shame

well.... i have been busy lately (not that anyone cares), and i somehow ended up with a boyfriend. yup. a lesbian with a boyfriend. how did this happen? well, lets just say that i've been very insecure and lonley and down... and he was determined to make me give him a chance. He i sweet, romantic,....and nothing against him, but he is such a GIRL.  i'm female, yet i'm the boy in the relationship... which wouldn't be so bad if he was a girl.... and idk. To make things worse, i'm startuing to "lez out".

and when i say "lez out" i mean, my gay side is coming out, no matter how much i don't want it too. As with every boy  i have dated, things will go fine and then BOOM! i'll get hit with revulsion, not really at them, but at myself. thoughts like "how can i be doing this?" "what the hell is wrong with me?" and this time, i feel so much guilt and shame.

guilt that i'm going to hurt him. i tried to tell him i m gay, but he was so determined. why did i give in and give him a chance? no we both will get hurt. And he says he is "falling for me".... its only been a week. But i told him i'd give him a chance.... so i did. And i knoew what would happen, and its happening now. life is a bitch sometimes.

Shame. why do i feel shame? because of the guilt? because i'm dating a guy when i KNOW i'm gay. idk. but i feel ashamed to say i have a boyfriend. i don't like how it sounds. and that everyone can see i have a boyfriend and they think i'm just a liar...that my being gay was just a show, when i know its not. Me dating this guy... if anything is more of a show of me trying to feel normal..and i just feel....so much fucking shame... :/