Panic attack

 okay so I had my first panic attack in almost a year. (sure anxiety attacks are almost a daily/every other day thing) but this was a full panic attack. 

Like I had to fight the urge to hurt myself level panic attack (like scratch, bite, hit my head.... that kind of hurt myself. let's be clear - I AM NOT SUICIDAL - my anxiety just manifests physically sometimes. My forms of self harm are not all that dangerous - I simply deny myself food, drink, sleep, etc. and its only in small episodes that I can't control. I do not injure myself. I am not a threat to myself or others )

Instead I called the telehealth people and she asked me a bunch of onboarding questions to help me calm down. It was still going on after the hour long conversation so then I asked my boss for benedryl to drug myself into calming down. She gave me some of her anxiety pills and they are starting to kick in finally.

I'm not at a functioning anxiety attack level. Enough to start working even though my work day is supposed to end in like 3 hours... so now i'm going to have to work late. 

But what brought this on? Lets make my brain think logically so I can shove the anxiety into a box and make it go away. 

• I havn't fully acknowledged and coped with the stress of the move
• I miss my community and support system from back in NC. I'm so very lonely
• Trying to cope with the loneliness by going out and meeting people in psuedo date-hanging out-casual dates is actually making shit WORSE so I really need to fucking stop... but then i realize how fucking alone i am and i start the cycle over again
• My sister had her baby and I can't be there anytime soon. 
• My niece is named after my toxic younger sister (shared middle names. could just be they liked the sound of it. could be she considers herself closer to her. idk. ) 
• Financial strain. I took a hefty pay cut when I moved and the cost of living here is a lot higher. I need to seriously consider finding a roommate and moving. 
• I'm overwhelmed at work. I am actually starting to wonder if the maintenance workload really does require two people. 
• I have basically been borderline off my fucking meds for about 2 months because i've been running out and didn't know when I would be able to get more. (thank the gods I got a prescription for enough refills to last the year from my new primary care doctor.)
• because of ^ I feel fucking crazy. My thoughts are so jumbled all I want to do is stay home and not have to think about responsibilities. I fucking understand why having bipolar can be considered a disability. It is so goddamn hard to focus. 

Let me repeat myself from earlier: I am not in any danger. I am not a threat to myself or others. I have not had a panic attack of this magnitude in over a year. I am under an incredible amount of stress all in a short amount of time coupled with the lack of proper medication. that is all. I am seeking help in whatever way I can. 

I can't afford the online therapy; I am going to get counseling via telehealth every 2 weeks until I can actually see a psychiatrist. I will then probably see them twice a month; that is the max I can afford.