I don't understand.

I have accepted that my romantic relationship with Jimmie is over.

I know that the future is uncertain and that there is always the possibility that years from now he and i may come together again. I'm hopeful but i'm not going to hold my breath.

and that kills me. to give up.

but ive accepted it.

I know he apologized for what he said and that he told me that I am enough. That i was a good partner. If it was genuine or not, i am unsure, but i hope it was.

He wants to be alone and work on himself...

but thats what i don't understand.

I don't understand what about our relationship prevented him from doing laundry regularly. What prevented him from playing on the computer and working on his hobbies. What prevented him from going to the gym. What prevented him from growing.... If i was smothering him why did he never say anything?

I told him over and over that I didn't mind giving him space, he just never actually asked for it and said when he wanted alone time.

I know its not for me to understand. Its his journey and his growth. I don't want to hinder that and he says staying with me will do that.

But i would be lying if i said i understood it.

I get enjoying alone time. I love to be alone for a bit. It allows one to relax and decompress. But ive always seen relationships for the grounds in which to grow. A relationship is a tool. It heped me grow.. but i guess everyone needs different methods.

it just hurts.

It came when i finally let my guard down. When i finally trusted 100%. I had literally stopped looking at one bedroom apartments a week prior. I finally felt i no longer needed a back up plan.

I'm so glad I decided to wait to closer to his graduation to buy the ring. I would have felt like such a fool if i had started to make the payments any sooner. Saved myself the money and humiliation.

We would have been together for 4 years by the time i asked him. But I was so sure.

I was a fool.

And i honestly don't know how i could love someone the same way i loved him.

I don't understand how to fully let go. I liked him for so long, and then i loved him, then i was in love with him.

I don't understand how to move backwards. The only thing i understand is how to bury the emotions. completely. Then one day they are just... gone.

I don't understand how he can be around me and not hurt the way that i do.
I don't understand why it couldn't work.
I don't understand him and how he feels.

I don't understand what went wrong and when.

I do understand how important it is to know yourself. Love yourself. be able to be by yourself.
I can do all those things. I prefer the company of others but i am fine with my own... Just not when i'm hurting. I should understand the hurt. I've felt a lot of it in the past year and a half.

I do understand not feeling adequate. I do understand the desire not have each other disappear from each others lives.

I don't understand how i am suppose to be around him; how am i supposed to act? how am i suppose to feel? How much am i allowed to reveal how i'm feeling?

I don't understand how to actually heal from this.
I don't understand how to be in the life of someone I wanted to spend my life with and watch him be with other people.


I have never been in this situation before.
I don't understand how to be just friends after what we had.