brief - not okay.

 I'll keep it brief - I have not been okay. 

Since the year mark of tyler's assualt last november my ptsd/cptsd symtoms have been slowly cranking up the heat until it started to bubbled over about 3 weeks ago. 

it got bad. 

suicidal ideation bad. 

I did a micro-dose of mushrooms with new friends and it helped. a lot. I no longer feel like i am hemorrhaging madness inside my brain, however I also get the distinct sensation that it was a bandaid put over a gaping wound. 

I do not know how to process trauma. I go mad until something happens that makes me feel like i have a semblance of control and then thats usually enough for me to be able to stuff it all back into a box and not think about it until the next trigger. 

I am not able to fully stuff it into a box. I have tape on the box to keep it closed but its scotch tape - not packing tape. 

So I have therapy scheduled for next tuesday the 5th. To help me process the trauma. 

I am very nervous because I don't want to open the box that already took so much energy to close at all. If it all comes out at once I will drown. 

I was drowning. I'm treading water right now. I'm not ready to go under again.