Friday, April 14, 2017

Colors Corrected

The longer I reflect on my previous post called "colors" the more i realize, I made a slight error.
I'm not purple most of the time.

My depressive thoughts are blue.
My manic thoughts are red.

when they are together it makes purple... having finally experienced manic and depressive at the same time.... purple is utter chaos. I am not purple.

I am blue.

Faerie is Red.

When our thoughts/thought processes match = purple.

Now, when I start talking percentages.....

when there is more me, Its a variety of shades of blue. (100->60) This is still me, but as it comes closer to purple, I'm feeling her voice... i'm starting to become influenced by her thought processes.   <100 to 60> 

50/50 is purple. This is an utterly chaotic, aggressive, playful. and happy self. Control is.... hard to define. this is when we are of one mind.













then there is when she becomes more dominant. i'm 40, she's 60...
40-> 10 (so far she has never had 100 percent control, I.E, why it isn't another personality. )<60 -  10> 


at all times I'm present. In most cases (aside from the instance during New year) i always have 100-30% control.  I'd say on average, i'm 100-80% because she really isn't that active.


** I don't so much as hear her "voice" but rather feel it. I'm not always aware that i am feeling her/changing colors until i find myself thinking something exceptionally cold or cruel. Or if i'm being objectively analytical. Or if I find myself unable to feel the same emotions that I usually do/feel something i don't usually do.

just some examples of how we interact. 

  • when i'm feeling/having suicidal thoughts - its her thought process that talks me down. 
  • when i'm having a panic attack - its her thought process that tells me to suck it up, I've got shit to do.
  • when i feel like i'm falling apart - its her that refuses to ask for help. 
sometimes she seems to push me to the edge, but sometimes she pulls me back from it. 



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