Frustrated...

I don’t even really know how to explain how I’m feeling.
Frustration is the only word that comes close.

I know that Jimmie and I are not a couple anymore.
There is still a level of intimacy between us that isn’t quite platonic.
We have been getting along so well the past several weeks.

It really makes me think that if I had just waited to break up with him, and given the together but separate route a chance... we’d be doing this well but together. But then I remember that he also wasn’t in a place where he could emotionally handle a relationship... and in the situation we have there is obviously less pressure.

I like how we are right now. the lightness in our interactions.
But it feels fragile to me.

I have this deep love for him.
An acceptance and understanding at the situation.
And I feel sure about our standing in each others lives...

Until someone we knew asks me how we are doing and I have to say we broke up...
Until I hear him call me his ex-girlfriend...
Until I have to call him my ex-boyfriend...

I want to get back together with him. I know it may be years from now.. but I still have that hope.
We both have things other than romance to focus on and I’m okay with that.  But I still see him in my future and hope that this new “normal” that we have will last until we get back together.

...

I feel at ease with the fact that it may be after we both graduate school before we are a couple again....  but why do I feel so.... frustrated? Angry? Hurt? When the word “my ex-“ get used.. or when someone who knew us as a couple thinks it’s suddenly okay to try to make a move on me?

I like this casual relationship I have with him; let’s me be with him without any heaviness and I love the playfulness that has returned between us, and I don’t get frustrated until something comes along and threatens it.

It makes me worry at how fragile our casual thing is.
I’m still in love with him.

He is not the focus of my life anymore, but I am still in love with him.
And fuck anyone who I tell that to and still tries to make a move.

I think the frustration comes from my not being able to claim him.
And since he doesn’t claim me, others think they have a chance.

It’s.. frustrating.

I am my own... but my heart is still his. I take comfort in that he doesn’t seem to genuinely be looking for anyone else... and I enjoy this fun light hearted thing we have now.  I want it to be strong enough to last after I move out.

I’m fine with the together but not together until someone tries to get in the middle of it.
It makes me feel... disrespected.