Mania

 In case you’ve ever wondered what bipolar mania feels like…

For some it’s joy. Unbridled happiness. Endless energy. A sunny day even when it’s actually raining. Productiveness. Great ideas and creativity. 

That’s the positive side. 

Then there’s the negative side. 

It’s like liquid electricity is in your blood. Like if you don’t find a way to appease that chaotic energy it will make your heart stop. How it makes everything go from 10 to 100. The intense craving for stimulation. Drugs. Sex. Alcohol. Adrenaline. Attention and being in the spot light. Seeking stimulating activities no matter how much it costs.

And the very real feeling like if you don’t appease that electricity, will either kill you or drive you mad. The joy that comes with the relief when you find an outlet and the irritation, rage, and desperation when you can’t. 

Back home I had friends that could help me when the mania hit. Usually it was mild and I was fine, but the rare times it would hit like *this* I had people to help keep me in line. 

I don’t have that here.

I am * this * close to drugging myself with Benadryl and going the fuck to sleep.