and the bones spoke. As always, Amy's bone reading is as accurate as ever.
Amy suggested that perhaps I was hesitant because Viking Boy is so different from what I am accustomed to, compared to every other person I have dated...VB is different. So different. He is the kind of person I don't think I would have approached on my own, but not the kind of person I would instantly write off. I think the way we met was perfect because it let me get to know him before I met him - enough for me to know I for sure wanted to know him.
But he is not the kind of person I ever thought I would end up with. I am a straight laced goody-two-shoes. I know I am. I tend to have a stick up my ass when it comes to a lot of things most people are cool about. I absolutely hate weed. hate the smell, hate the taste, hate the grumpy affect it has on me. I'm a rule follower. was the teachers pet. I am high strung and scared all the time.
He gives off the "bad boy" type vibe. Walks with a confident swagger, makes it known that he is not against nor is he afraid of violence. He smokes constantly. He has a history (will not disclose). Has a gangster/hood/???? side to him and you can tell.
Not the kind of guy I thought I would end up with.
BUT
He is also sincere and honest, playful and careful never to hurt me or be too rough. He is witty and charming. He is incredibly smart and good with his hands. He genuinely cares for the people around him. He is highly empathetic and compassionate - he tries his best to give everyone a base level of respect. His outlook on life is amazing; even more positive than mine is. He's nerdy and cheeky. He likes to help others and I can tell it makes him happy to see others happy. He is incredibly patient and sweet.
THAT IS the type of person I have always wanted to see myself with.
There is such a duality to him. He is equal parts surprise and yet oddly familiar.
His violent power is at my disposal - not directed at me, and I honestly believe it never would be.
He adores me - sincerely and without conflict or reluctance. To quote amy: "you could probably set his car on fire and he would still love you". and while I don't think that exact statement is true, I think the sentiment is correct. He adoration is unconditional.
He says he loves me. I have said it back to him, although I fear it may not be completely true. Or maybe I do but i haven't fully felt it. I adore him. I love to be around him.
I think perhaps I am scared? Scared to feel so deeply for someone again. Scared that he feels so strongly about me, sincerely, so quickly. It took him 3 days to know he wanted me as a partner. That scares me. He already wants me to meet his son... the level of assurance he must have in our relationship... scares me. He is so sure and set on me that I feel guilty for how uneven things are.
I adore him. I want him around all the time. I miss him when he isn't here. I kind of pout when i don't hear from him during the day. i know that i have feelings for him. But how can i overcome this fear and actually let myself commit to it? Why am afraid to really fall for him? He deserves someone that is on the same page as him, and I feel like i'm nowhere close.
Can he tell? Of course he can probably tell. How does it not bother him? Maybe it does and he just doesn't show it? I know that he is patient. Is he so patient that he is unbothered, or at least not bothered enough by my slow pace to point it out?
Do I even deserve someone as good as him?
and maybe a part of me is still holding on to the past... I don't know why... other than I literally thought i would spend the rest of my life with him. I know in my head - Dalton is better for me and in all honesty is a better person. Maybe after the cutting chord spell on saturday i will finally be able to fully let go of the past. I have never loved anyone as much as i loved jimmie. Maybe i'm scared i never will again? And thats why i'm struggling... whats the point of trying to fall in love again if it won't be at the same level?
But how can it get to that level if i won't even allow it time to grow? I keep forgetting that my feelings for jimmie grew for 4 years. I owe VB that opportunity. I can't expect a new love thats only been alive for like 2 months to compare to what grew over 4 years.
Maybe i'm worried my own curse will kick in and he won't make it past the 3rd month?
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