triggered

So i was authentically triggered today. We were talking about rape in class, my 9 am, and when the professor shared the story of her daughter's rape it hit me hard. She said that her daughter didn't fight back, because she knew she wasn't in danger of her life and that she wanted it to be over as fast as possible so that she could get as far from her rapist as possible.

"Just get it over as fast as possible and run away"

thats what i thought that night with Corie. I pretty much froze in fear that night until fae took over and got me out of there.

i was hit with flashbacks of the fear, distinctly remembering the situation. the fear i felt then was back. the shame that i gave into the fear was back. It was almost like i was back in that moment.

i held it together for the duration of the class but afterward i fell apart. anxiety attacks. Only i didn't have a safe place to hide and cry and be told that i was safe and okay.

instead i went to the flannigan computer lab and prayed it would be empty. it was. I curled up into as tight a ball as i could and i cried. I tried to cry out the fear and shame and anger but it didn't work. I ended up calling a friend to pick me up and take me away from campus.

I was scared to be alone. I couldn't meet anyone in the eyes. I stayed afraid. weak.

so fucking weak.

I calmed down after Jimmie came and got me because with him i knew i was safe, he could protect me. logically i knew i wasn't in danger but thats not how it felt.

he calmed me down. held me for a minute. distracted me with youtube videos and lunch.

went to see mom and finally told her about that night.

felt better after talking to her.

still feel weak. I'm exhausted.

Its never affected me this way before...

but it was her daughter's words that did it.

they triggered me.
I just pray it never happens again.