ok so (notice how i start almost every post with "ok so") jake is making his VERY hard on me. we were cuddling and ... he was making it so hard for me not to kiss him. he was holding me tight against him and kissing my neck... and just... he felt so good. it was crazy.
but there are sooo many reasons why i can't kiss him.... even if i feel the same way in the deadline time (2 week date) i don't know if i will be able to make my move.
so many things to think about, and when i'm with him i can't think. AT ALL. he is so warm... and he felt so good.
but i don't know...
1. i don't want to start something and then it end just like last time. it will end our fried ship and i can't have that.
2. apparently he is very sexual. if i do end up trying things with him again, then we will have to take things SLOW. if i can prevent myself from getting scared(see post in past... can't remember which one. summary: sexual feelings scare me, when i get scared, i "lez-out") then maybe it can last?
3. i don't know how long it will last. i love jake. i will always love jake. (this is like he 100th time i've said this) but i don't know how long muy feelings will remain this intense. i already love to be around him, to joke with him, play around with him, cuddle with him, hold his hand.... but i don't know if i could handle th whole kssing for a long length of time.
but ther are time i want to kiss him. but if it turns into a make out session everytime i'm with him... no. i need more than that... i want to be able to cuddle without things getting to serious everytime. now, a kiss here and there is no problem.. as long as i get brakes.
gods.. jake, i know you will end up reading this eventually... what the hell am i supposed to do? i love you but i am so confused. i just want to cry. fuck. haha
honestly guys, i'm thinking about just sending him a link to my blog, then give him time to read all 1000 posts, and then l;et him try to figure it out and when the 2 weeks are up we can both just sit down and talk.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. idon't know. shit shit shit shit. i just don't even know. shit. can i just rip my heart out and shut my brain off. then i can just go on like nothing is happening.
oh, speaking of happening. my main concern out of all of this is jake himself. i don't want to end up hurting him again. and i don not want our friendship to end. that of the worst possible outcome. and the last time we broke up, it almost ende dour relationship for good. i do not wan that to happen again.
out of all the peole i have talked to... it is like... 45 to 55... 45% saying to give it a try... 55% telling me not to. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG
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