Email to my therapist

 I wanted to reach out and say thank you. 

I went on a deep dive today and most of what I read about people like me (who feel lost and wanting to reconnect to their native heritage) and reached out to the internet in general faced a lot of backlash. It pretty much boiled down to "if all you have is hearsay from family stories that's not good enough".  Which is the very thing I'm afraid of. I don't think I'm brave enough to try to find an ally right now, and after talking to my sister I was surprised to find out she feels a lot like I do and outside of my grandmother she also feels she is too white passing to be accepted. I read a few articles of people that felt similarly but found community through college clubs or one lady found support through a church organization. 

I don't know if I will ever get to reconnect to my native heritage but I do believe it is there. I prayed to my ancestors for the first time in a very very long time. I did a reading with my medicine cards and asked them about this hole that just sits inside me, feeling alone and lost without community. Back in NC I had a community with the drag king and burlesque scene - but it took me YEARS to find it and make my way in.  Here and moving forward I'm not sure how to not be so alone; without community I isolate. So I asked them. 

They've pretty much assured me that:

1) I won't have to live a nomadic life full time because I am going to find fulfillment in chaplaincy and

2) Once I settle somewhere as a chaplain, I will once again find a sense of community.  I may not have a culture (even in the queer community I feel a bit like an outsider) but over time, even if it takes years, I will eventually have community again. 

I don't know if I will ever truly get past my sense of (lack of) identity, but as long as I'm not permanently alone I'll have to make do. 

But I wanted to say thank you, because you bringing it up gave me the push I needed to reach out to my ancestors. Something I have a really hard time with doing. It will probably be a while before I do so again, I never know what to ask them or talk to them about. But it was nice.