie and Dalton/Viking man. I was not about to tolerate it from some new guy. He had balls of brass.
I will miss the sex though. He was also a top notch cuddler.
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