So last night I was supposed to work 4-11... i switched shifts with someone so that i only worked 4-9:30. why? because i had a manic episode so intense i didn't think i would make it to 11 (or even 9:30 for that matter) without exploding.
I couldn't stand still. I paced every second i wasn't ringing someone up.
Nothing was moving fast enough.... i couldn't scan fast enough, the computer was too slow, NOTHING was fast enough.
I had to hold my arms behind my back and dig my nails into the soft part of my arms to prevent myself from destroying anything.
I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from yelling/snapping at people and to stop myself from just quitting my job.
I was so angry. So energetic... i had so much energy i was shaking. I couldn't focus on anything unless i was hurting myself to focus my thoughts. I felt like i needed to break my skin to let the energy out ----- i didn't.
I somehow remained in control but just barely.
even the new guy who knows nothing about me could tell i wasn't okay.
It was so hard to keep her (manic me/faerie) under control.
I really didn't want to. It would have been Euphoric to give in... but i probably would have gone to jail haha.
totally not funny. It was terrifying. I didn't know if i would be able to make it to 9:30... i wasn't scared of myself per say... i was scared of what i would end up doing as her. I was scared of the consequences.
But like most faerie moments.... as intense as it was, it was short lived. It lasted maybe 4-8:30... in which case i was still manic but not nearly as intensely. I was still a little bit manic when i went to bed at midnight.
woke up totally fine. I'm in the purple again. I was fire-hydrant red for about 4 hours. that was scary.... i honestly could have hurt someone. (most likely myself)
i'm okay now, but i figured i should probably blog about it.
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