Comments for WNB 13, 14, 15

Print this on monday:

• I can sleep when i'm dead: This was absolutely adorable. I love your narrator's voice; it was light and playful but also to the point - exactly how I imagine a child would be. I felt that this had enough detail, but i would suggest adding a bit more into the setting because that is so highly emphasized by the professor. Maybe describe the weather (if you can remember it). I also recommend breaking this into paragraphs instead of just having it as one giant block of text; it would make it easier to read and show just how much you've written. I'm curious as to how your mom reacted when she got to you? Was she mad or proud, did she yell or laugh? Did you get to keep the quarters?

• Friends Until the End:This is a horrible situation and I'm glad you were able to break away. This was really well written, however I don't think we ever get a full scene. (it was more telling rather than showing).I think maybe the lunch table would be the easiest option to expand on; it would really benefit the story. That would also give you a way to emphasize how she manipulated you through cutting you out of conversations through the seating arrangement. Who was the person that "saved" you? Are you still in contact? Where did you live prior to that area? There is a spot where you give examples of what Shelby would say about you; make these separate and show everyone that those are her words, not yours. 

• Curtain Rises.... Literal: was mine. 

• 4 years....: How did you meet this girl? I want some form of history with this girlfriend; for example: how others reacted (Many people reacted badly when they found out I date women) was your family supportive? Are you two still in contact? Do you have a support system to help overcome this trauma (friends/family)? How did she react when you broke up with her? This would be a good place to give us a scene. You say you are working to find yourself... so tell us about you. What are you going to school for? What are your hobbies? focusing on your passions can help overcome heartache.

• sebastian sousa: This feels really dramatic and i love it. BUT I wish i understood why it was so dramatic. As a civilian I don't understand the gravity of the situation and what the code word means - maybe explain that a bit more? You should also work on your speech tags, let us know who is saying what. I like how this starts kind of serious, then gets really playful, and then serious again. The tone was well done... but all i find myself left with, despite the brilliant setting and narrative voice, is that I missed something. I was too distracted by the fact that I didn't understand what the code meant. Your details were amazing and you did a wonderful job!

• Emily Wood:  I love how you did this. You start with yourself and then mold to shelby, then what makes you different... and similar. This is a tragic, beautiful short. I'm trying to think of any possible way that could make it better and all I can think of is... tell us more about your time with shelby. More of your similarities and differences in personality... how you felt about her being with an abusive boyfriend, before being in the situation yourself. Writing about passed loved ones is hard (ive had to do it in another class) so i understad if you chose a different method. Maybe tell us more about your abusive relationship? how did that end? This was brilliant. 

• The curtain will rise again: First and foremost - what happened? how did you get hurt? how did everyone react when they realized that you were ACTUALLY HURT? what was the injury - how did it prevent you from being active? With all of those aside, I like how you opened the short with a scene, but there is almost no setting at all. were you in the gym? outside? Maybe describe the Doctor office? how did you FEEL when you found out you couldn't be active? I love the lesson your learned and how you ended it. 

• Sweet Tea: I love how you open with a scene! You describe the setting so well I feel as if I can actually see it. 1) You talk and describe Christa a lot. What is your connection - Who is she to you? You tend to focus on her almost the whole time and i'm curious as to why. 2) what is your relationship to him? What is his name - is there a reason you don't give us his name? Did he inspire you to want to be a teacher, or did you already have that goal and he acted as a guide? I'm really curious about the two of you together. This was brilliantly done!

• Emily Davis: I like how you give us a glimpse into your day to day ritual. The opening seemed a bit jumbled, but that could have just been me. I love your description thought! I feel as though i could clearly picture the couch.  I do have a few questions though; what does your dad do that requires all that gear? where did you live before coming to NC? Did the acceptance letter change your behavior? Are you an active student now? Why physical therapy? Note: be careful of using "you" and "yours truly".... you are talking directly to the audience and that is "breaking fourth wall" as we said in theater. I love your narrators voice! It is really relate-able. 

• Growing up: This was really nice and i like the almost poetic opening! Very beautiful. I am a bit curious about past summers; tell us about the different day trips you would take! I like how you casually tell us where you ARE and although we don't learn where your home is, we do know it is a great distance away. What is summer like at home now in comparison? Is there any sadness, like losing Jenna? My only real critique is to watch your tense changes.  well done!

• Its an odd thing....: I get what you are trying to say. I was the same way in high school in that school came naturally to me and I didn't have to study (although i cared a lot). college was an eye opener. So, I found this relatable. However, you tend to talk to your readers directly, I would be careful of that. What I want to know more about is the 2 lines you have at the beginning and the end. What do you mean with "when you grow up..." and you mention having an addictive personality.  This made me REALLY curious and I wanted to know more about that experience, how you realized that and what it means to you. Your last line was obviously the moral/curtain rising, but it feels almost rushed. Elaborate on that! I think its so interesting!

• Emily M: I really love this piece! There is very little I can think of that would improve it. I am a bit curious about your dog; you spend three entire lines on him and then he just disappears. Just for the sake of closure, I would mention him one more time.... maybe asking Hasan to watch him or something?  Where do you work - just curious?  I'm also intrigued by Hasan and your mother being so close? My main idea for this is that you have a PERFECT spot for a flashback - which can act as a "distant past" scene! I circled it. Because your mom seems to be a focal point for you - I want to know more about her and your relationship with her. Also, maybe give us a bit more details on the setting of the old neighborhood? <3 

• I honestly found this really confusing. It was beautifully written so i feel sad that i didn't properly understand it. WHERE is this place you keep trying to get to? You write poetically and the imagery is vivid, but maybe give us more distinct setting? Is this a metaphor for depression? I liek the metaphore of the medals making a prison... that was beautiful. Also be aware that you start in first person, switch to second person, and end in first. This was lovely, I just wish I understood it.  *** after becoming aware that this was meant to be a poem, it made a bit more sense.... but i definitely did not pick up on your underlying meaning once you explained it.